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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at Oh wanking?

175 replies

Missmackenzie89 · 26/08/2017 15:40

Long time lurker but first time posting. Live with my boyfriend of 10 months, no children yet.

We've discussed wanking in the past, I know it's a normal part of life and I know he does it it's normal, but I have previously said that i would find it weird if i was in the bed when he did it (as in if I wasn't involved in the act lol).

Well this morning was the second morning just this week that I have been woken up by him pleasuring himself. Both times I had no idea how to react, I didn't want to embarrass him, and I genuinely didn't know whether to say anything. I don't really appreciate being woken up at 6.30 on a Saturday morning by the bed shaking and heavy breathing... We have an active sex life and although it's aunt flow week he's had plenty of other action, and we had full intercourse just on Thursday so he's not "deprived". I don't know whether to say anything to him or just pretend i don't know but I'm a bit annoyed to be honest. Especially because I have said in the past that I don't like the idea of him doing it while I'm in bed, the way I look it as it's either private or a joint effort not somewhere in between.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 28/08/2017 20:12

Once a day is pretty normal

To some it is.

coconuttella · 28/08/2017 20:13

To everybody saying "can't he go somewhere else?", do you none of you live in a one bedroom flat?.

Perhaps, but there's always the bathroom... the place of choice for most male masturbation so I'm told.

Ropsleybunny · 28/08/2017 20:42

Once a day is pretty normal

To some it is.

To many it isn't. I'd take a guess that if you average out the entire world and how often they shag, once a day isn't usual.

OTOH, if you're young, fit, horny, and childless then perhaps it is.

skibop · 28/08/2017 21:20

I wish I was even half of those things ropsley but I can see that I'm in the minority with the once a day thing - perhaps what I should have said is that once a day is well within the parameters of normal and therefore he's not an incurable perv if that's what his sex drive is.

If I was OP though, I'd be taking offence at the being woken up (for which I would kill my OH) than the act itself. (And I admit my response was a little knee jerk as I hate this weird competitive prudishness on mumsnet where it's like if you don't think your other half having a wank is JUST SCANDALOUS and you insist you only let him put it in for 30 seconds once a month on the full moon with the lights off then you're a pariah.) I do think the OP's husband is taking the piss if he's been specifically told not to wank in bed when she's there (can't remember if that's part of the post?) as it's up to her to decide how she feels about the location of the act, although I think the demonising of a man with a pretty normal sex drive in the comments is a bit much.

Notknownatthisaddress · 28/08/2017 21:27

@skibop

And whoever said 'if you can't go 36 hours between fucks you need to get out more' - I'm glad I'm not going out with you

PMSL. You're 'glad you're not going out with me?' I gather you're 16 yeah?

I am also glad I am not 'going out with you,' because I would prefer a relationship that is not just based on fucking.

What if your sex partner gets to the point where they can't do it for a few months? I guess you will dump them, or go off with someone else eh?

Even when me and DH were in our 20's we never shagged every day. 3 times a week at the most. But then, we have much more to our relationship than shagging.

Maybe you will have a relationship like this day; you never know your luck.

By the way, the vast majority of couples do NOT fuck every day. You're deluded if you think that.

Curiositykilledthecat113 · 28/08/2017 21:44

@Notknownatthisaddress

I think he meant it as not going somewhere with you as you said he needs to "get out" as in go somewhere more. Ifyswim. In a more literal sense rather than romantic.

It's fine if you and your partner have sex once a week or whatever however just because this person has sex every day doesn't mean their relationship is just fucking.

You are being immature and making assumptions, some people value intimacy and sex more in a relationship and that's okay.

You're trying to be condescending but you're actually coming across as very self conscious of your own sex life and as a result are insulting others because they do it differently.

You have no evidence to support "the vast majority of couples do NOT fuck every day" either as everyone does it their own way.

TeachesOfPeaches · 28/08/2017 21:47

I'm most concerned that you're already washing his wank pants after only 10 months? Does he wash your knickers?

skibop · 28/08/2017 21:50

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taxcreditsquestion · 28/08/2017 21:51

I would expect the majority of people to find Thursday to Saturday a long gap. The idea that people should leave their own beds to wank is ridiculous.

PMSL

skibop · 28/08/2017 21:53

And @Curiositykilledthecat113 - exactly. Thanks for getting what I meant! A lot of very angry people on here jumping down each others' throats, not to mention a lot of prevailing anger towards anyone who ever says anything positive about sex... I find it all very odd!

Curiositykilledthecat113 · 28/08/2017 22:46

I truly don't understand the issue presented on this thread either.

"I know he does it it's normal, but I have previously said that i would find it weird if i was in the bed when he did it (as in if I wasn't involved in the act lol)." I fail to see what's weird simply because he's doing it in bed? Yes he shouldn't wake her up that would annoy me too so clearly that is the real issue but unless he's literally rubbing his semen in her face why is it so weird and disgusting for someone to masturbate in their own bed?

It's a shared bed meaning she has no more claim over it than him so why is he restricted as to what he can do in a bed that is equally his.

"As in if i wasn't involved in the act lol" i mean maybe OP just has a complex over him doing something sexual without involving her...

Sallystyle · 28/08/2017 22:57

To everybody saying "can't he go somewhere else?", do you none of you live in a one bedroom flat?.

Do flats not have a bathroom?

Willow2017 · 28/08/2017 23:01

The issue is that despite her asking him not to, he continues to wake her up while he is doing it and then leaves his crusty boxers for her to wash.

Bit of respct for her right to sleep in her own bed and not be woken up by the bed shaking at 6.30am wouldnt go amiss.

Nobody has an issue with d.i.y.

Sallystyle · 28/08/2017 23:03

It's a shared bed meaning she has no more claim over it than him so why is he restricted as to what he can do in a bed that is equally his.

It might be half of his bed but that never means it is ok to perform any kind of sexual act around a partner who has told you they are not comfortable with that. What kind of arse do you need to be to do that? Half a bed or not. No one has the right to perform a sexual act in front of an unwilling person. If you are fine with it then great, OP has every right not to get woken up by it.

maybe OP just has a complex over him doing something sexual without involving her...

I was waiting for that. Someone always has to come out with that kind of bollocks.

Curiositykilledthecat113 · 28/08/2017 23:24

Here's a thread for example where this situation is relatively the same but reversed: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1726437-to-masturbate-next-to-sleeping-DP-TMI-Alert

And everyone said ofcourse yanbu why would he have a problem with it. Strange that it's different answers here.

BlueberryPuffin · 28/08/2017 23:30

why is it so weird and disgusting for someone to masturbate in their own bed

Solo masturbation is a private thing. That's why it's illegal to do it in public and frowned upon to do it in front of your family and friends. Doing it next to your sleeping, unwilling partner is also frowned upon. Doubley so if they've told you it makes them uncomfortable.

Just because they're your partner and you sometimes willingly have sex, doesn't mean there are no boundaries whatsoever and you can do whatever you like around them.

That's not hard to understand, is it?

What if I had a thing for wanking at the dinner table after I'd finished my dinner but my OH was still eating. Would that be okay? Presuming it's MY kitchen and MY dinner table, of course. Nobody should be able to stop me wanking there whenever I want, should they? What's the big deal?

Sallystyle · 28/08/2017 23:45

And everyone said ofcourse yanbu why would he have a problem with it. Strange that it's different answers here

Are they the same posters who have answered here? Because otherwise your point is moot.

Sallystyle · 28/08/2017 23:47

Plus it is four years old. Very unlikely to be the same people posting on this thread. You need to try harder to find double standards.

Willow2017 · 28/08/2017 23:48

And everyone said ofcourse yanbu why would he have a problem with it. Strange that it's different answers here.

Actually not they didnt, quite a few people questioned it and told op to discuss with her oh to see if he minded or not in case she woke him up again, or he didnt like the idea. They also asked if the people who said yes would feel the same being woken by their male dp's doing it. Just the same as on here really.

MattBerrysHair · 29/08/2017 00:17

Personally I'd be highly miffed at being woken up by the bed shaking. It's bad manners and very inconsiderate and selfish. If I decided do something like playing a loud game on my phone at 6:30 I'd expect my dp to be pissed off with me. Any unnecessary disruption to sleep is unacceptable.

As far as the masturbation goes, I think it's something that should be talked about and boundaries openly agreed upon, as with all sex acts. Personally I'd feel really uncomfortable masturbating next to a partner if they were totally uninvolved. If they're not getting anything from it and are uninterested in sexual things in that moment, I believe it would be odd to knock one out. Unless they've stated they're ok with it, obviously.

Original poster

Missmackenzie89 · 29/08/2017 09:58

Thanks everyone - to clear up a few points I have absolutely no issue in general with DP masturbating, and yes of course it is his bed too. I have no problem with him doing it in the bed - alone. But to do it, what he thinks of as "sneakily" while I'm asleep and me being woken up by the bed shaking is not OK with me. When I've said past conversations that I wouldn't like it.

Thanks @blueberrypuffin that's summed it up quite well for me - like would it be OK if he started doing it on the sofa after dinner because its his house and his sofa? There has to be some boundaries.

@teachesofpeaches we moved in together pretty quickly, after 2 months of dating and I generally do all the washing in the house.. Boxers socks etc are left on the bedroom floor and I have to admit I tidy them up and do the washing

I am not as pissed off as I was on Saturday when I posted this, and part of me just thinks I should let it go, but surely then he is just going to do it again, and if it's happened twice in the last week it's going to be sooner rather than later.

OP posts:

Original poster

Missmackenzie89 · 29/08/2017 10:04

@willow2017 - thank you! I thought our sex life was pretty good, and if I'd had about 2 hours more sleep on Saturday a.m and was woken up nicely I would not have objected to some morning action either! Disregarding the debate of whether 36 hours is too long I still think it's weird to do that in bed next to your sleeping partner.

OP posts:

Original poster

Missmackenzie89 · 29/08/2017 10:07

@haveacupoftea yep! - I probably wouldn't have been ecstatic at being woken up at 6.30 am to be seduced but would be ten times better than being woken up by the bed shaking, and I would have got something out of it as well..

OP posts:

Mommasoph30 · 29/08/2017 11:32

I would get him back lol

Wake him up at 6,30 am one morning having a vigoruous wank and see what he has to say,

Otherwise have a conversation and say if u need to wank fine but not next to me in bed,
Its a bit rude imo and quite passive, is he doing it deliberately do you think?

soutgdub33 · 12/11/2019 23:02

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