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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at Oh wanking?

175 replies

Missmackenzie89 · 26/08/2017 15:40

Long time lurker but first time posting. Live with my boyfriend of 10 months, no children yet.

We've discussed wanking in the past, I know it's a normal part of life and I know he does it it's normal, but I have previously said that i would find it weird if i was in the bed when he did it (as in if I wasn't involved in the act lol).

Well this morning was the second morning just this week that I have been woken up by him pleasuring himself. Both times I had no idea how to react, I didn't want to embarrass him, and I genuinely didn't know whether to say anything. I don't really appreciate being woken up at 6.30 on a Saturday morning by the bed shaking and heavy breathing... We have an active sex life and although it's aunt flow week he's had plenty of other action, and we had full intercourse just on Thursday so he's not "deprived". I don't know whether to say anything to him or just pretend i don't know but I'm a bit annoyed to be honest. Especially because I have said in the past that I don't like the idea of him doing it while I'm in bed, the way I look it as it's either private or a joint effort not somewhere in between.

OP posts:
NewDaddie · 27/08/2017 11:20

It's rude and inconsiderate.

Get hold of his phone. Set a reminder for 5am (with alarm) make the title of reminder:

'Get up and leave the room to have a wank'

Make the description:

'so I'm not an inconsiderate little shit by waking up dp unnecessarily.'

Sallystyle · 27/08/2017 12:00

My DH is completely unselfconscious and has a really high sex drive. He has, on occasion, if I've not been feeling like having sex when he did, asked if I could go to bed early

Fucking hell. If my husband asked me to go to bed early so he can wank i'd tell him to fuck off. No way would I go to bed early so my husband can wank off to porn. Can't he go somewhere else?

Laiste · 27/08/2017 15:53

I would have no problem with DH wanking next to me whatever the time. Even if he'd woken me up in the process during the early hours i'd jump him and join in. (i realise i'm in the minority, but important for every point of view to be represented :))

The giving of the sticky boxers to wash however would feel a bit ... servant like. I'd expect him to not do that to me.

balsamicbarbara · 27/08/2017 23:10

Forget everything else, wanking into clothing is mega grim and totally needless. Eugh Confused

ghanchi · 27/08/2017 23:21

Plenty of men (and women) masturbate, even if they are having regular sex. If your boyfriend seemed uninterested in sex with you, and you caught him masturbating (ie clearly not a low sex drive excuse), then you'd have cause to worry. But doing it by the bed with only you in sight (no other pictures etc) might bother you but you could get involved if you're into that kind of thing which has to be mutually consented.

HarmlessChap · 27/08/2017 23:33

To be fair to the poor chap, men get awful ballache if they don't ejaculate regularly. So there is a medical need to knock one out at least daily, if not more often.
Not IME, there is some discomfort after 3 days but not "awful ballache" and it passes rather than builds.

MistressDeeCee · 27/08/2017 23:58

I've done it (quietly!) when OH has fallen asleep and Im suddenly in that mood,

I can understand someone being annoyed if waken by man having a wank but I don't see why its "disrespectful". I suspect a good number of people think (but won't admit) that if a man has a woman he shouldn't wank it should always and only be about sex with wife.

I couldn't care less if OH wanks. I wouldn't expect any comment from him if he knew that I did, either..As long as sex life is good in between why should there be an issue?

And any person who cannot possibly last until Saturday without an orgasm, having had intercourse on Thursday, has a serious problem with control, imo

^So - the man should control himself and not wank until he can have sex with his wife? Why?! & is there a national standard re sex drives, meaning someone is out of control if say their sex drive is higher than the another person's?!

Wanting to control when someone pleasures themself? Strange.

Wouldn't want to be woken by it tho but thats all

DrFoxtrot · 28/08/2017 00:25

I'm trying to work out whether my XH has opened multiple MN accounts given some of the ridiculous opinions/ statements on this thread.

OP I agree with the PP who suggested the hairdryer at 5am. Waking you this early is not on. I wouldn't be particularly bothered about the wanking next to me if I was not disturbed. But you have already discussed that you are not happy with it and he has continued. What is he like generally? He sounds disrespectful including leaving the crusty boxers for you to deal with Envy

QuackPorridgeBacon · 28/08/2017 12:58

I've masturbated while my partner was asleep.. he woke up and honestly we had the most amazing sex we had ever had.

If you have expressed your dislike then he should respect that but it is his bed also so why should he have to find somewhere else? Doing it into his boxers is a bit grim, I'd ask him to wash his own if he continues to do that though. Not sure what to suggest really, either find a way to both compromise or leave him if it really is too much for you.

Thatssomecatchthatcatch22 · 28/08/2017 14:53

Onanism is a sin. FACT
If your OH is thinking about someone other than you while he is doing it, then he is committing adultery. Also a sin. FACT.

haveacupoftea · 28/08/2017 15:04

That is extremely weird. Wanking is normal but usually private. Also, if your partner is in bed with you wouldn't most people try to gently wake them and try to seduce them? I know you can't have sex but you can still pleasure each other Confused is he always lazy and selfish?

Willow2017 · 28/08/2017 15:15

Onanism is a sin. FACT
If your OH is thinking about someone other than you while he is doing it, then he is committing adultery. Also a sin. FACT.

Definition of fact:
A thing that is known or proved to be true
something for which proof exists

Think you got your 'facts' wrong.

Thatssomecatchthatcatch22 · 28/08/2017 16:16

They are facts because a man in a long black dress told me they were facts because he said they were written in a fragments of books written about 1500-2000 years ago. FACT. Grin

Willow2017 · 28/08/2017 16:20

Well that makes it ok then, you were right all along Grin

PowerPantsRule · 28/08/2017 16:26

SinisterBum Face Cat - that really made me chuckle.

Listopia · 28/08/2017 16:38

Sex with a partner and masturbating are entirely different.

I'd be annoyed if DH woke me up but the reason would be pretty irrelevant.

TheNaze73 · 28/08/2017 17:01

If you don't like him doing it next to you, then he's being disrespectful. Sex & self masturbation are completely different things.

BeyondLimitsAndWhatever · 28/08/2017 17:49

I don't mind the next to bit personally, both me and DH have done it quietly while the other sleeps, or even while the other is there but not in the mood. Doesn't bother me, though I'm sure I'm in a minority there! Grin

Being woken by his selfishness (it is perfectly possible to do it discreetly, unless you are a particularly light sleeper), doing it when he knows it is not okay with you, or ending in his pants (then expecting you to wash said pants!) are Not On.

Yuck.

Polichinelle · 28/08/2017 18:06

TBH, it wouldn't bother me at all. It is something that my partner and I feel very comfortable about. If one of us is not in the mood, we are not going to start harassing the other. Having said that, what tends to happen is that one of us gets awakened by the other and then joins in.

To everybody saying "can't he go somewhere else?", do you none of you live in a one bedroom flat?.

skibop · 28/08/2017 18:34

I don't think you're being unreasonable asking not to be woken up at 6.30am. However, to all the other posters saying he's disgusting for wanking in their bed - you must be fun. And whoever said 'if you can't go 36 hours between fucks you need to get out more' - I'm glad I'm not going out with you! Once a day is pretty normal, I think? The issue is that he woke her up, she is BU if she thinks wanking in their bed is wrong.

LuluJakey1 · 28/08/2017 18:49

I don't mind DH wanking in our bed if I am involved somehow 🙂
As far as I know he doesn't do it when I'm asleep- I am not a good sleeper and the amount of noise he makes I am sure I would wake up.
Happy for him to have one in the bathroom or bedroom when I am not there. He wakes up with erections every morning but doesn't need a wank every morning.
I told him about the Thursday to Saturday morning sexless 'gap' post and he said 'Those were the days eh?'
He has been visiting PIL with DS (32months) and was supposed to stay until today but came home early last night because PIL were looking exhausted by DS. DS was awake until half 10 over-excited. DD (almost 5 months) was awake from about 2 until almost 5 this morning and DS came bouncing into our room just after 7. If they sleep tonight, so will we. Knackered.

elevenclips · 28/08/2017 19:19

I wouldn't mind the wanking in bed or the crusty boxers but I'd feel pretty murderous about being woken up at 6:30am.

skittycat · 28/08/2017 19:21

My ex partner used to do this regularly and it did used to annoy me quite a bit tbh as I frequently woke up to find him groping my arse/tits at the same time.

He could never figure out why I didn't like it.

coconuttella · 28/08/2017 19:32

And whoever said 'if you can't go 36 hours between fucks you need to get out more' - I'm glad I'm not going out with you! Once a day is pretty normal, I think?

You're referring to "going out with" implying you're perspective is relationships in their early days when daily sex isn't unusual... Many years into a marriage/relationship and after a couple of kids, things tend to become less frequent.... (though this is probably now the cue for someone to post they've been married 40 years and still shag twice daily!)

Ropsleybunny · 28/08/2017 19:50

Once a day is pretty normal

You're having a laugh, surely Grin