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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step daughter's horrible texts

165 replies

sunnysideup1971 · 26/08/2017 13:13

I posted last week about a row I had with DP. For those who remember the thread, my darling dog is absolutely fine and more spoiled than ever. Thank goodness. DP and I have had lots of very long, soul searching conversations and although many will say he's an abusing bastard who'll do it again, I have a lot to weigh up and think leaving him for this one time action would be rash.

The reason for this second post is the events since then with DSD. She overheard the row and comforted her dad. She was unaware at this point he'd kicked my dog. Nothing was said the following day or for remainder of their time with us. After she went home she text me the most hurtful message telling me she was disgusted and ashamed of me for saying what I did to her dad. I didn't want to go into it so asked her dad to explain it was a row between us, adults have rows, it got out of hand, he kicked the dog and I went crazy! She said she didn't give a flying fuck about the dog!!! She has always loved him to bits and he sleeps with her when she's over.

She won't see any reasoning and her dad won't tell her to mind her own business.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
sunnysideup1971 · 26/08/2017 16:27

Now I'm a liar, it's obvious why I didn't tell the vet. For gods sake I didn't ask for your judgements. Goodbye.

OP posts:
TheViceOfReason · 26/08/2017 16:29

You are able to make your own choices. Your dog can't.

If you want to delude yourself thinking it won't happen again, fine, but put your dog first.

Redone it. Take it to a charity on Monday and hand it over with some money saying your partner is an abusive cunt and you can't guarantee your dogs safety.

He's got away with it now with no consequences - next time your dog could be badly hurt or killed - you obviously CANNOT guarantee it is safe. Stop kidding yourself.

Papafran · 26/08/2017 16:29

OK well, just so you know, he will push you again and probably injure your dog again. And you will probably make excuses for him again until he dumps you. I feel extremely sorry for your dog. Why could he at least not have manned up and told his daughter that it was his fault, the whole row? It wouldn't have taken much. The fact that he won't even do this for you shows that he has zero respect for you and doesn't even feel bad about what he has done.

Fairenuff · 26/08/2017 16:30

The question about why did you lie to the vet - you really need to articulate the answer yourself. You need to put it into words and put it into writing to make it real for you.

You lied. There was a reason for that. What was the reason?

It's a simple question. Why can't you answer it?

It will be a turning point for you OP. Answer the question.

MetalMidget · 26/08/2017 16:36

No reason to report me to the RSPCA.

There's every reason - your dog is in a home where it's in danger of being viciously attacked when your abusive shit of a husband loses his rag, and you're not willing to protect him. Your step daughter has a similar shitty attitude to animals (it's OK if your dog is attacked, because she 'doesn't give a flying fuck) and you.

If you're willing to stick it out, at least rehome your dog so he can live in a loving and safe environment, not in a house full of abuse and stress where he gets booted across the room.

vikingprincess81 · 26/08/2017 16:39

You can get angry with us or you can get angry with him - we won't push you or kick your dog though. Why do you think we are all so heated about this OP? Do you think it might just be because some/many of us have been there.
I know how hard it is.
Believe me, I know.
How bad does it have to get for you to leave? You don't have to answer, but draw that line in your mind.
You're saving, that's good. Sounds like you're lining up your ducks, and plan to leave. You, and your dog have to be safe meantime though.
As for SD, ignore her, she's the least of your worries right now.
Focus on you, get everything together and get the hell out as soon as you can. That might not be this week or even this month, but when you can, go, and do it safely.

Doowappydoo · 26/08/2017 16:39

How can you even type "they know he's well cared for"? He's not is he? He's been kicked across a room, the precise opposite of being well cared for.

I'm sorry you feel got at and unsupported but I'm not sure what you expect. It might not be what you want to hear but it's very clear to everyone who's read your posts that you and your dog are in danger and need to leave. Most people, myself included, are angry and frustrated by your minimising and your willingness to put a defenceless animal in danger and have him live in fear whilst pretending he's well taken of.

I'm sure it's difficult to leave, do you want to leave? Are you making plans? Why don't you try and get some help? I can understand how it must feel overwhelming to upend your life but there will be a way and you'll come out the other side happier.

In response to your actual question I don't think there is anything you can do about your SD. You should ask yourself why your partner hasn't managed to put her straight despite all your heart to hearts and that he's apparently sorry.

feathermucker · 26/08/2017 16:51

That's right, get angry with the people who are giving you the best advice.......LTB.

Your dog is NOT safe. These incidents are almost never one-off. No matter how much you value or care for your dog, you were unable to prevent him from being kicked across the room.

WatchingFromTheWings · 26/08/2017 16:52

Your dog is not safe. What if he gets kicked again and killed??

What if next time it YOU that is kicked??

The step daughter is not your problem, I'd just not reply.

massi71 · 26/08/2017 16:52

Your DP is a psychopath. A real one.

You and your poor dog are both at risk from him.

OP please speak to womans aid.

You are in such an abusive relationship that you can't see it and are minimising his behaviour.

Please please please call them.

SpiritedLondon · 26/08/2017 16:52

Ok I think we can ease up on the whole dog thing. That message is loud and clear. What stands out to me is the DP sleeping with the daughter. What's that all about? What does he say about that because that's very odd. ( my query is because there are proven links between animal cruelty and child abuse. I think OP you should think about asking for this thread to be moved to Relationships - I'm not sure that AIBU is the right place

Runninglateeveryday · 26/08/2017 16:55

I hope someone calls the RSPCA , your poor dog. Your behaving like a complete fool you've been together 3 years how complicated can it be to leave...

Papafran · 26/08/2017 16:55

What stands out to me is the DP sleeping with the daughter. What's that all about?

No, I think it's the DOG that sleeps with the stepdaughter in her bed. Not the dad! Although the crying on your teenage daughter's shoulder after a row with your girlfriend thing is weird af.

Charliegirl1974 · 26/08/2017 16:59

If you do come back to this thread OP please consider pet fostering. I can see why you don't want to give up your dog permanently so you are ignoring advice to rehome but there are alternatives. If you know your dog is safe and you can get him or her back it will remove one of the barriers to you leaving.

www.reducingtherisk.org.uk/cms/content/pet-refuge-services

BlueberryPuffin · 26/08/2017 17:08

Although the crying on your teenage daughter's shoulder after a row with your girlfriend thing is weird af.

It's also pathetic af.

CockacidalManiac · 26/08/2017 17:11

I think OP you should think about asking for this thread to be moved to Relationships - I'm not sure that AIBU is the right place

IIRC, OPs last post was in relationships. I can't remember the responses being much different to this one.

schoolgaterebel · 26/08/2017 17:13

You are in a very precarious position here OP, where you cannot protect yourself or your pet.

Your SD (who has zero respect or compassion) is the least of you worries.

I really hope you find the strength to leave before it's too late.

Valanice1989 · 26/08/2017 17:21

Well now you can see that it's not a one time action, it's a pattern of abusive behaviour which is now showing in his DD's behaviour as a result of him emotionally abusing her too - manipulating, involving her in adult situations. So you're suffering for that today, as is his poor DD who probably does care very much about the dog and is probably very confused and unhappy, and is lashing out as she simply doesn't know what behaviour is expected of her and she is afraid to do anything except support her dad in case he turns on her next (she heard the row, remember).

This is a good point. I do think some posters are being a bit hard on the stepdaughter. She's not the one directly putting the dog at risk, the OP is.

FlindersKeepers · 26/08/2017 17:26

Crying on his teenage daughter's shoulder is a manipulative act.
This paints you as the enemy.
Well, you made him cry right? And the dog was hurt because the dog is your dog. Without you, the dog wouldn't have been hurt.
Now that's twisted logic, but there is a logic there, especially for a teenager who has seen her strong dad cry.

Kicking the dog was no accident. Neither was the recipient of his tears.

Look into the Freedom Programme. It's free and online.

MistressDeeCee · 26/08/2017 17:38

Poor daughter, being manipulated by her dad, drawn into adult conflicts, and his emotional prop. I really hope she doesn't grow up with warped thoughts about relationships

Animal cruelty is beyond the pale

OP and this man together barely 3 years, don't have children together, live in rented property yet she "can't" leave

I wonder if DSD's mum knows dad is manipulating and disturbing their daughter like this?

Sad and abusive relationship all round. Everybody inc dog is suffering because of the devious bully in the household

I hope someone on the outside intervenes in some way

MrsJamesAspey · 26/08/2017 17:39

If your partner had hit you and you needed to go to the hospital and you had lied and said you walked into a door, you know that's a sign of abuse don't you?

But that is exactly what you've done about him kicking your dog...you've lied and covered up for him.

Jux · 26/08/2017 17:46

OP, why can't you contact family or friends and ask for help to move back to them? Why can't you say "he kicked my dog" to them? If I had said that to any member of my family they would be throwing money at me to get me the fuck out!

Also, read this: animal kicking for a really good reason to at least remove your dog, but preferably the pair of you from his domain.

RestlessTraveller · 26/08/2017 17:54

Your dog is icing with an animal abuser and the one person who prefoesses to love it is condoning the abuse. If I knew who you were I'd be reporting you to the RSPCA.

As for advice about your SD, I don't respect you enough to give you any.

RestlessTraveller · 26/08/2017 17:56

Living, not icing.

gamerchick · 26/08/2017 17:57

You lied to the vet? You're just as bad as people who lie to hospitals when their child has been hurt by a family member. Your dog is the victim in all of this as well as your stepdaughter.

If you're at the point of covering for an abuser you should rehome the dog. Make your choices all you want but that animal doesn't have a say.

Sacrifices so you can keep the feels. You can't have it all.