Step daughter's horrible texts

[sunnysideup1971]

I posted last week about a row I had with DP. For those who remember the thread, my darling dog is absolutely fine and more spoiled than ever. Thank goodness. DP and I have had lots of very long, soul searching conversations and although many will say he's an abusing bastard who'll do it again, I have a lot to weigh up and think leaving him for this one time action would be rash.

The reason for this second post is the events since then with DSD. She overheard the row and comforted her dad. She was unaware at this point he'd kicked my dog. Nothing was said the following day or for remainder of their time with us. After she went home she text me the most hurtful message telling me she was disgusted and ashamed of me for saying what I did to her dad. I didn't want to go into it so asked her dad to explain it was a row between us, adults have rows, it got out of hand, he kicked the dog and I went crazy! She said she didn't give a flying fuck about the dog!!! She has always loved him to bits and he sleeps with her when she's over.

She won't see any reasoning and her dad won't tell her to mind her own business.

What do I do?

Your dog is not safe and neither are you. You are not seeing it as a pattern of escalating behaviour because previously you've given as good as you've got and could fool yourself it was 50/50.

Your dog might go everywhere with you but you couldn't protect it the night it got kicked and you won't be able to if another incident occurs, it is not safe.

There isn´t anything you can do about her. She´s heard from him how awful you are. Have you never had a friend with a really shitty partner who has gone back to them time after time and you hate them because of what they´ve done to your friend, while your friend forgives them and moves on? In this situation, she´s in the friend´s position. Her father has painted you as a horrible person and now she thinks that he´s gone back to the nasty person who hurt his feelings and made him kick the dog. She´s probably start hating your dog too now, as an extension of you, so make sure she goes nowhere near him.

You partner won´t put her straight because that makes him the bad guy, and in this narrative, it´s you who are the bad guy. That suits him too, so next time he is abusive to you or your dog, he has a ready made story to fit himself into this.

This is the way it is now, OP. If you really want to stay, then never leave your dog alone with these people and stay alert for the next incident. In the mean time, why not start planning your exit, so you have other options than staying and being abused by the people you live with?

I am incensed by his behaviour but my situation means leaving is a very difficult option. I need to make the most of it

You've nothing to make the most of. Good luck with putting up with abuse for the sake of having a man. If DSD is learning relationship behaviour patterns from the 2 of you then God help her, and no wonder she thinks its fine to send you abusive texts

Your dog goes everywhere with you suggests to me you were there when that bully was kicking it. The dog isn't safe with you as you are man-focused so lying that the dog is safe. A safe dog doesn't get kicked by someone else in its owners' presence

Where are you that you can't at least pick up a phone to get advice about leaving and getting your papers in order in case one day you do make up your mind to leave this man alone, stop acting like he is the only man in the world or is your elevated God or some such, and walk away

You don't mention having children with him so whats the big deal?

I don't want any woman in this life to be disrespected in any way. I don't want men to get away with bullying women

But fuck me your minimising of his nasty behaviour towards an animal makes you sound wholly unlikeable,. You're more worried about a young woman who doesn't like you and probably never will - you can't force her to either,, lest you forget

Anyway you've had loads of advice which you don't want to take, you are here to waffle on about your dickhead of a man , and whinge about how to get a young woman to like you

You need help. Womens Aid, Victim Support etc you likely know that. This isn't the place - replies will not reflect what you want them too as quite rightly, people are incensed as you're going on about this fool and his rude af daughter and it sounds like that dog could die for all you care, as long as you are this man and his daughters' whipping boy as it were.

You and he need reporting. You don't deserve to own a loving pet.

Hopefully you will get some help for yourself, to include gaining a sense of worth

Hey, it's National Dog Day today

What better day is there to do one thing to keep your poor dog safe. Do it today OP. Either make plans to rehouse your dog or leave with him. Either way, please don't leave him at risk of another attack from this vile bully.

OP, I'm very relieved you took your dog to the vet. Did you tell them that your partner kicked him, or did you pretend he'd been attacked by a stranger in the park or something?

I agree with suki. If you will insist on staying with this arsehole would you at least consider rehoming your dog so he doesnt have to live in fear, and probably get hurt every time your "d"p decides to have a fight with you. I feel so sorry for him having to live in your house

How safe did the dog feel when your partner kicked it across the room?

You refuse to listen to advice so I'm bowing out. I do hope you're not on here next week asking for advice because your partner has kicked you across the room. Somehow I suspect you won't listen to us even then.

I feel sorry for you but sorrier for your poor dog. You don't deserve him.

As a child, I grew up in a violent home. I lived in fear, every day. I used to hope and pray for it to stop or someone would just come and take us away. We had a small dog who could sense when the "fun" was going to start and would go and hide behind the sofa. I think his little face peeping out while he whimpered and shook was enough to make me take to sleeping with a carving knife under the bed. I swore as a 12/13 yr old that if I had to, I would kill my father. I meant it.

I managed to "save" my mum from a violent argument with my dad years later. She still says now that had I not, he would have ended her life that night.

Leave this man. Give the dog to a rehoming centre. Please. No one (animal or human) should live in fear.

Well you've passed the "how far can I push her" test.

He knows now that you'll accept physical abuse & allow your dog to be similarly abused.

Next time it'll be a bit more violent for both of you.

I find it very hard to believe you told a vet your dog was kicked by another adult who has regular access to him & they didn't notify the RSPCA.

You should love the dog enough to re-home because you can't protect him.

There will be many more long and meaningful talks with him in the future. Unfortunately most of them will happen after he's done something terrible then come up with a good reason for it.

Better to live in a box with your little dog then a palace with this man.

You don't have children.
You don't own the house.
The dog is yours.
His children are teenagers.

Please can you explain why it's 'complicated' for you to leave?

Re your DSD1, she's 18. She is choosing to take her Dad's side despite knowing he kicked your dog, that she loves. Think about what he must have told her when they had their chat. It's not going to have been the truth is it!? So, he's LIED to her, to get her to go against you. God alone knows what she thinks happened, but for to say what she did, he must have laid it on thick. It'll only get worse with him telling her more crap to keep her on his side.

You might bring out the worst in him, but I'd bet good money on him always lashing out like this & that being a large part of why he's not with their mum.

3 years isn't long and during that time some of it must have been long distance.

He hurt your baby to hurt you. No matter what he says now, he'll do it again when he's angry. He got angry over making the bed late at night, it's not going to take much for him to get angry again.

Think also about why you name changed to post this.

I grew up with emotional abuse and manipulation from my father but even he was disgusted when he found out that a manager in his former company had broken his puppy's leg and reported him. I would rather have no one but my dogs in my life than be with someone who lies, manipulates, picks quarrels, gaslights and blames, and to top it all is violent to an innocent animal purely because it is something you love. You have a job and an income; you also have love and affection from your dog. Get the dog into kennels or temporarily fostered until you have somewhere else to call home and find yourself a hotel or rented room. The dog ISN'T SAFE: he was violently assaulted by that waste of space WHILE HE WAS WITH YOU.

Sounds like you're so desperate to cling onto your co-dependent relationship that you'll let go of any self respect you have.

Why can't you be just as blunt with the dsd?
After her comments she would not be stepping foot across my threshold without a sincere apology.
She would never be allowed to have the dog in her room overnight, especially as you say dog goes everywhere with me

Why are you not bothered that your bf refuses to parent/discipline his dd?

The other thing to consider really carefully is that both you and the dog were lucky this time. Next time you might fall, hit your head & die or he might kick your dog differently causing internal injuries & death. Could you risk him killing your baby like that? Why would you risk it? He kicked your dog because of a stupid row about making the bed. Could you bear to lose your dog because of a row over something so incredibly stupid? Because that's what you are risking. You being that makes it more likely he'll kick your dog because it's you he's trying to hurt.

SukiTheDog

You are on a totally losing wicket with your dsd. Your dp has told her a story diametrically opposed to your version and she believes him. She now sees you as a liar and prob thinks you deserve all you get.

If this causes her pain or distress, she may well take it out on the dog. She may see the dog as a trigger and he is in an even more vulnerable position than she is.

The most positive thing to do is to leave your dp. The only other non negligent thing to do is to remove your dog to a place of safety.

You couldn't protect him last time. You now know your dp has it in him to hurt the dog. Protect him now.

Thanks all! Time to take myself away from those who say I'm as bad as them. Mumsnet really is not a place of refuge is it? I'm saving hard, I moved job and home to be with this man, away from friends and family. It's not as easy as just walking away. I'll probably get called a money grabber now. Facts are I live in an expensive part of the world and trusted this man so much that I gave up my idenpendence. I simply can't afford to leave yet! As for the vet, yes I lied! I said I'd tripped over him and accidentally kicked him in the ribs. My dog is very well looked after and has been to this vet a little recently for work on his teeth so they know he's well cared for. No reason to report me to the RSPCA.

My dog is very well looked after

Except when he's being kicked across the room, of course.

Why didn't you tell the vet the truth?

Why do you think fairenuff?

Sometimes posters feel responsible for challenging the excuses and denial of deluded posters. He abused your dog and you lied to the vet.

I have no idea. You've been very insistent that your dog is safe with you so why do think a vet would have a problem with the truth?

Just tell them what you told us and they will fine with it surely?

You tell us - why didn't you tell the vet the truth?

You didn't tell the vet the truth so wont be reporting the abuse.
Your DSD wasn't told the truth either so she wont be reacting to the abuse either.
Until you both start telling the truth there is nothing you can do about DSDs behaviour.
You have been abused. Your dog has been abused. Any other story you tell yourself that its a once off is a lie.

So apply for a job back where you moved from and take the dog. Take back some independence.

Don't let the dog sleep with her anymore. In fact I'd keep that dog glued to your side as she really isn't safe.