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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Step daughter's horrible texts

165 replies

sunnysideup1971 · 26/08/2017 13:13

I posted last week about a row I had with DP. For those who remember the thread, my darling dog is absolutely fine and more spoiled than ever. Thank goodness. DP and I have had lots of very long, soul searching conversations and although many will say he's an abusing bastard who'll do it again, I have a lot to weigh up and think leaving him for this one time action would be rash.

The reason for this second post is the events since then with DSD. She overheard the row and comforted her dad. She was unaware at this point he'd kicked my dog. Nothing was said the following day or for remainder of their time with us. After she went home she text me the most hurtful message telling me she was disgusted and ashamed of me for saying what I did to her dad. I didn't want to go into it so asked her dad to explain it was a row between us, adults have rows, it got out of hand, he kicked the dog and I went crazy! She said she didn't give a flying fuck about the dog!!! She has always loved him to bits and he sleeps with her when she's over.

She won't see any reasoning and her dad won't tell her to mind her own business.

What do I do?

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 26/08/2017 14:04

What cory said.

fleshmarketclose · 26/08/2017 14:05

How can you stay with someone who abused an animal you profess to love? You have stupidly made your choice but the dog deserves better. You have chosen your p over the dog so do the decent thing and rehome the dog to somewhere it will be safe and loved.

Fleshy · 26/08/2017 14:07

Your shitty boyfriend and his kid are irrelevant. You chose this, ffs the old 'not perfect' applies to diets and stuff, not vulnerable pets and abusers. Animal abusers are vermin, you can navel gaze all you like but your abused pet needs to go to a rescue and you pay the costs until he/she finds a safe, loving home. It's your choice to stay with this worthless piece of shit, you do not get to force other sentient beings to do the same.

Nanny0gg · 26/08/2017 14:07

Your poor dog.

You? You can make choices. It's a shame they're the wrong ones.

Especially for your dog.

pigsDOfly · 26/08/2017 14:08

Well given that she 'doesn't give a flying fuck' about some poor bloody living creature being smashed against someone's foot and sent flying across a room, I'd be a bit concerned she might behave in a similar way if you piss her off.

Get the dog re homed.

Your dog is not safe, it's not loved, and next time he, or possibly she, kicks it, it might actually be so badly injured it dies.

Try to imagine how painful that must have been for the dog? How can you excuse violence like that?

AnnabelleLecter · 26/08/2017 14:10

If you want to live with a violent pshyco that's your choice but don't let your dog suffer.
I agree it needs a new family now. Spoiling it now it not the answer, your dog is living in fear.
I am fuming on behalf of your dog that you have forgiven this sad excuse of a man.

PoorYorick · 26/08/2017 14:12

God if someone kicked my cat he'd be in A&E getting the scratching post removed from his anal passage.

mumofthemonsters808 · 26/08/2017 14:12

Humans have something called choice which innocent animals don't.You choose to stay with your vile, abusive man, you can also choose to not even open the messages from your Stepdaughter.Your dog has no options, he's saddled with you and your dysfunctional family, his only option is running away.

JumpingJellybeanz · 26/08/2017 14:13

Thanks for your advice. I know many of you have teenage experience, that's what I'm after, a bit of advice on how to deal with this anger from her.

You deal with her anger by addressing the cause of her anger. In this case, the abusive relationship she is witnessing.

ShatnersWig · 26/08/2017 14:14

Your dog deserves to have a loving home and to feel safe in that home, not wonder if it's gonna have the shit kicked out of it. Quite honestly, I'm disgusted you will risk that again. You shouldn't be allowed to keep an animal and I hope that if you don't have the decency to rehome it that someone in real life knows you and arranges for the dog to "go missing"

OnlyGodKnowsWhy · 26/08/2017 14:14

He kicked your dog? If that was a child would you be so keen to stay with him? I adore my dog, he's old, smelly and grumpy but if anyone kicked him, I would go crazy too AND make sure that person is never near me or my dog again.

Don't you see that this is what abusers do? Act the wounded party and turn everyone against you? There is nothing you can do about dsd anger.

What you can do is forget about those 100 reasons to trust him and get yourself out with your dog. Anyone that can attack a defenseless animal is an abuser and WILL do it again.

mmmmnuts · 26/08/2017 14:20

She's a teenage girl, she's obviously gonna side with her dad over her stepmum. If you're not willing to LTB then that's just something you're gonna have to deal with. Forget about it and try to move on.

SonicBoomBoom · 26/08/2017 14:23

What do you do?

Well obviously you roll over and hope one day she'll display an act of kindness, like tickle your belly, so you can justify to yourself that she's lovely really.

thatdearoctopus · 26/08/2017 14:24

How do you know your poor dog didn't suffer internal injuries when he was kicked?
How would you have explained that one to the vet?

Sorry, but people like you make me very angry. Your dp? Yes, he's a bastard of the first order, his dad sounds like a piece of work too, but you're condoning it all. Y making excuses for them.

Best of British luck to the lot of you - although I pray for the dog's sake, someone takes proper responsibility for him.

MistressDeeCee · 26/08/2017 14:27

Im not particularly a dog lover can take them or leave them but even I know that a person who wilfully harms an animal is no good. FFS..& you're concerned about his daughter? The problem is your DP,, his lack of respect for you, him hurting a defenceless animal simply because it belongs to you - and you sitting there thinking you can magically make HIS daughter see things in your way.

Even if she did - so what? The man disses you, hurts your dog and DSD witnesses all this. She is a young woman, granted her dad is bad news but he is HER dad so she is siding with him but that won't mean that, all she sees and hears that you put up with, will make her respect you as a a woman

She won't see any reasoning and her dad won't tell her to mind her own business

Whilst you're ruminating on a situation between dad and daughter you can do nothing about, its to be hoped you're looking into getting your dog rehomed.

All this for the sake of ONE man in this world ffs...a man that's violent to an animal and disrespectful to his supposed lifepartner. He's rich, or has a diamond-encrusted dick. Its got to be that.

pigsDOfly · 26/08/2017 14:31

Mmmmnuts is right. You can't win this girl over. You won't leave an abusive arsehole who uses your dog as a punchbag, so you have to stay and accept the situation for what it is.

One day he might kill your dog, but I suspect if that happens you'll continue to suck it up and make excuses for him.

I'm not sure what you want from this thread OP.

This girl has no respect for you, your partner has no respect for you, but you seem willing to accept that so really there's nothing anyone can advise you to do.

Perhaps one day you'll get some respect for yourself and your poor dog and leave. In the meantime you just have to accept things as they are and live the life you're willing to put up with.

happypoobum · 26/08/2017 14:32

What's wrong with you?

Seriously OP, I am guessing something awful has happened to you in your past that has left you with such pitifully low self esteem that you would accept this abusive arsehole as a partner, and allow him to hurt your dog.

I would sympathise but your dog doesn't have a choice in all this.

MistressDeeCee · 26/08/2017 14:34

I do think the DP should tell his DD not to send abusive texts to OP. Thats not on. However the fact he won't do so also speaks volumes about his level of respect for his patner and relatioship

RainbowPastel · 26/08/2017 14:35

Wake up OP. He WILL do it again they always do. Your poor dog deserves so much better.

flissfloss65 · 26/08/2017 14:35

If he was truly remorseful over kicking the dog he would tell his dd the argument was his fault, he behaved very badly and you did nothing wrong.

Your so is the problem.

flissfloss65 · 26/08/2017 14:36

apostropheuse · 26/08/2017 14:40

Don't be ridiculous, your dog is not loved and safe. Your dog is at risk of further abuse and you are complicit in animal abuse.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Disgusting.

Valanice1989 · 26/08/2017 14:41

I can't believe you're acting as though some texts from your stepdaughter are the real issue here! Get some perspective. No, no one's perfect, but most people manage to make it through life without ever kicking a dog, FFS!

Have you taken your dog to the vet to be checked over yet? If so, were you upfront with them about what happened? As a dog owner, this is the bare minimum you should do. Your partner could have caused some kind of damage that isn't immediately obvious.

Your stepdaughter is probably feeling conflicted about her father's behaviour. If he's manipulated you this effectively, it's hardly surprising that he's done the same to his own daughter.

If you choose to stay with your partner, you really need to rehome your dog. It's hugely irresponsible to put him at further risk.

innagazing · 26/08/2017 14:43

Sunnysideup
I don't think there's anything much you can do about dsd's texts directly with her, without 'd'ps support, apart from to block them. If you try, it's likely that they'll both use it against you, or gang up on you, in some way.

You say that Dp and you have done a lot of very long soul searching conversations. I don't think they can have been very useful in affecting any real change from DP. If they had been meaningful, surely DP would be sorting his daughter out immediately, and going to great lengths to stop her being abusive towards you.
I'm sorry, but it sounds as though you're not seen as an equal by Dp or DD.

MehMehAndMeh · 26/08/2017 14:43

Your not so DP is escalating his violent and abusive behaviour.
His daughter will take his side every time. He will cry to her and twist things and encourage her to be as vile to you as he is.
They both see you as a doormat, which tbh you are being.
Leave, or rehome your dog if you are not prepared to end the relationship. The dog is not safe and is only loved by you. This attack on an animal was the first of what will become any. All of a sudden you will be told your dog is engaging in undesirable behaviours that it never has done before in an effort to encourage you to get rid of it. If you do not the violence will increase until it is either injured to the point it needs vet attention or snaps and you are told to destroy it. You pet has become a target because it is a source of love and support for you. You cannot have that all attention and support must go to him at all times.
Please reconsider and leave, give your pet a better life than this. How much soul searching do you think your dog did?
Also remember, particularly in an abusive environment where it no longer feels safe your dog will be practically at deaths door before it shows signs of pain. As in the wild it masks the pain so it does not become an easy target.

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