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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step daughter's horrible texts

165 replies

sunnysideup1971 · 26/08/2017 13:13

I posted last week about a row I had with DP. For those who remember the thread, my darling dog is absolutely fine and more spoiled than ever. Thank goodness. DP and I have had lots of very long, soul searching conversations and although many will say he's an abusing bastard who'll do it again, I have a lot to weigh up and think leaving him for this one time action would be rash.

The reason for this second post is the events since then with DSD. She overheard the row and comforted her dad. She was unaware at this point he'd kicked my dog. Nothing was said the following day or for remainder of their time with us. After she went home she text me the most hurtful message telling me she was disgusted and ashamed of me for saying what I did to her dad. I didn't want to go into it so asked her dad to explain it was a row between us, adults have rows, it got out of hand, he kicked the dog and I went crazy! She said she didn't give a flying fuck about the dog!!! She has always loved him to bits and he sleeps with her when she's over.

She won't see any reasoning and her dad won't tell her to mind her own business.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Theimpossiblegirl · 26/08/2017 13:36

You had some really good advice and support on your last thread and you have chosen to stay with him. Now you are wondering why his daughter is treating you badly- because she sees her father has no respect for you and is merely following suit.
I'm sorry but this is not going to end well, and when you finally do leave, you will wish you had done so sooner.
Please don't waste your life on him.

PoorYorick · 26/08/2017 13:37

God just leave the shithead already and don't rise to the kids trying to get involved. He kicked your dog!

bounce2006 · 26/08/2017 13:37

Sorry I missed the last post, but I can't get over the fact that your partner kicked a dog! What a bully!

OliviaStabler · 26/08/2017 13:39

What do I do?

You LTB!

NicolasFlamel · 26/08/2017 13:42

The poor girl is an apologist for a violent scumbag. That says a lot about how he is raising her. She doesn't see that the behaviour is wrong and she's siding with abuser. There's nothing appropriate to do in that situation apart from getting the hell out of the relationship but you didn't listen to anyone last time.

Original poster
sunnysideup1971 · 26/08/2017 13:43

I wish it was as easy as just walking away, but life isn't. Life is not perfect for anyone and this event is a first time in three years. I hope and strongly believe it won't happen again. My dog is loved and safe.

Thanks for your advice. I know many of you have teenage experience, that's what I'm after, a bit of advice on how to deal with this anger from her.

OP posts:
FanwankTheAbsurd · 26/08/2017 13:44

OP, how do you expect to 'deal' with her anger when you are walking around with your fingers in your ears going 'lalalalala can't hear you'?

ShatnersWig · 26/08/2017 13:45

YOU CAN'T DEAL WITH IT because it comes from her father who is an abuser. Just as you can't deal with him. Well you could you just choose not to

CardsforKittens · 26/08/2017 13:45

Don't engage with her.
Just don't reply, no matter how annoyed you might feel about what she's saying.
There is nothing at all to be gained by arguing with her or trying to explain your point of view.

Pollydonia · 26/08/2017 13:45

When the universe is screaming at you it's time to listen.
Leave or let him and his daughter abuse you.
Your choice.

greendale17 · 26/08/2017 13:46

OP doesn't and won't leave her partner.

Nikephorus · 26/08/2017 13:48

My dog is loved and safe.
Haven't read the other thread but a dog that has been kicked across a room is not loved and safe! FFS. Angry

corythatwas · 26/08/2017 13:49

Teenage experience here. But not actually sure it's needed.

After all, what the dd is doing is just a more childish, less measured version of what you are doing: clinging to her dad, despite what he did, because she needs him

If it's not that easy for you, surely you can understand that it's even less easy for her? You can get a new partner, she can't get a new dad.

"I don't care about the dog" almost certainly should be read as "I don't what to know about the dog because I need my dad to be a good man". Teens often say "I don't care" when what they actually mean is "I care too much".

Basically, now that you have explained your side of the story, I would ignore any angry reactions on her part. Treat it like a child's tantrum: it's an expression of powerlessness. Don't use it as an excuse to deflect your real anger away.

pigsDOfly · 26/08/2017 13:50

If she's accepted that her father is somehow a victim in all this and you're the bad guy it doesn't sound like there's a lot you can do to change her mind.

He's obviously manipulated her to convince her he's in the right, and from the sound of it he's done the same with you.

Cannot imagine a situation where I would find myself sharing my home and my bed with the piece of shit that thought fit to kick my dog across a room.

Fairenuff · 26/08/2017 13:50

OP you absolutely cannot guarantee that your dog is safe.

You say you love your dog and feel like it's part of your family but would you stay with a man who kicked a small child across a room?

Please rehome your dog if you insist on staying with a man who either a) cannot control his own legs when he is angry or b) deliberately chooses to hurt the poor dog.

Goodadvice1980 · 26/08/2017 13:52

OP, if I knew you I'd take your dog away. Staying with someone who hurt a defenceless animal makes you no better than the person who kicked the dog.

I hope someone reports you to the rspca. I despise people like you who enable violence towards animals.

MistressDeeCee · 26/08/2017 13:52

although many will say he's an abusing bastard who'll do it again, I have a lot to weigh up and think leaving him for this one time action would be rash

So he's hurt an animal for no reason. Clearly talks to his DSD about your relationship, and about you in a non-positive light so she is biased (not her fault - but unpleasant of her to say she couldn't give a fuck about dog)

& you're of the stance that you aren't going to leave as that would be rash

If you're staying with this charming sounding Hmm man can you please rehome your dog asap. You're so man-focused that you don't really see the heinous wrong done here.

He doesn't like the dog and he doesn't like you - but you can actively choose to stay or go. Dog can't - so do the right thing please and get rehoming in process now.

Miserylovescompany2 · 26/08/2017 13:53

He'd already coloured her perception on the night he booted that poor dog across the room!

He's YOUR problem!

My advice is the same as the last thread - leave him

PoorYorick · 26/08/2017 13:53

OP, ever wonder why women stay with abusive shitheads for years on end and excuse all their behaviour?

PoorYorick · 26/08/2017 13:56

Life is not perfect for anyone

Sure, but there are degrees of shitness and not having a dog kicking arsehole in your life is a plus for most people.

FanwankTheAbsurd · 26/08/2017 13:56

If I knew you OP, I too would get your poor dog removed.

You are choosing to stay with a 'man' who kicked a defenceless animal across the room. You are choosing to stay with a 'man' who is manipulating his daughter. You are choosing to stay and continue being abused.

Your poor dog has no choice.

You will, no doubt, ignore all the advice on here, just as you did before.

DirtyChaiLatte · 26/08/2017 13:58

Now you are wondering why his daughter is treating you badly- because she sees her father has no respect for you and is merely following suit.

This!

DJBaggySmalls · 26/08/2017 14:02

Your partner is abusive.
Do your dog a favour and rehome it. Its going to be the next target. He is abusing and manipulating 2 women and a dog.
Quit it with the smileys and wake up.

Your partner is controlling, violent and abusive.

massi71 · 26/08/2017 14:03

Does he have to kick YOU across the room OP before his many good qualities are no longer a reason to stay with him?

Maryhadalittlelamb12 · 26/08/2017 14:03

Any advice on what to do about DSD?

Nothing

It's your partners fault not his daughters. The text came from her but he put the words into her head.

If you can't see this, then you are stupid and will be unhappy with your partner until you leave him.