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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let DD have any more friends round for the rest of the holidays?

131 replies

MainFlamingo · 25/08/2017 16:41

DD (13) has been taking the piss pretty much all holiday, constantly bringing different friends round who don't respect other peoples' houses and make mess and are just generally uncouth.

Yesterday I went out and when I got home she had 7 friends round, and between them they'd moved all the sofas in the living room, put drinks on our brand new furniture with no coasters, spilt drinks over the sofa an d made a mess, and ordered a pizza which they'd eaten at the kitchen table and left it in a state with food smeared on the table and floor.

She's just let another friend round to 'use the toilet' who was on her period and said friend left blood all over the toilet seat, all over the floor and a used pad on the bathroom floor. I phoned DD and made her come back and clean it up herself, which caused a huge tantrum from her.

I'm just bloody sick of coming home and she's had another different friend round and whole place is dirty and a mess. I don't mind her having friends round that I know will behave and not trash the house but surely it's not part of parenting to just accept your home is going to get ruined?

AIBU to not let DD have any friends round for the rest of the holidays and then after that only let her have friends round that I know are well behaved kids?

OP posts:

MsHarry · 25/08/2017 17:49

Also with sleepovers they don't try to keep quiet and this is why I rarely allow them . At 1 am they are still laughing at full pelt. I don't expect them to sleep but we used to whisper and have a torch under the covers etc. It makes me feel like a many old cow to have to text my DD at 1.30 saying enough is enough.

MsHarry · 25/08/2017 17:50

moany

Queenofthestress · 25/08/2017 17:55

Fuck me, I'm not normally astounded on here but your daughter is taking the piss and youre not parenting in any way shape or form,
At 13, if I did that Id have nothing in my room and it happened once or twice, mum black bagged the bloody lot and I was left with sweet fuck all for being a disrespectful ass, and thats what you need to do with your little darling

woodhill · 25/08/2017 17:56

I would be annoyed. Ds has had friends round but they are respectful and would be mindful of my home.

SuburbanRhonda · 25/08/2017 17:57

"go to your room, calm down and think about if you really want me to ground you and stop friends coming round. If you do, please feel free to resume screaming at me".

Sarcasm doesn't really work with teenagers though. You just get sarcasm back, which is to be expected.

Have you read the book, "How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk"? It's a good starting point if communication is the problem, as it seems to be here.

MsHarry · 25/08/2017 17:58

Save us some time Sub how do we talk to teens? In a nutshell please.

YouTheCat · 25/08/2017 18:00

It'd be a total ban on friends and her room would be just a bed until she learns some manners.

Change how you react to her, it'll totally throw her. You sound scared of her.

NC4now · 25/08/2017 18:00

Yep, no friends round for the rest of summer. Period friend should be mortified and DD should be pissed off with her for having to clear up her mess.

When you do allow friends round again, you need boundaries. I don't let DS have anyone in if we're out. Most of his friends are nice, but there are a few I don't trust, and he can be irresponsible.

Does DD pick up after herself when she doesn't have friends in? DS friends will say 'Where shall I put my plate NC4?' or 'Do you mind putting the wifi code in my phone NC4?' They don't take the piss.
That's because a) they are nice kids who are housetrained, and b) they hear me saying things like 'just put your plates by the sink DS'.

When she has friends in, you tell her what to do, and her friends should follow.

SuburbanRhonda · 25/08/2017 18:01

Depends on the situation.

If it could be summarised in a nutshell there would be no need for a book. It's a good investment - and just a few quid on eBay.

elevenclips · 25/08/2017 18:02

I am quite controlling about which friends come round and when for this very reason. I've had enough mess and destruction. Sometimes I think everyone's home is different. Some are more sturdy, others are flimsier. People's stuff works differently, things have quirks. You can't just wander into someone's home behave how you do in your own.

Sayyouwill · 25/08/2017 18:02

When we were kids my sister was very messy and her friends often acted like this is our house. I used to be 'in charge' as I was the eldest (parents worked full time) and I refused to pick up after her and her friends.
I'd move all her crap into her room, including and rubbish she had left lying around. I would just open the door and place in inside.
I wouldn't wash her bedding unless she stripped it herself, I would only wash clothes that were in the hamper and hamper left outside the bedroom on washing day.
She used to kick off with me when she had no uniform for school or netball, or when she had friends round and her bedroom smelled. It wasn't like the rules were difficult! But I wasn't busting my bum to do her chores!! I kept the rest of the house nice but behind her bedroom door looked like Ross's date in an early season of Friends.

MsHarry · 25/08/2017 18:04

No little tips?

fullofhope03 · 25/08/2017 18:09

OMG!! You are DNBU!!

SuburbanRhonda · 25/08/2017 18:10

No, no little tips.

expatinscotland · 25/08/2017 18:10

Well, you can start by setting some clear, firm boundaries, MrsH. And not give in to her if she has a tantrum.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 25/08/2017 18:11

Jesus Christ Op you're a walkover aren't you? In the nicest possible way, bloody well toughen up! She's a child. There's been some very good advice on here about punishment, boundaries, etc. Good luck with it.

MsHarry · 25/08/2017 18:14

I'm not the op expat I was just interested in the miracle book.

SabineUndine · 25/08/2017 18:17

I'd be suggesting she choose her friends more carefully, too. What kind of 13 yo leaves a used sanitary towel on the toilet floor? We've all had accidents with heavy bleeds at times, but you clean it up. I would have been giving the friend a lecture on hygiene too and if she was upset, so much the better, at least she'd have been listening.

Starlight2345 · 25/08/2017 18:19

What are the current consequences for this behaviour?

Nuttynoo · 25/08/2017 18:19

Ok so this is what happens - you take her housekey off her, you stop cleaning her room or doing her laundary because she will eventually start when it stinks so much her friends refuse to come around, and you take away all the fun snacks from the house or lock it up. After a few weeks of eating apples and drinking water the dirty buggers will soon move on because from what I've read they aren't her real friends (real friends care about what their friends' parents think about them).

Period girl should have been handled by talking to her parents about what she did and demanding she return to clean it up. So what if she's embarrassed? I guarantee it wouldn't have happened at her house.

Kittychatcat · 25/08/2017 18:21

Tell her no more friends round to the house and her phone is confiscated for a week. If she tantrums look disinterested and say coldly 'tantrums won't work, I'm fed up with your bad behaviour'

You need to get tough with bratty, selfish teens otherwise they become bratty, selfish adults.

DarthMaiden · 25/08/2017 18:22

@SuburbanRhonda - well it worked with mine....

I went through the shouting back phase, the calm let's talk this through phase, the I don't know what to do so cry phase and what worked was as per my post below. Feigned disinterest with a dash of sarcasm and pinch of passive aggressiveness....

MeMeMeMe123 · 25/08/2017 18:22

OP - play the long game with kids as far as you can. that means training them to be well-adjusted, contributing adults (as far as is reasonably possible of course)

Challenge entitlement, absolutely challenge disrespect. My 14 y/o is hard work, very often but not on that scale.

Not easy i know and i dont want to come across as lecturing you. Its tough being mum and feel surplus to everything and only useful for cooking or money.am miserable at the moment so that might be a bit extreme

user1468353179 · 25/08/2017 18:24

My son used to have at least six mates back after a night in town. I was the only one who'd allow it as the other parents were either old and stuffy, really houseproud or just didn't make them welcome. They used to mess about downstairs, fall asleep on the furniture or just generally have a laugh. It never bothered me as I used to yell at them if they made any mess . They were smashing kids and when they all grew up and got married, life was very quiet. We went to all of their weddings.

Kittychatcat · 25/08/2017 18:25

If you really want to ensure nobody comes round to the house again you could post a picture of the used sanitary towel on social media and tag DD in it with 'whoever left this lying in my bathroom has the manners of a pig'.

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