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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD have any more friends round for the rest of the holidays?

131 replies

MainFlamingo · 25/08/2017 16:41

DD (13) has been taking the piss pretty much all holiday, constantly bringing different friends round who don't respect other peoples' houses and make mess and are just generally uncouth.

Yesterday I went out and when I got home she had 7 friends round, and between them they'd moved all the sofas in the living room, put drinks on our brand new furniture with no coasters, spilt drinks over the sofa an d made a mess, and ordered a pizza which they'd eaten at the kitchen table and left it in a state with food smeared on the table and floor.

She's just let another friend round to 'use the toilet' who was on her period and said friend left blood all over the toilet seat, all over the floor and a used pad on the bathroom floor. I phoned DD and made her come back and clean it up herself, which caused a huge tantrum from her.

I'm just bloody sick of coming home and she's had another different friend round and whole place is dirty and a mess. I don't mind her having friends round that I know will behave and not trash the house but surely it's not part of parenting to just accept your home is going to get ruined?

AIBU to not let DD have any friends round for the rest of the holidays and then after that only let her have friends round that I know are well behaved kids?

OP posts:
Original poster
MainFlamingo · 25/08/2017 16:58

Even when she just has one friend round and is in her bedroom her bedroom gets totally trashed and it takes me a good hour or two to clean it afterwards; things like spilt drinks, crisps trodden into the carpet, clothes everywhere, bedding covered in chewing gum...

OP posts:
Iloveanimals · 25/08/2017 16:58

I tell you something, if you don't nip this behaviour in the bud now you'll be in for pure hell by the time she's 16. Yanbu, friendship at home banned until respect is learnt!

expatinscotland · 25/08/2017 16:58

Yeah, because she lets them use your house as a doss house and raid your things.

FrancisCrawford · 25/08/2017 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Neutrogena · 25/08/2017 16:59

If you act like a doormat, expect people to walk all over you.
Put your foot down NOW

Snausage · 25/08/2017 17:00

You are DEFINITELY not being unreasonable. I would hope that she would go back to period friend and tell her what a disgusting pig she is. Who does that?!

Maybe not being allowed her friends round for the foreseeable will teach her to treat her home (and your belongings!) with a bit more respect.

FanwankTheAbsurd · 25/08/2017 17:00

Why are you the one cleaning up after her??

Original poster
MainFlamingo · 25/08/2017 17:01

Because she won't do it. She just has a tantrum if I ask her to do anything.

OP posts:
Notevilstepmother · 25/08/2017 17:01

her bedroom gets totally trashed and it takes me a good hour or two to clean it afterwards

I think we have found the problem.

Stop cleaning up after her and her friends and make her do it.

FrancisCrawford · 25/08/2017 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iloveanimals · 25/08/2017 17:03

Has she always been like this or is behaviour new? Tantrums at 13? What have you done previously to try and stop this?

BertrandRussell · 25/08/2017 17:03

Why are you cleaning her bedroom?

Xchangedtohideid · 25/08/2017 17:05

Oh, either lock up the bike or next time it goes missing say you've reported it to the police.

Sorry, but she's probably popular because everyone uses 'her' house as a doss house. She'd be less popuar if you stopped cleaning her room and banned friends unless she tidies it herself.

Notevilstepmother · 25/08/2017 17:05

If she wants to have a tantrum, let her.

Just keep calm, stand and watch her, and then the phrase you need is

"Are you quite finished?"

Then make her clean up.

Removal of mobile phone and internet access is a possible threat if she refuses, but don't threaten anything you aren't willing to carry through.

Don't let her treat you like this.

FrancisCrawford · 25/08/2017 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lovemusic33 · 25/08/2017 17:06

This thread makes me kind of pleased that my 13 year old dd has hardly any friends and we live in the middle of nowhere so friends can't just pop in. The few friends she does have just Skype her, so much easier Grin.

Ok, I do feel sad at times that dd doesn't have a social life , she has Asperger and a part of me feels sad that she's not out with friends but when I see what other parents are going through with kids being disrespectful, untidy and staying out late I feel kind of relived.

RubaDubMum89 · 25/08/2017 17:06

It's abit out there, but, why not go into her room, damage her stuff, smear pizza on things and spill drinks then just leave it? Lesson learned the hard way

MiddlingMum · 25/08/2017 17:06

Buy a sturdy lock for your bike, and make sure it's locked to a solid object in the garage.

Disgusting behaviour from all of them by the sound of it. Do you know any of the other parents? Ignore the tantrums and keep repeating how your DD has to clean up or not have friends there.

Anecdoche · 25/08/2017 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gemini69 · 25/08/2017 17:08

Why are you allowing her to treat Home and You like this Mum ?

Why ?

KeepCalm · 25/08/2017 17:08

Holy shit no! I have a DD the same age and she wouldn't dare!!!

Get that nipped in the bud RIGHT NOW.

I8toys · 25/08/2017 17:09

I'm sorry but I cannot believe you let her treat your home like this. Its your family's home. My children would never do this and I would make it clear that it is not welcome. Friends are of course allowed and a bit of mess okay but not to disrespect me and my husband and the home we've built. No way.

Allthebestnamesareused · 25/08/2017 17:10

Every time she has a tantrum - ground her, remove electronics. They soon stop.

Get a combination lock for your bike and don't tell her the combination. Make sure it is secured to something and cannot therefore be borrowed.

If the kids are all there when you get in you go into the room and announce that you'd like them to clear their mess up now, put everything back in order and then it will be time to go.

They will soon realise they cannot just treat your house as a doss house. Also I assume your DD will throw a strop and tell you that you're embarrassing her. So what? Would be my reply. If she doesn't want to be embarrassed she and her friends treat the house with respect.

If you don't put your foot down now in 2 years time you'll come home to older teens drinking and smoking in your house too.

expatinscotland · 25/08/2017 17:12

'Because she won't do it. She just has a tantrum if I ask her to do anything.'

Then she would have FA in her room bar her bed and bedding, a desk with nothing on it but a lamp and her clothes. Everything else would be confiscated and if she had a tantrum, so be it!

My son has HFA, we've had to learn to manage his meltdowns because otherwise they will take over our lives. My life is already shit, so I minimise it when possible and sure as hell don't take it unless absolutely necessary.

You let her walk all over you. So she does!

BarbarianMum · 25/08/2017 17:15

So what if she tantrums? It won't hurt her. Let her tantrum, but no more going out/wifi/allowance/whatever until her room is untrashed.

Not only are her friends not treating you/your home with respect, she isn't either. Bet she'd be a bit more selective about who she invites back and what she lets them fo if she is the one to clean up.