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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD have any more friends round for the rest of the holidays?

131 replies

MainFlamingo · 25/08/2017 16:41

DD (13) has been taking the piss pretty much all holiday, constantly bringing different friends round who don't respect other peoples' houses and make mess and are just generally uncouth.

Yesterday I went out and when I got home she had 7 friends round, and between them they'd moved all the sofas in the living room, put drinks on our brand new furniture with no coasters, spilt drinks over the sofa an d made a mess, and ordered a pizza which they'd eaten at the kitchen table and left it in a state with food smeared on the table and floor.

She's just let another friend round to 'use the toilet' who was on her period and said friend left blood all over the toilet seat, all over the floor and a used pad on the bathroom floor. I phoned DD and made her come back and clean it up herself, which caused a huge tantrum from her.

I'm just bloody sick of coming home and she's had another different friend round and whole place is dirty and a mess. I don't mind her having friends round that I know will behave and not trash the house but surely it's not part of parenting to just accept your home is going to get ruined?

AIBU to not let DD have any friends round for the rest of the holidays and then after that only let her have friends round that I know are well behaved kids?

OP posts:
weatherbomb · 25/08/2017 17:16

Wow! Just Wow. My kids & their friends would never be so disrespectful. I would be banning everything & everyone from the house for quite some time. That behaviour is disgusting Angry

NotSureIfiAmWell · 25/08/2017 17:16

Op. Sorry but you sound pathetic

LuLuuuuuuu · 25/08/2017 17:16

No you are certainly NOT BU

My mother would have gone batshit crazy .

What gets into groups of girls these days (boys too) .

NannyRed · 25/08/2017 17:17

She has a tantrum at 13? Jeez nip this in the bud. Tell her if she is going to act like a toddler you will treat her like a toddler, and that means no 'adult' privileges. No friends round without supervision for a bloody start, she really is taking the piss with you and if you're not careful you'll have a rod for your own back.

FluffyPineapple · 25/08/2017 17:17

YANBU. Who wants to clean up after other peoples mucky teenagers?

Tell her she is no longer allowed friends home, explain why and ignore tantrums.

toastandbutterandjam · 25/08/2017 17:21

My sister had a 13 year old friend who came to our house and did this. She'd eat and leave plates all over the floor, she stood on a plate with sauce on it and bloody wiped her sock on our carpet, she'd eat crisps and leave the packet on the floor, leave crumbs everywhere. When I came home, she left a plastic bag lying on the floor in middle of the room with crumbs everywhere. As she was going home (I dodn't know until then), I said 'You forgot your bag', so she went 'it's empty' so I told her she needs to put it in the bin then and clean my floor full of crumbs and flush my loo that she'd left dirty, wipe my loo seat AND pick the empty loo roll and used pad/tampon that was wrapped in tissue IN my bath and bring her plate to the kitchen.

When she left, she told my sister i'm rude because that's apparently not the way to treat guests. She never came back.

Get that sorted OP. I do feel for you though!

FanwankTheAbsurd · 25/08/2017 17:22

If she won't clean up then leave the mess in her bedroom. Remove anything nice, like make up, hair stuff, iPad etc. Change the wifi password. No more money. No lifts. Take her phone and house keys off her.

If she wants to behave like a baby then she can be treated like one.

You need to be strong here OP before you totally lose all control in your own home.

Turbinaria · 25/08/2017 17:26

Your dd is disrespecting you and your home and setting the example to her friends. If she can't be trusted to behave I'd sort out some "childcare" for her send her to your most boring relative for the rest of the summer

Leeds2 · 25/08/2017 17:26

If she wants to live in squalor in her bedroom, let her. Don't clean up after her.
As far as the rest of the house is concerned, if she or her friends make a mess, she/they clean it up. And let her tantrum. If she refuses to do it, and realistically I don't think yo can "make" her, withdraw privileges. Be that her phone, wi fi password, games console, lifts - whatever she values. Remove them until the job is done.
Get a new lock on your bike. If the bike is damaged, sell something of hers to pay for the repairs.
And yes, ban friends coming round for the rest of the holiday.
She sounds like she has a lot of lessons to learn, but don't carry on enabling her in this spoilt/indulgent behaviour.

DarthMaiden · 25/08/2017 17:30

As pp's have said you are "rewarding" her tantrums by allowing them to be effective in getting what she wants.

House rules chez Darth are no more than one friend round if myself and DH are not in.

House must be kept tidy and any mess cleared before the friend leaves.

Rules not obeyed? Ok well the wifi password gets changed and we won't tell you what it is for 24 hours. If you throw a strop it's 48 hours plus phones/iPads get confiscated, child is grounded and no friends round.

Any additional strops/rule breaking (such as sneaking out/friends round) in the punishment time frame add another 24 hours and the time starts againfrom the beginning of the initial punishment.

Tantrums and strops are met with feigned boredom. No shouting, just calm slightly disinterested comments such as "for someone so upset about not being able to use the internet or have friends round you are doing everything possible to ensure you achieve the opposite" and "go to your room, calm down and think about if you really want me to ground you and stop friends coming round. If you do, please feel free to resume screaming at me".

You need to make her realise that these screaming hissy fits will not result in her getting her way. Not just for your sanity now, but for the future - she won't get everything she wants by turning into a little madam...

MsHarry · 25/08/2017 17:33

Disgraceful. Where are you when this is all happening? I don't let my 13 year old have friends round when I'm not home.

expatinscotland · 25/08/2017 17:35

'If she wants to live in squalor in her bedroom, let her. Don't clean up after her.'

Why should the OP have to live in a home with one room being a fucking midden heap? Fuck that! I pay rent on this place, not my kids. I don't want a room trashed out, with insects or worse attracted by filth, property damage I'll have to pay for because they want to live like rats. They want to do that, they can when they're out paying rent themselves and see how much their LL likes it when it's inspection time and they get served notice.

Mine trashes her stuff, leaves it on the floor, it's mine! She has to earn it back. Because I want her to learn that in the real world, you can't go round trashing property and stuff unless you're rich enough to pay for it. Well, most people aren't.

Fruitcorner123 · 25/08/2017 17:36

YANBU. No more friends this holiday and next time she has a friend make it clear it is just one at a time. I would also be in the next time you decide shes allowed a.friend and make a point of laying down a few ground rules directed at your daughter but in front of the friend. It will probably embarrass her but will make her realise you are not going to take it anymore.

And dont.tidy her room for her. If she wont do it herself take away privileges and as a pp said things like hair straighteners, Ipod,tv.

Fruitcorner123 · 25/08/2017 17:40

Like the wifi password idea as long as they have a cap on mobile data and you won't end up paying if they buy more.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/08/2017 17:40

YADNBU I'd be incandescent.

What's her currency? What does she care about most? My dd is a few years younger but I always confiscate the thing or withdraw the privilege that hurts the most. For the sort of behaviour your dd is displaying, it would be automatically a week. One or two days if lesser offence. Tell her what behaviour is unacceptable and what the consequence is. Make some house rules Then start applying them. And of course as everyone else has mentioned, natural consequences so she lives in squalor.

MsHarry · 25/08/2017 17:41

My eldest DD(nearly 17) has some seriously messy friends. A couple slept over last week. They got up in the morning, left the bedding I had provided(they forgot their own duvets) on the living room floor. Left empty drinks bottles etc on tables. They didn't thank me for having them when they left and after they had gone DD told me one had spilt a whole glass of juice over the duvet. The friend didn't apologise to me or attempt to remove covers etc. I found loads of kitchen towel used to blot it, in the bedding. Pigs! It prompted a chat with DD about making sure her behaviour isn't like this at other people's houses. I do notice that when friends come over they take over the whole house!

massi71 · 25/08/2017 17:41

Good grief.

PARENT her. Stop being concerned if she has a tantrum! Let her scream and shout the place down. At the end of it lay down the law and walk away. Also tell her what the repercussions of this disgusting behaviour continuing will be. Don't engage in her drama. Just TELL her. It's not a negotiation.

Imagine the kind of adult she will become if you don't set correct boundaries and follow through with consequences.

Ttbb · 25/08/2017 17:42

Oh my god! That is horrible. I would consider moving her to a different school having witnessed that. Obviously those piglets children would not be welcome in my house.

Original poster
MainFlamingo · 25/08/2017 17:42

Yes MsHarry I totally know what you mean about friends taking over the whole house! When I was a child I'd just have one friend over and we'd hang out in my room. Now they seem to just wander from room to room, spilling crumbs and drink wherever they go and leaving stuff everywhere

OP posts:
didyoureally · 25/08/2017 17:43

Do you think this group behaves in a similar way if they go to the homes of the other friends? We had similar problems in the past (although not on this scale) and I felt that my DCs tended to set the tone that ours was a very relaxed, fun house. They were soon told to set a different tone and to show that they respected their home which their visiting friends did seem to copy.
I think you definitely need to reclaim your house!

Aeroflotgirl · 25/08/2017 17:43

YANBU at all, I started my period at 13 and would never have done such a thing. I always used to discreetly dispose of my sanitary pads in the bin and clean up after myself. Maby friend will now try and clean up after herself in the future.

expatinscotland · 25/08/2017 17:44

Those friends would not be welcome back in my home to spend the night, Ms.

kaitlinktm · 25/08/2017 17:46

Because she won't do it. She just has a tantrum if I ask her to do anything

Has a tantrum at 13?! Well why not? Obviously it works doesn't it? Yes, you need to stop her bringing her friends round for a few weeks and then gradually allow ones you think you can trust to behave like decent human beings. Any mess or illicit borrowing of your stuff, then back to square one - blanket ban on all friends.

I would even go so far as embarrassing her if necessary as she might think if they are walking in with her you won't like to say anything. "Sorry DD's friend, but DD knows that I am not allowing her to have friends in because of the mess and disrespect for my property they have shown. I am afraid you both will have to go out to socialise for now. We are going to try it again in .

YY to putting a sturdy lock on your bike or the garage itself or both - and maybe a lock on your bedroom (the daughter of a friend of mine once lent her mother's expensive makeup out to a friend who didn't return it).

Tantrums/refusal to clean up after herself or do basic reasonable chores = withdrawal of privileges (tech, money, hair straighteners, permission to do stuff etc - you know best what she values). Co-operation/doing homework/whatever you need her to do = return of same.

Try not to get angry - just remain calm and state what will happen if she doesn't co-operate - and then make it happen or by the time she is 16 she will be running riot.

You are in charge here - she should not be ruling the roost.

missmollyhadadolly · 25/08/2017 17:47

She has tantrums and yet you let have her friends round? Shock

DarthMaiden · 25/08/2017 17:47

I'm with Expat on the bedroom issue.

Yes it's their room, but it's in our home and that doesn't mean they get to live in squalor because they are too lazy to keep it reasonably tidy. I'm not paying for nice carpets/furnishings so they can trash them.

I'm not talking about showhouse standards, but I won't put up with dirty clothes on the floor, food/drinks being left to fester and beds left unmade.

Surfaces need to be clear enough to be dusted and carpets vacuumed. Only once did I have to reinforce this with DS when his room was a tip. He was asked to tidy up and couldn't be arsesd. He was told anything on the floor goes in a bin bag and taken away. You earn it back. Lesson learned and he hasn't done it again. Key is you make a threat and you have to follow through.

You don't like my rules? Well fine - you don't get the privileges I give you like pocket money, wifi, etc etc