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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my dad for help with DC school fees

139 replies

bluespottyshoes · 25/08/2017 13:47

Bracing myself for a roasting.

My DM and DF are divorced, DM is very bitter towards him due to the nature of the break-up (this is relevant). i have a good relationship with both parents, although it is wearing that DM is always badmouthing DF... much of which is to do with money.

DF has a LOT of money - i.e. several million. He has never been one to offer help, and i have never asked or expected him to help me. DH and I earn good salaries and haven't really needed it anyway.

We are now looking to move as we need a bigger house and considering our options/where to move so we can get more for our money etc. We should be able to afford a nice 4/5 bed house in a nice area in Surrey - but we won't be able to afford to send our dc to private school.

DM thinks this is a 'terrible shame' and has become somewhat obsessed by the fact that DF hasn't offered any help on this front. She thinks i should ask him if he would be willing to contribute.

I don't think i could bear to actually ask him and have no idea what he would say. It seems hugely cheeky too. The only thing that nags is that I think instead of them inheriting money later on, it would be lovely to be able to help them in their education.

wwyd?!

OP posts:

Pibplob · 25/08/2017 13:50

I wouldn't ask! If he wanted to help you he would offer!

Notreallyarsed · 25/08/2017 13:50

If you can't afford to send them to private school, they can't go to private school. My dad (mum died in June) is very wealthy (not millions but still) and although he and mum have been very generous with me and my brother, we've never asked, and I think if your dad hasn't offered, then I'd leave it at that.

PurpleWithRed · 25/08/2017 13:50

Don't become your bitter mum's mouthpiece. Ask him if you would anyway, but not because she pushes you into it.

HarrisHawk · 25/08/2017 13:50

Yanbu to ask. I would in your shoes.

As you say, makes more sense to use the money now if he's planning to leave it to you anyway.

Obviously you'll need to accept whatever his answer is in good grace though.

PinkHeart5911 · 25/08/2017 13:51

It's cheeky to ask.

Children do not have to attend private school, if you want them to go you need to be able to fund it

You also have the option of not living in a nice area of Surrey and making private education the priority instead.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 25/08/2017 13:54

Don't do it! As you say, it would be hugely cheeky. If he wanted to give you money he'd offer.

Luckymummy22 · 25/08/2017 13:54

You can mention it but you shouldn't ask.
Is it really imperative to send kids to private school?
If it is then buy a smaller house.

Snausage · 25/08/2017 13:54

Are you taking the pish?

Londonmumlivinginessex · 25/08/2017 13:54

rather than ask as such, can you engineer a conversation and see if he suggests it? Then if he doesn't offer, you wont feel embarrassed with having had to ask outright?

I understand you thinking about it and I know people whos parents contribute to school fee

I guess it depends on your relationship with him and how you think he will respond? It could be that its just never occurred to him

Not an easy one!

MatildaTheCat · 25/08/2017 13:54

If you have two DC of an early age are you asking him to fund their whole education? It could come in at around half a million pounds.

Does he have other gc? You would need to be extremely clear about what you were asking him for, a years' fees are no use if you can't continue. I might feel a tiny bit tempted to ask but if he hasn't offered then in all probability he doesn't want to.

Gorgosparta · 25/08/2017 13:54

There is no right or wrong answer.

I wouldnt take inhertance as part of the decision making. You have no idea if you or your kids will inherit anything. Anything could happen between now and then.

Honestly, my parents would offer to pay. If they could afford it.

My pil would not. They would expect us to cut our cloth, as it were. If we wanted ds to go private school, they would expect us to buy a smaller house or cheaper area or not send ds to private school.

I dont think either are wrong. Private school isnt a must. Its a luxury. Its going to be down to how your dad is in general, he thoyghts on private school etc.

No one on here can say if its a good idea or not.

DoublyTroubly · 25/08/2017 13:55

I honestly wouldn't want to feel indebted to him like that - what happens in the future if he can't/won't pay the fees anymore? You would have to pull the kids out of school!

Maybe seek his advice on the bigger house or private school question and see if that naturally leads anywhere...

Pigface1 · 25/08/2017 13:55

I expect that if you can afford a lovely house in Surrey, you will probably find that the local state schools are superb. Then you can use any extra money for music/sports lessons.

Moanyoldcow · 25/08/2017 13:56

You sound like you've chosen to live in a nice house and send your children to a stafe school. That's a perfectly valid choice and I don't understand why not sending your children to private school is a 'shame'. Private schooling is a choice and will cost something like £200,000 per child for 12 years.

Whether or not you dad is a millionaire is irrelevant. Asking someone for that kind of money for a non-essential is entirely unreasonable in my opinion. I wouldn't even take it if offered as you are beholden to him and if he withdraws funds you're stuck.

Original poster

bluespottyshoes · 25/08/2017 13:56

I agree Pinkheart - we could pay for it if we accepted living in a not-so-nice house in a not-so-nice area - but given the choice i'd rather give them those things and hope that they get into a good local state school.

Sending them private would be wonderful, but if we're not willing to make the sacrifice ourselves it seems a bit spoilt to ask him for the money.

That said, if it were me, i'm sure i would offer - but i'm not going to change who he is...

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 25/08/2017 13:56

You could drop a hint, as in I don't think I can afford to send the kids to private school, but only you know your father and your relarionship with him.

I couldn't, I saw my daughter as my responsibility and we purchased houses that also allowed us to pay for her education.

MatildaTheCat · 25/08/2017 13:57

You also sound in the fortunate position of buying in an area with excellent state schools. The fact that 'hes never been one to offer, does rather suggest that he's not planning to now, either.

SuburbanRhonda · 25/08/2017 13:57

So you are a two "good" salary family and can afford to buy a 4-5 bed house in a "nice" part of Surrey (so not much change from £1 million) and you're thinking of asking your father to pay your children's school fees?

I'm beyond shocked!

Etymology23 · 25/08/2017 13:57

Can't you prioritise living in an area with decent state schools? That way you're probably paying a premium for your house but not the hundreds of thousands that private school will cost over the years?

AlmostAJillSandwich · 25/08/2017 13:58

Why are you assuming he is going to leave any of his money to you or the DC's, or has he specifically told you he will be doing so?

IF, and only IF, he has told you he plans to leave his money to the DC's, would i consider having a discussion about private school. Not outright asking, but just a musing how its something you would have liked to be able to do. It gives him the option to either offer, or nod and move the chat elsewhere.

Gorgosparta · 25/08/2017 13:59

So you could afford it. But making a lifestyle choice that means you cant?

And as you say, sending him to private school is not wortg making a small sacrifice yourself?

I dont think you should ask.

Are there or likely to be other grandkids.

Why do you want to send him private? Why does your mum?

Sheitgeist · 25/08/2017 14:02

It's a bit cheeky frankly, but if you have a good enough relationship that it wouldn't be too cringeworthy to ask, and neither you nor your DF would be too embarrassed or awkwarded out by a refusal, then a gentle probing suggestion may be a way to test the waters.

Don't forget though, if your dad does contribute, he may expect to get a lot of power to make various decisions about your DCs education: schools, options etc. You can't expect him to just hand over money and shut up.

Also, can you be absolutely sure that you or your DC are going to inherit his money anyway? Perhaps he has a charity in mind or something.

PotteringAlong · 25/08/2017 14:02

Do you have siblings? Do they have children? How many school places are you expecting him to fund?

Your mum is winding you up to ask because she knows he will say no and she's trying to sour your relationship / make him out to be the bad guy. If she's that set on private education then she can pay for it.

Original poster

bluespottyshoes · 25/08/2017 14:03

Almost, yes he does talk about inheritance. E.g. which DC will get which of his vintage ferraris. It sounds horribly vulgar, writing it down.

i totally agree with posters saying our DC are our responsibility, this is why i have never asked him for anything or expected him to offer

i guess it's just the constant nagging of DM saying he has more money than he knows what to do with (which is true)

OP posts:

Original poster

bluespottyshoes · 25/08/2017 14:03

No i don't have siblings, i'm his only child and my DC are his only GC

OP posts:

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