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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my dad for help with DC school fees

139 replies

bluespottyshoes · 25/08/2017 13:47

Bracing myself for a roasting.

My DM and DF are divorced, DM is very bitter towards him due to the nature of the break-up (this is relevant). i have a good relationship with both parents, although it is wearing that DM is always badmouthing DF... much of which is to do with money.

DF has a LOT of money - i.e. several million. He has never been one to offer help, and i have never asked or expected him to help me. DH and I earn good salaries and haven't really needed it anyway.

We are now looking to move as we need a bigger house and considering our options/where to move so we can get more for our money etc. We should be able to afford a nice 4/5 bed house in a nice area in Surrey - but we won't be able to afford to send our dc to private school.

DM thinks this is a 'terrible shame' and has become somewhat obsessed by the fact that DF hasn't offered any help on this front. She thinks i should ask him if he would be willing to contribute.

I don't think i could bear to actually ask him and have no idea what he would say. It seems hugely cheeky too. The only thing that nags is that I think instead of them inheriting money later on, it would be lovely to be able to help them in their education.

wwyd?!

OP posts:

thegreylady · 26/08/2017 12:22

Ask him, he is your dad and will probably be happy to help. Work out what you can afford and ask if he feels able to top up. Ask him privately and if he says no just accept it and don't mention it again.

flowery · 26/08/2017 12:29

Don't ask. Surely if it was something he was prepared to do he would have already offered?

MrsColinJackson · 26/08/2017 12:32

Don't do it, your dad has to want to share his money he shouldn't be put in the position were he feels he has to, if you can't afford it they don't go. Simple.
If private education is that important, sacrifice the house for something more modest instead. Maybe you can't afford both but you are lucky enough to make the choice between the two, many of us can only dream of being able to afford either option.
Your dads money shouldn't ever come up at all, let him be concerned with that and use it the way he sees fit. Live with in your own means and count your blessings op.

mirialis · 26/08/2017 12:39

Gotta say, the local school would have to be truly dire for me to consider spending 5k a year on a junior education, let alone 20k!! What a waste of money, even if you have it to spare.

Peppapogstillonaloop · 26/08/2017 12:40

Really can't see the issue with asking. There is an obsession on here with doing everything yourselves, never expecting anything from anyone else.. your dad has mega bucks and could give your kids a leg up in life (obviously caveat that with the notion state school might be better but that's a debate for a different thread , what harm in asking? He can say no...

SuburbanRhonda · 26/08/2017 12:46

your dad has mega bucks and could give your kids a leg up in life

How do you know that? As a PP has said, it could be tied up in all sorts of ways.

Anyway, the OP hasn't returned so I doubt she'll be reading this.

peppersaunt · 26/08/2017 12:52

My dsis asked our late DF for help with tuition, which he generously gave. When our time came he offered it to us as well. In the interests of fairness he kept a list with his will so that siblings with no children weren't treated differently!

LakieLady · 26/08/2017 12:52

How can you prioritise buying a larger house over paying for school fees? By all means ask him but if he doesn't want to help you then you have a duty to your children to compromise on house size/location in order to provide them with a decent education.

It is possible to get a decent education in the state sector, you know. DSS got 4 good A-levels and a first at the LSE after a state education in Croydon, and almost all my friends' children got excellent results.

Otoh, one friend who had her kids educated privately has one of the most feckless, irresponsible, drug-using, petty criminal young adults and his brother got crap results and is driving a van for daddy's firm while he fantasises about becoming a professional golfer.

Some of the biggest shits I've ever known have been to some of the best schools.

dolcezza99 · 26/08/2017 13:02

I love how the prevailing opinion on here is always "jealousy". Far from it - I couldn't imagine anything worse than being so snobby and stuck up that you think what's good enough for everyone else isn't good enough for your family. And to think you're struggling if you haven't got 30K a year to throw away on school. Ridiculous! I can't bear people like that, sorry. I'd rather be poor, frankly.

AtomHeart · 26/08/2017 14:30

But she hasn't said that a state school is not good enough for her children and she hasn't said that she is struggling.

grandOlejukeofYork · 26/08/2017 14:59

I'd ask, in a heartbeat. No idea why you wouldn't to be honest.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 26/08/2017 15:07

But she hasn't said that a state school is not good enough for her children and she hasn't said that she is struggling.

^ this.

There is an assumption that private is always best. It isn't.

bevelino · 26/08/2017 15:14

OP if you have a good relationship with your DF, there is no reason why you shouldn't ask. He can either say yay or nay and whatever the outcome of your conversation you should be able to deal with it.

thegirlupnorth · 26/08/2017 16:01

I wouldn't specifically ask but I would mention in passing your thoughts on moving and private ed and see if he's forthcoming with any money or suggestions. Personally I'd go for private ed over type of house/area if I had the choice.

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