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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my dad for help with DC school fees

139 replies

bluespottyshoes · 25/08/2017 13:47

Bracing myself for a roasting.

My DM and DF are divorced, DM is very bitter towards him due to the nature of the break-up (this is relevant). i have a good relationship with both parents, although it is wearing that DM is always badmouthing DF... much of which is to do with money.

DF has a LOT of money - i.e. several million. He has never been one to offer help, and i have never asked or expected him to help me. DH and I earn good salaries and haven't really needed it anyway.

We are now looking to move as we need a bigger house and considering our options/where to move so we can get more for our money etc. We should be able to afford a nice 4/5 bed house in a nice area in Surrey - but we won't be able to afford to send our dc to private school.

DM thinks this is a 'terrible shame' and has become somewhat obsessed by the fact that DF hasn't offered any help on this front. She thinks i should ask him if he would be willing to contribute.

I don't think i could bear to actually ask him and have no idea what he would say. It seems hugely cheeky too. The only thing that nags is that I think instead of them inheriting money later on, it would be lovely to be able to help them in their education.

wwyd?!

OP posts:

OnionKnight · 25/08/2017 14:04

You want it, you pay for it.

Original poster

bluespottyshoes · 25/08/2017 14:05

Pottering, you're probably right about my DM's motives actually

OP posts:

Original poster

bluespottyshoes · 25/08/2017 14:07

Sheit - to be honest, i think i would feel embarrassed asking - especially if he said no. So tbh i think i'll just continue to tell DM to keep her beak out!

OP posts:

NotAgainYoda · 25/08/2017 14:08

"Sending them Private would be wonderful"

Oh pish

drinkingtea · 25/08/2017 14:08

If he says yes and pays for 2 or 3 years then changes his mind, you won't be able to take over paying, and your kids will have to switch from private to state, which can be very difficult (it'll put a target on their heads for starters).

For that reason don't ask. Move somewhere with a good state school.

Even if your dad has earmarked X amount to leave to your kids (and he may not have) you can't decide on your dad's behalf that his money is better given to you to pay school fees - both your dad and your children might prefer said children to inherit a lump sum as deposit for their first house. School fees are not necessarily the investment you seem to take for granted they will be.

Gorgosparta · 25/08/2017 14:10

No i don't have siblings, i'm his only child and my DC are his only GC

How many do you have?

What about the others?

Sounds like your mum is hoping she will cause a problen between you and your dad.

Bluntness100 · 25/08/2017 14:11

School fees are not necessarily the investment you seem to take for granted they will be

But they can be, depending on the kids.and I see the ops point in spending their inheritance now. It sounds like this is a drop in the ocean.

The thing about asking though is it can cause resentment, on both sides.

BitchQueen90 · 25/08/2017 14:12

Well, I don't think YABU to ask but only you will know what his reaction will be. Equally he wouldn't be unreasonable to refuse. His money, his choice.

zeeboo · 25/08/2017 14:12

It's not your money!! Buy a smaller house or move to a cheaper area if you must have a posh school.

ADishBestEatenCold · 25/08/2017 14:13

Does he have a wife or partner who would be likely to have a say in this?

If so, how well do you get on with that person?

What happens to your children if you don't ask? Is there a suitable state school?

FizzyGreenWater · 25/08/2017 14:14

Don't do this, not at all.

It will change the tone of your relationship with him (and perhaps even more so your DH) regardless of his answer.

If he says no it will be awful.

If he says yes you will be thrust into a very different relationship.

Your mum's interfering around the sidelines of this is another reason I'd think HELL NO don't go there.

You are in a very lucky position - it sounds as if the area your home will be in will be likely to have better schools than most anyway - rich catchments make for more supported schools - sad but true.

hyggybob · 25/08/2017 14:14

Gorgo I have 2 DC. What do you mean by 'what about the others'?

OverOn · 25/08/2017 14:15

If he does talk about inheritance, you could bring it up then. But if he does, you'd have to make sure it's for entire schooling or that you can afford it yourself if he ever stops paying.

I wouldn't want to feel beholden to someone or that I'd forced them into it, so not sure I would ask in your shoes.

BabsGanoush · 25/08/2017 14:16

Why can't your DM contact him and ask?

Gorgosparta · 25/08/2017 14:16

Name change fail?

Sorry i thought the first post said ds.

You are considering asking for him to pay for 2 kids to go private school?

That is rely taking the piss, when you are buying a 5 bed home in surrey.

Jellycatspyjamas · 25/08/2017 14:16

It sounds like your DM is shit stirring tbh. If you choose to prioritise a nice house over private education it's unreasonable to expect your DF to fill in the gap. You don't know how his, and your, lives might change between now and when you'd be due to inherit - he may need long term care and have nothing left, you just don't know but it's not your money unless and until he passes away. If your DM is so concerned about the standard of education your DC will receive in a state school in a nice part of Surrey, perhaps she would like to find private schooling.

EssentialHummus · 25/08/2017 14:16

Don't become your bitter mum's mouthpiece.

This. In your shoes, I'd try to objectively assess how the local schools are. Why are private schools such a high priority? What about state now, private later? How old are DC? How big is your current home? Can you extend? Can DC share? And so on. There are many ways to slice this.

Also, Hello Daily Mail!

Chilver · 25/08/2017 14:18

As someone living in a 'nice part of Surrey' (albeit in a small house because we can't afford to upsize in this area!!), I would say that the local schools are all outstanding and your children would derive many benefits from the area and its outstanding schools without needing to go private. Perhaps buy the house now and then consider private off your own bat for secondary?

FizzyGreenWater · 25/08/2017 14:18

Oh and to be honest, if he's a millionaire who enjoys thinking about how the DC will enjoy his 'bounty' from his will but has shown no inkling to put his hands in his pocket to help so far, and isn't aware or involved enough to perhaps be aware that things like schooling might be where help would be welcome, then to be honest I think he might well knock you back anyway. Private school is £££ and he doesn't sound like the type eager to hand over much of his clearly enjoyed wealth while he's alive to buy more Ferraris

Jaxhog · 25/08/2017 14:19

If you don't ask, how will he know that you need his help? The worst he'll say is no. Or yes, but with strings.

Cabininthewoods69 · 25/08/2017 14:19

I can understand where you are coming from but im affraid my opinion is you should work for what you have. So down size slightly and tighten belts where you can. Also what about a scholarship

Jaxhog · 25/08/2017 14:19

Or move somewhere with great schools.

AnnaT45 · 25/08/2017 14:20

It depends on your relationship? I would ask my dad or at least talk to him about his thoughts on it. A lot of grandparents pay school fees so I don't think it's unreasonable to ask.

I wouldn't do it because your mum wanted you to. Do it because you do. Why would you be embarrassed? He's your dad and it's not like you're asking for a private jet it's school fees.

Cabininthewoods69 · 25/08/2017 14:20

Or state school and extra private tutor as much as you could stretch to

Sheitgeist · 25/08/2017 14:21

Is there a precedent in your family though, Spotty? Do you attend private school? Did either of your parents? If so that may be a way to start a general discussion of the issue with your dad if you really think you want to do this.

My MIL has angry and horrified that DH dared to "break the chain" by us not going private for ours (DH went to boarding school; me, crap local comp) so she demanded that we allow her to pay, but only for DS, her favourite (we have 4 other, younger children, all girls... she was not subtle with her favouritism either), and also said she'd choose schools and make decisions about him. We told her to naff off.
They've all done well in our good, local schools.Yours will, too.

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