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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my dad for help with DC school fees

139 replies

bluespottyshoes · 25/08/2017 13:47

Bracing myself for a roasting.

My DM and DF are divorced, DM is very bitter towards him due to the nature of the break-up (this is relevant). i have a good relationship with both parents, although it is wearing that DM is always badmouthing DF... much of which is to do with money.

DF has a LOT of money - i.e. several million. He has never been one to offer help, and i have never asked or expected him to help me. DH and I earn good salaries and haven't really needed it anyway.

We are now looking to move as we need a bigger house and considering our options/where to move so we can get more for our money etc. We should be able to afford a nice 4/5 bed house in a nice area in Surrey - but we won't be able to afford to send our dc to private school.

DM thinks this is a 'terrible shame' and has become somewhat obsessed by the fact that DF hasn't offered any help on this front. She thinks i should ask him if he would be willing to contribute.

I don't think i could bear to actually ask him and have no idea what he would say. It seems hugely cheeky too. The only thing that nags is that I think instead of them inheriting money later on, it would be lovely to be able to help them in their education.

wwyd?!

OP posts:

drinkingtea · 25/08/2017 14:21

Bluntness a private education right the way through will cost upwards of £150,000 per child. Obviously depending on the school it could actually end up an awful lot more than that.

I went to a private school and most of my classmates are in very ordinary jobs - not minimum wage jobs generally but lots of nurses and teachers or people running very small businesses (as in sole traders and small family businesses).

I'm pretty sure a lot of us would swap the private education for £150k in a heartbeat. Given we mostly had middle class parents who valued education we'd probably have ended up in exactly the same jobs, just with a whacking great deposit / enough to buy our first homes outright.

DonutCone · 25/08/2017 14:21

I would never ever ask. He hasn't offered. So if he does agree there is not going to be the feeling that this is so,etching he wants to do. What happens of one DC hates the school, if they fail their exams. Are you ready for the 'look at all the money I've wasted' type conversations?

Also, if you push him into it what happens if 5 years from now he decides he really didn't want to do it and stops? How would you cope with the fees?

Sheitgeist · 25/08/2017 14:22

*Did

TroubleinDaFamily · 25/08/2017 14:23

The state schools in Surrey (certainly at the green end, the only bit I know anything about) are outstanding.
One of the most sought after schools in my part of Surrey has dropped in the league tables to 8th in the county.

Honestly, the schools are great.

Your mother is dripping in your ear as a means of annnoying your DF and she cares not a jot if you and your relationship with him are the collateral damage. TBQH.

Scholes34 · 25/08/2017 14:23

Sounds like it's your DM who's really bothered about this, so, regardless of her relationship with your DF, she's the one who should speak to him if she feels so strongly about it.

Have you even checked out your local state schools? Are they really that bad?

LagunaBubbles · 25/08/2017 14:23

Why have you name changed half way through your thread?

tinypop4 · 25/08/2017 14:23

I wouldn't ask. He would then have to put any other grandchildren through private school to if he was to be fair.
If you can afford a 4/5 bed house in leafy Surrey I'm quite sure you'll be in the catchment for good state schools.

AtomHeart · 25/08/2017 14:24

Sounds like he is rolling in it. Just ask - do it casually. Many children at private school are funded or part funded by their grandparents. My own included. I also live in a nice 4 bed house in an expensive area and in theory, I could afford to sell the house to enable me to pay all of the fees myself, but I don't fancy doing that. You should broach the subject by describing the schools you would like your child to go to and they say something like "if only I could afford it..." "How about little jack gets his vintage Ferrari now to fund his education...wink wink".

If you don't ask you don't get. Give it a go!

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 25/08/2017 14:25

I wouldn't. I have the opposite problem - my dad wanted me to send our dc private and offered to pay. I went to private school and hated it. I really didn't see that it was worth it, so, no, my dc are at the local state schools where they are happy and doing well!

Scholes34 · 25/08/2017 14:25

Gosh, Trouble, only 8th? I can see the OP's dilemma now.

AnnabelleLecter · 25/08/2017 14:25

Tell him you would like to give DC a private education and see what his response is.
Asking for money you don't need is not on but if he offers then you could take him up on it.
I wouldn't personally as I'd be worried if the funds suddenly dried up for whatever reason.

Gorgosparta · 25/08/2017 14:25

Sounds like he is rolling in it.

Tbf the op isnt bad off either.

In excess of 1 million for a house. And she is not willing to but a cheaper house to afford it herself.

Jaguarana · 25/08/2017 14:28

My parents are wealthy and could easily have afforded to pay school fees for my DC if they had wanted to. They didn't offer and I would never, ever, in a million years have asked them. I just couldn't & wouldn't, as a matter of pride as much as anything. DH & I have always stood on our own feet financially. We have a reasonably nice house, but our DC went to state schools and we were perfectly happy with that. I think you should cut your coat according to your cloth.

Original poster

bluespottyshoes · 25/08/2017 14:28

Sorry, sent last reply from my phone and didn't realise i was logged in under a different username.

Thanks for all the advice. i think i'm going to listen to my gut and leave it; i hadn't really considered that DM would actually be thrilled for him to say no, so this has put a different spin on it.

To those saying he would have to treat all GC fairly, i am an only child and my DC are his only GC.

OP posts:

Original poster

bluespottyshoes · 25/08/2017 14:31

Gorgo, ok i get the message, thanks! i am not really willing to sacrifice living in a nice house in a nice area (the latter we will need to do to be close to family) because although i went to private school and loved it, i think you can also get a great education from a good state school. It's my DM that keeps bringing it up.

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 25/08/2017 14:32

Two important questions: does he have a dw or dp? If so then he has to consider her and any gc she has. Secondly, did he acquire his wealth via hard graft or did he get a lot of privileges given to him? Many people in this camp feel that they deserve their wealth and don't believe in hand outs.

And even if he did agree, it would add fuel to you DM and her vitriol and would need to be properly agreed so that he didn't have control over their education and the choices you make as parents.

Lots of GP do help so it's not that U to ask but my gut feeling is that he's not going to help. He may well see you doing extremely well and think you have it all.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/08/2017 14:36

i guess it's just the constant nagging of DM saying he has more money than he knows what to do with

I'm sure it is. and that's why it's worth remembering that it won't be your DM who has to face the consequences of anything that's decided - except for stirring things further, perhaps?

The problem with gifts of money is that they so often come with strings - and once your DC was settled in a particular school, those strings could get very uncomfortable. And what might happen if your DF was to get married again? Wouldn't that create a whole new set of potential problems?

Since you're clearly comfortable anyway I'd do it myself and avoid problems right from the start

Original poster

bluespottyshoes · 25/08/2017 14:36

Sheit - thanks for sharing your experience! Don't get me started on favouritism - that's a whole other thread... Glad to hear your DC are doing well.

Scholes - we are only just starting to think about moving / looking at areas so will choose a house based on catchment area. It just seems a bit complicated as we'll be moving midway through the year from DD in reception so it might be hard to get her in if the schools are oversubscribed (which they mostly are from initial research) so may end up with a not-so-good one

OP posts:

Ttbb · 25/08/2017 14:37

How can you prioritise buying a larger house over paying for school fees? By all means ask him but if he doesn't want to help you then you have a duty to your children to compromise on house size/location in order to provide them with a decent education.

Ellisandra · 25/08/2017 14:37

I don't think you should, because it's all coming from your (shitstirring bitter) mother.

But if you wanted it... I'd feel sad if my daughter wouldn't ask me. I'd also feel sad if it affected our relationship in any way if I said no.

Don't assume he has "spare" money from his POV. He may like to have a massive chunk for his own feeling of comfort to weather him through illness, care homes... whatever.

I've got £50K in the bank. I wouldn't give my daughter £20K because even though that £50K is just nest egg, I'd feel exposed. And it's all relative - someone else might feel as secure as me but with just £5K - and maybe he only feels secure with £5M.

I really hope I have a close enough relationship with my child for her to just ask.

midnightmisssuki · 25/08/2017 14:39

Hi OP - in your position, i wouldn't ask. If you and your husband cannot afford to send your children off to private school, then the option is state school. I think its very rude to ask your dad to pay for their education because you mum keeps going on about it - it sounds like she's got to you and now you're buying into the whole 'we'll he's rich and therefore he should pay'.

If you really wanted to send your children to private school, then perhaps not such an expensive house/cutting down on other luxuries might make that possible?

Scholes34 · 25/08/2017 14:40

OP - it's not really about schools and fees, but more your DM's relationship with your DF and his money. Don't be drawn in!

Nuttynoo · 25/08/2017 14:41

He's your dad. If you want to ask then do it. But don't share the info to your mum.

Original poster

bluespottyshoes · 25/08/2017 14:42

Matilda, yes he has a lovely DW who i adore and who i'm sure would offer in a heartbeat. Perhaps she would talk him into it if she knew we wanted help. I would find that horribly cringeworthy though...

He is not a controlling person at all, and has actually always taken care not to be meddling etc so i'd have no concerns about that.

He had certain privileged e.g. coming from a professional family / going to grammar school but has made his money through hard graft.

OP posts:

Original poster

bluespottyshoes · 25/08/2017 14:43

Ttbb i've already posted on that. Do you not believe children can get a good education at a state school?

OP posts:

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