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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my dad for help with DC school fees

139 replies

bluespottyshoes · 25/08/2017 13:47

Bracing myself for a roasting.

My DM and DF are divorced, DM is very bitter towards him due to the nature of the break-up (this is relevant). i have a good relationship with both parents, although it is wearing that DM is always badmouthing DF... much of which is to do with money.

DF has a LOT of money - i.e. several million. He has never been one to offer help, and i have never asked or expected him to help me. DH and I earn good salaries and haven't really needed it anyway.

We are now looking to move as we need a bigger house and considering our options/where to move so we can get more for our money etc. We should be able to afford a nice 4/5 bed house in a nice area in Surrey - but we won't be able to afford to send our dc to private school.

DM thinks this is a 'terrible shame' and has become somewhat obsessed by the fact that DF hasn't offered any help on this front. She thinks i should ask him if he would be willing to contribute.

I don't think i could bear to actually ask him and have no idea what he would say. It seems hugely cheeky too. The only thing that nags is that I think instead of them inheriting money later on, it would be lovely to be able to help them in their education.

wwyd?!

OP posts:

mirialis · 25/08/2017 14:45

Personally, I would tell DM to keep her beak out but think about asking anyway (if I were that bothered about a private education, which, having experienced both state and private, I'm not). I would say (and would not ask unless I mean it) that I totally expected the answer to be no and that I'm well aware that I don't want to compromise on the family living situation to fund it so there's absolutely no reason anyone else should fund the fees and no hard feelings whatsoever if the answer is no. And if the answer is no, I wouldn't blame DM for putting the idea in your head in the first place, as you would have chosen to ask him.

SomehowSomewhere1 · 25/08/2017 14:45

I'd try the local state schools, especially as he's so young. If you're not happy with them after a year or so then when you approach your DF you have more reasons behind you. You never know, he might get a scholarship.

Glumglowworm · 25/08/2017 14:46

YABU

A 4 or 5 bedroom house in Surrey suggests you're pretty well off really, and it's not as if you're asking for money for something essential. If you can't afford to send your DC to private school then don't send them to private school. The vast majority of children don't go to private school.

You're making choices about what to spend your money on. You can't have everything you want (along with 99% of the population). That doesn't mean you can expect to decide how DF spends his money.

PretentiousMNUsername · 25/08/2017 14:46

I would move to the nice area and go state. Pay for extra tuition if needed. Your dc are young, your DF may offer at some point, it's not really crucial til secondary and I wouldn't put myself in the position of asking - you're making a good call not to.

SunshineAndSmile · 25/08/2017 14:56

We have been in a similar situation OP. FIL is very wealthy but although generous in some ways he was likely to say no this sort of request so we never asked.

I disagree with PPs regards inheritance. If someone is vastly wealthy it makes financial sense to pass some of their money on to family before they die. Lots of people do it and there is nothing wrong with this.

cluelessnewmum · 25/08/2017 14:57

I'll go against the general grain and say to ask, your dad may think you're doing better than you are or not realise how much school fees have gone up. Or maybe he's think it was an insult to your husband or something.

But think about what you're asking - eg could you pay half, therefore ask him to pay the other half? Or ask him a 'loan' where he pays the fees but you pay the equivalent of the fees into a savings account in your dc name to give him if he needs it in the future (which would also reduce inheritance tax).

He may not be willing to pay for all of it but may feel more comfortable with contributing.

These are just ideas and I don't know what would work for your family but I think it is a shame from your children's perspective not to ask. But ask in a way that makes it clear your bear him no ill will if he doesn't, and genuinely don't as it is his choice.

iMatter · 25/08/2017 15:02

Don't ask.

If you do and he agrees to pay then you'll always be reliant on him.

What if you fall out with him and he pulls the plug on the school fees.

If you can't pay for it yourselves then don't do it (my motto in life!)

pinkbraces · 25/08/2017 15:02

I would ask, I do t understand why you wouldn't

Rebecs · 25/08/2017 15:03

There's no harm in asking. remember that it's not just school fees - uniform, ski trips, other trips abroad, music lessons, extra sports etc will all add up. But if you could afford private school with a smaller house that probably won't be an issue. Just as a side I think it would be a challenge for your child to have to go from private into the state system (particularly once he got to secondary) if something changes and your dad is unwilling / unable to provide the fees. In the 80's recession my parents struggled to pay fees for my sisters and I but my grandad stepped forward for a couple of terms, as a gift, to ease the pressure. But I doubt he would have agreed to doing it longer term!

Dorsetwayoflife · 25/08/2017 15:03

I'd prioritise my DC's education over having 2 spare bedrooms sitting empty. But that's just me.

Private school is obviously not very important to you and there are good state options. In those circumstances I wouldn't ask.

Atenco · 25/08/2017 15:09

I'm glad you're making the right decision. Another aspect that I wanted to mention is that you may, sometime in the future, truly need your df's help, because nobody knows what the future will bring, so it is better not to use up his goodwill and savings on frivolous items.

Neutrogena · 25/08/2017 15:11

Ask him - he may say No, but may say Yes.
He may not realise you cannot afford it, and may be happy to pay.

Benedikte2 · 25/08/2017 15:20

OP your DF chose to send you to. Private school and if he put his mind to it may be very happy to fund your DDs private education. I would ask him very casually tell him you feel a bit cheeky but was wondering if--- but you won't be offended if he says no. You don't have to tell your DM that you've asked him if he declines to assist. If you really feel your DC could benefit then you owe it to them to risk asking.
Actually your father could save on tax/estate duty if he set up a trust fund to finance your DC's education -- preferably through university, too.
The fact that he hasn't to date offered to assist is neither here or there -- it may not have occurred to him or he may have thought it wasn't his business what education you chose for your DC

Nettletheelf · 25/08/2017 15:37

What greenfizzywater said. Just don't. You'll put your father, and yourself, into an excruciating, embarrassing position. I doubt that your dad is stupid: if he wanted to offer immediate financial help (whether for the impending house move, or school fees), he would have. He hasn't. Just leave it.

PretentiousMNUsername · 25/08/2017 15:53

I'm usually on the side of 'just ask, they can say no' but asking for money from parents is one area where things can get very sour, very fast. My dad has helped us a lot but he would be unimpressed if we asked about school fees, he likes to be the one to offer and for some reason he views schooling as one area he wouldn't help with.

Chinnychinnychinnychib · 25/08/2017 16:52

I'd ask him to loan me the money against my inheritance.

SuburbanRhonda · 25/08/2017 17:00

'I'd ask him to loan me the money against my inheritance

Two counts of entitlement in one! Way to go

Moanyoldcow · 25/08/2017 17:09

Kids can get a great education at state schools, especially in Surrey.

I expect at some point he'll ask 'why aren't they at private school?' and you can answer and then he will either go 'fair enough' or 'what a shame - here's £500k'.

SuburbanRhonda · 25/08/2017 17:12

If the OP's father asks why the children aren't at private school I hope the OP would say "because we wanted a big old fuck-you house instead".

CreamCheeseBrownies · 25/08/2017 17:13

Good call OP, be yourself and not your mother.

One day when they are older you could perhaps ask him for something much smaller and non-essential, like contributing to music lessons.

The idea of someone dripping "go on, ask him!" into your ear continually is not pleasant. Maybe it's somewhat understandable from your mum as she has been through a divorce with him and possibly financially dependent on him, but that doesn't make it good advice.

RainbowPastel · 25/08/2017 17:15

If you want your DC to go to private school pay for it yourself.

SunshineAndSmile · 25/08/2017 17:18

You are his only child and these are his only DGCs so it stands to reason that he might well be willing to help. Whether you ask largely depends on your relationship as only you know your DF well enough to know how he might feel about you asking.

I don't know why PPs assume that all financial gifts from parents come with strings and that he would have some sort of hold over you. Many parents help their DC, lots more than you think purely because they want to see them enjoy it and also as it makes financial sense. I deal with this a lot through my work and while it's not pleasant, it is very important and practical to have a discussion about wills, powers of attorney and your Dads wishes when he is older or gets ill. Failure to have these conversations can lead to a lot of stress later on. The more open people are the easier things are for all concerned. Although strangely on MN the majority seem
to think one must never ever speak of inheritance or wills

2014newme · 25/08/2017 17:19

Before you ask you need to work out what you are asking for and the annual cost. So for age 4 or from age 7,11,13 or uni fees etc.
I imagine it will be about £250k minimum

Outlookmainlyfair · 25/08/2017 17:23

I can't see a problem with asking, loads of grandparents contribute to their grand child's education.

FireBreathingUnicorn · 25/08/2017 17:23

So it's just you,your husband and one child?
You want a 4/5 bedroom house and your dad to pay for his private school?

Haha!

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