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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my dad for help with DC school fees

139 replies

bluespottyshoes · 25/08/2017 13:47

Bracing myself for a roasting.

My DM and DF are divorced, DM is very bitter towards him due to the nature of the break-up (this is relevant). i have a good relationship with both parents, although it is wearing that DM is always badmouthing DF... much of which is to do with money.

DF has a LOT of money - i.e. several million. He has never been one to offer help, and i have never asked or expected him to help me. DH and I earn good salaries and haven't really needed it anyway.

We are now looking to move as we need a bigger house and considering our options/where to move so we can get more for our money etc. We should be able to afford a nice 4/5 bed house in a nice area in Surrey - but we won't be able to afford to send our dc to private school.

DM thinks this is a 'terrible shame' and has become somewhat obsessed by the fact that DF hasn't offered any help on this front. She thinks i should ask him if he would be willing to contribute.

I don't think i could bear to actually ask him and have no idea what he would say. It seems hugely cheeky too. The only thing that nags is that I think instead of them inheriting money later on, it would be lovely to be able to help them in their education.

wwyd?!

OP posts:
Lanaorana2 · 25/08/2017 17:34

I'd ask, but I suspect you may not get. If he hasn't helped before it's doubtful he'll start.

The sort of person who who goes on about what their family will get in their will while producing 0 now isn't usually a good bet. For all her bitterness, DM seems to have DF about right, sadly - he sounds mean.

Original poster
bluespottyshoes · 25/08/2017 18:01

No fire, we have 2 DC and a need for at least 4 beds that I won't go into because it's not relevant.

OP posts:
LuLuuuuuuu · 25/08/2017 18:39

Seems you want it all OP

Leeds2 · 25/08/2017 19:03

Personally, I wouldn't ask. If your DF wanted to pay, he would 've offered to do so. I am also wary because I know a few people whose parents have paid the fees, and expect to be consulted on every decision about the grandchildren's education. Despite saying beforehand that this would not happen ........
I think you have to decide which is more important to you; a bigger house in a nicer area, or a smaller house in a less nice area from where you could afford to fund private education for your children yourself.

AtomHeart · 25/08/2017 20:05

Just ask. My kids are at a private school and it is really common for grandparents to help. People saying that "you want it all" are probably just envious. Gosh, if you can have it all, go for it! I wouldn't hesitate to ask if my parents had millions and I were an only child.

You are in a position that most people can only dream of, but what's wrong with that. Go for it.

SuburbanRhonda · 25/08/2017 21:07

People saying that "you want it all" are probably just envious.

It took five pages for that old chestnut to come out - not bad.

I definitely wouldn't envy someone who had to go cap in hand to their parents because their poor lifestyle choices meant they couldn't afford to pay for it themselves.

AtomHeart · 25/08/2017 21:35

She hasn't made any poor lifestyle choices though. A private education for her children would be an added bonus to what she already has.

dietcokeandwine · 25/08/2017 21:56

The thing is though that even if your father was keen to help you with private school fees for your DC, there's no guaranteee they'd actually pass the entrance exams to get into said private schools.

There's no guarantee that a particular private school would actually suit your DC.

Private is not automatically better than state.

I'm in a nice part of Surrey and yes, there loads of private schools round here BUT the Surrey private schools, whilst not quite as hothouse-like as the London ones, are almost exclusively academically selective. Some gently so, some extremely so. I know of several families keen to send their DC private from 7 or 11+ but can't because the DC didn't pass any of the entrance assessments for the schools they'd like. I know of other private schools in the area where children are routinely asked to leave at the end of Y2 or Y6 because they are not cutting it academically.

It is not all about the money. You have to weigh up whether you'd actually see private school as a sensible option for your DC in the first place.

LoyaltyAndLobster · 25/08/2017 22:19

YANBU - DS is at a private prep school and if me and DP weren't able to fund it ourselves my dad would be the first person I'd ask.

Like dietcokeandwine has said some private schools are no different to state schools, but it all depends on where you live as the top prep schools are within the SW postcode.

SuburbanRhonda · 25/08/2017 22:23

She hasn't made any poor lifestyle choices though.

Moving to a very expensive part of the country and buying a huge and expensive house, therefore not being able to afford private school fees? No poor lifestyle choices there, not at all.

Bluntness100 · 25/08/2017 22:26

I definitely wouldn't envy someone who had to go cap in hand to their parents because their poor lifestyle choices meant they couldn't afford to pay for it themselves

I'd also agree she hasn't made any poor lifestyle choices. I think it's a bit off to say she has. She doesn't think the benefit of private is worth the downgrade in house. That's not a poor lifestyle choice it's a personal decision. Now she's thinking maybe she can have both.

Viviennemary · 25/08/2017 22:27

I was going to say no. But if he's got several millions ask him. He probably won't even notice the money if he's got loads.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 25/08/2017 22:29

People saying that "you want it all" are probably just envious

Wondered how long it would be before that little gem was trotted out.

No not jealous or envious.

HTH

LoyaltyAndLobster · 25/08/2017 22:35

People saying that "you want it all" are probably just envious

^ I agree with this as there are plenty of people on this site who are struggling to make ends meet.

SuburbanRhonda · 25/08/2017 22:43

But what is there to be envious of?

You say people are struggling to make ends meet - but so is the OP. She can't afford private school because they've bought a million pound house.

LoyaltyAndLobster · 25/08/2017 22:59

OP is not struggling...

grecian100 · 25/08/2017 23:23

I feel like I'm in a parallel universe reading some of these posts. People saying they would have no issue asking their DPs to fork out £200k for something that isn't even remotely a necessity is utterly mind boggling.

GetOutOfMYGarden · 25/08/2017 23:34

It's up to your DP to offer. If he asks about your DC's schooling and says no to them going to state school because he'll pay for private, then fair enough. There are benefits to him of doing that.

Going asking him isn't the way forward. Not only because his assets may not be as liquid as you think (is that several million his house, his vintage ferraris, his hedge fund? Or is it cash in the bank?).

LovingLola · 26/08/2017 00:09

What does your husband think? Is he happy to go along with this?

AtomHeart · 26/08/2017 12:10

People do have "parallel universe" lives. I have kids in both an inner-city state comp and a posh private school. I afford the private by working my ass off, contributions from my parents and a bursary. The extremes in their friends' poverty/affluence are astonishing. However, I don't look down at anyone for being rich or poor and I think that if you come from a wealthy family, there should be no shame in benefiting from that wealth. Some people are just luckier than others in respect of finances.

dolcezza99 · 26/08/2017 12:16

God, are your diamond shoes too tight as well? You can afford a 5 bedroomed house in a nice part of Surrey. Be thankful that you're so fortunate and send them to normal school like everyone else.

dolcezza99 · 26/08/2017 12:18

You say people are struggling to make ends meet - but so is the OP. She can't afford private school because they've bought a million pound house.

Excuse me while I get out the world's tiniest violin. Jesus.

Gorgosparta · 26/08/2017 12:19

Ffs, jealousy? Really?

You have no idea what people earn or their lifestyle or choices. Even if people werent in the position Op is in, it doesnt mean that its jealousy.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 26/08/2017 12:21

I would ask. Would he have asked his parents?? What have you got to loose. This way he gets to see the impact of his inheritance.

5rivers7hills · 26/08/2017 12:22

You say people are struggling to make ends meet - but so is the OP. She can't afford private school because they've bought a million pound house

She's not struggling!

She just hasn't got £20k/year in spare after tax cash to throw on junior school education, rising to £30k (or more) a year for 2 children in scenior school.

That's a LOT of money. Not having it doesn't mean you're struggling!!!