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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm lieing to DP to go out Saturday night.

164 replies

Namechangeforthisshame1 · 24/08/2017 17:29

So in a nutshell DP does not like me going out I don't need telling this is controlling because I know and have chosen to stay with him. Anyway I'm going Saturday evening with two of my friends who I haven't seen in months!
I'm really really looking forward to this I can only have one drink as il be driving so will be a light night but I have told DP I'm going to meet family for a meal on my own. I'm feeling bad about it but this is the lengths I have to go to to just socialise. He's never liked me going out he's a bit older than me and doesn't go out himself to be social. But I still like to. :( I feel bad about lieing but I know he will be a pain if I tell the truth. He will sulk etc.
Does anyone lie to get a little free time or am I the only loser here
I don't new posters yelling at me to leave him as I'm happy in my relationship I just have to lie a few times a year to go out. AIBU

OP posts:
ShitOrBust · 25/08/2017 10:27

oh well - work away, if you think this is an acceptable way to live.

cheers though for doing the general heterosexual female population by taking this fuckin' loser off the market so that he doesn't ruin some other poor victim's life.
by keeping him out of general circulation, it does mean the rest of us don't have to be lumped with him, so that's good news for us. always a silver lining and that...........

missiondecision · 25/08/2017 10:59

Sugar pie----Love doesn't take prisoners is a really good easy line to remember. I shall use that, thanks.
Tell him op. Either before you go or when you return. And why you felt lying was necessary.

He is treating you like a pet. He has a retractable lead on you and you only go where he lets you. What a waste of your life.

HerOtherHalf · 25/08/2017 11:12

The problem with telling lies about anything is they can be found out. You might think you have everything covered but you can never be 100% sure. So, what do you think might happen if he does find out after the fact? He's going to punish you. He's going to use it as justification to tighten his abusive controlling behaviour even further. It's going to get worse for you, much worse.

I know you are not ready to accept the reality of your situation right now but at some point you are going to have to make the hard choice between leaving him or resigning yourself to a lifetime of soul-destroying abuse.

HerOtherHalf · 25/08/2017 11:16

cheers though for doing the general heterosexual female population by taking this fuckin' loser off the market so that he doesn't ruin some other poor victim's life.

How incredibly harsh, insensitive and ignorant. You might do the general female population a favour yourself and read up on the impact of domestic abuse and controlling behaviour on victims' confidence and self-esteem before you rush so quickly to cast judgement in future.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 25/08/2017 11:43

@ShitOrBust, you talk shit, and you've been busted !
Jog on. 😡

Mittens1969 · 25/08/2017 11:59

Yes it is harsh, it's so hard to see what's going on when in an abusive relationship. When my DSis's first broke up at first she wouldn't let us say one word against him, she was constantly blaming herself. Now that she's over him and happy she knows exactly what he was.

Bluntness100 · 25/08/2017 12:08

How incredibly harsh, insensitive and ignorant

To be fair though to that poster, there really isn't much point in soft soaping it for this op. She knows the issues, she's posted before, now she's looking to see if anyone else is living as she is. Strength in numbers etc. There will be others, plenty of them. But just because you're not the only one being abused, doesn't make it any better.

There isn't any point in dressing it up. The op sadly has had all the well meaning advice mumsnet has to offer already.

Skarossinkplunger · 25/08/2017 12:11

You are a victim of coercive control, which is now an offence in it's own right. You've got used to acting a certain way so you don't suffer reprocussions and each time you change your behaviour to meet his expect another part of the person you were dies. It's likely that you're suffering from trauma bonding (what we used to call Stockholm Syndrome).

You clearly have very low self esteem and I'd put money on the fact that your parents had the same sort of relationship.

No-one else is going to be able to convince you to leave or get help, it's a decision that you need to make all on your own. But for the love of god don't have children with this man.

HerOtherHalf · 25/08/2017 13:39

To be fair though to that poster, there really isn't much point in soft soaping it for this op.

I understand people can get frustrated when an individual refuses to see the reality of their situation. However, there are two scenarios where (IMHO) victim blaming is absolutely never appropriate or acceptable - rape and any form of abuse.

She may not be able to accept that she is being controlled and abused right now. She may not currently have the emotional strength to consider getting out. I hope one day that might change for her. Wouldn't it be better if, when that day comes, she sees MN as the source of excellent help and support it can be and not somewhere that is going to judge her and flame her?

Idrinkandiknowstuff · 25/08/2017 13:46

If you think the way he acts when you want to go out now is bad, wait till he finds out you've lied to do it, and believe me he will find out.

midnightmisssuki · 25/08/2017 14:25

Hi OP - I'm not sure what you want the other posters to say to you - what do you think you are being unreasonable about? You already know he is controlling and are fine with this - you have admitted you have to lie to go out and you're happy doing this - not sure what the AIBU is about?

Of course people are going to say this isn't right, that you should leave such a controlling relationship, that its only going to get worse - but you don't want to hear that, so I'm not sure what you want to hear?

I feel sorry your in such a relationship OP - but you seem happy it in. Is it right to lie so you can go out - of course not. It shouldn't be like that ever. Unless you want to change it and speak to him, let him know that it isn't right, I'm not sure what else anyone can say, sorry OP. Good luck.

AnyFucker · 25/08/2017 14:33

I agree with bluntness

Op is beyond the help of a website like this

Rehashing the same question looking for a different answer is just prolonging the agony.

Op...you need to seek profrssional help because it seems you are unable to accept you are in an abusive relationship and no number of internet sprites telling you so is registering

I also think it is positively counterproductive for her to hear of others who are or have been in her situation. In her current mindset that just validates her as not the only one so it can't be that bad can it ?

Not helpful all round

TheNaze73 · 25/08/2017 14:41

Sorry if this sounds harsh but, I don't know who I see as worse. Him for controlling you or you for being in complete denial about it. His behaviour is not acceptable. He's a cock. Wake up to it.
You should be out with your friends once a week/month, whatever suits YOU. This lowlife is grinding you down

riceuten · 25/08/2017 17:22

She's not visited here since yesterday evening at 7pm. She didn't get the back up she wanted. This happened with the previous thread. She also disappeared when we all didn't express our sympathy with her specific perspective.

I do feel genuinely sorry for people like her in an obviously abusive and controlling relationship, but, as the story goes, she needs to make the first move, and right now, she doesn't seem ready for it. I do wonder how many other women live in such abysmal situations.

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