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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm lieing to DP to go out Saturday night.

164 replies

Namechangeforthisshame1 · 24/08/2017 17:29

So in a nutshell DP does not like me going out I don't need telling this is controlling because I know and have chosen to stay with him. Anyway I'm going Saturday evening with two of my friends who I haven't seen in months!
I'm really really looking forward to this I can only have one drink as il be driving so will be a light night but I have told DP I'm going to meet family for a meal on my own. I'm feeling bad about it but this is the lengths I have to go to to just socialise. He's never liked me going out he's a bit older than me and doesn't go out himself to be social. But I still like to. :( I feel bad about lieing but I know he will be a pain if I tell the truth. He will sulk etc.
Does anyone lie to get a little free time or am I the only loser here
I don't new posters yelling at me to leave him as I'm happy in my relationship I just have to lie a few times a year to go out. AIBU

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 24/08/2017 18:49

OP, why did you post? If you're adamant you won't leave him (which is by far the most sensible idea), you need to tell him you're a grown woman who is going out to meet friends and that's that. His petulance, bullying and sulking is pathetic, there is absolutely no legitimate reason that you shouldn't be going and and he fucking knows it.

LostSight · 24/08/2017 18:52

I did, a long time ago when I was much younger. I didn't feel good about lying. Every time I did it, it chipped away another little piece of my self-respect.

I ended up being so frustrated that we would argue all the time, because he wasn't allowing me to be the person I wanted to be.

He gradually ground me down, so I was allowed to see fewer and fewer people.

Then eventually, when I had no friends left, one day, after yet another row, he left me because he 'couldn't trust me'.

At no stage had I even looked at another man. I had lied to him and been found out though.

I realise he will sulk, but in your position, I would not lie. I would go and tell him the truth and point out he was being unreasonable. I would not be with a man who wanted me to be someone I wasn't.

He is showing you he doesn't actually love the real you. When he realises who you really are, he might leave you and you will blame yourself because when he tells you he can't trust you, you will have no defence.

viques · 24/08/2017 18:53

OP, there are things I would like to change about my past life choices , but one hing I am thankful for is that I have never had, and don't have a man child controlling me, restricting me and infantilising me. In the UK in the 21st century no woman should be in such an
unequal relationship. I am so sorry for you. Take care.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 24/08/2017 18:54

If you can take your head out of the sand and see the bigger picture, I think you'll realise that it's not just you "going out" that your partner is controlling.

The control will seep into all areas; your finances, your relationships with any friends or family, the way you behave around him. Slowly but surely you will become isolated and lose your self respect.

I find it very sad that you don't believe that you deserve better.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 24/08/2017 18:56

So I take it, you can't have friends around your home either ?
OP, you are kidding yourself, your thread is a sad read. ☹️
You are worth so very much more, you really are.

Original poster
Namechangeforthisshame1 · 24/08/2017 18:59

I think I wanted to know if anyone else has to do this as it's a lonely place sometimes and i can't about it to anyone
Sorry for posting but thanks for replies

OP posts:
TalkinBoutNuthin · 24/08/2017 19:01

You should tell him. If you feel bad enough to be posting here, you're going to keep feeling bad.

When (not if) he sulks, just say 'If you're going to sulk, I'm heading out', and go out again. So that instead of getting the desired result of you staying home, his sulking gets the opposite, which is you going out even more.

You will likely end up with a few boring nights and some annoyed friends as you try to find things to do, but if you really want to stay (and I can't honestly see why you are) then you're going to have to do something about this.

Penhacked · 24/08/2017 19:04

I don't have to do this. It isn't the norm. I also would definitely tell the truth and let him whinge, and not feel even slightly bad about going for a single drink with my friends. If he says he prefers just you two etc you just say so do you but not to the exclusion and loss of all friends. If he says you can't afford it, tell him it is a tiny investment in friendship. And then just bloody go, nothing to feel bad about. I would definitely just tell him in the day or even the afternoon though so he can't whine on about it. But you must go once you tell him, absolutely even if you feel like crap. And you need to decide ahead what time is a normal time to come back, not your guilt time, and stick to it even if you feel shitty. Because the guilt is totally misplaced.

AlternativeTentacle · 24/08/2017 19:05

Of course it is lonely, that is the plan. It means you only have him to rely on.
Do you live together? Do you have a job?

Lweji · 24/08/2017 19:05

If you threatened to leave, would it be a credible threat or are you stuck?

Anecdoche · 24/08/2017 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 24/08/2017 19:06

I'm sure there are other women in your position, feeling exactly the same. Mumsnet is brilliant for offering support, advice and a listening ear for anyone feeling lonely or "trapped" in a difficult relationship, if you ever want to talk it through. Don't feel ashamed for finding yourself in this situation.

Sometimes it's hard to get a clear perspective on your life or lose sight of what a healthy relationship looks like.
Perhaps you can talk to your friends about this? I hope you enjoy your evening away.

Fairenuff · 24/08/2017 19:08

You are clearly not happy in your relationship Confused

But to answer your question, no I don't have to lie to my dh to go out.

Bluntness100 · 24/08/2017 19:09

Doesn't your friend though know op, she doesn't like him? If you're the same person who posted before saying he wouldn't allow you out.

No it's not normal to have to do this, but you know that because you asked before...

Peanutbutterrules · 24/08/2017 19:10

Let him sulk and don't feel bad!

ohtheholidays · 24/08/2017 19:10

I had to do exactly the same thing any time I wanted to go anywhere.

It was exhausting,I'd enjoy my time out but I'd still be worrying incase anyone who knew us ever spotted me incase they'd say anything infront of him.

I don't think unless you've lived through it that you can completely understand it.

The final straw for me was when he went to attack me whilst he had our 2DS aged 4 and 2 on his lap because I asked him if he'd like a cup of tea,that was the push I needed and I made him leave and I divorced him,the divorce took a good few years to sort because he tried to use holding of the divorce as a way to control me still.

My marriage now couldn't be more different.

BenLui · 24/08/2017 19:10

Namechange sweetheart, you are posting because you hoped we would say that this is OK.

But we can't, because it isn't.

Sad
BottleBeach · 24/08/2017 19:13

I'm so sorry you feel you have to live this way OP. I'm not surprised you feel lonely.

Whinesalot · 24/08/2017 19:15

Obviously you let him get away with making all the decisions but that's ok because you "don't really mind". But the problems are going to occur when, like in this instance, you "do really mind".

This isn't going to end well op. Maybe it's livable with now but in 5, 10, 20 years?

TheDowagerCuntess · 24/08/2017 19:15

There are lots of lovely, well-adjusted men out there who don't mind their partners going out, who actively encourage it, and who are good fun to go out with themselves.

If you left your dud specimen, you can have one of these types ^^ for yourself.

Bluntness100 · 24/08/2017 19:17

Let him sulk and don't feel bad!

I think there is more to it than sulking, I'm trying to remember but I think she thinks he will leave her if she goes out. It's that level of abuse.

Gabilan · 24/08/2017 19:19

I don't need telling this is controlling because I know and have chosen to stay with him
I don't need posters yelling at me to leave him as I'm happy in my relationship I just have to lie a few times a year to go out

OK, I won't yell at you. I'll just leave those statements together. You know he's controlling but you're happy. You lie to go out and you're lonely.

You do sound forlorn, lonely and lacking in confidence. You're apologetic when you don't need to be. Please take care of yourself and realise that there is a way to win. I'll whisper it - you can leave him if you want to.

NorksAkimbo72 · 24/08/2017 19:22

OP, I have a close friend in the same position as you. She regularly returns to a man who will not even abide her texting her friends if they're together, let alone go out anywhere with friends. If she makes plans with friends, he sulks and moans and usually causes some kind of scene. They've been on/off for 5ish years, and she would rather put up with this abuse than feel like she's alone. She has lovely DCs, and a good relationship with her xdh (who she isn't allowed to have contact with when boyfriend is in the picture). It's horrible, OP...and not normal. But surely you know that...

Gabilan · 24/08/2017 19:22

If you left your dud specimen, you can have one of these types ^^ for yourself

Or, if there aren't any available, you can spend some time on your own. It's infinitely preferable to being with a controlling wanker.

thatdearoctopus · 24/08/2017 19:29

Why can't we go together. Because it's a girls' evening.
We should save the money. Why? We don't need to and I can afford it, and it won't cost much anyway.
Too old to go out. No, I'm not.
Rather be home just us. We do that every other night. This is one evening. Get over it.