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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm lieing to DP to go out Saturday night.

164 replies

Namechangeforthisshame1 · 24/08/2017 17:29

So in a nutshell DP does not like me going out I don't need telling this is controlling because I know and have chosen to stay with him. Anyway I'm going Saturday evening with two of my friends who I haven't seen in months!
I'm really really looking forward to this I can only have one drink as il be driving so will be a light night but I have told DP I'm going to meet family for a meal on my own. I'm feeling bad about it but this is the lengths I have to go to to just socialise. He's never liked me going out he's a bit older than me and doesn't go out himself to be social. But I still like to. :( I feel bad about lieing but I know he will be a pain if I tell the truth. He will sulk etc.
Does anyone lie to get a little free time or am I the only loser here
I don't new posters yelling at me to leave him as I'm happy in my relationship I just have to lie a few times a year to go out. AIBU

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 24/08/2017 17:58

"stand up for yourself can't believe it 2017 and I am reading this ! please"

It really isn't all that easy, if you are scared of someone.

PacificDogwod · 24/08/2017 17:58

You want to go out.

You want to avoid his sulking by not telling him.

You feel bad about lying.

All of these are active choices you are making.
IMO, 1 and 3 are what normal healthy people do/feel, 2 is dangerous avoidance behaviour.

It IS however your choice and you are entitled to make it.

I hope you have a lovely evening out Thanks

OuchLegoHurts · 24/08/2017 17:59

Why are you posting???

Slimthistime · 24/08/2017 17:59

one of my friends went down this road
he's only got to follow you, it's not hard. If you have to lie to avoid a row, he's the type who will follow you as well.

there's no reason why you can't life a life that's actually lovely. But you have to leave him in order to get that.

Motoko · 24/08/2017 18:01

Why have you posted this thread?

You know it's wrong to have to lie, you know he's controlling, but you won't tell him the truth because he'll sulk (really? Is that all? Because surely you can just ignore him sulking.) and you won't end the relationship.
And you tell posters not to tell you to ltb.

So exactly what was the point in posting this thread?

FallingOrbit · 24/08/2017 18:02

You've made it clear you;re going to stay with him anyway. So look forward to living a lie. If you have to invent family meals etc just so you can grab a night out with your friends then he's a twat.

Feel free to tell him I said he's a twat, not that you'll do that because you're a doormat.

While I'm thinking about it perhaps you could drive over here and wash my work clothes for me? Also a bit of dinner on the table would be nice. And don't you DARE be late home or I'll give you verbal abuse.

See what I mean? I'm not being an arse to you, I'm a bloke and I'd NEVER stop my partner from going out.

But you're staying with the tool anyway. Have fun explaining when he finds out.

WombOfOnesOwn · 24/08/2017 18:04

So how about when he finds out you're lying?

How about when he calls your family members to check up on you, and you're not there?

Will you return to a happy home? Or will he rage and assume you've been sleeping with someone else?

Starlighter · 24/08/2017 18:04

What a way to live... OP, this isn't normal! Surely you don't want to spend the rest of your life living this way??

Tell him! Let him sulk. Tell him you will go out more if he sulks, just to avoid him. He's being ridiculous.

MarmaladeIsMyJam · 24/08/2017 18:05

Do you really want to live your life like this? A grown woman sneaking around because her husband is an abusive aresehole?

Why can't you leave him?

quickname · 24/08/2017 18:05

exactly what motoko said..and probably everyone else.

makes me shudder to think of the example you 2 are giving your kids - controlling people like this is wrong and abnormal

FUNM · 24/08/2017 18:05

The only sound MN advice is....................LTB. Don't waste your youth on a miserable old git. Hope you meet some hot young sexy guy on your night out who will sweep you off your feet :)

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 24/08/2017 18:07

You've chosen to stay with an abusive man. These are the consequences.

MN can't help you until you're willing to help yourself.

Ceto · 24/08/2017 18:08

You need to make a firm decision not to let his sulking get to you.

Why can't we go together - Yes, why can't we, let's go out on Friday to X restaurant.

We should save the money - No, normal people use their money to go out sometimes and have a bit of downtime. And one evening out is hardly going to break the bank.

Too old to go out - You may be, I'm not.

Rather be home just us - We're home just us most of the time, we're entitled to the occasional break.

And, most of all: For goodness sake, grow up, sulking is incredibly childish. You make me want to go out all the more.

Regularsizedrudy · 24/08/2017 18:09

Have you posted about this before? It sounds familiar. I don't underestimate how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship and you clearly don't feel strong enough to yet, so I'm not going to judge you. Go out and have a good time and please don't feel and about lying. You deserve to go out without guilt.

RhubardGin · 24/08/2017 18:10

And the point in your post was?

Lying to your DH about going out is ridiculous. He sounds more like your Dad than your partner.

No it's not normal and your relationship is not healthy.

Gorgosparta · 24/08/2017 18:11

You say you have decided to stay?

Can you explain why?

Is it fear? Is it what you percieve as love? Is it age? Kids?

helpme85 · 24/08/2017 18:12

I feel so sorry and sad for you OP.
He's a control freak.

I feel you're posting on here in the hope someone will normalise his behaviour and in turn normalise the lengths you have to go to just to get a night out. No one will do that OP. You simply need to get out of this relationship! It's not normal!

GoGoGazelle · 24/08/2017 18:13

YANBU to go out. He is BU to have a problem with it. There should be no reason to lie. This isn't normal (been there, got the Tshirt so I know it's not as easy as that).

Mxyzptlk · 24/08/2017 18:13

If I told him now that I'm planning to meet friends at the pub he would sulk and make me feel bad

He can't make you feel bad if you don't let him.
He can sulk and you can treat him as the giant two-year-old that he is being.

Bluntness100 · 24/08/2017 18:13

Have you posted about this before op?

OliviaStabler · 24/08/2017 18:14

I don't new posters yelling at me to leave him as I'm happy in my relationship I just have to lie a few times a year to go out.

Why bother posting? Seriously, why did you bother?

There is no AIBU as you have already told us you don't think he is BU as it is only one or two lies a year. No one can help as you don't want to hear the truth about your situation.

StickThatInYourPipe · 24/08/2017 18:15

What would happen OP if he caught you in the lie?

category12 · 24/08/2017 18:16

What happens if he finds out tho?

All his controlling ways will go up a gear and he'll be able to say, with perfect truth, that he cannot trust you.

If you want to stay with him, you should take a stand and weather his disapproval and all his manipulation to make it unpleasant, and basically teach him to tolerate you socialising by it making no difference what he does, you still go, like he's taught you to avoid going out or behave deceptively. If you're afraid of the consequences, then you're deceiving yourself that it's otherwise a good relationship.

TheEmmaDilemma · 24/08/2017 18:17

I'm sorry you are in this situation, but the only people who are going to say they lie too are people in abusive relationships too.

Willow2017 · 24/08/2017 18:17

That's not a life it's a life sentence.

Unless you respect yourself enough to leave this pathetic excuse for a man you aren't living a life you are living his.

Let him sulk that's his choice. You have a choice to live a lie or be your own person. Nobody has the right to control another person.

TELL him you are going out and he can deal with it. He doesnt own you. Tell him to grow up and stop acting like a petulant child if he wants a partner.

What advice would you give a daughter?

I hope to hell you aren't dtsghing kids into this farce of a relationship.