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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm lieing to DP to go out Saturday night.

164 replies

Namechangeforthisshame1 · 24/08/2017 17:29

So in a nutshell DP does not like me going out I don't need telling this is controlling because I know and have chosen to stay with him. Anyway I'm going Saturday evening with two of my friends who I haven't seen in months!
I'm really really looking forward to this I can only have one drink as il be driving so will be a light night but I have told DP I'm going to meet family for a meal on my own. I'm feeling bad about it but this is the lengths I have to go to to just socialise. He's never liked me going out he's a bit older than me and doesn't go out himself to be social. But I still like to. :( I feel bad about lieing but I know he will be a pain if I tell the truth. He will sulk etc.
Does anyone lie to get a little free time or am I the only loser here
I don't new posters yelling at me to leave him as I'm happy in my relationship I just have to lie a few times a year to go out. AIBU

OP posts:

Lweji · 24/08/2017 19:30

you can spend some time on your own. It's infinitely preferable to being with a controlling wanker.

It's great.

I never had to lie, but I much prefer now not having to deal with a man child.

FoodGloriousFud · 24/08/2017 19:35

That sounds like a horrendous way to live!!! I'd tell him where I was going and let him sulk. He sounds like a twat.

Crunchymum · 24/08/2017 19:36

He sounds like the type of cunt who will try and ruin your evening even if he thinks you are with family?

A row before you go (so you aren't in a good mood), calls and texts whilst you are out? Sounds like the M.O of this type of person. Regardless of who you are with.

flutterby12 · 24/08/2017 19:46

Fuck him. LTB

Anxietyreallyblows · 24/08/2017 19:58

Do you like living on eggshells op? He sounds like a nightmare.

You don't need anyone else to agree to do it if you want to but you need to ask yourself if it's really worth all this agro and what would happen if he found out you were lying.

BR62Y · 24/08/2017 20:00

You might be happy in your relationship but have you ever experienced a normal one?

This isn't normal.

Lweji · 24/08/2017 20:01

Fuck him. LTB

Or rather, don't fuck him. Let him fuck himself. LTB.

WoofWoofMooWoof · 24/08/2017 20:09

I think I wanted to know if anyone else has to do this as it's a lonely place sometimes and i can't about it to anyone

Yes, it's lonely because you're allowing it. I remember your previous thread as well. Pages and pages of us giving you advice and support, but you only hearing what you wanted to hear. Yes, I know he's abusive but it's a happy relationship. Yes, I know he's controlling but it's a happy relationship. Yes, I have to lie about going out but it's a happy relationship, etc etc etc.

Sorry, but unless and until you take the blinders off, you are going to be unhappy and lonely. And as we all told you on the other thread - it will get worse in time - he will get more abusive. As to why he doesn't want you going out? He's already had his younger days of sowing his wild oats with younger women like you. He's fucked his fair share of girls in nightclubs. You're his and his alone, and he doesn't want any other man to get any ideas about doing to you what he did to women.

One of my boyfriends was so jealous that he used to lock me in my flat for days, took the keys and took off with his mates having fun. But I wasn't allowed out in case I looked at other men. Believe me, this will get worse.

thatdearoctopus · 24/08/2017 20:27

But you're not even truly enjoying yourself having lied to him, though, are you? Because at the back of your mind you're bricking it as to what will happen if he finds out where you are.

I'd have told him, let him get on with his sulk and had a nice evening with a clear conscience.

And tell him not to judge you by his own low standards.

Underthemoonlight · 24/08/2017 20:32

I remember your previous posts. You wouldn't listen then when people said this behaviour wasn't acceptable. I don't know what you expect again posting about the same subject. No one should have to lie to their partner so they can socialise with their friends.

BitchQueen90 · 24/08/2017 20:41

I had a friend who was like this. Thank goodness she's not with him any more.

OP the majority of people don't have to lie to their partners about going out because that's not what people do in a normal healthy relationship. He is an emotional abuser.

You can have a happy relationship with someone who doesn't try to control you. This man isn't the be all and end all. Sounds like a stroppy man child.

FanwankTheAbsurd · 24/08/2017 20:45

OP, I get where you're coming from. My DH doesn't like me going out, speaking to people, or having a life outside his loving embrace. He applies these loving standards to dd too. She doesn't go out, speak to people, have independent thought...

Oh hang on......no...wait.....he DOESNT do this because he's not a CONTROLLING CUNT.

If you are serious about making changes then MN can help. If you are, however, just looking to do the same routine as before, getting advice that this isn't normal but then ignoring it and going your own sweet way, then I don't see what you hope to gain from this thread.

ITS

NOT

NORMAL

(HTH)

TheDowagerCuntess · 24/08/2017 20:54

Or, if there aren't any available, you can spend some time on your own. It's infinitely preferable to being with a controlling wanker.

Could not agree more (but sometimes don't think that is the way to appeal to someone who appears to be so afraid of being alone, that they put up with the most awful men).

OP - being alone is infinitely preferable to being with a controlling wanker - it really is.

You're the boss of you, and you can do whatever you want. You don't need to feel guilty for doing things. You don't need to feel crap for lying. And you can go out with whoever you want, whenever you want, for as long as you want.

Someone who behaves like this is categorically NOT lovely all the rest of the time, because this is who he is.

Beadieeye · 24/08/2017 21:24

You can do what you want. Please don't be reduced to lying. If it's safe, tell him what your plans are and he can deal with it.
Lies usually become exposed and when he finds out, you will not hear the last of it. He will believe he's justified and it will open a massive can of worms.

jeaux90 · 24/08/2017 21:38

Do your friends know you are having to lie to see them? What do they say to you about it?

If you haven't told them then lie this time. Meet them and tell them. Watch their faces.

thatdearoctopus · 24/08/2017 21:39

When you were a child growing up and looking ahead to being an adult, is this how you imagined it would be? Needing permission to go out, and being refused it?

RebelRogue · 24/08/2017 21:59

@Namechangeforthisshame1 since you asked if anyone has experience of this..
A long time ago both me and my best friend were in abusive relationships,so we both lied in order to meet eachother or go out. My bf never found out, but that didn't stop his paranoia and abuse from escalating. At some point he was convinced I was leaving our bed and meeting other men. He was jealous and suspicious of long calls to my mum. Even going out with him became a hassle as his friends would chat to me and be friendly.

My best friend's boyfriend was even worse,and was tracking her. So he did find her out. Once again the paranoia and abuse escalated,using the fact that she lied as an excuse. Even after they broke up,if he knew she was going out he'd go to every club until he found her. It ended with him breaking her nose and shoving her in a car.

In both scenarios the behaviour did escalate,and it will escalate in yours. I'd say run,but I doubt you will.

Morsecode · 24/08/2017 22:00

Are you the person who lied about gym membership fees going over the limit he had set for you, or somesuch?

However much older he is, being a partner does not mean he should act like your dad and even less that you should live in fear of his reactions. People are telling you to leave him for good reason, because some of us have been abused in the same way by sulking twats who end up doing more than sulk. You may be blase about MN reaction now, but for how long OP?

ChristmasFluff · 24/08/2017 22:36

When you are really in a happy relationship, you don't need to lie, But you know that, don't you? The real question is why do you want to justify staying in a relationship where you are not happy? That is the point healthy people would leave. You choose to stay. Why? (Not for me, answer to yourself - YOU are the person who needs to get this)

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 24/08/2017 22:45

I hope you don't take all the replies you've received here as criticism.

Most of us are passionate because we've been in similar positions and want to give you the wisdom of our experience. You do start to lose all perspective when subjected to manipulative abuse and in time lose the confidence or strength to leave.

In the short term, if you feel forced to lie about where you are because you're afraid of his reaction, then be careful. Let your friends know and make sure the evening isn't documented on social media.

kali110 · 25/08/2017 01:11

If you were that happy:
You wouldn't have to lie just to go out with friends,
You wouldn't be afraid of speaking to him or upsetting him.
Is this really what you want for yourself?
What about your family and friends, Do they know this?
Would they want this for you?
What would you say if a friend was telling you this?
You should be able to go out with friends and family whenever you want without having to lie!
You should be able to speak to your partner without the fear of upsetting him.
This isn't a happy or healthy relationship op.
You deserve better, And you can do better

Mittens1969 · 25/08/2017 08:15

@TheDowagerCuntess, I couldn't agree more. I was single for a few years before I met my DH and you can do exactly what you want when you want. And believe it or not when you're happy single you're much more likely to find a man who treats you well, because you won't be settling for the first one that shows an interest in you.

ZanyMobster · 25/08/2017 08:47

It's not normal at all. I don't need to ask my DH if I want to go on today with my friends for a week, just need to check out of courtesy that it's convenient.

XH was very controlling, not to the extent of yours but I could see how it was going to go if we stayed together, the signs were all there.

It is so sad OP that you feel you need to live like this. You deserve so much better.

BlondeB83 · 25/08/2017 09:35

Bloody hell leave him!! You're in for a life of misery! I stayed with my arsehole 'D'P for 11 years and never looked back once I finally did the right thing!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 25/08/2017 09:47

Don't be sorry for posting Lovely, that's why we're here.
Many of us have suffered this, and it is lonely, and it's very wrong, and you CAN do something about it. You seem resigned to the fact, that this is how it will have to remain, when that is NOT the case.
Speak out, tell everyone, don't keep this dirty secret, his behaviour is abusive and controlling, just me, me and me ...
Real love doesn't take prisoners. Please consider leaving this emotional bully.💐

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