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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm lieing to DP to go out Saturday night.

164 replies

Namechangeforthisshame1 · 24/08/2017 17:29

So in a nutshell DP does not like me going out I don't need telling this is controlling because I know and have chosen to stay with him. Anyway I'm going Saturday evening with two of my friends who I haven't seen in months!
I'm really really looking forward to this I can only have one drink as il be driving so will be a light night but I have told DP I'm going to meet family for a meal on my own. I'm feeling bad about it but this is the lengths I have to go to to just socialise. He's never liked me going out he's a bit older than me and doesn't go out himself to be social. But I still like to. :( I feel bad about lieing but I know he will be a pain if I tell the truth. He will sulk etc.
Does anyone lie to get a little free time or am I the only loser here
I don't new posters yelling at me to leave him as I'm happy in my relationship I just have to lie a few times a year to go out. AIBU

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 24/08/2017 18:18

I just can't imagine having to lie to my DH in order to go out with friends! No way should you be putting up with him sulking. He'll only get worse as well.

FanwankTheAbsurd · 24/08/2017 18:18

Really? This is the life you choose to have?

Ceebs85 · 24/08/2017 18:20

I don't understand why you're posting. He's controlling, you're clearly scared of him and have to lie to spend time with friends.

You know you shouldn't be with him and that there'll be a unanimous 'LTB'

GET away from him and live your life the way you want to.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 24/08/2017 18:21

Fucking hell.
Well, you choose this, you deal with it.

Garlicansapphire · 24/08/2017 18:22

OP its very sad. Its not a life. Lying just so you can go out a couple of nights.

I'm on my own but I can go out whenever I want - tonight to a bar with friends, tomorrow I'm going away for the night, Monday a long walk with a friend. I'd much rather be free to do what I want than have to stay home all the time with a partner.

Is this really how you want to live? Can you get some support from friends/family or counselling to make a choice about the life you want to lead - with or without him? And build the strength to make those choices.

user1480334601 · 24/08/2017 18:22

What is his reasons for not wanting you to go out OP has he ever told you x

Esspee · 24/08/2017 18:23

Lying to your partner is wrong. What you need to do is be honest with him then base your future on his response. If he is a reasonable person he will change his attitude. If he doesn't you need to get out of the relationship. It really is that simple.

Mrskeats · 24/08/2017 18:24

Really no point posting was there?
You know what we are all going to say already.
He's controlling and an adult should have to lie about going out. This is how your life will always be and life is too short.
So what if he doesn't socialise? That's his choice and you can make yours.

FloweryTeapot · 24/08/2017 18:24

I go out with friends as often as I want, and can afford to. I sometimes visit friends who live in another city for the weekend.

I never lie about where I'm going, or who with. I don't have to because my husband is a normal reasonable adult. If I felt I had to lie to him to get out of the house then I would leave him. I couldn't live like that.

Slimthistime · 24/08/2017 18:24

will he sulk if you go out - or is there a worry that he will be violent?

You have posted here because you need to get it out in the open and talk about, so we will listen Flowers

KERALA1 · 24/08/2017 18:25

You are an adult on what planet can another adult ban you from going out? Is he your dad? Do you live in Saudi?

Sure wouldn't be prepared to live my life like an extra from the Handmaids Tale.

DavetheCat2001 · 24/08/2017 18:25
Hmm
PoppyH56 · 24/08/2017 18:25

If my OH told me I couldn't go out for one drink with two girl mates I would tell him to fuck off. Simple as.
Don't let a man dictate your life! You've already said you enjoy going out and wish you could do it more yet you stay with someone who doesn't let you do this? It makes no sense? Surely you would be much happier without him as it doesn't sound like he's bringing much joy into your life or your relationship.
I would tell him and then I would leave him. That's my honest answer. Flowers

FloweryTeapot · 24/08/2017 18:26

Rogue comma in the first line. Makes a big difference!!

NurseButtercup · 24/08/2017 18:27

I'm going to answer the question you asked:

"Does anyone lie to get a little free time or am I the only loser here?"

Yes - my ex told me that my free time is his time. He hated me going out without him, I used to lie whenever I went out with my friends. There was an occasion when I went to the cinema with my friend. So I told him I was at work - doing overtime. This was my usual alibi, but it didn't work this time because he decided to surprise me at work with flowers (check up on me). When he discovered I wasn't at work, he went into a rage and drove over to my house, parked up on my driveway and started calling me. When I came out of the cinema I saw I had 120 missed calls.

When I eventually called him back he was going ape-shit and screaming down the phone and threatening all kinds. I let my friend listen and she insisted that I came home with her. I didn't go home, to my beautiful home that I had worked hard to save up to get a mortgage, renovate and decorate, for two days because I was scared.

He didn't live with me and he didn't have a key to get into my home. I ended up apologising to him for upsetting him that evening. He used this episode to support his campaign to move in with me, so that he could keep an eye on me. Apparently I'd broken his trust and our bond together. I didn't agree and let him move in, but this was the beginning of the verbal abuse. I eventually left him and needed help from the police in order to feel safe.

Out of interest, are your family aware that they're your alibi? Will they cover for you if he decides to check up on you?

I won't tell you to ltb because you don't want to hear it and you're not ready to leave. But please stand up for yourself and tell the truth, if you lie and he finds out you're giving him ammunition for his ridiculous campaign to control you.

Goingtobeawesome · 24/08/2017 18:27

You can win! You can leave this controlling bully, work on yourself and then be with someone who loves, respects and likes you and accepts you as an equal.

Lweji · 24/08/2017 18:28

If you have to lie to him to make your life easier, you're not happy.
You're walking on eggshells. And modifying your behaviour for an easier life.
That is called being abused.

user1480334601 · 24/08/2017 18:29

If this is only issue in another wise happy relationship might be worth discussing and coming to agreements/solution as you shouldn't have to lie. You should be able to tell him you want to go out as you enjoy it and he should understand just cos he doesn't enjoy it doesn't mean you can't.

Is it an insecurity/trust problem? If so might be worth exploring with him see what's causing that

Truth always comes out in the end and it will look worse than it is of you've lied. But then he's brought it on his self by being sulky

I vote have a big sit down and discussion and tell him you enjoy going out, and it's bringing you down not being able to socialise with friends without dealing with his big huffs

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 24/08/2017 18:35

All I can see that you're asking is does anyone else lie to get some free time and my response is no, never have and wouldn't be with anyone where that became necessary. I don't think I know anyone who's in that kind of situation either, it's very sad.

So you lie in order to do something very straightforward that most people just take for granted. This is what you find the easiest course of action. What would happen if he somehow caught you out lying to him?

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 24/08/2017 18:37

i'm not yelling at you. But he is abusive. There doesnt have to be physical violence for the relationship to be abusive. I was in a marriage similar to yours for a long time. I knew something was wrong. it took a long time to work out. But the excuses about not going out - yeah heard them all before.

BeccaAnn · 24/08/2017 18:40

I have a horrible feeling this will end as another statistic of women suffering DV. Leave him for gods sake!

No, you should not have to lie to go out, your partner should just be ok with you going to see YOUR friends. Can't wait for your future children to end up with poor views on relationships.

Whinesalot · 24/08/2017 18:43

Lying is never a good idea. Sorry.

PopcornBits · 24/08/2017 18:45

Your man is abusive.
That sulking he does, it's a tactic to make you feel bad and not go.
He is aware of what he's doing to you.

The first thing you have to do is stop engaging with his behaviour, and try not to let your emotional reaction to his abusivensss affect you as it will cause a tremendous amount of stress for you.

Secondly I urge you to seek help, whether that's women's aid, a friend. I feel that you have already reached out to mumsnet as the first step in identifying this issue with him.
No it's no healthy to lie in order to go out, I think you should highlight this with your friends when you see them on your night out and get their opinion on it too, maybe that will cement it more for you that this needs to stop.

Please take a read of why does he do that by Lundy it's on Amazon. It may help you to distinguish the type of man he is and some of his abusive behaviour.

I hope you enjoy your night out, and do what you need to do in order to enjoy it even if it means keeping the calm.
Please be careful that he doesn't find out as this will surely escalate his abusive behaviour more and I fear he may become physical.

I do hope you manage to figure something out.

HeebieJeebies456 · 24/08/2017 18:46

what's your longterm plan?

Or are you willing to live the rest of your life like this?

riceuten · 24/08/2017 18:47

I think I recognise this poster from previous postings and, to be frank, I think she's moved on from being completely powerless to taking control.

In the circumstances, she's probably doing the right thing, but, long term, it doesn't augur well, if I am going to be honest.

Like about 70% of AIBUs, she has one answer she wants and she doesn't want to hear any dissenting voices.