Wedding parent nightmare

[splatattack]

Hi...some advice needed. I am getting married in my home country (part of the UK), my parents are insisting on paying as they believe that is their role. I would ideally prefer something smaller but as they are paying and I decided to have it where they live it is a big 'traditional' wedding. I am happy with this but am still trying to plan the wedding based on mine and my partner's tastes. My parents have gone off and tried to organise things (accommodation, wine etc) without talking to me. I have been a little annoyed as I am happy to and would like to do those things myself. We have come to big blows today because matching suits for my father and the two best men won't work. They all live in different countries and are very different shapes so I told them just to each choose a suit they like and that fits well in a grey colour. This way everyone feels comfortable. They will all have the same colour shoes, same tie and I thought matching braces. My parents are completely refusing this idea as they have to all be matching. I have explained this won't work, and that it is more important to be that people feel comfortable but they have been shouting at me most of the day. I am being unreasonable and selfish. Why am I bothering to have a traditional wedding if I am not going to have matching suits...why don't I go get married in a field etc etc...there is a lot more to this argument as the fighting has been going on since we got engaged because I would like to plan my own wedding and my views just do not match theirs. AIBU to stick to my guns on this?

Unfortunately by them paying for it you can't really say much to them!

My mantra to all and sundry when wedding planning was 'No pay, no say!' although your parents definitely sound overbearing!

Can you let them have their way but insist the suits be altered to fit? Then they can be made slim fit etc. depending on preference. Almost all men look nice in a well fitted suit.

Have the invitations gone out/venue booked?

It sounds like far too much stress already especially with your DPs micromanaging from abroad without consulting you and then ignoring your wishes.

Parentzillas? If it's not too late I would say, yes you will get married in a field and sort it out yourselves. If it is too late then just get a grip and tell them what stress it's causing you and that you would prefer to enjoy the occasion rather than fight them all the way.

Of course you should stick to your guns. And I've no idea what the pp means you can't say anything because they are paying, of course you can it's still your bloody wedding. It's not s case of if your parents pay it's their choice

Sit them down and explain what you want, semi traditional with some flexibility, ask them if they can work with you on that and if not then say you'll have to find another arrangement. Ultimately they are your parents and hopefully love you and want what's best for you.

Also explain to them this is ruining the wedding for you and you want final say and the arguments to stop, ask if they feel they can accommodate that.

This is such a difficult situation. Unfortunately, your parents are very controlling, and what they want is more important to them than what you want, and they believe if they are paying, what they say goes. It's too bad they feel this way. There's nothing worse than a gift with strings attached. I say pay for your own wedding, even if it will be smaller. It will be worth it just to have peace.

How frustrating for you!

Just because they are paying doesn't mean they get to overide your preferences and decisions. Could you offer to pay for the suits to regain a bit of control?

I had a similar problem with my wedding. Very difficult to be assertive about what you want when they are paying for it. I dealt with it by giving them tasks that I was happy for them to organise, and let them know which bits we wanted to organise ourselves.

Is it too late to change your plans: have the smaller wedding that you and your partner would like and then pay for it yourselves?

It seems that this is turning into your parents' dream wedding instead of what you would like and because they're paying you're having to suck it up. How does your partner feel about all this?

I offered to pay but they said it would be an offence to them if they weren't allowed to pay. I have still tried to keep the cost down where I can because I don't believe in spending silly money on one day, but I have ended up giving in on quite a few things..i.e. I have gone for the more expensive option simply to keep the peace. It is a little too late to cancel, although I have threatened it, we would have to pay too many deposits back. I try hard to please them but I always fall short, I am just too different. We can't alter all the suits as we are trying to fit one for a best man who is very slim and lives very far away. So we suited him first. Some other examples of compromise from me: I chose a different venue from what I wanted because they refused to let me get married in the one I wanted, when I mention this I am ungrateful because the venue we have is very expensive and of course it will be beautiful, I had my heart set on a dress that I tried on with my mum and she liked it at the time but later called me up and told me that she had looked at the pics of me in it and decided it was unflattering and I really needed to shop around, I was hurt and replied with 'it's my wedding and I will wear what I choose' and as a result she called me domineering and arrogant. I have ended up with a different dress that I love, but if I'm being honest part of me knows I would have preferred the other one. I struggle so hard with the constant disapproval...

Your parents are being ridiculous. I would threaten to cancel the whole thing and elope if they didn't calm down and respect the fact that it is not their wedding. Paying for it, at their own insistence, does not give them the right to dictate everything. It is still your wedding!

If you let them do this, you will look back and feel resentful that your day was nothing like you wanted and no one should feel like that about their wedding.

If they lose deposits, that's their own fault for bullying you into accepting their choices. They don't seem to be doing any of this to make you happy, only to look like they are doing the right thing.
Honestly, I think the best thing you could do would be to call it off and let them take the financial hit.

I feel for you. I postponed my big traditional wedding thanks to overbearing parents who felt that as they were paying they had the final say. We're trying again next year but having a much smaller do which I know we can pay for ourselves so have far more control. They're still trying to take over but they can't.

Personally I would just say enough is enough and they can pay for a family get together and go and do your own thing.

They're ruining your wedding. Threaten to call it off in the hope they will become more reasonable. Think hard about the things you most want to change me push for them.

AND push for them

Planning a wedding should not be like this. I wouldn't even want to go through with it because the whole day will be ruined before it even happens. Just go and elope somewhere.

I wasn't saying as they're paying they should be in control but that's obviously what they think! They don't sound like the reasonable type who will back down!

Thank you so much for your support, it is a relief to know I am not being unreasonable! They have me convinced I am the most selfish individual...they have me questioning my personality and everything? I have said things in anger (nothing too personal, things like grow up please or it is my wedding why can't you understand that) because I feel so pushed and I have a bad attitude etc as a result. I'm supposed to be grateful for all they are doing, but I haven't asked them to do it? The things I have asked them to help with I have always said thank you. But as I don't say thank you for everything that negates all the other times I have shown gratitude. I have given my mum the flowers to take over in an attempt to give her ownership over something (as if I had my way I would do the flowers myself) but it isn't enough. She thinks because she has a say in that she has a say in everything. And now she is like I am doing all this for you, why do I bother? When I say I am happy to organise it all, she acts like I would have a day that would be an embarrassment for them. They think their views and behaviour are completely normal and nothing I say will convince them otherwise. I have shown them pictures on Pinterest so they realise that my ideas are not abnormal and weird (I am having a pretty standard wedding btw), but they don't see it...

I strongly suggest you elope.

Do not let them dictate your life to you. You are old enough to be getting married; get married how you want. Set the boundaries firmly now for your sake and for your future spouse's sake.

Call it off.

Seriously.

And tell them that that seems to be the only way to save them from knowing that they spent £x thousand to ruin their daughter's wedding day.

This is horribly controlling of them and I really feel for you. They clearly don't see you as an adult, possibly not even as a child, but as an extension of themselves. As their child you must do as they say.

My parents tried this with us - offered to pay for the wedding, said we were being offensive when we declined so we had to accept, made ludicrous demands (costing 3x what they were paying), demanded their way on everything and didn't accept any tit for tat (they won something so should let us win on something else) or compromise and basically made it all about them. We did end up cancelling, losing a lot of money in deposits and marrying in a non-traditional way which wouldn't have been my choice but was at least on my terms. It's nearly a decade now and my relationship with my parents has never recovered. They feel slighted that we showed them up, I will never forget their behaviour over what should have been about us.

At the end of the day I don't regret cancelling. I regret springing the wedding - we invited everyone for lunch and dragged them into church - as it felt underhand. I don't regret the money lost but I do regret not standing up to them openly.

If I had my time again I don't think I would be able to do it differently though as they just wouldn't listen. Lot's of "If you do x I won't come" nonsense that you just can't reason with. Though had we carried on with the planning I don't think mine and DH's relationship would have made it, there was so much pressure and my mental health was really damaged.

Sorry to make this post all about me, but I want you to know that you can do things your way and come out the other side. How does your fiancé feel? I realised that DH really had my back when he stood up to my controlling parents - something that I hadn't realised was possible before. If you're working at this together then you can achieve anything.

But seriously when I was in your shoes I did cancel and it was the best thing for us. Probably also, in retrospect, the best thing for my parents but that's just a side effect and wasn't any part of our intended outcome.

for you, I know how hard this is.

Who are you getting married for?
Is this even going to be a day that you will enjoy? Walking round seeing things that are pretty but not what you wanted, sounds like a very sad wedding day.
You need to stop this now.
They are using money to control you, why would you want to start your married life like this.
Message both of them and simply say...
I've spent the day so upset, I've been excited about planning my wedding and I don't feel like I'm being allowed to make my own choices. I am aware that you are paying and I am grateful for that however it's not my wedding if you refuse everything I like and make me have what you want. I'm happy to cancel everything and have a small wedding if you would prefer otherwise i have to be allowed space to make my own choices. Please let me know what you would like to do.

This is so sad, and reminds me of another thread the other day. The fact that your parents are paying should be immaterial - it's your wedding and your memories - they're being very unfair.

But why are you taking the money from them then. Just turn around and say: look I've been thinking about this and I'm an independent adult, you've been very kind but I don't want to fall out with you about this so we're going to do it our way and pay for it ourselves.

This was why we paid for our wedding 100%. Including all parents' plane tickets and hotels. I must say it did get tiring in the intense wedding years listening to friends being all 'omfg mum and dad are so mean and controlling, just because they're giving us like 40k for a traditional wedding they totally keep bossing us around' etc etc.

I think it's very controlling of them, but have seen countless well off parents be the same, the solution is in your hands. But funnily enough I have seen few people in this scenario take responsibility for their own lives/independence, they've just in the end taken the cash and done it reluctantly the parents way.

Sorry, I sound quite harsh, but such a relief to say it here after years of having to go 'God yeah that's awful your mum has strong views on the five silk bridesmaids dresses that she's paying for 100%, what a horrific bitch etc' to various entitled friends.

Sadly 'he who pays the piper chooses the tune' is usually true.

I had a very traditional (Scottish) wedding. All the men wore kilts but they were all different, we didn't even expect them to have matching colour or style of jackets. The photos look wonderful.

Traditional doesn't have to equal matching. It sounds like for your parents traditional = do what we did.

It sounds like you have to go and see them with your DF and sit down and discuss this face to face.

In the end of course you could cancel.

That's your big trump card. You would actually be have to be prepared to go through with cancelling if you are going to threaten to though.

They will be much more embarrassed by cancelling than by non matching ushers.

Your DF will have to speak up in this discussion too. I suspect given what you've said about your parents that they are more likely to listen to a forceful SIL to be than their little girl.

Message both of them and simply say...
I've spent the day so upset, I've been excited about planning my wedding and I don't feel like I'm being allowed to make my own choices. I am aware that you are paying and I am grateful for that however it's not my wedding if you refuse everything I like and make me have what you want. I'm happy to cancel everything and have a small wedding if you would prefer otherwise i have to be allowed space to make my own choices. Please let me know what you would like to do

I don't think this kind of reasonable approach works with controlling parents. If, on the tiniest chance, they agree to it the control and bullying will creep back in after a few weeks paying lip service to it. And comments like "we're hosting" will be thrown into every conversation.