Wedding parent nightmare

[splatattack]

Hi...some advice needed. I am getting married in my home country (part of the UK), my parents are insisting on paying as they believe that is their role. I would ideally prefer something smaller but as they are paying and I decided to have it where they live it is a big 'traditional' wedding. I am happy with this but am still trying to plan the wedding based on mine and my partner's tastes. My parents have gone off and tried to organise things (accommodation, wine etc) without talking to me. I have been a little annoyed as I am happy to and would like to do those things myself. We have come to big blows today because matching suits for my father and the two best men won't work. They all live in different countries and are very different shapes so I told them just to each choose a suit they like and that fits well in a grey colour. This way everyone feels comfortable. They will all have the same colour shoes, same tie and I thought matching braces. My parents are completely refusing this idea as they have to all be matching. I have explained this won't work, and that it is more important to be that people feel comfortable but they have been shouting at me most of the day. I am being unreasonable and selfish. Why am I bothering to have a traditional wedding if I am not going to have matching suits...why don't I go get married in a field etc etc...there is a lot more to this argument as the fighting has been going on since we got engaged because I would like to plan my own wedding and my views just do not match theirs. AIBU to stick to my guns on this?

I would also look at the other side: how would you feel in your fiance shoes?

With in laws to be who are controlling and rude, who are always pandered to and who are never to be upset while your fiance can be?

Cancel - your parents need to realise they can only have the level of control you allow them.

Tell them that you understand they want the wedding to be perfect, but their idea of perfect is not yours, so you are cancelling the wedding and will plan and pay for your own. If they want to give you a lump sum towards it, fine, but you and DP will decide all details and they will be guests, not hosts. That their behaviour is ruining your relationship with them and you've had enough. You aren't a child, this is your wedding, not theirs.

Have the argument, their treatement of you will spoil your wedding, it will spoil your relationship with them anyway, even if you do suck it up.

Good grief, it really sounds like you should elope.

My Dad didn't pay for the whole thing, but contributed a significant amount. All he asked for was for 2 people to be invited (who we knew and were happy to have them there). Everything else was up to us.

How old are you OP. (Roughly ?)

Your parents sound horrible ☹️

can everyone just stop saying the OP has a choice between "the day her parents want" and "eloping" ?!?!

OP you can just tell them you don't want their plan of a big day, and then plan your own wedding. It doesn't have to be "their big day or no big day", you can cancel and you and your DP plan the day you want, invite your friends and family, including your parents, but you two invite them, not yoru parents effectively inviting you to a wedding they've planned !

Actually think you need to do this. Your parents have shown they will use their money to control you and bully youinto doing what they want. They need to learn that if they offer to spend money on things for you (be it wedding day, house deposit, private education for DCs etc), but only on the condition do you exactly what you want, you will decline their gift.

Just because they want to spend money on your wedding, doesn't mean you have to accept it.

Tell them now. Cancel. You and DP plan the day you two want and pay for it yourselves.

What silky ear says!
OP when you said your mother said your way would lead to embarrassment she has revealed the crux of the problem! She feels the world and its dog will judge your parents and family by how prestigious your wedding is. It has nothing to do with your personal choice but what your DM "thinks" is the right way to do it.
Once the wedding is over you'd better lay down boundaries or your parents will be dictating your family planning, housing etc etc.
Tell them you don't care what other people think, you want to do it your way. When they visit play the Frank Sinatra song every time they enter your house, just as a reminder!
Good luck

So your mum says she would be offended if you paid. Yet she is allowed to offend you by riding roughshod over your wedding plans?

Tell her its off, make up some cock and bull story how you arent ready or whatever. Move abroad. Marry there in secret.

sounds like your happiness doesn't mean anything.only their egos.run for the hills and let them have a party

This reminds me of DH & my wedding - it was really my Mother's day. 20+ years later and I'm no contact with my parents because my Mother's controlling behaviour got much worse with age.

Personally, I would give your parents fair warning that although you really appreciate their kind offer to pay, you feel they have lost sight of the simple fact that this is YOUR wedding, not theirs, and the constant arguing and criticism is taking away any joy you feel. So unless they can take a step back and remember that this is your day, sadly they leave you no choice but to cancel and either elope or pay yourselves for the wedding that you and your dp want. Write it down if you need to.

Personally, I would give your parents fair warning that although you really appreciate their kind offer to pay, you feel they have lost sight of the simple fact that this is YOUR wedding, not theirs, and the constant arguing and criticism is taking away any joy you feel. So unless they can take a step back and remember that this is your day, sadly they leave you no choice but to cancel and either elope or pay yourselves for the wedding that you and your dp want. Write it down if you need to. flowers

This.

Enjoy the move to a new country - escape their clutches.

A gift with strings attached is not a gift, it's a trap.

Organise it your way. Have the wedding you want. Pay them back and take back control.

I don't think you should call off the wedding or elope but you have to regain control. It sounds as if all your mum's ideas are from the time when she would've married or possibly even her parents. My friends DM is one of the nicest ladies you could meet but it still upsets her that her mum planned every part of her wedding & she was very hands off mother of the bride to let friend have the wedding she wanted. Do you want to be approaching your golden wedding OP & still not be able to recall your Big Day fondly & only think of the recriminations and upset. Mind you having said all that I have no bright ideas how you would go about it. Maybe you should let OH speak to DPs about how upset you are.

Weird no one has mentioned a marriage is about you and your fiancé. So what does your fiance want? At the moment neither of you are happy and if i was your fiancés friend, i would advise him to run for the hills.
The way you talk about your parents suggests you are very young and still feel they are the adults in charge. Perhaps you aren't ready for marriage?
Practically you can turn the dramatics around on your parents. "Mam I'm worried about you and Dad have a pregnancy in your dotage. You are taking precautions? What are you using?"
Or when she queries the move away, suggests she visits at least once a week to do your laundry and batch cook for you and pay your bills.
Be the ungrateful madam they suggest you are. Embrace it.

I am in my 30's, I am very much independent and mature I promise you! I left home at aged 18 (as soon as I could) because I needed my space...I do not consult them on any aspect of my life really because I try to keep the peace and get on with things my way. They wish I would communicate more but i am independent and just get on with life. My OH has a say but equally doesn't massively want to get involved. He is very very supportive!!

I thought I would have the wedding back home out of nostalgia really and my OH thought where I am from is beautiful etc. I should have foreseen that this would be an issue but I was too optimistic. My siblings have had weddings but not where I am from so the distance meant that my parents couldn't be as controlling with them I guess?

They support me but it is hard when we all live scattered round the UK...I am at home at the moment visiting which is why things have reached crisis point!

Things have calmed down now so I am in wait and see mode for the moment...

I do appreciate all the support from you all...it is a relief to have an outlet!

Stage a breakup to get out of this wedding and "get back together" in a few weeks.
Get married in secret abroad (or Gretna).
Don't say a word till they ask you.

personally I'd just tell your parents to fuck off but that probably won't go down too well given the sort of people they're coming across in your posts

I know they love me more than anything and would do anything for me

What exactly would they do for you? Not have your wedding where you want, the way you want - not even let you wear the dress you wanted. It sounds like they might be very attached to you, OP, but that's not exactly the same as love.

I'm so sad for you about your dress

If this continues you'll regret it and you'll just have tarnished memories of what should be one of the best days of your life.

Your parents are doing this for themselves, not out of any love for you.

You need to stand up to them and either they let you do it your own way, or you cancel and pay for your own wedding yourselves.
Tough luck if they lose their deposits, they were warned.

OP, you have a controlling, manipulative set of parents. Clearly you have been raised with this and are used to accommodating it. You are working from the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) not from love. Try looking up that dynamic and see if it resonates with you.

OP I've been thinking about your thread overnight. It must be quite a shock to have everyone say to cancel when you're sure they're working in your best interests/out of love. As PP say it isn't love, they're showing you very clearly that their love is conditional and that's not right. I very strongly feel you should find someone to talk to about this relationship - the one between your parents and you - and to help you unpick it's unhealthy dynamic. Therapy really is a godsend when you have toxic parents and are conditioned to put their feelings before yours.

Op if you have siblings that didn't get married at home so were able to choose the wedding they wanted, then maybe that's a reason why - she was dreaming of found several weddings but is only getting the chance to do yours so she is triple determined to have the wedding she wants - forgetting of course that it's not her wedding...

Any chance any of your siblings could jump in and point out how unreasonable she is being?

Could you threaten to have it where you live so you can have the wedding you wanted like your siblings did - and if they say about you losing the deposits point out that they are the ones losing the deposits, it's all deposits for things you told them that you didn't want but they insisted upon and that maybe they should use it as a renewal of their vows ceremony and have the ceremony they want.

How about your dad - does he support your mum because he believes she is right or because it's easier for a quiet life? Could he be turned around to support you?

Finally - do you know what your mum's wedding was like? Did her mum take over and organise her wedding for her? In which case she may genuinely think that it's the way it should be because that's all she has known. Plus it means that if she didn't get to organise her own wedding she has been dreaming for years about what she will do when it's her turn to have a wedding... she's probably had loads of ideas over the years - many of them from around the time she got married hence feeling old fashioned now like the matching suits - and she's only got one chance to have 'her' wedding so she's going for it - forgetting that it's your wedding, thinking you will get your turn later with your own dc, and not realising (or being very deliberate about not noticing because it doesn't suit her) that things have moved on that brides want to organise their own weddings!

If this is what your wedding is like, imagine what it will be like if you have kids! However, if you are intent on carrying on, the Pinterest idea is a good one, or perhaps a few wedding magazines showing gorgeous alternative style weddings. I'm completely with you on suits not needing to match but if they're all tailored it may be a small sacrifice. Decide what you are happy to let them control e.g. Flowers, suits, opinion on dress but then take definite and sole control of the other things.

Thank you guys...I have woken up this morning after 8 hours of fighting yesterday really despondent. My mum has spoken to me several times and says all she wants are things back to normal but I can't just flip a switch. I honestly am dreading my wedding day, when people ask how excited I am I try to give an appropriate answer when really it is pretend. I don't feel like this because I'm not getting what I want or I'm not excited to get married, but it's all this ill feeling on the way there. I feel like the smiles on the day for pictures, my dad walking me up the aisle and giving a speech now feels so farcical. I want to be in a marriage but I don't want this ridiculous wedding anymore. And my parents won't control me after this (or with kids etc) as I have seen what they are like with my siblings, they don't comment on how they raise their children. They see it as I am theirs until I am married, and then I am my husband's. As for why they are being so controlling, it boils down to the fact they care so so much about what other people think (I don't and never really have), which is why my wedding has to be exactly the same as all others they have gone to. If it is seen as weird or different at all they kick off, hence the drama over non matching suits. I also found out yesterday that there is a big problem with only having one bridesmaid but two best men...how can we possibly exit the ceremony afterwards when it won't be symmetrical and the whole thing is going to look ridiculous!! I also got shouted at because I haven't shown them a finished guest list yet (haven't sent the invites yet), I said that I didn't think I had to as I have asked who they would like to invite and have made sure they are on the list (about 20 of their friends). I said why don't you just ask me but apparently I should know to give it to them. Also got told that I should read a book on wedding etiquette as clearly I don't know what I'm doing.

If I cancel this wedding it will embarrass them more than they can cope with. I will never have a relationship with them again. They have always been so so good at giving me money etc to help me out when I need it so they do help me and support me, but it does usually come with strings. I should have been stronger at refusing these gifts.

Maybe because I left home and moved away at 18, and they have never seen me in my 'grown-up' life, this is why they still treat me like a child? I know I should stand up to them but it is harder than you know.

That is just awful. So you have had to compromise on the venue and the dress. This is one of the reasons, we eloped to Las Vegas. I suggest you have a big talk and start with no name calling or I will be forced to hang up and then put it in writing. Tell them how unhappy you are that you are not getting the wedding YOU want. Just think how sad, it will be to look back in 1, 5 or 10 years time and think that was not my wedding, that was their wedding. In fact, you could walk away now and tell them they can have the wedding they have chosen for a vow renewal. Then you arrange something more 'you'

I had one 7 year old bridesmaid flying in from the USA and one 31 year old bridesmaid flying in from New Zealand. Didn't even try and coordinate what they wore - with me or each other. They were told to pick something they liked. The world did not end.

It really sounds like you need therapy to get some perspective on the situation, this is not caring or loving from them at all.

As an alternative, do you think you and DP could elope privately before the wedding extravaganza without telling your parents? Then go through their ceremony but you will already be married with the privacy you wanted. Let them have whatever they want for their event, just agree to everything. Be a big mannequin they can position as needed, that's all they want anyway. You can let it slide off you as none of it really matters.