Wedding parent nightmare

[splatattack]

Hi...some advice needed. I am getting married in my home country (part of the UK), my parents are insisting on paying as they believe that is their role. I would ideally prefer something smaller but as they are paying and I decided to have it where they live it is a big 'traditional' wedding. I am happy with this but am still trying to plan the wedding based on mine and my partner's tastes. My parents have gone off and tried to organise things (accommodation, wine etc) without talking to me. I have been a little annoyed as I am happy to and would like to do those things myself. We have come to big blows today because matching suits for my father and the two best men won't work. They all live in different countries and are very different shapes so I told them just to each choose a suit they like and that fits well in a grey colour. This way everyone feels comfortable. They will all have the same colour shoes, same tie and I thought matching braces. My parents are completely refusing this idea as they have to all be matching. I have explained this won't work, and that it is more important to be that people feel comfortable but they have been shouting at me most of the day. I am being unreasonable and selfish. Why am I bothering to have a traditional wedding if I am not going to have matching suits...why don't I go get married in a field etc etc...there is a lot more to this argument as the fighting has been going on since we got engaged because I would like to plan my own wedding and my views just do not match theirs. AIBU to stick to my guns on this?

Can you hear what you want to hear and ignore her guilt tripping. So breezily say glad that she has now agreed you and your DP can plan your own wedding and you are so happy you can now have and move on from the two best men and grey suits.

The important thing is to stick to your guns through all the theatrics.

Lucked that is what I have down! I am hoping it keeps the peace until this wedding is over. I couldn't have cancelled even though that is what I would want because it would honestly break our relationship. I don't think that I can do that...

Not just Irish, Northern Irish. I knew it. I've lived this, OP. Not my parents, but an aunt who had 'head of the family' pretentions and was an unholy pain in the arse about everything wedding related for me. We don't speak any more, I bear the deprivation tolerably.

OP, How many Irish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
"That's ok, don't bother yourself, [sniff], you go out and enjoy yourself, I'll just sit here in the dark. By myself. Alone. Cold, alone and in the dark..."

(Disclaimer: I am Irish, I'm allowed to tell that joke)

Something seems to snap in the minds of certain people here when there's a wedding. It's a hideous combination of 'what will people think', various obligations both actual and imagined, a chance to run mad with the planning they didn't get to do because their parents ran rough shod over them and often, and most potently, a chance to make a huge fuss and really rub it in the face of so and so from church whose daughter married a consultant and had a huge doo in The Culloden.

You have my sympathy, and my respect because you're doing brilliantly and fighting your corner against a wall of guilt and manipulation. It feels horrible, I know, but better the large drama now than the steady drip of annoyance eating at you over years.

I can imagine my mum being like this. She was already picking out wedding dresses for me when I turned 18.

I gave told her under no circumst

I think there's a generational thing going on. My parents paid so felt they could decide everything. This is also what had happened to them - my grandparents paid for the reception and my parents had no control over it whatsoever. For my Mum, I think she felt it was her turn to have what she wanted this time. Was pretty awful. If I could go back then I'd have cancelled and waited longer until we could pay.

Believe me, this is not just an Irish thing. My Mother is English and as Narcissistic as they come. Buy yourself Karyl McBride's book "Will I ever be good enough?" and I bet you'll recognise your Mum.

When your mother says all she is doing is saying her opinion can you not say, it isn't your opinion that's important, it's mine. You've had your turn, this is my turn to decide

I had a Jewish mother who was just the same. "No, no, don't mind me, I'll just sit here and suffer quietly. I'm suffering here. I SAID I'M SUFFERING!"

I have had the conversation with both Jewish and Asian friends about the cliched but sometimes scarily accurate portrayals of Irish/Jewish/Chinese mamas. I read TIGER MOTHER like 'mmhmm, mhmm'.

Ahh, the Culloden...

Get married abroad then let her knock herself out.

Oh yes!! Strangely enough my parents got married in the Culloden 😂😂😂

If I do our relationship is over. Is a wedding really more important than my relationship with my parents? I know they love me more than anything and would do anything for me

If your parents loved you more than anything, then nothing you could do would make them want to end their relationship with you.

OMG I thought I recognized your Mum OP - she is Mammy Walsh........(Marion Keynes writes about her and her daughters a lot)...

YOUR wedding, YOUR choices (and your fiances' too of course). Refuse the money and do it your way. She'll get over it.

For me, the reason I wondered if it was Irish, was you said your parents live in another country (but still in the UK), the things that your mum wanted (like the dress being more fancy than the one you wanted) and the worrying about making the right impression (what would other people think?).
It sounded like what I imagine a traditional Irish wedding to be like.

I'm so glad you're standing your ground. How are things today?

Seriously cancel and have a lovely small non traditional wedding and pay for it yourself. My parents wanted to pay for ours and "expected" to. I said no thank you - and kept saying no thank you on repeat. 100% worth it.

Yes that is why I had my wedding on another continent and refused to take a penny for it! Desperate times = desperate measures. I think my mum was a bit hurt though but I couldn't have borne super traditional / the box ticking exercise it seems to be. Better than us falling out.

The only thing I would say is that it does seem to be a fairly standard cultural norm in NI to have a big traditional wedding with parents, parents' friends, tons of rellies etc involved and very rigid 'things that need to happen'. Even a lot of my friends surprised me with their adherence to quite old fashioned angles. Like having tea and coffee at arrival at reception, or the friend who nearly fainted because I didn't have a conventional cake... I guess what I'm saying is that maybe a lot of posters on here don't realise that this kind of very conservative, heavily parent-led arrangement is quite common here and seen as very normal - it doesn't necessarily mean your mum is a narc psycho out to destroy you. Although of course she might be. And you do have my sympathies because I couldn't have handled it.

Almost 50 years ago I was in your situation. If MN had been around then to give me the courage I could have saved myself a lot of heartache.

My mother played the victim until she died 18 months ago at 95. Like you I was told by her and everyone else what a wonderful mother she was. How much she loved me, how ungrateful I was. She spoilt so much of my life because I felt obligation to never speak up or comtracdict her. Like you, I refused to let my DH stand up for me, for fear of upsetting her. You have shown amazing courage but people like her will never let you forget. She need now to be strong and forbid her to spoil your life

placemark
What a fab idea to have tea and coffee at the arrival at reception!
The weddings I go to seem to offer fizz (I can't have alcohol) or orange juice (why oh why is that seen as an alternative..)

Yes head it is actually surprisingly lovely to have a nice cuppa and a biscuit at that time instead of launching straight into the booze!

It can be helpful to get sounding from another generation though. They can sometimes spot potential problems (and know if issues within the family that could cause problems) that's if you are inviting older relatives.

I wouldn't be able to go abroad now, for example, yet I dont think my DD is aware of this.