Wedding parent nightmare

[splatattack]

Hi...some advice needed. I am getting married in my home country (part of the UK), my parents are insisting on paying as they believe that is their role. I would ideally prefer something smaller but as they are paying and I decided to have it where they live it is a big 'traditional' wedding. I am happy with this but am still trying to plan the wedding based on mine and my partner's tastes. My parents have gone off and tried to organise things (accommodation, wine etc) without talking to me. I have been a little annoyed as I am happy to and would like to do those things myself. We have come to big blows today because matching suits for my father and the two best men won't work. They all live in different countries and are very different shapes so I told them just to each choose a suit they like and that fits well in a grey colour. This way everyone feels comfortable. They will all have the same colour shoes, same tie and I thought matching braces. My parents are completely refusing this idea as they have to all be matching. I have explained this won't work, and that it is more important to be that people feel comfortable but they have been shouting at me most of the day. I am being unreasonable and selfish. Why am I bothering to have a traditional wedding if I am not going to have matching suits...why don't I go get married in a field etc etc...there is a lot more to this argument as the fighting has been going on since we got engaged because I would like to plan my own wedding and my views just do not match theirs. AIBU to stick to my guns on this?

Oh good lord. My parents paid for pretty much all of our wedding save a few bits that me or DH already had cash set aside for. They didn't once announce that it had to be one way or another- they just came along and liked what I wanted to show them. Yes they paid, but they didn't get to choose how everything was just because they were the ones paying.

But you see I think the difference here is that my parents were happy to pay for whatever as long as they knew it would make me and DH happy to have it that way. They were happy if we were happy. Your parents sound bloody awful. If they wanted another re-run of their own wedding then they should have organised such an event. If they just want to pay for the wedding just because they think that they should, then they need to let you choose how you want things. Input is fine, dictating to someone how things should be on a day that, when all is said and done, is really not about them (regardless of whether they are paying!) is ridiculous.

I would suggest you tell them that if they don't let you plan your own wedding then you'll be cancelling and knickers to their deposits. Actually I'm not sure how it got this far- if they've always been like this about every aspect of it then why on earth didn't you tell them to do one when it started? I bloody would have! Actually I did have to- with DH's parents trying to organise "extras" that actually, we had already organised. Which they'd have known if they'd asked. More fool them for paying the deposit before doing so!!

Elope.

Yip. Elope.

I speak with a bitter voice of experience. Call it off and do it your way.

You will always look back on it with regret and it won't hold nice memories.

I have moved on but it took me a few years. I didn't hate my wedding but it wasn't very close to what my DH and I wanted. My Mum still goes on about how lovely it was, I just shut the conversation down now but I never look at the photos and I wish I had put my foot down at the time.

We paid for DDs wedding without any of this shenanigans, my parents paid for our wedding - I don't understand why people have to be so difficult about these things. Is there another member of the family who is more reasonable and would be able to help mediate this? If not, I would explain that if they can't compromise and accept some of the things that are important that you'll have to step away from it. It seems very sad that they're so controlling

This is really sad. Seriously, you need to tell them to back off or walk away. You also need to see if you can return you're dress and get the one you want.
What does you partner think?

*your!

There's a difference between parents saying "we want to give you the money to pay for your wedding", which is lovely and generous, and saying "we want to hold your wedding for you" which to me is more about control and getting their own way. Sounds as though your parents are doing very much the latter, and you shouldn't feel bad about rejecting that offer.

Thank you Nouveau, it helps to hear your story.

I am honestly not about the money, I just knew it would break them if I eloped as my other half and I discussed. Everything they do is out of love/because they want the best for me and my day...I have explained that their best isn't the same as mine. So every time I complain I am criticising the fact the love/care for me so much.

I have spoken to my OH and he has over heard the way my parents speak to me on the phone and tried to grab the phone to shout at them. I stopped him because if that happens our relationship with my parents will be over forever. They would never be able to forgive him for that. We are not the kind of family where our partners can do that. And my parents are not the kind to forget that....if we repair our relationship after the wedding they still wouldn't be able forgive him for taking a stand against him. So as a couple it would be strained for us forever and I don't think I can cope with that.

I am still deciding whether or not to cancel? If I do our relationship is over. Is a wedding really more important than my relationship with my parents? I know they love me more than anything and would do anything for me, I just wish they could let me live my life the way I want to without having to justify my decisions, and listen to phone calls where they criticise what I do and tell me that I cost them sleep because they are so worried about me. Things like my mum says in the past she has worried so much that I am not using contraception correctly so I might get pregnant out of wedlock, or that I am not making the right choices in my relationship. I am moving to another country and now that is causing sleepless nights. I don't ask them to worry...I don't ask them to have sleepless nights but yet I feel guilty?

Sorry for all the rambling...this is all coming out...

Dear mum and dad

I havesat down and looked at everything that has been planned. With the exception of (probably sfa but had to add in case) everything has been your choice, or if it is something I have said I wanted had to be your variation. I'm sure you both enjoyed planning your own big day, but it appears as you keep insisting that you want to pay for it all, I am not being allowed to do the same.

Due to this, df and I have decided to elope. As you have planned your idea of a perfect wedding, please feel free to use it all to renew your vows.

Cheers

Your dd and fiancé

Is a wedding really more important than my relationship with my parents

No a wedding isn't, but a marriage is. And turn the question around - why aren't they asking is a wedding really more important than our relationship with our daughter

They are making you feel guilty for making adult choices - relationships, marriage, emigrating etc - why is that? It's because they don't see you as an adult and they don't have any respect for you. This won't end when the horror of the wedding is over, they'll interfere on something new instead (probably children).

Please stand up for you and your fiancé at some point. It doesn't have to be over the wedding but you cannot let them run your life. I would let your fiancé speak to your parents and let them get upset. If they're so fragile that they cannot be challenged by other adults over their behaviour then they're not decent humans.

I'll stop projecting now

Can you send them some pictures for on weddings where this has been done, perhaps if they had a visual they made guy get on board. 100 layer cake blog is great for ideas.

I was a bit similar in that because lots of the wedding party already had their own kilts we went for matching ties, jackets, socks and buttonholes but not the kilt. It looked great. Stick to your guns.

You're fiance is more important than your parents. Your relationship when married should be stronger than the relationship with your parents.

Personally I'd cancel and elope.

Hi. I know a couple that have had similar issues. My advice would to be grateful, but frank and upfront. I.e. We're extremely grateful for your generosity, but we want to make the decisions. If that means you don't feel able to contribute then I'll understand. Bloody difficult situation though.

Remember that it's your fiance's wedding too. Agree that for the sake of your future marriage you cannot allow your parents to have so much control over your lives.
Imagine if you have children and the complete bloody nightmare they will be.

They aren't doing it out if love, they are controlling you. There is a huge difference here. You need to open your eyes. This is not loving behaviour.

Please think carefully. Also let your partner stick up to them if he wants. If this was reversed i can imagine what the responses would be.....

Yes nopartic your parents sound ace, that's exactly what I'd like to be like.

What does your fiance want to do? My concern is that you are a grown woman and you are still allowing your parents to absolutely steamroll you. The stress this is causing will definitely impact your relationship with your fiance. You say he can't confront your parents because they would never forgive them, but do you expect your fiance to just forget about all of their bullshit and play happy family even though they have been so disrespectful to you? Respect goes both ways. Perhaps you should remind your parents of that.

I think you need to know you're not responsible for the feelings of others when it comes to your ability to make choices for yourself as an adult in your own right. Your mum might choose to worry about your use of contraception for instance, but that's very much her choice to get upset or 'worried' and not your fault. It's none of her business how you manage your fertility and shouldn't be up for discussion, you are not a child. The idea that you can't take perfectly reasonable steps because it will jeopardise your relationship with your parents suggests that they are using emotional blackmail and care more about getting their own way than about your feelings. What would happen if you reversed the dynamic and said you would be distraught/disown them/etc if they didn't let you have the wedding that you and your fiancé want? I'm guessing it's one rule for them and another for you. This sounds incredibly difficult but it will put a strain on your marriage if your parents are allowed to dictate to you and by extension, dictate to your husband.

But they won't 'do anything' for you because they aren't listening to you or your DP!

The thing is, it's a little bit like giving in to a tantruming toddler because you love them.

They never learn that it's bad behaviour, because that behaviour is always effective at getting their own way.

So give in on the wedding, and then they'll always expect you to give in, because you've always accepted their bad behaviour.

Look further down the line to buying houses, organising a christening (or not) for your DC, decisions about where to spend Christmas Day, about parenting your child, about their schooling etc etc etc

My PILs are lovely but expect to be in charge. We gave in for a quiet life when we were first married which worked fine until we had children and we couldn't give in.

The relationship has been far more difficult ever since. My biggest regret is not drawing a line in the sand as soon as we got married.

It's not about falling out or confrontation, it's about being an adult and making your own choices.

If they love you as they and you say they do, will they really cut you off over this?

Because if so, that's a pretty pallid immitation of love.

Another one saying you should cancel now, have the wedding that you and OH want and pay for it yourselves. You will enjoy the day far more if you are doing what you actually want to do.

I think you are being quite unfair to.your fiance. You are telling him that your parents, their wants and wishes, come first over you but also him. I agree with the other posters saying that your marriage and relationship is more important.

If you don't take a stand now, your fiance may be posting on mumnet about toxic and controlling in laws and sadly the staple response to that is that df will have a spouse problem.

What!? they are trying to dictate about contraception in case you are pregnant for the wedding? You can't go on like this. If you let this go ahead they will interfere in your relationship forever more, and it will drive a wedge between you and your husband. If you let them pay for this wedding you wont't hear the last of it, after all they have done for you ect ect. What will they be like when DC come along? You have a new family now, your and your future DH who sounds supportive and willing to fight your corner. Go and get the dress you love, get down the registry office just you and him and enjoy your lives together. Do you want to look back at your wedding photos and have memories of a venue you didn't want, in a dress you didn't want, or pics of you and dh laughing outside a registry office with two fingers up?

Everything they do is out of love

No. It isn't.

It is out of a desire to look good in front of other people and not lose face.
It is out of a belief that you are theirs to control. That you should do as you are told.

TBH I would cancel it all, sod the money.
Set out your plan for the future right now.
(FOSLADY has the text message spot on.)

Then after you have moved away, have a quiet, dignified , joyful elopement, just you & your DH. Like you wanted all along.