Wedding parent nightmare

[splatattack]

Hi...some advice needed. I am getting married in my home country (part of the UK), my parents are insisting on paying as they believe that is their role. I would ideally prefer something smaller but as they are paying and I decided to have it where they live it is a big 'traditional' wedding. I am happy with this but am still trying to plan the wedding based on mine and my partner's tastes. My parents have gone off and tried to organise things (accommodation, wine etc) without talking to me. I have been a little annoyed as I am happy to and would like to do those things myself. We have come to big blows today because matching suits for my father and the two best men won't work. They all live in different countries and are very different shapes so I told them just to each choose a suit they like and that fits well in a grey colour. This way everyone feels comfortable. They will all have the same colour shoes, same tie and I thought matching braces. My parents are completely refusing this idea as they have to all be matching. I have explained this won't work, and that it is more important to be that people feel comfortable but they have been shouting at me most of the day. I am being unreasonable and selfish. Why am I bothering to have a traditional wedding if I am not going to have matching suits...why don't I go get married in a field etc etc...there is a lot more to this argument as the fighting has been going on since we got engaged because I would like to plan my own wedding and my views just do not match theirs. AIBU to stick to my guns on this?

It's difficult to argue isn't it?
Mine would say things like its up to you, let me know your decision...but if I gave the wrong answer I would be told oh well let you think about it...come back to me when..

My mum made the cake. Now I wanted frills on it, but she wanted to put icing strands on it. Now I know that it was more difficult to do the icing strands and it was a labour if love...but but...I really wanted frill. Yes I know it was beautiful...

I think it comes from a position of trying to please you - and possibly from the fact they would have had little say in their wedding so they do what they think their role as parents is.

There is a fine line I think in being asked for your opinion on a dress etc, and misjudging your comments. My daughter can tell that I'm not entirely convinced by my face and no attempt at "it's lovely dear" helps.

I told her to stop playing the victim, it isn't working. My brother and sister have warned her about her behaviour over the wedding, that it will push me over the age...but she hasn't listened and now this has happened.

She is now downstairs saying that clearly good intentions are the wrong thing to have. And that is it fair that I expect her not to have feelings about anything. That she puts everyone first before herself but no one does that for her...

How can I start with someone that is so far removed from the reality of the situation? This is why I need the constant reassurance of AIBU....

I have tried to explain how she has been controlling and now she is repeating it to my dad and making me sound like I am being infantile...

Then says she is going to go away somewhere for a while...I am punishing her and I am bitter...

Ignore. And go home.

She will never see that what she's doing is fucked up and that she's the perpetrator not the victim. You need some distance for your sanity!

You can't apply reason here because your mother is so unreasonable. You can see that by how she's acting now - how is dictating your wedding "putting you first".

Seriously run. Let her rage without being around and in that time set out calmly what you will do and present it as a take it or fuck off option. Nothing is up for negotiation as she's shown she can't be reasonable.

This is not love, it is control. Mainly through passive aggression, sometimes just aggression.

Does this resonate?

"emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationships with them. They know our vulnerabilities and our deepest secrets. They can be our parents or partners, bosses or coworkers, friends or lovers. No matter how much they care about us, they use this intimate knowledge to win our compliance." According to Forward and Frazier, fear, obligation and guilt ("FOG") are the tools of emotional manipulators.

I bet it does.

See the website outofthefog for more info.

Good luck, my mother was like this and it is a nightmare to deal with.

I don't hear you or your H2B in her response, only how SHE feels, how SHE needs to go away for a while. SHE is not the bride.

Trying to talk through it all now. Mum is sitting there looking damaged, maintaining that all she ever did was express her opinion. I am struggling to show any sympathy because I am bored of the victim card. Everything she has said/done she is replaying to me as if I have over reacted. So there is no winning here is there?

Keep at it. People like that don't suddenly have a moment where they realise they've been awful and apologise, it's just not how they work.

Your aim today isn't to get her to recant. It's to put a boundary down. It's a power play. You state your position. She is now retaliating by turning it back on you.

A win for you here is NOT her saying sorry (never gonna happen.) a win is you staying calm, doing the whole 'I'm sorry you feel that way, this is how it's going to work from now on' thing and NOT backing down.

Her current reaction is designed to get you to pull that boundary up. Don't do it.

No, the only way to win this game is to refuse to play. (You can thank the 80s cinematic masterpiece of War Games for that one!)

Just tell her it doesn't matter what her intentions were, the result is a wedding being planning that is what she wants but you and DP don't. So you are cancelling because there's no point you starting married life miserable - so cancel and you and dp will do your own planning, she'll get invited.

Don't try to reason with her, or discuss it.

Cancel.

Spend this weekend with dp working out what you can afford and what would be yours and his dream day. Arrange that and refuse to tell your parents any details.

None whatsoever.

You're being reasonable and she won't ever meat you with reasonable. She cannot back down without losing face, and to her losing face is to be avoided At All Costs. You already showed this by saying how important what everyone else thinks is to her.

Talking through it will, in my experience, get you nowhere aside from browbeaten into backing down. You're trying to get someone whose whole sense of self is so fragile to accept they may have behaved inappropriately/badly and that just won't happen - because if it does happen their whole ego falls like a house of cards.

She's still trying to manipulate you with the "looking damaged" and she's gaslighting you by saying she has only expressed an opinion when she wouldn't let you book the venue you wanted etc. Nothing good will come of engaging with her.

Stay strong.

Oh and let this be a lesson to you, you never discuss things with your parents at the planning stage where they can interfere, tell them "we have done x" not "we are thinking of doing x". (Eg you show them your new car, you don't tell them you are considering buying a new car. You show them the lounge you have painted, not that you are planning to redecorate. You have booked a holiday, not that you are booking a holiday etc)

You know that financial gifts will come with the understanding you will let them decide how it's spent so you don't accept money for a specific thing. And if/when you have dcs, don't accept free childcare or school fees paid for!

Oh god. I had this with my mother over my wedding. It came down to the fact that she thought people would be thinking/judging things that no one actually cared about but her. Can I guess your family are Irish.

You can't win here. Mainly because to them it's an ingrained game that is their life. While to you, you are trying to show the unreasonable reason.

Step away. The more you argue the more they will play the victim.

Can I guess your family are Irish
That's what I was wondering.

Keep your resolve OP, stay strong. You are not the one in the wrong here.

well its Your day, you want something to remember for all th RIGHT reasons ! n

OP you need to keep calm and keep those boundaries in. If you went ahead with their wedding you would regret it and more worrying is the start it sets out with your future husband. You have to prioritise your marriage over your parents appalling behaviour. This isn't love they are showing it's control and manipulation. Keep strong OP. This is more than just the wedding day this is about your future with your DP, do you really want to start out in married life with such negativity?

Kanet and Motoko...what gave it away??

My Mother can be really difficult with me and charming with other people. I am over 50 now and have only just in the past couple of years learned to put boundaries up. Our relationship has improved immensely and I don't feel that hideous combination of dread and guilt that I used to feel when I see her now. Funnily enough, the boundary setting came after a particularly vicious argument over my wedding. Cancel whatever she has planned, pay for it yourself and decide what you want. Your Mother will have to fall into line or stay away. Mine stayed away and later admitted that it was the biggest mistake she could make. Our relationship is so much better now that she understands that I won't tolerate her bad behaviour. I really wish that I had done it years ago.

Yes almost everyone I know in similar scenario is Irish too.

Why on earth is Ireland so different? I have lived away for 14 years...am I that out of touch? I just don't get it...

It's all about what distant relative might think!!!

I was going to guess Irish too! I think things are just more traditional here and a lot of people live in the same area for a long time and build up a huge network of friends/acquaintances that 'must' be invited. I lived in England for a long time and partly people are just more spread out. Your dad's work colleague's brother's friend is unlikely to travel 200 miles for your wedding but if they live down the road they'd love to come for the free bar!!

OP I could have written your posts - sure you're not me from a few years ago?!

Remember you and DP hold all the cards here - because without you there is no wedding. So your parents actually need you far more here than you need them. Keep this in mind.

I won't lie, it was scary telling my own controlling, wedding crazed parents that "it seems that what the neighbours think of this wedding is really worrying you. Perhaps we should hold the wedding in my home town instead."

But you know what, once they'd (metaphorically) picked themselves up off the floor, they got it. Grudgingly at first, but they got it.

This was as I mentioned above a while ago, and I look back on it now as a moment when, although unpleasant at the time, relations with DParents changed for the better.

You can do this too. I wish you luck, and a happy marriage!

To clarify my previous post: things didn't magically get better overnight just because I stood up to them once over some wedding plans. If only! With people like that it's always a work in progress. But it can be the beginning of you taking your life back, and believe me it feels good.

Ah, yes. Irish... I know this scene myself. Also the tears and the "poor me".

I´m really glad you are sticking up for yourself. Please cancel this wedding and create the wedding you want. Ignore the emotional blackmail. For all your parents love and "will do anything" for you, it appears to be only if that is exactly what they want. People who love do not cut each other out of their lives because of a disagreement. If they do this, then it´s not about love. But really, when the dust settles, is it not more likely that they will get over it and move on? Maybe they will even learn that you are no longer someone they can emotionally manipulate to do their will?