To request no kids on the wedding invites?

[Curlyhepburn]

The wedding is a while off yet but just planning now and it occurred to me that I dont know how to go about it, we have 3 kids of our own between us, youngest will be 13 at the time and we are both clear on not wanting very young kids/babies.

I know this isnt always popular with families and I wondered if its reasonable to include a note of this in the info card to go out with the invites?
Am I being daft?

Nothing wrong with a childfree wedding but please don't believe that "real friends will arrange childcare" rubbish.

We have very dear friends who had a child free wedding and DH and I drew straws to see which one of us would go. Youngest was two and oldest seven at the time and with no family to babysit it simply wasn't possible for us both to go. Bride and groom were fine with that.

Interestingly they are parents themselves now and if they are invited to a child free occasion neither one of them will go as they describe themselves as "a unit of three" and "we don't feel comfortable anywhere that little PFB isn't welcome". We always invite the whole family to our events so it's all fine.

If I got an invite adressed to me and my husband, with no mention of no kids, I'd assume that it meant the kids too.
Really?!

I've always been of the view that the invitation is for those NAMED on the invitation (but I would understand clarifying babies under 1).

I dislike invites that state who isn't invited because i feel it insults the guests' intelligence, but I'm starting to see why people need to do it.

If I got an invite adressed to me and my husband, with no mention of no kids, I'd assume that it meant the kids too.

I wouldn't assume that, but I'd be seeking clarification.

Yanbu.we had a child free and baby free wedding. Best decision ever. I completely understood if anyone couldnt come. Strangely everyone jumped at it even the bf mum who left dd with her parents. May sound tame but we needed up by a log fire with logs of people playing board games. Had several people years later saying one of the best nights ever (board games..no idea where they came from but think molopoly and teams playing it and wine and no one leaving ....in fact when i came down there were still two people playing in the morning)

My DB assumed everyone would know it was know kids, they didn't. Just spell it out, and don't take it to heart if a few parents bow out due to it

I think YABU here because you say people from the grooms side will be travelling for the wedding. If they're travelling with children they can't bring then I think you're asking a bit much of them.

I realise they don't have to accept but presumably they would like to see their relatives wedding.

**If I got an invite adressed to me and my husband, with no mention of no kids, I'd assume that it meant the kids too.

^^Really??? That is totally batshit

Yep happens round here (south east). I had an invite to my best friends wedding and children were more than welcome - but were not named on the invite in any way. I would ALWAYS make it crystal clear on the invite otherwise people will turn up with their children. unless you're me who prefers to go child free anyway

Unless you're inviting hundreds of guests that have children, I would send the invitation then call those who are parents and chat to them. Yes, it will be a bit time consuming, but hopefully you or your fiancé know them. You could divvy up the phone call list if it's quite a few.

I would be consistent though. My DD had a no children rule and one of her eldest friends really struggled for childcare, but managed it. At the wedding there were two flower girls, my DNeice's three DCs, 2 babies and a couple of other youngsters. My DD was a total bridezilla I seriously wondered how I could possibly be related and thought her friend needed a break from her kids Her friend was not amused.

I had a child free wedding. The only people who got huffy about it were some distant cousins of DH. Given I had never met them, and DH only saw them about once every 10 years we weren't bothered. They were an obligation invite, and I suspect they didn't want to waste a Saturday at the wedding of people they hardly knew and this was a convenient excuse not to come. Close family and friends had no issues with it at all.

With the benefit of many years hindsight I would say children at weddings add a really positive vibe. I'd have them at my next (if I have a next!).

2 15 year olds and a 13 year old so they don't need playmates tbh.
I maybe should have mentioned the hotel also has s/c holiday apartments on site which they allow wedding guests to have for the night at a room rate. Not sure if that would help anyones childcare situation?!

We have two DCs and if invites are addressed to Mr and Mrs Whoo with no mention of the DCs I assume they're not invited, sort a babysitter and go and get spangled with the grown ups. Weddings are lovely for DCs if there's space for them to move about and play, deadly dull if they're expected to sit through 57 courses, an hour of photography and then 3 hours of speeches involving sheep and dishonourable bridesmaids. Our DCs have sat through a couple of those and I could see their eyes screaming "help me, help me" as elderly Aunts pinched their cheeks and told them they've grown.

Weddings without DCs are lovely. Specifically omitting Dcs from invites and letting the parents know you'll be having a child-free wedding shouldn't cause upset.

Curly just ensure you communicate clearly no kids you can see from this thread unless you spell it out people make assumptions.
I don't see how the self catering apartment would help unless someone intended to bring their babysitter with them.

No problem with child free weddings but can we stop with the "parents can enjoy themselves" as if it is doing the parents a favour. if I want a child free night and enjoy myself I do not need to wait for a wedding invite and spend hundred doing so. If numbers are large then any decision you make will not seem fair you can just do the best you can and if that is no children that is fine.

We're doing this. Still in the planning stages, so invitations haven't gone out yet, but so far we're finding that our friends are great about it- completely understanding, saying they're looking forward to a child-free evening, and so on. Family, on the other hand, have been horrendous. We've had people tell the child and get it all excited, even though they know it's child-free, and then use the child's excitement and "devastation" as a way of piling the pressure on. We've had people putting pressure on our mothers because they think they're an easier target than us. We had an entire branch of the family we've decided not to invite at all because everyone thought they'd react so badly it wasn't worth it. We've got people willfully failing to understand why we're making an exception for small babies, and going on about how unfair it is to treat siblings differently. It has, absolutely without doubt, been more stressful and unpleasant than every other part of the planning put together and then some, and it has permanently changed the way I feel about some people.

Sorry, all that could completely put you off the idea and make you think it's easier just to give in. I don't want to do that, I should have just said "I feel your pain."

Of course you can have a child free wedding, just like people should be able to choose if they come to a child free wedding.

Are you having 11+ then.

Your wedding, your choice, but better to let people know now so they can plan accordingly.

A childfree wedding means we wouldn't be able to go (unless it was daytime only on a weekday when nursery is open!) as we have zero childcare available apart from nursery. So, do we aware that you'll be making it impossible for some people to attend and don't be upset/surprised about this.

the baby takes attention away from the bride's dress
I thought I was more than a decorative object when I got married.

I do like the idea of the "book your babysitter" suggestion. Please don't try to sell it as an opportunity for child free time. People could have elected to lease the children at home if that's what they wanted. I would decide how you accommodate parents of young babies (if at all).

I'd always assume that if my DC's names aren't on the invite, then they're not invited, however I think with some people you need to make it clearer than that.

Fwiw, even if my DC are invited to a wedding, I never take them. I organise a baby sitter. They'd be bored and although they're well behaved, I'd feel so bad if they did behave badly on someone's wedding day. I think child free weddings are fine as long as you accept some people may have to decline the invitation.

I don't understand what the apartments you mention will do to help. Do you mean people with children should book them to have the children nearby? Honestly, if people have to travel and you don't want children I would bend over backwards to make it easy- find some recommended babysitters, have a local family member volunteer a house multiple children can be minded at, suggest some parks etc for in between times , the next morning, take out menus for local places if they are interested. If you simply expect them to travel over, find something to do with their children in an unfamiliar place and party the night away you are being unreasonable. I also would never understand applying this policy to bf babies, it is saying ' I know I invited you but I am really uninviting you as i don't want you at my wedding enough to allow one tiny baby who can't be left. Sending you an invite was just token because telling you this straight up would be rude, and I'm really a nice person'. On that note, bugger how could you not call those people out on it!!

I would say it needs to explicitly say no children. The number of invites I have had that I have assumed are no children because they were not explicitly invited that have turned out to include the children. Would be ALL the invites that have not included the children on the wording. 2 of my cousins didn't include them on the invite but were expecting us all to come. As did 2 sets of friends. I don't know if this is just because they can't remember the kids names but I would specifically spell it out.

Your real friends will sort out childcare I don't agree with this

It's fine to have child free if that's your wish. Just make it v clear and accept that some people won't come. And don't dress it up as if you're doing them a favour by offering them a night out without kids

I think it's fine to say it's due to numbers.

Nothing wrong with saying no kids, unless it's a destination wedding. You should invite babies though. If you don't you are basically saying you don't want the mother there, especially if you know she is breastfeeding.

“They mean "don't just say "Dear John and Mary" and hope they'll realise that the absence of mention of children means they're not invited." Say something, anything, specific.”

This ^^. I don’t understand why some people are so rude about it. In my family we don’t have child free weddings. It is a given that children are included, so you can’t assume that children aren’t included unless you spell it out.

Making a big deal out of child free weddings is only a recent thing as people are leaving it longer to get married, have children before getting married or are having second weddings. I have been to weddings where there weren’t any children, but they weren’t intentionally child free. There simply weren’t any children to not invite.

Given your update OP, I think you may get a lot of flak from your partner’s family if it means travelling and an overnight stay. Getting childcare for that length of time will probably not be doable for them.

Your wedding so your call. Ditto advice about young babies.
Though I think some worries / perceptions about weddings and children are somewhat overstated.
We had loads of children at ours , mainly family coming from a distance and my young daughter. We organised children's tables for those old enough to eat alone and high chairs for younger ones. When we were having the speechy bit we organised a magic man to entertain in another room.
Later we organised babysitters for those wanting to leave children later in the evening.
That was how I wanted it. Whilst there were other issues with the wedding , children weren't one of them.

stop with the "parents can enjoy themselves" as if it is doing the parents a favour.

Yeah, I agree with this. If you have a limited number of times you can get babysitters for a full day event, I think I'd like to do something more than attend a wedding.

And paid childcare for a full day would be hard to come by away from home and add a considerable cost. It really is a favour they'd be doing the bride and groom rather than the other way round.