To say my mother is a total cow!

[MistyBlue54321]

Sick of my inlaws only wanting to be involved when it suits them! DD is 16 weeks and MIL has only bothered to come see her 3 times (one was at a family event) I want to tell he to fuck off that she wants to take DD out for the day so that she can pretend she is this doting grandma to random people (I bet she then posts a million photos on social media) I've spoken to DP but obviously with it being his mother it's a touchy subject. It's really begging to boil my blood!

Sorry that should say mother in law (definitely not my mother she is amazing)

Err, I think there must be a history here!

3 times in 16 weeks doesn't seem that bad to me, hence the feeling that there's other stuff going on that has coloured your judgement.

Have you asked them for help previously and they've refused, OP?

You sound somewhat overwrought from what sounds quite innocuous behaviour

I don't think it's a good idea for you to hand over a 4 month old baby to anyone for the day especially to a person the baby has not built up a relationship with. If you were returning to work then hopefully there would be some settling in days with the new carer but this seems like it will be a one off outing so 'no' you are not being unreasonable to refuse MiL's request, MistyB.

You seem very angry. How often do you think she should come?!! You are a new mum - I wouldn't call someone giving you space to enjoy your new born 'a cow'. And thinking that you should tell them to 'fuck off' is not nice. I would say they were being polite by keeping their distance and letting you and their DS enjoy your new baby DD.

Sounds like there is some big back story you are not telling or you are suffering from PND.

Is there more to this OP? Does your MIL have to travel to you? How is your relationship pre DC? Etc etc...

3 times in 16 weeks is a bit less than once a month. How much help do you expect your DP's mum to give to you in the newborn days? Chances are if she came more often you'd complain about her smothering you! Also like it or not she isn't your mum - she probably doesn't want to help/see you in any meaningful way, just her gc.

Don't use your dd to punish her by the way. That's petty. If you have a problem with your DP's mum then put your big girl pants on and tell her, don't deny her visits to her gc.

Surely there has to be a massive drip feed coming? Otherwise your massively overreacting

I feel the same way, my daughters grandparents (dads side) live 45 minutes away and we see them every other week taking it in turns travelling, she's 6 months. Newborn they saw us less to give us time after the initial first week of wanting to see her, we saw them once a month for 2/3 months. We see my parents twice a week - they live about 3 streets up.

But...

My sons grandparents (different dad) they only see him when you bother to take him and it's literally a 9 minute drive (I've timed it) so they probably see him once every 3 months as I resent been the one having to make all the effort - they wanted to take him to a party with family from that side - who are all for show social media - sharing my posts about how he's a lovely/gorgeous boy (and haven't seen DS for 3 years but that's another thread) and I said no as I couldn't bear to watch false crap about my son been their world etc

I don't expect help from her what so ever, my amazing parents and partner help when ever I need it.
I don't like the way she thinks she can see DD willy milly when she sees her other grand children all most weekly!
She told my sister in law that she feels in competition with my mum but that is not the case what so ever - either grandparents can see DD whenever they like!
I basically live with her blue eyed boy who can't do no wrong and she hates me almost as much as I hate her

I will also say the 3 times in 16 weeks these have been once when DD was born, once at a family function (her other grandchilds birthday) and once at her DDs birthday meal. She never makes the effort to spend time with just DD only if it suits her plans

Sounds fine to me but depends on how far she lives from you, how much she sees other GC, etc. As you have not mentioned FIL, I assume she is alone?

Nope not alone her husband is still very much around (also has no interest in DD)

Charming

I would be trying to build bridges as it's going to be a very long 18 years...

Cross posts.

You hate each other, so there you have it.

I wouldn't at that age anyway but I don't like my babies away from me when they are so little, She also hasn't built a relationship with her yet to take her out on her own.

You hate each other.
So why would she or you want to spend more time together?
You cannot expect somebody you hate to come and see you all the time thats just odd.
If you want her to see DD more then you both need to build bridges you cannot lay all the blame and responsibility at her door.

You hate your MIL, do you think she can't tell she's not welcome?

How would you be posting if she came around every week?

Then why focus on just MIL? It's your PIL that are the issue.

I get why you are upset. DHs family are useless and uninterested but also 200 miles away so I have learnt to ignore it. If your ILs are nearby (sounds like they are) then disparities between the way your GC are being treated will deepen. If I were you I would work out whether your relationship can be improved. You and MIL 'hating' each other won't be a good basis for a relationship with your child and MIL.

Maybe she does feel in competition with your mum? You have so much anger towards her I doubt she hasn't picked up on it. Everything you've said doesn't seem to warrant calling her a cow and a need to fuck off. How about inviting her over and trying to build bridges? She clearly enjoys being a grandma and perhaps struggles with you? If that's too much of a challenge suggest she and your DH and you DD do something nice together.

My dc weren't away for me til well over a year - and that was their df taking them to his dps. .
No way does she need to have your dd for the day if you aren't happy with it.
If you don't like them just leave the visits to your dh, he can take her. You won't regret it. .

Sick of my inlaws only wanting to be involved when it suits them!

Isn't that the luxury of being a grandparent?

Some people are baby people and others really aren't. Plus, you have your mum and maybe she's trying not to get in the way. My inlaws see dc every 3 months ish (sometimes longer) and my grandmother sees us about twice a year (she's 92 and can't travel but lives 3 hours away). Dc adore all their grand and great grandparents.

You don't have to have a weekly rota and do regular babysitting to be a grandparent

Does she possibly feel she's not welcome to ask to visit or spend time with her?

I forgot to add that you aren't obliged to let her have your DD for the day.

It can be harder being a grandparent to DIL's children as you tend to be less close than a daughter, it can take more effort (not always).