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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to take my son to this event?

436 replies

ShadeOfRed · 23/08/2017 16:39

Ive name changed incase this is identifiable.

I have a 9yo DS. His dad and I split up when he was 6 months old, and he has been with his now wife since DS was 1. We all get on fairly well.

About 4 years ago, my son's stepmum started taking him to a martial arts class on a weekly basis. She also started having lessons herself so she could help him practice, which I obviously appreciate. I have never really been involved with it because it has very much been their 'thing' with DS and has always been done on their time with him. His stepmum takes him to 2 lessons a week and also practices at home with him. I should add that they have paid for all of this (I'm guessing actually his stepmum pays as she is the high earner).

Anyway, a few years later and it turns our DS is VERY good at this and has been invited to take place in a sort of showcase/tournament overseas in a city I have always wanted to visit. The event is on a weekend that DS is with me and my husband so I want us to take him and make a bit of a holiday out of it. We would also take my two younger daughters (who I have had with my current DH) and my mum who can babysit them when we watch the event.

When my ex told me the dates I said I would get back to him to let him know if we could swap weekends, and I have now let him know that actually DH and I will be taking DS. He has gotten really upset about it (apparently his wife, my son's stepmum, is in tears) as they wanted to be there to cheer him on. There are only 2 tickets allocated per child so we can't all go, and as well as we all get on I really wouldn't want to spend a whole 3 day even with them.

I honestly don't think I am doing anything wrong as it is my weekend with my DS and I am not obliged to swap. He has never competed in an event like this before and I think it's important for him to see his mum in the crowd cheering him on! But I mentioned this to my sister and she seems to think IABU and she has made me doubt myself. Should I be letting his dad and stepmum take him?

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 23/08/2017 18:39

Woooo I can not believe I've finally read a thread where an op has asked if they are being u everyone says yeah a bit and the op turns around and goes oh bugger I am being aren't I and fixes it.

Your ds is going to be made up to have you all there. Absolutely made up.

Amazing example of co parenting right there

Nocabbageinmyeye · 23/08/2017 18:40

You are right it does make you sound awful. You are leeching off the "childless" woman who has banked rolled and supported your ds in his activity and using her and the opportunity as a cheap weekend and dressing it up (poorly) as it being for your ds. I'd bet a kidney if it was in some shitty city an hour up the motorway you wouldn't give a shit about going or about changing your weekend

BarbarianMum · 23/08/2017 18:42

Nocabbage rtft

OP good solution Smile

GahBuggerit · 23/08/2017 18:43

If you're insisting on sharing the tickets the sm should still be going to every event as she's the one who's supported him, I don't mean this horribly but the truth is you're just swooping in last minute to use the situation for a nice little cheap holiday imo (you mentioning that money is no concern to her is a dead giveaway)

Mind you the sm sounds very gracious so even if it enters her head it doesn't sound like she'd ever hold it against you. Would just be something you'd need to square off with yourself I guess.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 23/08/2017 18:46

BarbarianMum I did, I was replying to op's last update and I disagree about it being a good update hence my post

Deemail · 23/08/2017 18:46

That's a fab result. Stop beating yourself up, it's harder to back down and admit wrong than to keep ploughing ahead

Go to the event and enjoy. To pull out would be silly and leave a bad taste. Going and supporting your ds as one United group who all love him is an amazing experience and one when he's much older that will mean a lot to him.

Sparkletastic · 23/08/2017 18:47

What a fantastically civil outcome and how lovely for DS to have his whole family there to support him.

RestlessTraveller · 23/08/2017 18:47

I'm sorry op but I think you should back out all together. I'm cringing that you're taking advantage of the cheaper room, it's you showing up and taking the perks of it, and the fact that she's so nice to offer it to you is just adding to the embarrassment,

Also you sound horribly judgemental of childless people.

Nikephorus · 23/08/2017 18:48

Well I'm glad that OP has seen sense & while it seems a bit unfair on (super-wonderful) SM, I guess if DS is chuffed to have everyone there then it's the right thing. Maybe follow Gah's idea about SM going to every event (or most) - nothing to stop OP & SM sitting together to watch a few times.
3 cheers for SM though Star Halo

TallulahBetty · 23/08/2017 18:52

GahBuggerit LOL no i didn't mean you! Unfortunate juxtaposition posts, your username and my 'gah' ranting Grin

mummmy2017 · 23/08/2017 18:52

If I was the SM, I would be so thrilled you had sorted out that both her DSS's families get to go.
You could have kicked off big style and yet what do you do phone say sorry and no the SM and D got.
She has shown that she is happy to let you take the room at the hotel and by you being there she will also get to have time with her H and also know the child has support.
It's a win all round, and means over the years you will be able to sort other big events like adults, being able to call and say woops sorry my mistake makes you a supermum in my eyes.

Original poster
ShadeOfRed · 23/08/2017 18:52

If you're insisting on sharing the tickets the sm should still be going to every event as she's the one who's supported him, I don't mean this horribly but the truth is you're just swooping in last minute to use the situation for a nice little cheap holiday imo (you mentioning that money is no concern to her is a dead giveaway

I'm not going to deny that. Of course I want to go to be there for my son, I am so proud of him, but I won't pretend I don't want a holiday as well. No point in trying to hide that.

But please let me explain about the money thing a bit more - all of the discounted rooms are discounted family rooms, for 2 adults and 2 children (as they don't do rooms for 2 adults and 1 child). My youngest will sleep in a travel cot. Ex and his wife will be able to find a double room somewhere else in the city for the same price I will be paying for the discounted family room. So the only additional cost they are paying is for one extra flight. For someone who earns a decent salary, this is not much of an additional cost. That's the point I was trying to make.

By ex and his wife paying for one extra flight (one flight each opposed to one being paid for by event and one by them), my DS gets to have his entire family there with him. I can probably cover the cost of her extra flight if they are happy to let me do it in instalments so that she is not out of pocket at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShadeOfRed · 23/08/2017 18:54

Also appreciate your comments about her going to every event and I will let her know that. I'll go to some, ex can go, and I'm sure my DH would want to go to some too. But I can see that she should go to all.

OP posts:
dertyyuoih2 · 23/08/2017 18:56

I think that's it's totally amazing that you can all get on so well together and that you are all one unit supporting your DS. It's lovely that he so many people that genuinely love him and can all be a united front to support him. He will certainly grow up to be a well rounded individual.

It's not often that families can get on so well, I do envy it and wish my DSS could have had that in his life.

NapQueen · 23/08/2017 18:59

and has been invited to take place in a sort of showcase/tournament overseas in a city I have always wanted to visit

So this is why you now want to be involved? Because you want to visit this city? Go. Visit the city. But taking those two tickets off his dad and DSM would be cruel.

Goingtobeawesome · 23/08/2017 19:00

Saying it isn't about money for the step mum makes no sense and has no relevance.

GahBuggerit · 23/08/2017 19:01

In that case op I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. Star

mummmy2017 · 23/08/2017 19:04

Forget everthing else, the child is thrilled to have everyone there to see him at this event. He will be so happy not having to take sides that what does it matter about money, it was the SM who said you take the family room and we will get a double near by, so she must be happy about doing it.
Sometimes a childs happiness can override monetary considerations.

OliviaBenson · 23/08/2017 19:04

I'm sorry but I also don't think the update is great.

You are using your son for a cheap jolly. It's not their problem they have more money than you.

This isn't about your sons achievement at all.

And it's childfree not childless.

NapQueen · 23/08/2017 19:05

Four years in and this is the first time you are showing support to your son over this hobby?

mickeysminnie · 23/08/2017 19:05

Weren't you going to pay for your mum to come so she could babysit??
I would think that 'stepmum' should go to every event, she has likely been going to events with your ds on a regular basis and will know the score, where he needs to be, what he needs to have etc.
As a result you won't need your mum to go as only you or your dh will be able to go to the event with 'stepmum'
So I think you should pay for ALL your family's flights apart from your son's.
What 'stepmum' earns is none of your business.
To be honest you come across as incredibly grabby.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 23/08/2017 19:08

Well done OP I hope you all have a great weekend away.

elliejjtiny · 23/08/2017 19:14

Yabu. It is your Ds and his step mum's thing, please don't ruin it for her.

Finch82 · 23/08/2017 19:14

@ShadeOfRed awww lovely result!
I don't think I've ever read through such a unanimous thread against the OP and I was super impressed with the humility in which you faced all the criticism on here. Your son's sm sounds great, and you do too! Hope you all have an amazing trip!

theymademejoin · 23/08/2017 19:19

I think the key statement in your op is that it is in a city you've always wanted to visit. If you had any interest in supporting him in the sport, then surely you would have attended some competitions previously?

I think yabu. It sounds like you are using this as an opportunity to see a city you want to go to and trying to justify by claiming it's to offer support to your son. Real support is going to the events in crappy halls in the middle of nowhere, not waiting until a prestigious event in a cool location to turn up and cheer.

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