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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to take my son to this event?

436 replies

ShadeOfRed · 23/08/2017 16:39

Ive name changed incase this is identifiable.

I have a 9yo DS. His dad and I split up when he was 6 months old, and he has been with his now wife since DS was 1. We all get on fairly well.

About 4 years ago, my son's stepmum started taking him to a martial arts class on a weekly basis. She also started having lessons herself so she could help him practice, which I obviously appreciate. I have never really been involved with it because it has very much been their 'thing' with DS and has always been done on their time with him. His stepmum takes him to 2 lessons a week and also practices at home with him. I should add that they have paid for all of this (I'm guessing actually his stepmum pays as she is the high earner).

Anyway, a few years later and it turns our DS is VERY good at this and has been invited to take place in a sort of showcase/tournament overseas in a city I have always wanted to visit. The event is on a weekend that DS is with me and my husband so I want us to take him and make a bit of a holiday out of it. We would also take my two younger daughters (who I have had with my current DH) and my mum who can babysit them when we watch the event.

When my ex told me the dates I said I would get back to him to let him know if we could swap weekends, and I have now let him know that actually DH and I will be taking DS. He has gotten really upset about it (apparently his wife, my son's stepmum, is in tears) as they wanted to be there to cheer him on. There are only 2 tickets allocated per child so we can't all go, and as well as we all get on I really wouldn't want to spend a whole 3 day even with them.

I honestly don't think I am doing anything wrong as it is my weekend with my DS and I am not obliged to swap. He has never competed in an event like this before and I think it's important for him to see his mum in the crowd cheering him on! But I mentioned this to my sister and she seems to think IABU and she has made me doubt myself. Should I be letting his dad and stepmum take him?

OP posts:
SandyDenny · 23/08/2017 19:19

Some people are never happy, OP has realised and freely admitted she was wrong (I hope all the posters shouting reverse will admit they were wrong too), found a compromise solution and still people are criticising.

There's no solution that will suit everyone but a good outcome has been achieved imo.

Good luck to your DS

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 23/08/2017 19:19

What Finch said!

SheSaidHeSaid · 23/08/2017 19:19

What a lovely update and it's just really nice to hear that you all have such a good relationship with one another and are all in it for the kids' best interest.

Brittbugs80 · 23/08/2017 19:20

I think you need to step aside and let his Dad and Stepmum take him. They've done this for him from the beginning and paid for it and you said yourself, it's their thing.

You said you don't have to swap your weekend and that sounds really petty with the only ones getting hurt are your Son and his Stepmum.

Can't you book to go away to the same place at the same time and then have a meal out altogether after?

theymademejoin · 23/08/2017 19:25

Oops. Saw your update. Glad you worked something out.

MrsFezziwig · 23/08/2017 19:37

Nocabbageinmyeye and everyone else who is determined to have their pound of flesh despite the fact that the OP has admitted she was in the wrong - can you not see how much happier it would make DS to have his whole family there to cheer him on rather than just half of it?
Stepmum is v generous and for once a good result on AIBU - and a demonstration to certain posters that reading the full thread never comes amiss?

Batteriesallgone · 23/08/2017 19:52

I was in agreement with nocabbage but can see the DS will probably want his whole family there.

Just remember OP that he's been into this for four years and you've been to how many competitions?

If you go to this one in a holiday city and then leave it another four years / until he goes somewhere great again before you show support he'll see right through you.

Going to this means getting involved and enthusiastic about the sport long term I reckon. Otherwise he'll feel used when he works it out.

RaspberryRuffless · 23/08/2017 19:55

It comes across like it's all about getting a cheap holiday, have you been to any other events/practices? You're only able to get a "cheap holiday" because of the time and money your ds stepmum has put in.

It's good that you can agree to all be there and share the tickets since it'll probably be nice for your ds to see you all there, but seeing your ds preform seems second to having a holiday.

RaspberryRuffless · 23/08/2017 19:56

*perform

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/08/2017 20:07

Yabu. You can visit that city another time.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/08/2017 20:09

Ah, pleased to see your update.

LellyMcKelly · 23/08/2017 20:20

YABVU. It's the thing he has done with his step mum. She pays for it and she even does the lessons too, and they practice together. She has an interest in the sport too and would enjoy attending and watching all of it - she might even have the opportunity to learn something and meet sportspeople she has heard about or admired. You have never even been to watch him at a single lesson and now you want to be there to claim all the glory. No wonder she's in tears. Can you not go and celebrate with him after? Or see if you can get extra tickets? This is really hers and your DS' moment, not yours.

LellyMcKelly · 23/08/2017 20:22

Oops sorry OP. Well done. You did the right thing.

crikeycrumbsblimey · 23/08/2017 20:22

OP can I just suggest you read up on his hobby if you haven't already or ask SM to talk to you about it when you are there.

Not to put you off but it can be REALLY difficult to follow this stuff (I've done an impressive perplexed fool in the past myself) and is worth trying to understand it in advance so you can support your DS.

If you can understand the scoring system it is a good start by which I mean know how many points (if it's a point one) they need to win.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 23/08/2017 20:26

MrsFezziwig I'm not determined to have a pound of flesh, I can see her ds will be happy which is ultimately the most important thing but that doesn't get away from the fact that the op has been spectacularly cheeky and actually she doesn't seem to care if it's the right outcome for her ds once she gets her cheap weekend on the back of a very nice woman whom I feel sorry for, everyone is saying it's a good result but mainly for the op, what about the sm

DancesWithOtters · 23/08/2017 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Belleende · 23/08/2017 20:39

shade the classiest thing anyone can ever do is put their hands up, admit they are wrong and find a workable solution. Your son is lucky to be surrounded by so many people who care for him and will put his needs first. Your son wants you all there, if there is a way to accommodate that and not put anyone's nose out of joint, then that is absolutely the right and classy thing to do.

Imamouseduh · 23/08/2017 20:47

YABU and mean. You can visit the city whenever you like. Let him go with his dad and stepmum.

saveusername · 23/08/2017 20:51

YABU, very actually. Had you of taken him each week (or even sometimes!) had you of paid for it, then you might be being reasonable. But doesn't sound like you have. This is their thing, and I am not surprised they are upset. I would be too.

Why not say you have had a rethink and realise how important it is to them, and let them go, ask for them to record it so you and your ds and family can watch it together afterwards so he can share his experience with you as well

NSEA · 23/08/2017 20:57

I am so surprised that you don't see how mean you are being

ChocolateRicecake · 23/08/2017 21:05

Well done OP. Nice to hear someone being honestly humble over their unreasonableness and that all four parents can work well together.

I missed that it was overseas rather than in same country. Hope you all have a lovely time and that your DS does well!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 23/08/2017 21:06

FFS

READ THE FUCKING THREAD STUPID LAZY PEOPLE

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 23/08/2017 21:07

Not you chocolate Grin

Fuckwhathaveidone · 23/08/2017 21:09

I'm really glad you came around op. It's so lovely when families can co parent and do it well

FabulouslyGlamorousFerret · 23/08/2017 21:11

Lucky son having such a nice set of families xx

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