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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to take my son to this event?

436 replies

ShadeOfRed · 23/08/2017 16:39

Ive name changed incase this is identifiable.

I have a 9yo DS. His dad and I split up when he was 6 months old, and he has been with his now wife since DS was 1. We all get on fairly well.

About 4 years ago, my son's stepmum started taking him to a martial arts class on a weekly basis. She also started having lessons herself so she could help him practice, which I obviously appreciate. I have never really been involved with it because it has very much been their 'thing' with DS and has always been done on their time with him. His stepmum takes him to 2 lessons a week and also practices at home with him. I should add that they have paid for all of this (I'm guessing actually his stepmum pays as she is the high earner).

Anyway, a few years later and it turns our DS is VERY good at this and has been invited to take place in a sort of showcase/tournament overseas in a city I have always wanted to visit. The event is on a weekend that DS is with me and my husband so I want us to take him and make a bit of a holiday out of it. We would also take my two younger daughters (who I have had with my current DH) and my mum who can babysit them when we watch the event.

When my ex told me the dates I said I would get back to him to let him know if we could swap weekends, and I have now let him know that actually DH and I will be taking DS. He has gotten really upset about it (apparently his wife, my son's stepmum, is in tears) as they wanted to be there to cheer him on. There are only 2 tickets allocated per child so we can't all go, and as well as we all get on I really wouldn't want to spend a whole 3 day even with them.

I honestly don't think I am doing anything wrong as it is my weekend with my DS and I am not obliged to swap. He has never competed in an event like this before and I think it's important for him to see his mum in the crowd cheering him on! But I mentioned this to my sister and she seems to think IABU and she has made me doubt myself. Should I be letting his dad and stepmum take him?

OP posts:
GetOutOfMYGarden · 23/08/2017 18:13

YABU. It comes across as you only supporting him in it now he's getting recognition for his ability.

His DSM is the one who was taking him. She's put the leg work in and it's bonding for her and your DS.

emilybrontescorset · 23/08/2017 18:14

Great outcome.
Again you are very lucky your ex is with this woman.

impossible · 23/08/2017 18:14

Just read it Bigold Clearly my thoughts are unnecessary.

Well done ShadeOfRed - your son is a lucky boy all round.

AudacityJones · 23/08/2017 18:15

What a lovely update OP! Good on you! Your son (and daughters) are lucky to have such sensible parents.

GahBuggerit · 23/08/2017 18:15

Umm Tallulah it was a misread of the op.

You OTOH have clearly not rftf otherwise you'd have seen my post about a minute later apologising.

Apology accepted Grin

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 23/08/2017 18:15

Nocabbageinmyeye I agree, I think OP has still got it wrong and the stepmum is really really really gracious and selfless.

On the other hand, this is probably the best outcome for the child - he gets to show off his skill in front of both 'sides' of his family.

Pantryboy · 23/08/2017 18:16

Excellent work OP well done slap on the back for you my dear !
Have a great time and it is wonderful to see you all getting on so well!

2017SoFarSoGood · 23/08/2017 18:17

Lovely update, but for one comment you made upthread OP

'She is childless.'

No, she is not. She sounds like a very, very lovely and loving Stepmum to your DS. She's done the work to deserve that name. If you process that in your mind, it may actually help you make the right decision first in future.

That apology dinner sounds like a great idea.

GahBuggerit · 23/08/2017 18:17

Nocabbage - no I think the same tbh

FanwankTheAbsurd · 23/08/2017 18:18

Yay! Well done OP.

impossible · 23/08/2017 18:19

Sorry just read update! Well done OP. Your ds is a lucky boy.

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 23/08/2017 18:19

That's a relief OP. Good for you backtracking like that, not easy.

Your DS is going to be so pleased that his whole family are coming to cheer him on! Sharing the tickets is a great idea.

Win, win.

Doctorwhosit · 23/08/2017 18:21

I'm so impressed by you, OP. I want to be you when I grow up. Well done.

GahBuggerit · 23/08/2017 18:22

Lol Tallulah I've just realised you didn't mean me Gah you meant just gah! I wondered why you picked on me!

Apologies!

Belleende · 23/08/2017 18:23

Well done. Classy ladies the pair of you

FilledSoda · 23/08/2017 18:27

No Nocabbage you are not alone , it's still a bit shit in my opinion too.

Frouby · 23/08/2017 18:27

Lovely AIBU thread. Well done OP, you have been very gracious.

Maybe the flowers could come from your ds as a thank you for being a lovely stepmum and supporting him with this? I hope he does fabulously well and you all have a good time.

Original poster
ShadeOfRed · 23/08/2017 18:28

Belleende I don't feel particularly classy right now! But I've spoken to DS and he is so excited we are all going to be there. I completely acknowledge how lucky he is to have her, she's a gem and really does love him. Honestly I've been paranoid about him loving her more than me and that's probably affected how I've acted too. But it doesn't matter because he has four parents who love him to bits and will be there to cheer him on.

OP posts:
InvisibleKittenAttack · 23/08/2017 18:29

I'm afraid I also think you should step out of this altogether and let this be entirely DS going away with his dad and step-mum. They have made this such a part of his life, they should get to do the whole trip, not just tag along on your trip.

It's shit you can't afford to go another weekend without the discount for the event, but the discount is only there due to the work the step-mum put in.

This should be entirely a dad/step-mum and boy trip, not his event tagged onto a family holiday.

Cancel completely, do something else with your dcs, go the city another time just you and DH.

You are seeing this as a family holiday, it shouldn't be a family holiday, it should be entirely about DS and his step-mum. Even if they stay elsewhere and watch him compete, it'll still not be about him and her relationship.

Do the right thing. Cancel going.

TheSquatLobster · 23/08/2017 18:31

Congrats Red on accepting people's comments here and contacting DS's stepmum with such grace. That takes character.

Your DS is very lucky to have such a special mum, and such a special stepmum too. Hope you all have a brilliant time, and he thoroughly enjoys taking part in the competition knowing all his family are united in their support for him.

Hulababy · 23/08/2017 18:33

Glad it all got sorted and that your DS is happy too.

FilledSoda · 23/08/2017 18:33

The stepmum is forgoing the cheap accommodation that comes with the event and having to find alternative hotel as she is childless and it will be cheaper for her ?????
Even though she has bankrolled the entire thing for years?
I cant understand why everyone is saying ' well done' .
I don't get it.
You shouldn't be going at all .

Original poster
ShadeOfRed · 23/08/2017 18:33

Do the right thing. Cancel going

I get what you're saying but surely it is better for my DS to have all of us there than only two? I'm willing to concede and take a massive step back on the trip, let them have their moment. But I don't see the harm in us being there too.

And I know it's cheeky accepting the discounted room but I can guarantee his stepmum won't see it like that - she earns a considerable amount more than me (well into six figures). The trip is pennies to her. I know that makes me sound awful but I'm just saying it won't be about the money for her.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 23/08/2017 18:35

Ah, great result!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 23/08/2017 18:38

Well, I think it's lovely that you are all going, as one big family, it will make happy memories for your DS, well done !
You were brave to come back, but your update is heart warming.
Don't forget to send the flowers, she deserves them.