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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to take my son to this event?

436 replies

ShadeOfRed · 23/08/2017 16:39

Ive name changed incase this is identifiable.

I have a 9yo DS. His dad and I split up when he was 6 months old, and he has been with his now wife since DS was 1. We all get on fairly well.

About 4 years ago, my son's stepmum started taking him to a martial arts class on a weekly basis. She also started having lessons herself so she could help him practice, which I obviously appreciate. I have never really been involved with it because it has very much been their 'thing' with DS and has always been done on their time with him. His stepmum takes him to 2 lessons a week and also practices at home with him. I should add that they have paid for all of this (I'm guessing actually his stepmum pays as she is the high earner).

Anyway, a few years later and it turns our DS is VERY good at this and has been invited to take place in a sort of showcase/tournament overseas in a city I have always wanted to visit. The event is on a weekend that DS is with me and my husband so I want us to take him and make a bit of a holiday out of it. We would also take my two younger daughters (who I have had with my current DH) and my mum who can babysit them when we watch the event.

When my ex told me the dates I said I would get back to him to let him know if we could swap weekends, and I have now let him know that actually DH and I will be taking DS. He has gotten really upset about it (apparently his wife, my son's stepmum, is in tears) as they wanted to be there to cheer him on. There are only 2 tickets allocated per child so we can't all go, and as well as we all get on I really wouldn't want to spend a whole 3 day even with them.

I honestly don't think I am doing anything wrong as it is my weekend with my DS and I am not obliged to swap. He has never competed in an event like this before and I think it's important for him to see his mum in the crowd cheering him on! But I mentioned this to my sister and she seems to think IABU and she has made me doubt myself. Should I be letting his dad and stepmum take him?

OP posts:
LuLuuuuuuu · 23/08/2017 17:51

Great to hear OP

Have a wonderful time, all of you, and best of luck to your DS

ALittleMop · 23/08/2017 17:52

Sorry X post
I'm glad it's resolved

SchadenfreudePersonified · 23/08/2017 17:53

You are being very, very U!

If it wasn't for all of the time and money and LOVE that his step-mam invited in him, your DS would never have even realised that he had a gift and a passion for this martial art.

I can totally understand why you want to be there - you are proud of him and want him to know it - but so are they, and they are the ones who have worked with him to achieve this. It is THEIR moment, not yours!

You can tell him how much you support him, and how proud you are of him, You on't need to be on the spot for this any more than you have been for his previous competitions (there must have been a few or he wouldn't have been invited to take part in this prestigious event). Please, please don't spoil this for them, and for him - they )his step-mum in particular) will know enough about the sport to praise him on particular things and actions, and he will appreciate that - and also, their attention will be solely on him for this day, and not divided between him and your DDs.

Be generous- let them have this wonderful moment that they have both/all worked for. Perhaps there will be a video that they can buy so that you will have a record of his achievement to enjoy in your home and share with friends.

If you insist on going because it's "your" weekend, it will poison your relationship with them forever, and worse (as you may be prepared to do that) will turn his triumph to ashes because of the trouble it causes between you and his dad and step-mam.

And what if, further down the line, you need a swap for a weekend, and you have soiled the nest so much they tell you to stuff it?

Or maybe someone independent could ask your ds, just a simple question if there's 2 tickets and 4 people who want to go. And you all agree to honour whatever he decides
Someone suggested this - while it's fine in theory, in practice it makes him choose between you - don't even think of it. Never make him choose between you unless it's "Would you rather go to the football with dad this weekend or to the zoo with me?" sort of thing.

Just don't. It's cruel to him and will tear him up - and what will you feel if he chooses his dad and step-mam? Whoever is not chosen its going to feel rejected.

Swap the weekend, let them have a great time, and ask him all about it when he gets home.

She sounds a wonderful step-parent - if only they were all so caring.

chewbaccathehooky · 23/08/2017 17:54

What a lucky boy your ds is to have such a fantastic, devoted step mum and lovely mum like you. Great outcome, have a lovely time and good luck to your ds xxx

SchadenfreudePersonified · 23/08/2017 17:54

Fish-hooks - didn't read the thread and now have to backtrack.

As you were folks!

Willow2017 · 23/08/2017 17:55

Well done OP for putting your hand up and saying you were wrong.

I know its hard as its your son and you wanted to see him in the event, you just didnt think. We all make mistakes.

My son does martial arts and I have always taken him to classes and events and if someone had suggested they go to something special with him instead of me I would be very upset. I am glad its all sorted out now and you will all get to go. She sounds a lovely person, your son is lucky to have her in his life as well as his fab mum. Smile

Good luck in the event DS Smile

Nocabbageinmyeye · 23/08/2017 17:56

Fair play for recognising and admitting you were wrong op BUT I actually think you should back out altogether and leave them to it. You will change the dynamic totally and really you are just looking for a cheap weekend, sharing the tickets seems like a good compromise to her because she was faced with not going at all and this is better than nothing but you are interfering in something that's theirs and you aren't doing it with good intentions so while it's good you recognise what a dick you were you now need to recognise you should be staying at home

Foxglovesandsweetpeas · 23/08/2017 17:56

Wonderful outcome - well done for all being so reasonable about this - your son is very lucky to have so many people love him.

Schroedingerscatagain · 23/08/2017 17:56

It sounds like your DS is a lucky boy to have two families who care about him so much

Go, enjoy the weekend as one big family like I said before, hopefully you'll come back with wonderful memories and be grateful that this lady loves your son so much

Your DS will learn valuable lessons from seeing all his parents co-parenting in such a positive way

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 23/08/2017 17:57

You are a Star OP. Well done for asking MN!

DressedCrab · 23/08/2017 17:59

Excellent update. Well done, OP.

Leeds2 · 23/08/2017 18:03

I think you made the right decision.

AmyGardner · 23/08/2017 18:04

Awww no, you can't do this because 'it's my weekend'.

Is that honestly more important than the years of time and effort the SM has willingly put in to get him to where he is?

Plus it's cheeky to pull rank basically because you want a holiday.

I feel really sorry for the SM.

OnionKnight · 23/08/2017 18:04

Fuck me an AIBU thread that ends well Grin

SchadenfreudePersonified · 23/08/2017 18:05

Okay - read it all now.

Lovely outcome for everyone - especially for your DS who will see his prowess in this sport as being something that brings his family together and them ALL supporting him and not as something that causes arguments and disappointment.

Have a wonderful time, all of you.

Shoxfordian · 23/08/2017 18:06

Lovely update OP

Hope your son wins the event Grin

AmyGardner · 23/08/2017 18:08

Oh phew Smile

Feelingprettycrapaboutthings · 23/08/2017 18:08

Great update OP, well done for doing the right thing there. I love seeing AIBU have such a positive outcome. Best of luck to your son.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 23/08/2017 18:10

P.S. you definitely get to do the next one.

impossible · 23/08/2017 18:10

YABVU and rather cruel to your ds and his stepmum.

Your ds has spent years training with his stepmum and it will be only natural he would want her to share this performance. She will understand how difficult the moves are, how well he achieves them and the effort he has put in. She has probably been heavily involved in him learning and practising the performance.

You are in danger of ruining something he loves by making it about you. He will never forget this event - don't spoil it for him. You could actually put him right off and make him afraid to do well in the future because it causes such stress.

Let him enjoy it with the person he shares it with rather than barge in because you fancy visiting this particular city.

Bigoldsupermoon · 23/08/2017 18:11

Aw, the update on this is just lovely. Your son is a lucky boy, OP, both to have such dedicated adults in his life, and to have a mum who'll own up when she's made a mistake.

Lovely stuff - hope you all have a fab time.

Bigoldsupermoon · 23/08/2017 18:11

RTFT impossible!

Montsti · 23/08/2017 18:11

Yabu

Nocabbageinmyeye · 23/08/2017 18:11

So I am alone in thinking the op should stay at home altogether and the update isn't that great??? Hmm

TallulahBetty · 23/08/2017 18:11

Please RTFT before commenting! Gah.