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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to take my son to this event?

436 replies

ShadeOfRed · 23/08/2017 16:39

Ive name changed incase this is identifiable.

I have a 9yo DS. His dad and I split up when he was 6 months old, and he has been with his now wife since DS was 1. We all get on fairly well.

About 4 years ago, my son's stepmum started taking him to a martial arts class on a weekly basis. She also started having lessons herself so she could help him practice, which I obviously appreciate. I have never really been involved with it because it has very much been their 'thing' with DS and has always been done on their time with him. His stepmum takes him to 2 lessons a week and also practices at home with him. I should add that they have paid for all of this (I'm guessing actually his stepmum pays as she is the high earner).

Anyway, a few years later and it turns our DS is VERY good at this and has been invited to take place in a sort of showcase/tournament overseas in a city I have always wanted to visit. The event is on a weekend that DS is with me and my husband so I want us to take him and make a bit of a holiday out of it. We would also take my two younger daughters (who I have had with my current DH) and my mum who can babysit them when we watch the event.

When my ex told me the dates I said I would get back to him to let him know if we could swap weekends, and I have now let him know that actually DH and I will be taking DS. He has gotten really upset about it (apparently his wife, my son's stepmum, is in tears) as they wanted to be there to cheer him on. There are only 2 tickets allocated per child so we can't all go, and as well as we all get on I really wouldn't want to spend a whole 3 day even with them.

I honestly don't think I am doing anything wrong as it is my weekend with my DS and I am not obliged to swap. He has never competed in an event like this before and I think it's important for him to see his mum in the crowd cheering him on! But I mentioned this to my sister and she seems to think IABU and she has made me doubt myself. Should I be letting his dad and stepmum take him?

OP posts:
SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 23/08/2017 17:30

Yabu - it seems you aren't really interested in his hobby. You just want to go to the big event after the years of hard work and support has been done by the stepmum and father.

It feels to me you feel its more because of the place its at (you're talking about it being a holiday etc. If it was somewhere like Bristol would you still be wanting to go so much?

Plus if there are only two tickets per child, what are you going to do with your dds while you and your husband are watching?

DudeHatesHisCarryOut · 23/08/2017 17:31

I agree with the others. It would be very mean of you to push SM out of this. I really do think you need to graciously accept that you've made a mistake here and let them take him. They (or, rather, she) has earned this trip.

mashpot · 23/08/2017 17:32

It would be grossly unfair of you to go. I know I'm just adding to the chorus now so won't say any more.

aprilanne · 23/08/2017 17:32

well you let this poor woman take him to lessons pay for them and all the equipment ,she takes lessons as well to probably help him along .then you and his step father want all the glory of cheering him off .selfish does,nt even cover it .i bet if she stopped paying for your sons hobby you would be the first to call her a selfish cow .

HerOtherHalf · 23/08/2017 17:32

surely now it's important for him to see his mum supporting him too?

Oh ffs, pull the other one, it's got bells on it. Your real motivation is in your OP:

in a city I have always wanted to visit. ..... and make a bit of a holiday out of it.

If you're going to be such a selfish mare, at least keep a shred of your dignity and be an honest one. It's all about you.

ChocolateRicecake · 23/08/2017 17:33

If it were there other way round, would you be happy for stepmum to take him to 'your' thing on 'her' weekend?

Go and join them for dinner one evening as a big family, but allow stepmum to celebrate what she's helped DS achieve.

Ceto · 23/08/2017 17:33

Is this a spectator event? Is there any reason why you can't buy tickets elsewhere in the auditorium?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 23/08/2017 17:34

YABU and have got this very wrong.

You know exactly what you have done.

It's quite nasty imo.

Lelloteddy · 23/08/2017 17:34

I think you and step mum going to the actual event is a perfect compromise.

Craigie · 23/08/2017 17:35

You know YABU.

Maryz · 23/08/2017 17:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LuLuuuuuuu · 23/08/2017 17:35

Yes OP YABU

His Stepmother does this with him , and you said yourself its "their thing".
Let his Dad and Stepmother go with him

BackforGood · 23/08/2017 17:35

YABVVVU - as I suspect you have gathered by now!

Of course it is for his Dad and step mum to go.
If you are able to go as well, and book tickets as 'members of the public' then so be it, but you can not take him in their place.

Ttbb · 23/08/2017 17:36

YABextremelyUR. You have had no involvement in this meanwhile his dsm has been taking him and practicing with him. Don't you think that it would mean a lot more to him to have her there cheering him on?

Hulababy · 23/08/2017 17:38

I am not sure if the OP will return to the thread. The votes are pretty unanimous that it should be stepmom (and dad) taking him.

Nikephorus · 23/08/2017 17:38

YABU - it's their "thing" together. If you want to see the place go separately with him another time, but this isn't your opportunity. Do the decent thing and change your mind. His stepmum is making a huge effort with him so she deserves to share this. You'll have plenty of opportunities to share other things relevant to your time with him.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 23/08/2017 17:38

I honestly don't think I am doing anything wrong as it is my weekend with my DS and I am not obliged to swap.

You aren't obliged to be spiteful either....

NicolasFlamel · 23/08/2017 17:39

Really unreasonable. In your position I would be phoning his stepmum to apologise and let her know you will swap weekends. She's put all this work in with him and now won't get to see his big event because you're "not obliged" to swap weekends. It's just really nasty.

Original poster
ShadeOfRed · 23/08/2017 17:39

Sorry it's taken a while to get through these replies. Definitely not a reverse but I now feel like a complete knob. I pride myself in having a good relationship with my ex and his wife, we do all try to compromise when we can. I read about the first 10 responses then called her up. I think I'm just as upset about this as I am!

Honestly DH and I could not afford to go if it wasn't for the fact the event has block booked a hotel and gotten cheap rates. All I would have to pay is flights (DSs flight is paid for by the event as is one escorting adult). So it's not somewhere I could afford to visit another time as a family of 5.

But like I said, I have now spoken to his stepmum and she has actually suggested that we go and take the cheap hotel room that comes with the event and said her and my ex will book alternative accommodation somewhere else nearby (she is childless so much more affordable for her) if we agree to share the tickets and take it in turns to attend the event, which of course I agreed to - and I don't know why I didn't think of that solution myself before I posted Blush probably because to offer that as a solution I would have to volunteer to find other accommodation which I know we can't afford!

Pretty much a unanimous yes to me BU then. I'm actually pretty embarrassed and will be sending his stepmum some flowers tomorrow to acknowledge the fact she is being very generous.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 23/08/2017 17:40

Next time you want them to swap a weekend. They will say no. etc etc. If you push this. It will backfire massively.

Ffs he is a child. Not a fucking toy to argue over. This has made me so mad that a parent can be so selfish and blind.

NotAgainYoda · 23/08/2017 17:41

LOVELY RESULT Smile

Jellybean85 · 23/08/2017 17:41

Glad you changed your mind op, it takes a big person to admit there wrong and it sounds like you were over excited about a cheap room in a place
You'd love to visit!! Sharing the tickets is perfect, you can support him and sightsee too Grin

CosmicPineapple · 23/08/2017 17:42

Great update OP Grin

I hope the weekend is wonderful and the flowers are a great idea.

SequinsOnEverything · 23/08/2017 17:42

She sounds amazing and I'm glad you found a way to all go. Make it a big bunch of flowers!

Snausage · 23/08/2017 17:42

OP, I think you are definitely being unreasonable. Cruel, too.

There is nothing stopping you going to the same city and enjoying it whilst your son and his dad and step mother do their thing. Or to go another time when there is not tournament and you could enjoy it as a family. To take this away from them "because it's your week" is unbelievably awful.

Most people in a situation like yours would kill for their child to have a step parent as loving and as emotionally and financially invested in as your son has. Why would you want to jeopardise that?

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