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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to take my son to this event?

436 replies

ShadeOfRed · 23/08/2017 16:39

Ive name changed incase this is identifiable.

I have a 9yo DS. His dad and I split up when he was 6 months old, and he has been with his now wife since DS was 1. We all get on fairly well.

About 4 years ago, my son's stepmum started taking him to a martial arts class on a weekly basis. She also started having lessons herself so she could help him practice, which I obviously appreciate. I have never really been involved with it because it has very much been their 'thing' with DS and has always been done on their time with him. His stepmum takes him to 2 lessons a week and also practices at home with him. I should add that they have paid for all of this (I'm guessing actually his stepmum pays as she is the high earner).

Anyway, a few years later and it turns our DS is VERY good at this and has been invited to take place in a sort of showcase/tournament overseas in a city I have always wanted to visit. The event is on a weekend that DS is with me and my husband so I want us to take him and make a bit of a holiday out of it. We would also take my two younger daughters (who I have had with my current DH) and my mum who can babysit them when we watch the event.

When my ex told me the dates I said I would get back to him to let him know if we could swap weekends, and I have now let him know that actually DH and I will be taking DS. He has gotten really upset about it (apparently his wife, my son's stepmum, is in tears) as they wanted to be there to cheer him on. There are only 2 tickets allocated per child so we can't all go, and as well as we all get on I really wouldn't want to spend a whole 3 day even with them.

I honestly don't think I am doing anything wrong as it is my weekend with my DS and I am not obliged to swap. He has never competed in an event like this before and I think it's important for him to see his mum in the crowd cheering him on! But I mentioned this to my sister and she seems to think IABU and she has made me doubt myself. Should I be letting his dad and stepmum take him?

OP posts:
GahBuggerit · 23/08/2017 17:21

Yabvu and clearly only want to go for the jolly which your ds will probably realise aswell

Poor stepmum :(

AreWeThereYet000 · 23/08/2017 17:21

Buy spectator tickets and go watch him that way, let dad and SM go with the team and meet up afterwards, collect your son and enjoy your break.

What if he needs help with his moves? Needs the outfit adjusting? Forgets routine? Would you be able to help with all that as you've not taken interest in this hobby? No, but they could. Could be the difference in him placing or not just so you could be the one to be seen to be the 'support' I get you want to see him compete but really I think they've invested in it so they should be there alongside him.

FWIW my son is a swimmer, I'm not longer with his dad (we both have new long term partners) I am the one that's been in the pool with him as a beginner, who has taken him to lessons every week and kept up with taking him to the pool when classes haven't been on. I'm the one that's forked out all the money for said classes/ badges/ swimwear etc if my son was at a swim gala whether it is exs weekend or not I feel I should be the one to take him as I am the one that's put in the effort. He could pay to spectate. And that would be my feelings if it was vice versa. It sucks but it's something you have to deal with when you are no longer together

Pantryboy · 23/08/2017 17:22

OP if you do this how can you live with yourself ?

RestingBitchFaced · 23/08/2017 17:23

YABU! And what if he needs help 'warming up' or with anything to do with the event, you won't have a clue. She should be there to help and reassure him, and make sure he knows what he's doing

Goingtobeawesome · 23/08/2017 17:23

I think you're forgetting the lovely thing your DS step mum has done in your excitement at justifying a trip to the place and the fact it's your weekend.

I wouldn't blame her if she stopped all lovely things now. Your son will be the one to suffer in case you don't get it.

Trying to say he needs to see his mum and step dad support him and by going is the way to do it is a pathetic attempt at justifying you jumping in when it suits.

BackInTheRoom · 23/08/2017 17:24

YABU. Just that really, sorry.

Hulababy · 23/08/2017 17:24

You say in the OP it is vey much their thing. Step mum pays and takes him, trains with him, etc and it is obviously a sport she is interested in too.

I would say that his step mum and his dad should take him, and that you should take a step back and let them do so, swapping weekends.

I understand you'd like to be there but on this occasion I think it is fairer to allow him to go with them.

Unless there is some massive back story ...

GahBuggerit · 23/08/2017 17:24

Hang on, there's only 2 tickets per child but you, your dh and 2 other dc would be going? How does that work then?

blankface · 23/08/2017 17:24

I agree YABU.

You know nothing about this martial art. After his performance, what would you have said to him apart from variations of Well Done?

His Stepmum will be able to tell him which bits she thought he was great at, she can comment on the others that are also performing and generally talk about his performance with him at length, you were great at that bit, the other lad just wasn't as good as you because he did xyz, when you did such and such a move I thought abc etc. that will be great feedback for him and he'll feel appreciated because she knows a lot about it and they can have involved conversations about it.

Ellisandra · 23/08/2017 17:24

Bloody hell.

Unreasonable is the wrong word.

Nasty, mean, selfish...

This has to be a reverse.

If his dad doesn't mind, you and SM could go. But bloody hell - she's instigated this, supported him practically and emotionally and financially through it for FOUR YEARS and you want to take this away from her?

Gobsmacked. And it's only because you like the city anyway. As a PP said, let's see you so interested in supporting him when it's in a draughty church hall in the arse end of nowhere and not a Showcase.

Mean, nasty, selfish, glory hunter. As well as unreasonable.

PetitFilous123 · 23/08/2017 17:24

Can you all just go together?

LondonNicki · 23/08/2017 17:24

It's because of his step mum that he has got this far and is competing. You are being very unreasonable to take this away from her. I suspect if you go ahead with it you will lose a lot of goodwill and it will damaging long term too.

GahBuggerit · 23/08/2017 17:25

Oh ignore me Blush

Dawnedlightly · 23/08/2017 17:25

Have you ever been to watch him somewhere you didn't want to go
Why don't you send off DS to the event with exH and SM and you DH and DDs go and spectate?

TempusEejit · 23/08/2017 17:26

I'm guessing this might be a reverse as SM's often get slated on here (although sometimes rightly so!) and the OP wants to try and get a more balanced view.

On the off chance this isn't a reverse YABVVVVU.

DomesticDisgrace · 23/08/2017 17:26

Oh OP, YABVU

Hulababy · 23/08/2017 17:26

take place in a sort of showcase/tournament overseas in a city I have always wanted to visit.

Seems your main reason for wanting to go is to visit the city, as opposed to watching his tournament. Which is fair enough in some ways (would you be so insistent if it was a different place or in the UK?), but I think you should find another time to visit the city and ket DS go with the people who have helped him get to the stage he is at in his chosen sport. Sorry.

chips4teaplease · 23/08/2017 17:26

Everybody goes for the week/end.
You and stepmum go to the event.
Most people happy.

MissEliza · 23/08/2017 17:27

I think your ds might actually resent you going when you've done nothing to support him in this sport until things got interesting.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 23/08/2017 17:27

You are being incredibly selfish, and you know it, otherwise you wouldn't be bleating on here.
For goodness sake, have a heart.

Pantryboy · 23/08/2017 17:28

Great point Miss Eliza

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/08/2017 17:28

YABVVU

I am incredibly surprised that you can't see how selfish you are being. They have been the ones who have paid for lessons, taken him to lessons & done all over f thwell s for/with him & now YOU want to be there because he's 'very good' & in an international tournament. FFS - don't be so nasty.

If you want to show him you're supporting him too, buy nyour real tickets & go by yourself to watch him.

You can have a family holiday any time.

You need to tell them that of course they can take him and that you are incredibly sorry for behaving like such a selfish twat,. Honestly.

FilledSoda · 23/08/2017 17:29

Jesus no, of course you can't take him !
That would be a horrible thing to do to all involved

mccuntypants · 23/08/2017 17:30

You are joking right? I have an ex just like you. I do all the training nights, all of the kit purchasing, washing etc. I pay for everything. I'm the one tired at the end of a busy weeks training. I'm the one there for the hard graft and the lows. When we are at a tournament away the ex wants to take him. Bask in the glory and yet do none of the hard slog. Why in gods name should you be the one to take him? It's nothing to do with you!

Goingtobeawesome · 23/08/2017 17:30

I think the damage will come if he's made to choose who goes.