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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to take my son to this event?

436 replies

ShadeOfRed · 23/08/2017 16:39

Ive name changed incase this is identifiable.

I have a 9yo DS. His dad and I split up when he was 6 months old, and he has been with his now wife since DS was 1. We all get on fairly well.

About 4 years ago, my son's stepmum started taking him to a martial arts class on a weekly basis. She also started having lessons herself so she could help him practice, which I obviously appreciate. I have never really been involved with it because it has very much been their 'thing' with DS and has always been done on their time with him. His stepmum takes him to 2 lessons a week and also practices at home with him. I should add that they have paid for all of this (I'm guessing actually his stepmum pays as she is the high earner).

Anyway, a few years later and it turns our DS is VERY good at this and has been invited to take place in a sort of showcase/tournament overseas in a city I have always wanted to visit. The event is on a weekend that DS is with me and my husband so I want us to take him and make a bit of a holiday out of it. We would also take my two younger daughters (who I have had with my current DH) and my mum who can babysit them when we watch the event.

When my ex told me the dates I said I would get back to him to let him know if we could swap weekends, and I have now let him know that actually DH and I will be taking DS. He has gotten really upset about it (apparently his wife, my son's stepmum, is in tears) as they wanted to be there to cheer him on. There are only 2 tickets allocated per child so we can't all go, and as well as we all get on I really wouldn't want to spend a whole 3 day even with them.

I honestly don't think I am doing anything wrong as it is my weekend with my DS and I am not obliged to swap. He has never competed in an event like this before and I think it's important for him to see his mum in the crowd cheering him on! But I mentioned this to my sister and she seems to think IABU and she has made me doubt myself. Should I be letting his dad and stepmum take him?

OP posts:
WinnerWinnerChickenDinner0 · 24/08/2017 08:53

OP, she is not CHILDLESS as you called her in your response, sounds like she has a child in her life that she truely loves

You do get some points for accepting you were in the wrong, but have a word with yourself. I'm sure it's hard having a step mum who is too perfect. But just imagine how horrible it would be to have one who treated your ds badly

Nousernamefound · 24/08/2017 17:35

I think as they have paid for his lessons, taken him to and from sessions, encouraged him and helped him practice and nurture his obvious talent in this sport they should be able to take him. I understand you would like to see him compete but have you ever bothered to take him to his lessons or watch him in this country? I think you're being quite unfair and understand completely why his father and stepmother are upset. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot.

NachoAddict · 24/08/2017 17:39

It seems like you are glory hunting to me, sweeping in at the end and talking the credit for someyhing you were up to now not interested in.

The decent thing to do is let his dad and step mum take him.

Charell20 · 24/08/2017 17:49

I would love to say your intentions are honourable. However you only seem to be going because it's in a city you want to visit. Why haven't you cheered him on in the past.

Go to the city at the time the tournament is on but don't actually go to the event. Then ask you XH to Facebook Live the event so you can enjoy from afar.

The stepmom has done all the hard work, even taking up the hobby to help him practise. And even paid without question. What have you done?

NannyJones · 24/08/2017 17:50

Even with your updates I think u abu.

She seems like a really grounded lovely woman who has only ur sons best interests at heart (classes, practice, offering to share the trip)

U, on the other hand, come across grabby and selfish. Getting a city break you'd never be able to afford for ur family of 5 because of ur sons achievement is a tad shameful.

Rachie1973 · 24/08/2017 17:55

I agree. I think OP should step out of this trip completely.

Lillithxxx · 24/08/2017 17:59

I've read the thread.
I think it's selfish of the OP to be wanting to be so involved. My eldest son is a Team GB junior athlete and very successful. My (loathsome) ex has done nearly all the running about for around 7 years - dark wet winter nights and early mornings - I wouldn't dream of trying to muscle in like the OP has done to bask in reflected glory as his Mum (because I believe that is just what she is doing). But then I appreciate the effort that sporting success takes on the part of the supporting parent. I feel for the step mum who has put in so much effort.

NewPapaGuinea · 24/08/2017 18:02

Out of interest, what would you be doing if it fell on a weekend when your DS is with your ExH and SM? Seems the leverage you have comes down to luck it's a weekend he's with you.

Jessikita · 24/08/2017 18:04

I think you're out of order and being very petty to suit yourself.

It's always been their thing. To step in now just because it suits you is out of order.

Step mum's usually get a bad press on here and here's one who invested a lot of time and money being nice to your child and you want to wade in and bask in the glory.

You're being unreasonable.

wonderingsoul · 24/08/2017 18:07

Ybu... youv admited its your ds and sm thing.. shes been doing the work with him. She deserves to go.

Sounds like you just wanted to go because its in a country you want to vist. But had it been some where else youd have happly let them take him.

Only solution i can see is if you and step mum go together. Then he has one parent from each sise go.

Skinandbones · 24/08/2017 18:08

I think because it's something he has always done with stepmum, then she should be there. Nothing to you you can't have a weekend holiday and all go for a celebration meal after. Two tickets, maybe you and the step-up could go.

Roversandrhodes · 24/08/2017 18:15

I can totally see your point of view ,I have a child and I'm separated from her father so I can kind of put myself in your shoes .However ,on this one I do think YABU and you should let the step mum and his father go as it seems to be there thing and she has obviously invested a lot of time money and effort into this hobby .

Wrapmeupincottonwool · 24/08/2017 18:17

I'm surprised you have to ask. You are being totally unreasonable. Have you ever seen him practice? Do you ever go to any other events. If the answer is no then I think you should be pretty ashamed of yourself. If the answer is yes then stick to that and let stepmum take him. It's her thing not yours!

Whinesalot · 24/08/2017 18:18

I think it is incredibly selfish of you. Really, really selfish.

Groovee · 24/08/2017 18:21

Glad you can all support him.

Jipiandme · 24/08/2017 18:21

I've read the entire thread. YABVU. This isn't a cheap family holiday opportunity, it's a serious competition. You should be ashamed of yourself. Getting your exh's wife to subsidise your family holiday. How many events have you attended in this country? How do you expect your DS to enter with confidence when you and your younger dc have highjacked the hotel room for your jollys when he and his DSM could be training and preparing. SMH. Some people.

Ceto · 24/08/2017 18:22

FFS, is there any chance of people actually reading TFT, or at least the OP's posts? OP agreed at an early stage that ex and SM should go - so maybe not selfish and deserving of the abuse she's getting? And in fact they have now reached an even better compromise.

mummmy2017 · 24/08/2017 18:23

What a nasty lot some of you are.
Shade of Red didn't think and got excited for her son, and as it was her weekend to have her son made some plans.
Changed her mind said sorry to SM.
SM says hey great idea lets all go and support DSS, who is thrilled to have everyone there to be part of his big event.
SM says oh you have the family, I get an away weekend with partner in a hotel with no kids,,,, and get to take DS to event as well.
Happy families all round.

and then allong come people who have never even met this family and try to tell them what to do.
Go enjoy you time away, and let the lad be the center of his whole family for the weekend.......

AllieBomBally · 24/08/2017 18:23

Have you considered what your DS wants? I would be upset if I was his DSM too, she should be able to share this with him as she's put the effort in to getting him there. Give them the free tickets and you buy spectator tickets if you're so desperate to go.

becotide · 24/08/2017 18:35

They've supported this for YEARS and now it must feel like you're snatching the reward for yourself.

Whinesalot · 24/08/2017 18:37

Ok sorry. Should have rtft but I still stand by that it is incredibly cheeky and is taking away the glory from the SM who should not be having to share ds.
Fair enough if the op had bothered to attend previous events but she hasn't and now just wants a cheap holiday and to capitalize on his success.
The SM has been incredibly kind and gracious. I hope she is really ok about it rather than putting on a brave face. I suspect not.

jenm87 · 24/08/2017 18:37

if it was me i would want to go to see how good he is etc but i feel like his stepmum and dad should take him, or if you and the stepmum are on good terms why dont you both go together as she has been paying for it, if not then let them go with him i feel from what i have read the stepmum is very involved in it with your son so i feel like she should be there for him

Ceto · 24/08/2017 18:37

Another load of idiots who can't be bothered even to read OP's posts having a lovely time piling on. You do realise you make yourselves look a whole lot worse than you make the OP look, don't you?

TheAntiBoop · 24/08/2017 18:39

Agree he should stay with them so he is suitably prepared. Doing the tourist thing could really screw it up for him

helsinkihelen · 24/08/2017 18:40

I think it takes real guts to admit that you're wrong op, and I do think that lots of people are being overly harsh. I don't think a lot of us can imagine what it's like to see someone else looking after our child (and seemingly being an ideal sm) which on a certain level must be quite hard (even tho on another level you are most probably totally grateful). I'm glad you've all worked out a compromise, and that you all seem to be happy with it. I think the main thing is that son is happy and sm's role as main facilitator of the hobby has been acknowledged. Xxx