To want to take my son to this event?

[ShadeOfRed]

Ive name changed incase this is identifiable.

I have a 9yo DS. His dad and I split up when he was 6 months old, and he has been with his now wife since DS was 1. We all get on fairly well.

About 4 years ago, my son's stepmum started taking him to a martial arts class on a weekly basis. She also started having lessons herself so she could help him practice, which I obviously appreciate. I have never really been involved with it because it has very much been their 'thing' with DS and has always been done on their time with him. His stepmum takes him to 2 lessons a week and also practices at home with him. I should add that they have paid for all of this (I'm guessing actually his stepmum pays as she is the high earner).

Anyway, a few years later and it turns our DS is VERY good at this and has been invited to take place in a sort of showcase/tournament overseas in a city I have always wanted to visit. The event is on a weekend that DS is with me and my husband so I want us to take him and make a bit of a holiday out of it. We would also take my two younger daughters (who I have had with my current DH) and my mum who can babysit them when we watch the event.

When my ex told me the dates I said I would get back to him to let him know if we could swap weekends, and I have now let him know that actually DH and I will be taking DS. He has gotten really upset about it (apparently his wife, my son's stepmum, is in tears) as they wanted to be there to cheer him on. There are only 2 tickets allocated per child so we can't all go, and as well as we all get on I really wouldn't want to spend a whole 3 day even with them.

I honestly don't think I am doing anything wrong as it is my weekend with my DS and I am not obliged to swap. He has never competed in an event like this before and I think it's important for him to see his mum in the crowd cheering him on! But I mentioned this to my sister and she seems to think IABU and she has made me doubt myself. Should I be letting his dad and stepmum take him?

Nocabbageinmyeye

Nope, I'm with you. I don't think the OP should go at all.

Step mum
Maybe be ring the event to see if you can get more tickets.

Nocabbageinmyeye I think you will find the SM knows she has just done a solid for the OP, and can call it in if she needs too,
This is called not being a bitch, and leads to a happy family life.

As the SM suggested the mum take the room and come as well, I am 100% sure the SM is very happy with the way everyone will see the child perform and to have her H with her in a double room in the evenings, and combine a mini break with a family break, why should Shade of red not be delighted also, as she said sorry offered to not go and instead got a great result all round...

I think people are being a bit harsh saying op should back out all together. At the end of the day this is about a child and this is the best scenario for him.

Best scenario for the child as long as his mum actually takes a real interest in the sport and continues to.

Not a great scenario if she's basically using him for a cheap holiday with her DH and other children.

She's already said she feels that he's very close to his step mum and is a little jealous - I wonder if this isn't the first time OP has looked to prioritise her 'new family' and not expected DS to notice.

He will at some point if he hasn't already.

Sounds to me like you wouldn't have given two hoots about attending if the showcase was in a blustery village hall, you just want the cheap holiday. I don't think you should go at all.

Agreed, time to lay off people. A good deal has been done. If SM feels hard done by then she can say so. Sounds like some of you would rather see shade eat some more humble pie than reach the best outcome for her son, which is perverse.

The other thing is if the stepmum is familiar with the sport she will know how the competition rituals go- be able to liase with the coaches as to where he needs to be and when, kit, food, drink, sleep.

My sd is also a fairly high level in sport. It's her and her dad's thing. Her dad knows the rules, what she has to wear, race tactics, how not to stress her out.

It is incredibly easy to say the wrong thing to a competing kid. Something as simple as "go and win that gold medal" can throw them off.

Sd's mum has nothing to do with it, in fact she actively discourages her dd and refuses to take her training etc if dh is away. There is one, big, high profile event per year, and guess who gets the ticket and stands on the finish line, posting all over social media about how great her dd is at this sport, while dh stands on the sideline, having to keep quiet for his dd's sake or there'll be a row.

The wet weekends in grim northern cities however, not a chance.

One thing I would add, I would try to make sure your DS is actually staying with your exH and his SM, because frankly you want to have a holiday, that might not be compatable with being ready to compete. eg. If you are wanting to spend the day before sightseeing, it could well be best if DS is spending the relaxing/practicing with someone who knows all about it, however it can be hard for a child to tell their parent that actually this is a bad idea about how to spend the day.

This also might mean you give up the cheap hotel room so that DS can stay in the venue he's competing in with his Dad and Step-Mum.

If you are going for DS to do the sport, then the whole trip has to be centred around that, if you want to have a family holiday, then you might find that either you will fuck things up for DS, or the rest of your family will have a crap holiday.

(I find it hard to believe this is the "only" way you can go to this City when you are planning on taking you, your DH, your 2DD and your Mum with you, surely going just the 5 of you but having to pay for your hotel room can't be much more expensive than a whole extra flight for your Mum? Or could your Mum babysit the DDs at home another weekend and you and DH go alone?)

oh and honestly, being in a family room with his 2 younger sisters, one young enough to be in a travel cot - are you certain you can ensure he'll get a good night's sleep before he competes, compared to being in a shared room with his dad and step-mum?!

You need to stop thinking you are having a cheap holiday, if you are going to support your DS, then you need to make the whole trip about DS. I would question if your DH and DD's need to go if it's just going to be watching him compete, and they won't actually do that.

If you want to go, that's great, but taking the DDs and making a family holiday out of it might be a very bad idea for your DS. International level sports need to be treated seriously. Don't fuck it up for him so you can have a cheap holiday.

For someone who earns a decent salary, this is not much of an additional cost. That's the point I was trying to make.

Her salary is irrelevant. It should be split equally imo. Ie you split the cost of the extra ticket between you.

Someone said something very smart upthread. You need to be completely involved with the sport going past this trip - he will know for sure you were just using him for a cheap holiday if you don't.

Although you have come to this conclusion and agreement I still feel you should step back completely for various reasons people have put forward since the updates:

-A shared room with your son there may mean he doesn't have a good nights sleep before.
-He will probably need to spend the day before with his SM to practice so it won't be a 'family' holiday as he won't be with you.
-If you don't follow his sport you might not actually know what's going on.
-It might be that your son needs to stay with his SM near the complex (so probably the prebooked hotel) to use the facilities to practice.
-You seem to still be focused on getting your cheap holiday more than supporting your son.
-This trip is wholly about your son and so should the holiday. That means going to his practice sessions and not just the competitions to watch and support him training.

Your ds's stepmum is an absolute star. What a classy lady. You are very lucky she has come into this role.

Hmmmm.
The more I think about it and re read the ops posts for 4 years SMhas supported ds and learned along with him and OP hasnt bothered about any of the competitions, grading etc but now she wants to be part of it.

I also think that ds should be in same hotel as step mum to discuss the event, practice etc.

His dad and step mum are basically accomodating op and her family holiday! I also dont understand if the block booked hotel is cheaper than usual how Ops ex and sm will get another hotel for the same price? If they do then op should stay there or offer to pay the difference so ex and sm can stay with son.

OP If you had bought tickets for you and dp to see the event yourself it would be a lot better, sharing the tickets is a bit mean, step mum has put in all the work and paid for it and she gets to just see some of the event which would be beneficial for her to see to.

I understand ops feelings about seeing her son but I do think its just a bit too convenient and what the step mum earns has nothing to do with her wanting a holiday. If you want a holiday you pay for it yourself. Would she ask step mum to pay for a plane ticket for her family any other time? (which is basically what she is asking as sm has to buy another plane ticket)

Would she bother to go to another event in this country?
Trust me competitions are loooooonnnggg days for the sake of a few minutes, lots of travelling and sitting around. Its not something you do lightly. Being in the right area, listening for your name being called out in a noisy stadium is murder too. Carting around gear, drinks, snacks, from one area to another is no fun either. I fear this may be ops only time she is interested in her sons sport.

Not only OP who has had a think about this...

I feel bad for the son and the step mother. If the event has prebooked the 'cheap' accomodation then that's where all the other competitors and the buzz of the event will be. The son and step mother should be able to stay with the rest of the competitors so they can socialise and share their love of sport.

It's not endearing that you are counting the step mother's money and basically deciding that she should subsidise a cheap holiday for you.

It's clear you're not interested in the sport, step aside and let your son have the proper experience that he and Step mother earned.

If you want a cheap holiday, set a google alert for flight & accomodation packages.

As someone who practises martial arts I can tell you these events are not a holiday. Your son will need to practise, be in the right headspace, be with his team mates and get good sleep.

Why can't you pay for a double room somewhere else ? Let him and step mum stay at event hotel. You clearly have no interest or idea about the sport.

Sorry OP, but I'm with the others. My son competes in martial arts and it's a long day. You're stuck for 8 hours in a hot smelly gym to watch 4 or 5 3-minute fights. It's not a suitable environment for younger siblings.

This is a huge opportunity for your son. He needs to concentrate on it so he can do his best. I think you're being really selfish in hijacking it for a cheap holiday.

Why can't you go and watch him compete sometime in the U.K.?

Yes, I have rtft. I just don't think it's a lovely outcome at all. If his mum wants to watch him compete then leave the younger kids at home with their dad and go by yourself.

I hate to say it, because it all sounds like such a lovely reasonable outcome where everyone gets to be happy. But I'm not sure it's such a lovely outcome as it looks like.

From your son's point of view, he gets his whole family (Dad and SM, Mum and SD) cheering him on and he gets to demonstrate his prowess to his mother which will make him feel super special.

From the SM's point of view, she gets to support a child in a shared hobby - a child with which she has had an ongoing relationship for 8 years of his life.

From OP's side, she gets to see her son shine and be proud of him (and you can be proud of your child's achievements without having been central in him obtaining them surely!) - and visit a city she loves.

But but but... this is a special son/SM moment. He should be in the hotel room with his Dad and SM, practicing the difficult bits, working on the kata, getting the nuance of each move... which his SM can help with, and OP just can't.

I see that OP really wants to be proud of her son, I applaud what looks like an amazingly civil coparenting relationship all round. And it must hurt like buggery to even be afraid that your son might love someone as a mother the way they love you - I do get that.

Splinters in my arse from this fence, I tell you. If it's just the money - then I think you should talk to SM / Dad again. Tell them that this is their moment with DS, that you want to see one event to be proud of him but that you recognise the specialness that this activity has for him. And try and find a way of you going and staying elsewhere so that SM and Dad can share a hotel room with DS and put the practice in, go through each event afterwards and analyse it. All of you for dinner out to celebrate - awesome example for your son to be a part of.

I'm also thinking somewhere that he may want to talk about stuff afterwards - and you, without the martial arts background - may not understand or "get" what he says the way SM will. And if you see him even slightly down because you don't get it and she does... that will really upset you.

Whilst I'm pleased you seem to have come to some solution i really want to echo what previous posters have said about your son staying with his dad and stepmum. I'm a karate instructor and coach at competitions and my youngest has followed in my footsteps and is on the national squad. I can't stress enough how important it is for them to be with people who know what is going on and the right thing to say, there's a huge amount involved in a martial arts competition and the pressure can be very intense. Go, but just spectate, don't interfere, let them get on and enjoy their thing and be there for all the congratulations after.

I've spent years driving the length and breadth of this country taking my son to courses and competitions whilst his dad has never shown the slightest interest, never contributed towards it, in fact it was often a struggle to get him to bring him training on the days he was with him (exh obviously!)

He has once turned up at the only competition close to him (late, so my son spent hours distractedly looking out for him) when he did turn up he was faffing around getting coffee etc, stayed for about an hour before he was bored then went. Didn't even stay for the medal ceremony. I guarantee you him turning up that day did more harm than good.

Sorry, I misread. Your mum will travel with you and babysit the younger siblings while you attend the event. I still dont think its a good idea though as youre bound to be distracted by the little ones during the trip. Your husband and his wife can give your son100%which is what he needs. I think you need to rethink the whole thing.

Well done OP. You had a dilemma and asked a question to then get bashed repeatedly. I do think that you were being cheeky expecting to go when it's SM's hobby that she's developed with your son. However you have reached a great compromise and I think that, most of all, your son is going to feel cherished surrounded by both parts of the family and their support. He's lucky to have parents who communicate and compromise.

Who will your son travel and stay with? Because it should be his step mum. Supporting an activity for four years is a huge commitment.

Honestly I'm in agreement that it's not a great resolution, and the SM is the much better person here. I honestly can't see why you even thought to go. The poor SM is graciously accepting the crumbs you left her with and is probably quietly devastated.

Whilst the compromise sounds good on paper, you're jeopardising his chances of success by shoe horning yourself into the event for the sake of a subsidised holiday. He needs to be focused and be with people who have supported him 100% of the way. Something as simple as being in a different hotel could mess with the balance.

At the very least conceed the tickets and buy your own spectator tickets. SM needs to be with your DS at every event. He needs her more than you may appreciate.

Actually best solution for DS - he goes with his dad and step- mum completely, stays in the venue with them, they work with him, make sure he has the right food, sleep, prep for the trip.

As your mum was happy to go and babysit, ask if she'll have your two DDs at home for the weekend.

Just you and your DH fly to the city - you would have had to pay for his flight, your mums and your dd1's (assuming if dd2 is in a cot she'd have travelled for free), do now you just need 2 flights and a double room. Much cheaper.

You can sight see why he's training/focussed on competing, but still see him for part.