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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. To be furious at DH's ex Wife?

517 replies

SSDGM · 23/08/2017 13:03

DH split up with the mother of his kids years before he met me. In fact he had another 10 year long relationship in between us. Now their youngest DD is 19 and in employment the time has come to sell the house (or her to buy him out) as agreed. However she's changed her mind and is pleading poverty. She's ignored solicitors letters and mediation requests or left any correspondence to the last minute and has said she's about to be out of a job due to illness. DH has had enough and has instructed solicitors that Mediation will not work and to go straight to court. She now wants him to just sign it all over to her and walk away.
I'm fuming because I have 2 now adult DS's from my first marriage and after their father and I split I made a point to ramp up my career to look after us all where she has just ignored the passing of time and can't now cope without the maintenance and tax credits she got before her DS/ my DSD was of age. I have a little nest egg put away for a house deposit and earn a decent salary. She has now said she will come after MY money and she will be given the house they shared by the courts because she's poorer than I am.
DH is self employed and earns less than I do.

AIBU to want to get involved? How dare she sit on her arse working part time for years after the kids were old enough to take care of themselves and then piss and moan it's unfair that we have a nice life and should give her everything. I've always been nice to her to keep the peace, but I'm losing patience. Why can't she just bugger off?

OP posts:
Original poster
SSDGM · 23/08/2017 14:26

And yes, we would love his youngest to come and live with us.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 23/08/2017 14:27

I'm not a lawyer but I cannot see what claim she'd have on your money. At most the court would just consider household incomes when making a decision, surely? If her cohabiting partner works, will it be that much of a difference?

Janeismymiddlename · 23/08/2017 14:29

Your savings in your name will go nowhere near her. However, the fact that your partner co-habits will mean that the court presumes you pay 50% of your joint living costs. If you pay less than 50% then it would be worth your while as a couple to give the courts details but as you earn more and have savings, he just needs to say he doesn't know what you earn.

Your partner has been stupid not dealing with this as part of the divorce. It will cost him now to resolve this in court.,

Original poster
SSDGM · 23/08/2017 14:30

AllTheBest : thank you, that's what I need to read. I'm not bothered if he walks away without a penny. I just want him off the deeds/mortgage so we can buy a place. In fact, he's got to the point where he is aware he could get nothing but even when he just asked for the 10% deposit back that he put in he was ignored.

I don't want vengeance. I want it finished.

OP posts:
Postmanpatisarubbishpostman · 23/08/2017 14:30

How long ago did they actually buy the house?

Elendon · 23/08/2017 14:30

The cohabiting partner can put themselves down as a tenant though. (Been there, seen that - it's what my ex did.)

Neutrogena · 23/08/2017 14:31

Fuck me, I'm getting some responses that are a bit pissy. Have I touched a nerve?

Ha, yes OP.
Are you new to MN?

LineysRun · 23/08/2017 14:33

So there's no formal financial order? An endowment mortgage with a massive shortfall? Fuck me, that's poor planning.

Janeismymiddlename · 23/08/2017 14:34

You need to realise that whether he gets something or nothing, this now needs to be dealt with to finalise everything with the ex. You need a court order. If you don't get it, she can come back at a later date.

Elendon · 23/08/2017 14:36

He has to then forego the deposit if he wants a clean break.

If she was any sort of a decent person though, she would give him this back. Are you sure he put the deposit down? (I put the deposit down on me and my ex's house but it was 20 years previously and it was part and parcel of getting married).

However, going to court and demanding decency is an expensive business.

LineysRun · 23/08/2017 14:37

Fuck me, I'm getting some responses that are a bit pissy. Have I touched a nerve?

Not at all. When I got divorced I negotiated a full financial settlement with a formal order, not least the house ownership, so that this shit wouldn't happen in our children's futures.

NoSquirrels · 23/08/2017 14:38

You haven't really answered anyone's questions about the financial orders/legalities on divorce.

Honestly, you should be pissy with your DH not her, to be honest. He's failed to sort things out serially, it seems. Not getting financial stuff in order e.g. on divorce, on CSA payments etc. She may be an annoying thorn in your side, but you didn't have to marry him - you could see this needed sorting but went ahead with the marriage anyway.

Morally is different to legally. Common sense does not apply necessarily in law. You need to sew things up in a watertight fashion, not leave it to the kindness of other people "doing the right thing".

I don't think she'll be entitled to your savings, but your DH may not get much but court costs and a headache out of trying to be liberated from the house. If it is on an endowment mortgage that cannot be paid off, there is also the possibility that he will be liable (with his ex) for the shortfall, presumably...

Happytobefree17 · 23/08/2017 14:39

How much money are we talking about here OP? £2K? £20K? £200k?

If in the region of under 5 figures, I would personally let it go. Solicitors fees alone will eat into the amount and your DH's DD will suffer from the fallout of being left homeless, albeit with the option of your own home to go to.

Elendon · 23/08/2017 14:40

I totally understand you want your own house with your DP and family together. But this is a mess. Get thee to a good solicitor (and weigh carefully the expense against the recuperation), perhaps also a good accountant.

MistressDeeCee · 23/08/2017 14:42

Yes OP it may be annoying but you have an option don't you? Your DH is pursuing it to Court so let the Court decide, simple as that. I don't see what it has to do with you that she worked part-time instead of full-time, its not your place to monitor her at all. As for her comments about being after your money too - who's to say your DH hasn't mentioned money to her? Men aren't the saints they are often made out to be. Let the Court decide and have done with it. If your DH really does want this sorted out then thats what he will pursue.

MrGHardy · 23/08/2017 14:47

*It's not a nice situation but you sound ott in your hatred of this woman...."

Why? I am not involved at all and I felt rather irritated by that woman. I don't think she is being unreasonable at all. Ex Wife sounds like a proper bitch.

Firesuit · 23/08/2017 14:48

If he's made no contribution towards the mortgage for the last 15 years or so, or towards the upkeep of the house,maybe things aren't aren't as clear cut as they seem from your post, and his ex has a valid point of view. Morally at least, if not legally

You need to divide the house return into income and capital gains. She has had all the "income" for 15 years, which you can estimate as what the house would have cost to rent less the mortgage and maintenance she's put into it.

If he retains his 50% of the capital, she has still had more of the house than him, as she's had 15 years of housing subsidy.

scrabbler3 · 23/08/2017 14:48

She should have sorted herself out with a better income when the child started secondary school. She's become too comfortable with maintenance and tax credits probably, and is taking the ostrich approach. I can sympathise - I was tempted to do this.

Reassure your stepdaughter that she has a room in your house if she wants it, and then encourage your husband to take this to court.

Viviennemary · 23/08/2017 14:49

This needs to be dealt with legally in a court room. It's not your job to support your DH's ex wife. Or his now his children are grown up. She just sounds incredibly jealous that you are better off than her financially and is trying to make a grab for what is yours. She won't succeed.

ADishBestEatenCold · 23/08/2017 14:50

"Surely part of the hundreds he paid her would be considered going towards keeping a roof over his DDs head?"

Child maintenance is not seen as a stake in property. I think he would also have to have continued to pay 50% of the mortgage/upkeep in order to maintain an unbroken 50% stake in the property.

"We also gave the DD pocket money or bought her clothes when she needed them, as parents are supposed to"

So he should!

Also that may be that is a result of your influence! You and he have been together, what, four years at the most?

[8 or 9 years divorced, 5 years separated prior to divorce ... so he and she separated 13 or 14 years ago. Then a 10 year relationship in between separation from his first wife and meeting you ... so 3 or 4 years].

He may well not have been such a hands-on or generous dad until he came under your influence, quite recently, but even if he was ... so he should have been!

Original poster
SSDGM · 23/08/2017 14:50

So.. been reading through and having a think about all that's been said and I've come to the conclusion she's actually, from what I've read, played this very well. She refused the divorce so he had to go for one without her signature, refused to make any sort of legal financial agreement for either the house or the kids, has ignored any and every request to finally get it sorted out and she in all likelihood will walk away stinking of roses and with a nice story about how her Ex is a bastard. All because she did nothing. Christ, I'm thinking now maybe I should pay her off after all so I can have my home with my husband.

I married him because I love him. For that reason I want my right as his wife to buy a home for us. I can't do that because she has sat with her finger up her arse for 15 years while I worked and acted like a reasonable human being towards the father of my kids. Life isn't fair I know, but fuck me that's a hard one to swallow.

OP posts:
LineysRun · 23/08/2017 14:51

But what are the actual financial figures? There could be NO equity at all in this house. There's no order. But there's a lot of liability to the mortgage lender.

I think OP's been sold a dummy by her DH.

innagazing · 23/08/2017 14:54

Fuck me, I'm getting some responses that are a bit pissy. Have I touched a nerve?

I don't think any of the responses were 'pissy'. They just express a possible different slant on the matter.However, the back story to all the finances have not really been fully explained so it's difficult to come to any firm conclusions either way.

You didn't 'touch any nerve' with me, in case that comment included me. I've built up what I own without anyone else contributing anything.

Bibidy · 23/08/2017 14:57

Can't believe some of the responses OP is getting here!

I would be frustrated too OP, it's totally unfair.

It's a shame that his ExW has health problems, but he is not responsible for her, they have been separated 15 years! She should have been thinking ahead over the last few years about what she would do when he no longer had to pay maintenance.

She will take equity from the house too, she will not be destitute, she will just need to pay her own way now that the children are grown. Just as her ExH as been doing ever since they split up!

swingofthings · 23/08/2017 14:57

What's not clear is whether ashes done nithing because he's been unreasonable with his request or because she's burried her head in the sand (or both).

What we seen to know I'd that he hadn't paid a penny towards the house since they separated but that he's put the deposit down. Before they married? After?

How long did he contribute before he stopped? Was that both interest and endowment? What was the equity then? Has she paid both the interest and endowment since? What's the equity now? It is possible that even 10% might be unfair let alone 25% depending on the above.

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