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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. To be furious at DH's ex Wife?

517 replies

SSDGM · 23/08/2017 13:03

DH split up with the mother of his kids years before he met me. In fact he had another 10 year long relationship in between us. Now their youngest DD is 19 and in employment the time has come to sell the house (or her to buy him out) as agreed. However she's changed her mind and is pleading poverty. She's ignored solicitors letters and mediation requests or left any correspondence to the last minute and has said she's about to be out of a job due to illness. DH has had enough and has instructed solicitors that Mediation will not work and to go straight to court. She now wants him to just sign it all over to her and walk away.
I'm fuming because I have 2 now adult DS's from my first marriage and after their father and I split I made a point to ramp up my career to look after us all where she has just ignored the passing of time and can't now cope without the maintenance and tax credits she got before her DS/ my DSD was of age. I have a little nest egg put away for a house deposit and earn a decent salary. She has now said she will come after MY money and she will be given the house they shared by the courts because she's poorer than I am.
DH is self employed and earns less than I do.

AIBU to want to get involved? How dare she sit on her arse working part time for years after the kids were old enough to take care of themselves and then piss and moan it's unfair that we have a nice life and should give her everything. I've always been nice to her to keep the peace, but I'm losing patience. Why can't she just bugger off?

OP posts:
Original poster
SSDGM · 23/08/2017 13:32

ADish - She doesn't know how much I have in savings/what I earn but as I said, if she's been told about the money we gave their eldest for a deposit/ wedding present she will know. We make sure the kids are looked after - all of them- taking them on holidays and paying for driving lessons etc.

OP posts:
TiredMumToTwo · 23/08/2017 13:33

We had this with my DH's ex, our solicitor just hammered her with letters and deadlines to take action until she caved and her Mum gave her the money to buy DH out. Get your solicitor to try the broken record routine or if she's determined, take it to court along with all your evidence of how you've been trying to resolve the situation. I totally feel for you, good luck.

Circumlocutor · 23/08/2017 13:35

'It's not a nice situation but you sound ott in your hatred of this woman....'

I disagree. I'd be raging if I was the OP.

swingofthings · 23/08/2017 13:37

I'm with you OP. Too many single parent opting for the easy life of PT work as with tac credits, maintenance and help with mortgage, they managed just fine, as fine as some working FT.

I have no sympathy with such patent who then plead the victim when it catches them up. They made a choice and that's the consequence they end up facing.

To be clear is the mortgage repayment only? Did he pay anything towards it after they separated? Could she afford something of her own, I.e flat if the house is sold?

nocake · 23/08/2017 13:37

Unfortunately it sounds like your DH will have to go to court, which gets expensive. If her solicitor isn't giving her good advice (or she isn't listening to it) then it gets even more expensive as it will drag out.

And get yourself a better solicitor. It will make a huge difference. When I got divorced I had different barristers for each hearing. The first was pathetic and didn't want to push my case. The second was brilliant and didn't let my ex or her barrister get away with anything.

MoiraRosesMeltdown · 23/08/2017 13:37

When did they actually divorce?
To me it seems simple. She either buys out your DH as agreed. If she can't afford that, the house is sold and she receives half the equity. Do you have any idea how much is tied up in the house?

BanyanTree · 23/08/2017 13:39

No more faffing around over it. Change your solicitor and start court proceedings. Tell her that due to her unreasonableness you have no alternative but to take it straight to court for 50% of the house.

Is there any way you can legally move your own money so it cannot be taken into account?

Circumlocutor · 23/08/2017 13:39

'I have no sympathy with such patent who then plead the victim when it catches them up. They made a choice and that's the consequence they end up facing.'

I tend to agree. She had years to plan for this occasion.

MaybeDoctor · 23/08/2017 13:43

Clearly her life hasn't panned out as she hoped. Her future looks a lot less rosy than yours and your DH's - yet he is an equally poor earner and is buffered by your income.

TheSockGoblin · 23/08/2017 13:43

What's the illness and how long has she had it?

DingDongDenny · 23/08/2017 13:46

What if your DH was to say to her. 'You can have 75% of the house, as previously agreed. But if you continue to stall then I'm going to court for 50%'

Original poster
SSDGM · 23/08/2017 13:47

They divorced about 8/9 years ago, he had to wait until 5 years separation even then because she refused to acknowledge his solicitor and wouldn't entertain signing any paperwork. Her whole attitude when she is asked to do anything is to say she is far too ill and or poor to think about it now.

We know the house is a mess too and is worth not as much as it should be as she took out a loan (with his permission) to get the roof mended and spent the money instead. It's an endowment mortgage I believe they were miss sold by her financial advisor father (now retired) and she claims the endowment will fall short of what is owed in secured loan and interest only mortgage. He didn't pay anything officially to her for the house, just maintenance into her bank that she didn't want to go through the CSA for.
The reply about a set deadline seems like a great idea. She will have to move then and if not we will go for 50%.

OP posts:
QueenOfVipers · 23/08/2017 13:48

She sounds like a grabby cunt.
It's unfortunate that she is ill and if she is so ill she cannot work/can't work much then perhaps she ought to look into PIP and/or ESA.
Either way she is not your responsibility and wanting to "come after your money" makes her nothing more than a grabby cunt.
She was offered 75% of the house, if it's big enough to raise kids in I'm sure she could've more than afforded to downsize even if she couldn't buy him out.
What a mess.
Let her take you to court. She will not win now that the children are gone.
I shouldn't think your assets would come into it either but you'll need legal advice on that

coddiwomple · 23/08/2017 13:48

you sound ott in your hatred of this woman....

I think the OP is remarkably restrain faced to someone who seem decided to maker her life as miserable as possible. The OP financial situation has nothing to do with that woman, who is totally out of order to try to get something from it!

Janeismymiddlename · 23/08/2017 13:50

Too many single parent opting for the easy life of PT work as with tac credits

Yes, of course, it is easy trying to juggle the commitment of work and children on your own. Really, really easy. No issues such as childcare availability, childcare costs, halving to take time off for illness, travel issues (school/childcare in one direction, work in the other, lack,of public transport, cost of maintaining a car), teens who don't arrive home, teens who don't do homework unless you stand over them, cost of training/retraining, dealing with appointments.....just because some single parents manage to make it look easy, doesn't mean that all single parent have the same starting point and the same hurdles to overcome.

SweetLuck · 23/08/2017 13:50

What relevance is it how much the OPs husband earns?

RachelP247 · 23/08/2017 13:50

I'm in a similar situation - the ex buggered off with his kid and wouldn't let DH see or speak to the child for years... last October all of a sudden he was allowed to speak to the child! I told him then and there his ex wants the house... (why are men so fcking blind?)...

Anyway, she DOES want the house and insists she is entitled to half of it even though she never paid anything towards the deposit, ANY of the mortgage payments and she has been out of the country for the last 7 years... (also they were not married, she's just on the deeds because my DH is a fcking idiot)....

Turns out she probably IS entitled to 50% of the place simply because she's on the deeds - and in actual fact had more claim to the property than I do as his wife because they were Joint Tenants... (I soon sorted that out and made him change that to Tenants in Common... so basically if he dies (which is not beyond the realms of possibility he's been a dick) then the whole damned lot doesn't go to her...

So we are now having to negotiate a "settlement" and try and raise some cash to buy her out which is all fabulous and stressful for me being 6 months up the duff....

My advice though before you do anything else is get the tenancy on the deeds checked to make sure they are Tenants in Common rather than Joint Tenants - that way you have more rights to the property - and definitely ask about her having a claim on your own money - I bet she does... property law is a fcking JOKE!

Good luck xx

Allthebestnamesareused · 23/08/2017 13:51

What was agreed in the original order? If the original order states that as DD leaves education he is entitled to a 50% share then thst is what can be enforced. If his solicitor is being crap hire a better one.

I can see your annoyance about the threat she'll come after your money.

However I think it harsh to criticise a single parent for working part-time to be there for her teenage kids. I actually think they need more support through gcse/A level years than when at primary age. Also assume that she didn't have a new partner to bear some of the load.

If there is a court order setting out what would happen then ask the solicitor to enforce it.

supersop60 · 23/08/2017 13:51

When you say 'split up' - are they actually divorced? If so, what was put in place as part of the divorce arrangements?
I think you need to change your solicitor, and do some research of your own.
The only way is to take it to court - I think she'll get a shock. Good luck.
PS - I experienced something similar several years ago. My DP (not divorced) was paying for everything out of guilt so there was no money left for us. I paid the mortgage on the house, all the bills etc and our best holiday was a rainy week in Cornwall. His W had holidays in Europe (btw she worked as well) a lovely new car. I felt as though I was subsidising her lifestyle, so I understand where you are coming from.

SomeOtherFuckers · 23/08/2017 13:52

@Cornettoninja but it does effect the OP?
She can't buy a house with DH until he is off of the previous mortgage .. the ExW has said she will try and take Ops money ...

Original poster
SSDGM · 23/08/2017 13:53

DingDong: That's exactly our next move.

We don't know what the illness is, but she's always ill. She is never well. She makes up stories that she can't see the grandkids as she is "radioactive" after having a scan or she can't babysit as the grandkids will give her "germs". She definitely does not have cancer, btw. If she was so bothered about germs she wouldn't let the cats shit all over the house.(going to stop that now, I'm trying not be too much of a bitch regardless of temptation).

She works as a Dr's receptionist and has been told if she goes off sick any more she will be fired (told to us by DH's eldest) and now she does have this actual mystery illness she is saying she will definitely lose her job.

OP posts:
Janeismymiddlename · 23/08/2017 13:55

Clearly her life hasn't panned out as she hoped. Her future looks a lot less rosy than yours and your DH's - yet he is an equally poor earner and is buffered by your income

Yes, it that's fine because he is decent, has a wife, and they share things. The ex, however, as a single parent is a grabby cunt according to one poster.

The misogyny beggars belief, as always. Don't know why it surprises me but it always does.

OP - the ex has no claim on your money so stop fretting. Move it along through the courts. You'll feel better as soon as she loses her home. Will serve her right, eh?

RedHelenB · 23/08/2017 13:56

Was there a financial consent order signed when he got divorced? If so then that can be enforced for relatively little. If not then he is starting from square one and as yours in the higher income household and she is in ill health then she may be awarded more than 50% especially if he had a decent oession and she doesn't.

HadronCollider · 23/08/2017 13:56

I don't understand why you are 'furious?' miffed I would understand. Plus you sound very derisory towards her. Sort of a 'I've got my shit together, why can't she?' sort of self-aggrandising, slightly contemptuous tone. She's not you. She's finding things more difficult, not as together as you are.

Having said that, yes she does have to sell up and move on if that was what she agreed can't imagine why she got that deal.

RedHelenB · 23/08/2017 13:56

Decent pension I mean