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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. To be furious at DH's ex Wife?

517 replies

SSDGM · 23/08/2017 13:03

DH split up with the mother of his kids years before he met me. In fact he had another 10 year long relationship in between us. Now their youngest DD is 19 and in employment the time has come to sell the house (or her to buy him out) as agreed. However she's changed her mind and is pleading poverty. She's ignored solicitors letters and mediation requests or left any correspondence to the last minute and has said she's about to be out of a job due to illness. DH has had enough and has instructed solicitors that Mediation will not work and to go straight to court. She now wants him to just sign it all over to her and walk away.
I'm fuming because I have 2 now adult DS's from my first marriage and after their father and I split I made a point to ramp up my career to look after us all where she has just ignored the passing of time and can't now cope without the maintenance and tax credits she got before her DS/ my DSD was of age. I have a little nest egg put away for a house deposit and earn a decent salary. She has now said she will come after MY money and she will be given the house they shared by the courts because she's poorer than I am.
DH is self employed and earns less than I do.

AIBU to want to get involved? How dare she sit on her arse working part time for years after the kids were old enough to take care of themselves and then piss and moan it's unfair that we have a nice life and should give her everything. I've always been nice to her to keep the peace, but I'm losing patience. Why can't she just bugger off?

OP posts:
Elendon · 23/08/2017 13:57

But she's never going to 'bugger off'. You are married to someone who has had children with someone else.

She's clearly being unreasonable but if there is illness involved then this will be taken seriously by the court. She needs her independence, as do you. Mediation costs money. I paid and went to the preliminary mediation consult and was told that my ex was abusive and to resolve it within the court system.

As it happened I did get the house and a pension. Be careful what you wish for. (I can understand your frustrations, I would be angry in your situation too, but I'd take it up with your partner and not her).

They need to sort it out.

MoiraRosesMeltdown · 23/08/2017 13:59

In which country do you live? Was this not all agreed on paper as part of the divorce? My experience is of Scots Law which could be different to where you are.

Original poster
SSDGM · 23/08/2017 14:02

Supporting teenagers - DH's DD failed her exams miserably even though we offered to pay for a tutor. Her mother was no support. His ex then decided when their DD finished education that the girl was far too depressed to work and tried to claim DSA and put herself down as their DDs carer. The DWP saw through this and since then the DD has been working in a fast food place. The Ex also has a partner who she has recently moved into the house in question. Until the DD started work they always lived apart. Not sure why.

I don't believe I'm any sort of angel but I just want it finished. Out of the way so we can carry on with our lives. DH said as soon as it's over he never wants anything to do with the ExW again. It's also frustrating for me as when my ExH and I split and divorced we needed no legal help and sorted everything equally between us. Including the sale of the house.

OP posts:
Elendon · 23/08/2017 14:02

Was there a financial consent order signed when he got divorced? If so then that can be enforced for relatively little

That's not true. I had to use some of my pension to sort out post divorce financial difficulties. My solicitors who were brilliant btw, told me it would be expensive to bring him back to court because he ignored the financial consent order. A solicitor's letter would never have sufficed. He would simply have ignored it.

Elendon · 23/08/2017 14:03

OP. Did you and your exH have children together?

Allthebestnamesareused · 23/08/2017 14:06

Was there a financial order within the divorce?

If not and he is starting from scratch when asking a court to divide assets they will look at the following:

Her taking care of children
Her health issues
Her ability to rehouse herself

Vs

Your husband's ability to rehouse himself and in this regard your income will be taken into account insomuch as his costs will be reduced by half as it will be assumed that you will be funding half.

Any pension he has is also at risk and thus it may be that any equity in the house is offset by equity in the pension.

If he did not get this legally sorted at the time of divorce it will be more complicated possibly.

Elendon · 23/08/2017 14:09

There must have been a financial order post divorce. When you divorce with children the decree absolute cannot be obtained without it when children are involved.

Unless he got divorced post children being independent? And you have only just got married?

Macaroni46 · 23/08/2017 14:12

Of course you're furious OP as I would be. She knew this was coming and has buried her head in the sand about it. Encourage your DH to fight for what he is owed ie 50%. If the ex was a man I bet some of the replies in suppport of her would be different. I get so frustrated by women who expect to be looked after on the one hand (thinking of the ex here not you OP) but who also clamour for equality on the other. Wishing you all the best with this Flowers

RedHelenB · 23/08/2017 14:12

Less expensive than starting from scratch and you could have self replied. A judge has the power to sign a house over if someone first comply.

innagazing · 23/08/2017 14:15

He didn't pay anything officially to her for the house, just maintenance into her bank that she didn't want to go through the CSA for.

So, he hasn't actually paid towards the mortgage for 15 years or so? Maintenance for his children is a completely different matter. How much maintenance was he paying out of interest?
If he's made no contribution towards the mortgage for the last 15 years or so, or towards the upkeep of the house,maybe things aren't aren't as clear cut as they seem from your post, and his ex has a valid point of view. Morally at least, if not legally.

Original poster
SSDGM · 23/08/2017 14:15

I have 2 DS from my first marriage. Both working and they split their time between our home and their father and pay board to both of us.

The issue of the house was left as an agreement between them as she wouldn't sign any paperwork at all so he had to go for 5 years separation without consent or else she would have happily not addressed the situation.

For the poster saying "I'll be happy when she loses her house" - that's just ridiculous. Her partner has a house she could move into but they've decided to move into the one my DH has his name on. We don't want half, he wanted 10% originally and she ignored that so he took legal advice, discovered he could go for 50% and offered her a settlement of 25%. I think he has been more than fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
SSDGM · 23/08/2017 14:17

Surely part of the hundreds he paid her would be considered going towards keeping a roof over his DDs head? We also gave the DD pocket money or bought her clothes when she needed them, as parents are supposed to.

OP posts:
Postmanpatisarubbishpostman · 23/08/2017 14:17

How long ago did they buy the house?

Who's been paying the mortgage since they separated 15 years ago?

ExConstance · 23/08/2017 14:18

The order about the finances should have been made at the time of the divorce, not now. I'm afraid your DH may end up losing out if it is the subject of litigation now.

Happytobefree17 · 23/08/2017 14:20

So her partner has his own house but lives with her in hers? So who is living in his house then?

HadronCollider · 23/08/2017 14:20

This reply has been deleted

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LineysRun · 23/08/2017 14:21

asked his DD not to tell her mum

That's unfair on the daughter

Original poster
SSDGM · 23/08/2017 14:22

I think I just need reassurance that I'm not going to have to give her 50% of my personal savings. They are really the only asset I have. I drive a company car and our house is rented due to him still having his name on that property.

We wanted this sorted before our wedding which she knew about because the girls were bridesmaids and now it could all be a massive mess. I just don't see why I should suffer for decisions she has made regarding supporting herself in the future.

OP posts:
Lucysky2017 · 23/08/2017 14:23

The first relevant legal issues as a few people above have mentioned is was there a final order (a consent order) dealing with finances on the divorce. Most people insist on that but it sounds like your husband chose not to deal with that at the time and is now paying the priec for that failure. Lesson to everyone else - get it sewn up before decree absolute and the court will order it if you cannot get consent from the spouse.

Second issue is in England, not Scotland, assets and money are decided at time of these financial orders - not date of separation so it can be a bad idea to let time pass. Anyway we are where are here now.

So next she presumably earns just about nothing and he more but there are no infant children. A 50/50 split might be appropriate and the house will have to be sold. However the court will look at both side's private pensions to - does either of them have a pension and all their savings - and their current debts and mortgage before doing a 50./50 or other % split and looking at whether spousal maintenance orders should be made.

What has been given to children does not matetr. I have given a lot to our children but I still had to give loads to their father (as he earns less than I do).

ADishBestEatenCold · 23/08/2017 14:24

"We make sure the kids are looked after - all of them- taking them on holidays and paying for driving lessons etc."

That's irrelevant. He should do this for his children.

I still think the only way he can deal with this is via the legal route, however (with your last couple of posts) it is sounding rather more complex.

"He didn't pay anything officially to her for the house, just maintenance into her bank"

It is very possible that a court will consider the maintenance payments he paid into her bank as child maintenance. It will certainly be irrelevant that she did not go to the CSA for assessment ... neither did he.

Therefore, in final settlement it may be that a court takes into account that he hasn't paid into the mortgage of the house for the last 14 years, just the first x number of years of ownership of the house.

As someone mentioned earlier the court may well take into account her reduced earning and career development capacity, due to being the main carer of their children.

Add to that the fact that it is an endowment mortgage, not a repayment one (and she could well be right in saying that the endowment now fall far short of the original loan, quite common). All in all, it could be that your DH actually does stand to get significantly less than he hopes for.

In the absence of agreement, the legal route is indeed the only way to sort this out. It is likely they will both end up with significantly less than they would hope for.

I also think your husband should keep in the back of his mind that this is still his younger daughter's home. Very hard for a 19 year old to get their own home nowadays, even when working. Will she be able to live with you when she becomes homeless?

Original poster
SSDGM · 23/08/2017 14:24

Fuck me, I'm getting some responses that are a bit pissy. Have I touched a nerve?

The ExW's partners house is currently empty because he has to "sort out the loft" but then he is going to rent it out.

OP posts:
nocampinghere · 23/08/2017 14:25

hmmm if the financial agreement when they divorced isn't solid then they will look at OPs finances in terms of his household income vs her household income, ability to support themselves etc...

sounds like she has been paying the mortgage herself since he left? he's been paying maintenance? she could argue that wasn't for the mortgage.

but yes get a solicitor who will get it sorted

Allthebestnamesareused · 23/08/2017 14:25

I think you should probably have a read of this.

If your DH got divorced without a financial order being made at the time the ex-spouse does not have to abide by what was informally agreed.

As mentioned before, the value of the property less the mortgage (and any shortfall from the endowment), the fact that she made the policy payments and interest payments etc will be taken into account, the fact that she was the resident parent will be taken into account, her health and so on.

Your DH's income, pension and other assets are considered "fair game" and also the fact that you re married will actually decrease his outgoings as it will be assumed that you pay half of your joint living costs.

Was he advised at the time of the divorce by a solicitor or did he do a DIY petition. If he had a solicitor at the time it would have been poor advice not to get a consent order or clean break order in place before applying for Decree absolute.

I fear he is in for an expensive battle.
www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-jan-apr-2017/decree-absolute-ends-marriage-but-not-financial-commitments/

Billben · 23/08/2017 14:25

It's not a nice situation but you sound ott in your hatred of this woman....'

I don't agree with this either. I would be absolutely livid if I was OP.

Elendon · 23/08/2017 14:25

I'm afraid that your husband is totally at fault here. You need to protect your savings too.

If he's made no contribution towards the mortgage for the last 15 years or so, or towards the upkeep of the house,maybe things aren't aren't as clear cut as they seem from your post, and his ex has a valid point of view. Morally at least, if not legally.

Not just mortgage repayments but the upkeep of the house, which in 15 years is considerable.

Are you in the UK?