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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. To be furious at DH's ex Wife?

517 replies

SSDGM · 23/08/2017 13:03

DH split up with the mother of his kids years before he met me. In fact he had another 10 year long relationship in between us. Now their youngest DD is 19 and in employment the time has come to sell the house (or her to buy him out) as agreed. However she's changed her mind and is pleading poverty. She's ignored solicitors letters and mediation requests or left any correspondence to the last minute and has said she's about to be out of a job due to illness. DH has had enough and has instructed solicitors that Mediation will not work and to go straight to court. She now wants him to just sign it all over to her and walk away.
I'm fuming because I have 2 now adult DS's from my first marriage and after their father and I split I made a point to ramp up my career to look after us all where she has just ignored the passing of time and can't now cope without the maintenance and tax credits she got before her DS/ my DSD was of age. I have a little nest egg put away for a house deposit and earn a decent salary. She has now said she will come after MY money and she will be given the house they shared by the courts because she's poorer than I am.
DH is self employed and earns less than I do.

AIBU to want to get involved? How dare she sit on her arse working part time for years after the kids were old enough to take care of themselves and then piss and moan it's unfair that we have a nice life and should give her everything. I've always been nice to her to keep the peace, but I'm losing patience. Why can't she just bugger off?

OP posts:
nocampinghere · 23/08/2017 15:23

all this angst and anger over £4k? Confused

Happytobefree17 · 23/08/2017 15:26

I think you need to let this go. There is not a lot of money at stake and your DH is fortunate that he has a partner who is sensible with finances.

His priority should be in getting himself off the mortgage so that you can move forward with your life together.

Don't let yourself get dragged down with petty squabbles.

LisaMed1 · 23/08/2017 15:28

She could be paying less than £250pm on the endowment, mortgage and loan put together. She could believe that the endowment will pay everything off (hahahahahahahaha). If she is on any sort of low income then she could have a serious struggle to raise even the £4k.

If I were in her shoes I'd be tempted to do nothing for as long as possible as any other action would mean paying out money.

When does the endowment end? Most were for 25 years (others were available). If it has only a year or so left then it may be worth hanging on and waiting because I'm almost willing to bet real money that the endowment won't pay out enough to cover outstanding mortgage. She will be forced to do something then. You may have leverage.

Good luck.

LineysRun · 23/08/2017 15:30

TheRealBiscuitAddict I read that to myself in the voice of Robert Rhinder and I think you're bang on.

OP, you're walking into a maelstrom of your husband's making. Back off and walk away from that house while you can, is my advice. It's too little money for such grief and risk.

Personally, I think your marriage was precipitous with his previous marriage's finances unresolved, but hey, that's just me.

LisaMed1 · 23/08/2017 15:30

nocampinghere £4k is a lot of money to me.

Original poster
SSDGM · 23/08/2017 15:33

The endowment is up in 2 years. It's not now for just 4K. Even if he signed the house over to her she would have to remortgage and if she is as poverty stricken and her credit is as fucked as she says then she couldn't even get the small mortgage needed, let alone give him any money.

The only option is to sell the place. She won't be homeless. The partner she has been with for 8/9 years has a house of his own and no dependant children.
She has played a complete blinder on this. I'm quite in awe of it.

OP posts:
Happytobefree17 · 23/08/2017 15:33

4K may be a lot to you Lisa and it also may be a lot to the OP's DH's EXW. But the OP says herself that it's not a lot of money in context to herself and her DH in their current position. Which is why it is best to let it go.

SerfTerf · 23/08/2017 15:34

Is it possible that her credit is so fucked she can't qualify for anything that requires credit checks?

These are tiny sums tone causing such angst. You'd think she'd just take a personal loan and be done with it under normal circumstances.

PurpleMinionMummy · 23/08/2017 15:34

Is ex wife going to accept a simple handing over of the house/his name off the mortgage if the endowment is likely to fall short once the mortgage ends?

Happytobefree17 · 23/08/2017 15:36

But so what if she's played a blinder OP? You are in danger of sounding bitter now. If you and your DH are happy and settled then why would you want to go through this battle for the sake of 4K less the cost of solicitors fees which very likely would leave almost nothing if not cost more than 4K?

Original poster
SSDGM · 23/08/2017 15:36

Of course not. She's already reminded him he's liable too.

OP posts:
SerfTerf · 23/08/2017 15:37

She has played a complete blinder on this. I'm quite in awe of it.

Oh come off it, either you're portraying her as a sadsack cat lady in a tumbledown house who bullied a good man.

Or she's a Machiavellian genius cackling with triumph in her £90k castle.

Make your mind up.

Original poster
SSDGM · 23/08/2017 15:40

I think I've been misunderstood. He originally asked for £4K, was ignored and took advice where he was told he was entitled to 50%, so he asked for 25% of the actual equity (about £9k) and she also sought advice who told her he was entitled to 50%. So she sacked that solicitor off for "lying" and has since ignored everything. She knows what he is entitled to and he's only ever asked for less than that, he lived there and paid the mortgage for 8 years.

OP posts:
Elendon · 23/08/2017 15:41

Yes, 4K is a lot of money (bear in mind a good solicitor earns this every month). However, it's the payment to recuperate ratio that is important. If you pay a solicitor thousands to get back hundreds then not good. However, if the only way the OP can get a new house is to enforce a sale (some mortgage companies are not so flexible), then it might be worth spending the 4K. And walking away. To begin their new life together.

(I did guess rightly you had just married).

LineysRun · 23/08/2017 15:42

he lived there and paid the mortgage for 8 years

It doesn't matter now

Original poster
SSDGM · 23/08/2017 15:43

And SerfTerf, is it possible for her to be both? I'm starting to then she could be both. It's just she's unaware that she has played a blinder then when she does get away with dragging this stupid situation on for a few more years she can then run her hands together with glee...

OP posts:
HiggeldyPiggeldy · 23/08/2017 15:43

you should be annoyed with your DH for not sorting this out at the point of separation/divorce or soon after I'm surprised it wasn't suggested by the solicitor. YABU blaming her for the whole situation when your dh is at least equally to blame

for the sake of 4k I would let it go, it could end up costing you a lot more

SerfTerf · 23/08/2017 15:44

You need to emotionally detach.

LisaMed1 · 23/08/2017 15:44

It has just ocurred to me. Please someone correct me if I'm wrong but if there is a shortfall between endowment and mortgage outstanding, then your DH will be equally liable for the discrepancy with the ex as both are on the mortgage. Banks go after the person with the most money, regardless of who should have been paying, so the ex could send them after your DH. What is worse, if the worst case happens, failing to pay the shortfall and the house being repossessed would put a stonking great black mark against any other attempt to get a mortgage, so it would be in your DH's best interests to pay off the money owed.

If I'm right then it's logical, if not moral, for your ex to do nothing for her own best interests.

You may be stuffed. Can you get a mortgage on your own?

Elendon · 23/08/2017 15:45

How do you know she 'sacked the solicitor off for lying'?

How do you know he paid off the mortgage for 8 years?

I think you and your husband need to have a very, VERY, frank discussion. And that's before you go to a solicitors.

If I were a solicitor who was half arsed, I'd see you as a money spinner to be frank.

ADishBestEatenCold · 23/08/2017 15:46

"I'm confused about endowments as my mortgage was a repayment but from what I know about my parent's it covered the initial price of the house which they paid interest only on and then when the endowment matured there was enough in there to pay off that initial amount plus some left over. Is that not right?"

That was the theory and I think it possibly did work out that way for some of the earlier ones, but for a lot of the loans it turned out that (when the endowment matured) it didn't cover the original loan! You need to be very sure.

Also, whose name is the endowment in? (I see her father set it up). Is it in both their names, or just in hers?

At 35k 14 years ago, I am guessing that they might have bought a Local Authority property at a hefty discount. Yes?
How was that discount accrued? It must mean that either one of them (unlikely to be both, given the timings involved), or perhaps another family member, rented the house for a long period beforehand to accrue the discount.
If this was the case, who was it that rented? (This can have a bearing on the final settlement).

Original poster
SSDGM · 23/08/2017 15:48

*rub not run.

I just want him off the pissing mortgage. I'm his wife. She's not. He's a bellend but he's my bellend. She knew the kids would eventually grow up but she didn't prepare. I did. I was a single mum who had to find childcare. I had to put a roof over mine and my boys heads and looked forward to them reaching (mostly) independence. The last step in moving forward with my life after marrying this glorious bellend of a best friend who makes me happier than anyone else on the planet is being held up by someone who chose not to plan for her future. I will take that just a bit personally.

OP posts:
LisaMed1 · 23/08/2017 15:48

ADishBestEatenCold mid nineties was twenty years ago and it depends on the area. There were quite a few older terraces at that price around at the time here, and some places still have cheap housing.

SerfTerf · 23/08/2017 15:49

I thought it was £35k in the mid nineties?

That says "north" to be rather than "RTB", particularly considering the current value.

freemanbatch · 23/08/2017 15:49

When did he get solicitors advice as to his rights over the house? Was it before or after you married?

You should never remarry without first financially separating yourself from your previous wife/husband as you lose a lot of right once you remarry. This was the very first thing my solicitor told me when I started trying to divorce my ex (who five years on still refuses to acknowledge financial matters and is about to be taken to court to sort it out)

I know it's frustrating when the other side won't acknowledge things and the process is slow but you have to follow it anyway and keep going or you end up in the position you're in relation down the line.

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