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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. To be furious at DH's ex Wife?

517 replies

SSDGM · 23/08/2017 13:03

DH split up with the mother of his kids years before he met me. In fact he had another 10 year long relationship in between us. Now their youngest DD is 19 and in employment the time has come to sell the house (or her to buy him out) as agreed. However she's changed her mind and is pleading poverty. She's ignored solicitors letters and mediation requests or left any correspondence to the last minute and has said she's about to be out of a job due to illness. DH has had enough and has instructed solicitors that Mediation will not work and to go straight to court. She now wants him to just sign it all over to her and walk away.
I'm fuming because I have 2 now adult DS's from my first marriage and after their father and I split I made a point to ramp up my career to look after us all where she has just ignored the passing of time and can't now cope without the maintenance and tax credits she got before her DS/ my DSD was of age. I have a little nest egg put away for a house deposit and earn a decent salary. She has now said she will come after MY money and she will be given the house they shared by the courts because she's poorer than I am.
DH is self employed and earns less than I do.

AIBU to want to get involved? How dare she sit on her arse working part time for years after the kids were old enough to take care of themselves and then piss and moan it's unfair that we have a nice life and should give her everything. I've always been nice to her to keep the peace, but I'm losing patience. Why can't she just bugger off?

OP posts:
LineysRun · 25/08/2017 10:18

I doubt the ExW and her boyfriend will agree to complicate their lives in order to simply the lives of the OP and her husband, though.

I wouldn't touch the situation with a bargepole until all financial documents were assembled, to assess liabilities and charges.

INFP · 25/08/2017 10:24

Well, quite Liney.

The ex wife is doing what a lot of people would do if they were facing eviction from their home. She is protecting her interests. I don't blame her for doing whatever it takes to hold on to her and her daughter's home.

Ellisandra · 25/08/2017 10:42

Thanks for the SDLT correction INFP!

Ellisandra · 25/08/2017 10:45

I did smile at the idea of the boyfriend being dragged - financially - into this.

OP, remember your initial position with your then boyfriend - that you didn't want to marry until he had sorted all this crap out with his XW?

I think you have to allow her boyfriend to hold the same opinion - if I were him I'd be steering very very clear of her inability to sort out a split from 14 years ago!

That you drive her daughter to the passport office etc... totally irrelevant. That's not a good reason for her mother to give up the security of her and her daughter's home!

LineysRun · 25/08/2017 11:10

Also, the fact of OP's husband's remarriage has to be taken into account. If he didn't petition for ancillary relief prior to his remarriage, he's on shaky ground over any rights to the house. He's only got liabilities. So he has no bargaining position.

Original poster
SSDGM · 25/08/2017 11:49

Liney - I've realised this and I think he has started to realise it too. Personally I'm now thinking if it costs us every penny of my (our) savings to be out of the whole situation it will be worth it. Anything we have to pay now to tie up any loose ends will not be wasted if it gives us the ability to leave that all behind and crack on. He will also learn an expensive lesson. If she was unreasonable over granting him a divorce and ignored that then why would she be reasonable now, eh?
I was reminded last night about something I heard on a Dr Phil show I ended up mindlessly watching one night where he said "you can either be right, or you can be happy". I can't stand the bloke, but he has something there.
If you can hear a strange sound it's me kissing my house deposit goodbye. Sad Absolute fuckery.

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 25/08/2017 11:49

Not true. This only applies if the second property is not the main residence which in this case, it is.

I'm not sure this is correct. When I spoke to my mortgage broker about buying a house, he said my husband and I would have to pay the extra stamp duty because my husband is still on his ex's mortgage. If your total number of houses increases, from 1 to 2 (or more), then you are liable for the extra stamp duty.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 25/08/2017 11:53

I'm now thinking if it costs us every penny of ^my^ (our) savings to be out of the whole situation it will be worth it... He will also learn an expensive lesson

He won't learn an expensive lesson if he has YOUR savings to pay for it. That's a fre lesson for him, and an expensive lesson for YOU.

I'm all for supporting a husband, but seriously - make him find the money to fix this. Using your money to fix this would ruin your marriage, ultimately. How could you fail to feel massively resentful later on?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 25/08/2017 11:55

If you can hear a strange sound it's me kissing my house deposit goodbye.

This is a mistake. A big one. Don't do it. Thank me later.

INFP · 25/08/2017 12:01

When I spoke to my mortgage broker about buying a house, he said my husband and I would have to pay the extra stamp duty because my husband is still on his ex's mortgage. If your total number of houses increases, from 1 to 2 (or more), then you are liable for the extra stamp duty.

That will have been because your husband's ex was still using it as her main residency. As your husband is still on the mortgage, it will be considered his main residency too.

LineysRun · 25/08/2017 12:03

OP, I'd get every single piece of paper you can on the table, and then decide what to do. Original divorce paperwork and petition; mortgage statements; mortgage and title deeds; loan details; endowment statements - you know the pack drill.

I know you love him, but I'd probably be wanting to annul the marriage by now ... unless I was specifically told 'marrying me will cost you £20k' I'd be struggling to get over this debacle.

INFP · 25/08/2017 12:03

Even if you own more than one house, if the new property is your main residency, it is not subject to SDLT.

PoorYorick · 25/08/2017 12:04

There are lots of ways the ex wife an with her new boyfriend buy out the ex husband and that may well be the solution and if that leaves the new boyfriend in a mess so what

Well, surely the point is that the boyfriend has absolutely no reason to do it in that case. Perhaps he has seen the almighty mess before him and has decided he has no intention of marrying her until it's sorted out, precisely to avoid this very situation!

Even if he could sort it out at no risk or loss to himself...why should he? None of this is of his making.

Jaxhog · 25/08/2017 12:12

Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but under English law at least, he would be under no obligation to support her - just the children? So any maintenance paid would have been for the children, not his exW.

Your DH needs to grow some, and put an end to this by going back to court, if the time has come for the support to finish. Once the court is involved, she will have no choice but to comply.

Ellisandra · 25/08/2017 12:28

You're wrong.
Under English law, the decision on what support was due is ultimately down to the court.

There are some things that draw a line under support for a spouse - for example, remarriage.

In reality, with 14 years of living separately, I don't see any judge deciding she now should get a lifetime aware of spousal support!

But, despite the years she is still in a position to request that court award (for example!) 50% of any private pension that he has. Her argument could be that she didn't work / worked part time / had her career and earning prospects reduced by providing childcare or supporting his career.

Before the OP jumps on me and says that she never did any of that... it's an example.

And this is why I think the law should be changed to make a Consent Order a compulsory part of the divorce process!

Lucysky2017 · 25/08/2017 12:31

Ellis is right. Also peole go back decades later if there is no clean break consent order and get more money - a senior barrister or judge's ex wife of 20 years got more fairly recently even though he'd had a second wife for 20 years. He had not had that vital clean break consent orxder. In fact I think he had a consent order but it was not clean break - it had nominal or something spousal maintenance which means she can claim more years later.

OutToGetYou · 25/08/2017 12:43

" a senior barrister or judge's ex wife of 20 years got more fairly recently even though he'd had a second wife for 20 years."

Yes, it would be HER remarriage that would prevent that, not his.

milliemolliemou · 26/08/2017 15:19

OP - I know you love your husband. I wouldn't be putting him on the paperwork of the new house, though.

SenatorBunghole · 26/08/2017 17:28

They're married, so not having the house in his name doesn't offer the same protection to OP that it might if they weren't.

Jaxhog · 26/08/2017 18:01

You definitely need to get some legal advice from an expert.

Original poster
SSDGM · 26/08/2017 18:07

I don't understand what you are implying, millie. Why would I not put my husband on the house we will buy together when all this is sorted? I'm wise enough to protect myself.

Yes, I do love my husband and all this questioning of his character is confusing me. He was ignorant of the law and a bit lazy when he was much younger but that doesn't mean he's some sort of bastard. What part of he's been dealing with this from as soon the date he believed he and his ex had agreed to came am I not making clear?

OP posts:
Original poster
SSDGM · 26/08/2017 18:09

We have had legal advice. the first lot said he can go for 50%, now we are being told he needs to pay for everything and walk away because his ex all of a sudden is unable to work.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 26/08/2017 18:42

Nobody has said he is a bastard or a womaniser or any of the other things you've been inferring. Nobody thinks he is a bad person. It's simply that some of us think your ire is misplaced and it's not fair to blame the ex entirely, because she's only done exactly what he has....failed to address a major outstanding issue and buried her head in the sand. Since he's the one with loyalty to you, he's the one you should be addressing.

user997799779977 · 27/08/2017 10:28

Haha so many women projecting on this thread. OP, the exW is a disgrace useless human being. And how dare she said she was after your saving? Sounds like the worst type of system playing scum.

SenatorBunghole · 27/08/2017 10:39

None of which is either relevant or helpful to OP, though. She's going to get precisely nowhere with a how very dare she approach. Best thing here is to depersonalise it and do what's in OPs financial interests.

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