.. To be furious at DH's ex Wife?

[SSDGM]

DH split up with the mother of his kids years before he met me. In fact he had another 10 year long relationship in between us. Now their youngest DD is 19 and in employment the time has come to sell the house (or her to buy him out) as agreed. However she's changed her mind and is pleading poverty. She's ignored solicitors letters and mediation requests or left any correspondence to the last minute and has said she's about to be out of a job due to illness. DH has had enough and has instructed solicitors that Mediation will not work and to go straight to court. She now wants him to just sign it all over to her and walk away.
I'm fuming because I have 2 now adult DS's from my first marriage and after their father and I split I made a point to ramp up my career to look after us all where she has just ignored the passing of time and can't now cope without the maintenance and tax credits she got before her DS/ my DSD was of age. I have a little nest egg put away for a house deposit and earn a decent salary. She has now said she will come after MY money and she will be given the house they shared by the courts because she's poorer than I am.
DH is self employed and earns less than I do.

AIBU to want to get involved? How dare she sit on her arse working part time for years after the kids were old enough to take care of themselves and then piss and moan it's unfair that we have a nice life and should give her everything. I've always been nice to her to keep the peace, but I'm losing patience. Why can't she just bugger off?

Again, stop wasting energy thinking about what she's done and why. Focus on yourselves.

If there is a shortfall in the endowment, and I believe a lot of endowments of that time are likely to under pay, then both DH and ExW are equally liable for 100% of the shortfall. The DH won't just owe 'his half'. Both are liable for all of it. The bank will go after the person with the most money.

I think you should get an endowment statement asap.

Good luck.

NB The shortfall isn't likely to be massive compared to buying a whole house but may be a few thousand and there will be no reason for ExW to do anything about the house at that point.

Thanks Lisa.
Senator, I agree. I was just upset with the fact people seem to think she's the injured party here and it's the primary fault of my husband. He's not perfect, but he's not selfish.

Lisa - this is what I've told DH, best situation could be we hand it all over just as she wants and allow it to bite her on the arse in the future and we can just carry on saving towards our home.

What was your DH thinking should happen before you told him that? Are you on the same page now?

I'm sending hugs because it sounds like you've got a lot on your plate.

I think you and your DH need to make the call about how much you can afford to lose and how much stress you want to take. However I'm not sure that your DH can get his name off the mortgage without ExW re-mortgaging in her name (or the equivalent, like a personal loan).

I think it's going to be a mess no matter how things play out and I think you may need to save up for yourself over the next few years until there's a clearer picture.

I am dizzy from all the going round in circles. Your inability to face the bleeding obvious is astounding, OP. I need and a lie down in a dark room.

I dread to think what money this woman has possibly lost in poor mortgage decisions for 23 years

What, like the 10 grand she borrowed to fix the roof but instead spent it on herself?

OP, if it comes down to your dh having to pay towards the shortfall then i would definitely push to sell it regardless.
If it isn't fair for him to claim 50% or any other amount because he didn't contribute towards the mortgage for X years, then why should he be paying her expenses?

I think he was a bit lost and trusted the solicitor would move things along but that's clearly not what's happened. We are on the same page now and he understands just how much is getting a home means to me.
I am younger than him and we made the decision not to have a child together so we could focus on a comfortable future together and after the excitement of our wedding and honeymoon that's our next task. If his ex had stuck to her word a year ago when their daughter turned 18 (yes I know he shouldn't have believed her ) we could have been well on our way to making that a reality. I don't think that's unreasonable.

£10K that she borrowed and paid off herself, it sounds like.

So your point is?

Jane what is the bleeding obvious? You tell me. If it's that my husband is selfish etc etc then I'll direct you to every post I've made that says I understand he's been a fool about this but he is not selfish.

Ellisandra - she hasn't paid it off. It's added to the mortgage which she is continuing to pay interest only on.

'it sounds like' is NOT a fact

For all anyone knows it could still be owing.

Did she ever get the roof fixed OP?

So what actually was their agreement?
50:50?
His deposit back?
Her taking as much % equity as she had paid more than him?
Him picking up a share of the endowment shortfall that for the last 10 years has been all over the press yet he didn't even check who it was with?

He doesn't seem to actually have had an agreement from what you've said.

Nope. Roof not fixed. House hasn't been decorated since they split.

ahhhh!

all the more reason your dh should not sign it over until he's got proof he can't/won't be held liable for any costs.

Agreement was his name would stay on the mortgage to prevent her having to remortgage (which she couldn't do on her part time salary) or sell the house until their daughter was of age and then the house would be sold and he would receive 10% of the equity as he had put 10% down as the deposit before they married. That was the plan.

I stand corrected on the term of the loan - you described it earlier as a secured loan so I thought it might be for a shorter term. Still, she's certainly almost paid it off I would think.

She won't have been allowed IO on an additional loan without an additional endowment and by 10ish years ago endowments were pretty out of favour.

Hasn't she been paying IO on the original mortgage and repayment on the additional secured loan? In which case, she's mostly paid it off.

Hopefully he knows what he agreed to.

But she would have been able to take on such a small mortgage even on a part-time salary. I did, after my ExH and I divorced. I joke about 'getting custody of the mortgage'. I also got the title deeds.

I was just upset with the fact people seem to think she's the injured party here and it's the primary fault of my husband

Who said that? I certainly didnt. You are seeing what you want to see. Anyone who doesnt agree that it is all her fault is in your view saying that she is he victim when you wont find a single post by me that says that.

What I said was that YOUR situation, being unable to buy your own home, or at least the home you want, is not her fault. It is precisely nothing to do with her. The fact that it is affecting what you can buy with your husband is his fault for not dealing with the issue a lot sooner and not pushing her a year ago when he had ample opportunity to do so.

Yet you refuse to accept it and keep blaming her instead of placing the blame firmly where it belongs.

So the house price was £35k. DH put down £4k, so that leaves a mortgage of £31k. An endowment was taken out that should repay the £31k of the initial mortgage. Then a £10k loan was added to the mortgage, leaving outstanding mortgage of £41k and a vehicle to repay £31k. Most endowments are likely to be a little short anyway, maybe as much as a few thousand short.

So even if the endowment doesn't fall short, it's still going to be a problem.

Is the loan due to be up at the same time as the endowment? When the load was added was the mortgage term extended? Was another endowment or insurance policy taken out?

I think you need to unpick exactly what is going on, perhaps with a red hot financial advisor. The ExW may well be getting a slice of your money because it could well cost a few thousand to sort out and you are going to be affected.

Yes, Lisa, that's exactly the conclusion I've come to. She does have a good case to get everything AND have us pay for it. Especially as her future earning potential is now so much diminished.

As a reasonable person I believe the easiest outcome in all of this would be for the house to go up for sale, even if she kept every single penny of the proceeds. His name off the mortgage, she gets a lump sum that she could never dream to save up without the sale, she has a long term partner who's property she can move into and DH and I get to start afresh. however I can't see that happening.

If your DH doesn't hand over money when it all hits the fan, do you think ExW's boyfriend will bail the house out? I mean, he could potentially fund a re-mortgage if he's got an income.

apparently he does have a reasonable paying job so I'm a bit confused why him buying out my H, even for a small amount, hasn't been suggested.