About Christmas Day (yes I know it's early)...

[PoppyH56]

This is me thinking very early on but I need some advice as MIL seems to think August is a great time to bring up Christmas Day and the plans for it.
Me and OH currently live in seperate houses, however have recently bought a house as we are expecting a baby in 6 weeks so will be living together very soon. My OH lived at home with other siblings, who have moved out this year so MIL/FIL now live just them two. I also have siblings who still live at home with my DM/DF.
In our relationship so far we have always spent xmas eve night at our own houses, woken up in the morning seperately to do presents and dinner with our families. I would then go to my OH's around 7 and spend my evening there. We'd then wake up, and come back to mine to spend Boxing Day lunch at mine.
Obviously this year it's a bit different as we will have a 3 month old baby and I know everyone is excited and looking forward to it therefore all want the baby at theirs for most of the day. 😬

MIL has been in touch with OH yesterday to say "I know it's early but you will be having xmas dinner here with the baby, won't you?" I really do like my MIL (don't get me wrong) but she is very heavily involved in all aspects of our lives and it can become a bit frustrating. He has said yes (without speaking to me first) even though we haven't planned our day yet.

Can people who have a child and their own house please tell me how they organise their xmas day? I know it's early and it seems crazy petty but obviously the topic is coming up already and I don't want people to think one thing if another is going to happen. I also don't really want to not have Christmas lunch with my family either as this is what I have always done and would prefer, probably the same with my OH with his family. I also don't want us to spend any of the day apart as would love our first Christmas to be altogether as a family and not split up to keep either side happy.

God this all sounds so silly when you write it down but I know it will end up being such a big thing. any tips?

We spend Xmas eve doing an activity with dn and dn

Xmas day at inlaws

Boxing Day at ours with ils and friends

poppy Christmas is absolutely the wrong topic for this! The op does NOT want only the diehard I love Christmas people responding. She wants others who understand she does not want to be thinking about Christmas in bloody August but her mil is making her. People like you but obviously nicer than you.

OP I would go with the actually we will decide later that you are but personally I'd decide xmas would be at my mums and we would tell mil in a few months. A 3 month old is very young and you would be more relaxed there by the sounds of it, but also she is being very rude pushing in to call dibs on the baby and I'd want to make it clear that is not going to work for us.

I used to love Christmas. Until I got with my partner and his mother demands he always go down there as that's how it's always been. She had always hosted Christmas and OH had always been to her house..... Until last year when i was 8 months pregnant and I was 4 weeks from giving birth and I refused to travel 200 miles away incase I went into labour as I did not want to give birth where she lived. I was a bit hormonal and I offered OH to travel to his mum's and I would stay at home with my family. Normally he would of probably gone, but he would of been devastated to miss the birth so he stayed at home and his mum came up to us. On Christmas day I announced that next year we are having our family Christmas in our home and whoever wanted to come can come and if they don't want to the we will see them some time. MIL had a face like I had pissed on her Christmas dinner but tough. Her boys were never not at home at Christmas. So I am doing the same.

MIL is panicking because she has empty nest and so she's trying to get in there first by pinning everyone down now. I feel sorry for her really because it must be hard...all those wonderful years of family Christmases and then the worry that you might never get to spend it with your family again. I would put money on that's how she's feeling. The thing is, it's your turn now and it's only fair that you have your turn to do Christmas how you want to. Do you know what you actually like to do? Fairness aside.

We rotate. One year at home and another year at my parents. It works well for us. There were a couple of years of DHs distant rellies who wanted to see us so we did....but we would just sit there all day with no offer of food and disorganised mayhem where plans would be made in advance and then changed on the day to get "oh did no one tell you". So in the end we stopped going as it was miserable, but it was all fine.

I think as long as you can find a friendly balance that you're happy with then it should be OK. If MIL gets upset then you just have to stand firm. Easier said than done.

I would decide based on how you feel when LO is here. As it's your LO's first Christmas and only if it's not too much effort might it be possible to split the day. For example breakfast at ILs and then head to your parents at about 2pm for lunch or vice versa. Then home for the evening. It gives everyone a meal and time together.

It is very important to do what you want to do and not to be forced into doing something because your parents, ILs, partner or MN declare it to be the best way. If you and your partner disagree, then there might be quite the negotiation and compromise for you but don't be led too much by what other people say is best.

There is quite a bias on MN for staying at home and telling wider family to PISS OFF. You get told to be firm and use sentences like the one typed out by keeponworking. Of course you may very well speak to your loved ones like that but I suspect in rl, if you said that to somebody who loves and cares for you, you'd cause a great deal of hurt. You might want to spend the day with your parents and that's fine. You might want to split the time. You might want to bugger off on holiday just the three of you. Don't be put off by the descriptions of constantly being in the car or dragging children around. It should be about what YOU want. We always see my parents on Christmas Day (and my brother and nieces and nephews) and the children aren't dragged anywhere whilst protesting. They aren't screaming about leaving their new toys (Christmas isn't actually about new toys in our house although they are a very pleasant diversion) and we aren't missing out on new traditions. It's what WE want to do and the children absolutely love the adventure of going to see much loved family on such a special day.

Your MIL sounds very excited. I am always saying this on here but your MIL is watching her baby have a baby. She has all the love, fierce protection and amazement at the wonder that is her offspring as you will. Her new grandchild is an extension of that and she is feeling proud, excited and very much in love with your new baby. Of course she wants to spend Christmas with you all. It isn't her decision to make though and you must make the choice that is right for you and yes, be gently firm with her about it. I'd very much caution against marching in there and telling her to piss off though. Try not to take offence at her wanting to buy things and be involved with her grandchild. She will genuinely love that baby you are carrying and that is a bloody good thing. Don't see it as a bad thing if you can. I suppose it's just a plea to be a bit gentle and kind. Unless there really is more to this than you've typed on here in which case, you may have to be a bit firmer. It's not a battle. It's a whole family loving a new baby and being excited.

Congratulations and have a fab Christmas with your new baby.

How my parents did it with 3 children

Christmas eve - maternal Grandma
Christmas day - just us
Boxing day - paternal Grandma

How we do it, geographically our parents houses are close - same town. So we travel to them, luckily we now live closer because 3 hours in a car with a baby wasn't so great.

We open presents at home at 7am, we travel 1 hour to my sisters (big house) mid morning and have a full Christmas lunch there, with my family. Present opening early afternoon.

Travel 20 minutes across town to ILs mid afternoon and have a buffet dinner there at around 6pm because they had Christmas lunch like us.

We have done this for years. But for you it doesn't have to be about 1 day, you can make it over 3 days. For little ones opening 3 lots of presents can be overwhelming, plus my children don't actually get to play with their presents, just open and almost move on.

We have boxing day to ourselves, then go to a play on 27th with a large group of people then back to one of theirs for a party.

1 day recuperation from that and then have the IL family to ours so they can see the gifts we bought the children etc.

We created our own traditions, blending Dh's childhood with my own childhood. We do stockings from FC and then all other presents from us, or from whoever buys them. So the children know who to thank.

Even if you do something this Christmas it is not set in stone for evermore

We had a 5mo at Christmas last year and we stayed with IL's for a few nights then visited my parents for Christmas Eve but spent Xmas day and Boxing Day alone at ours. Was the best solution for us and we loved it!

If I were you I would spend Christmas morning with breakfast and some presents in your own house, just the three of you. Toss a coin (well before Christmas Day!) and go to the 'winning' side of the family's house for the rest of Christmas Day. Go to the 'losing' side on either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. No flitting between the two on the day to please everyone or you'll end up tired and won't enjoy it. Next year do the reverse. Continue this routine until it no longer works for you.

This works for us as everyone knows exactly what is happening and can plan accordingly (and don't try to get 'dibs' on you in August ).

It sounds like you are all close together so you could have morning just the 3 of you and then eat Christmas lunch with one, visit the other set of GPs in late afternoon, head home for evening chill out and then do boxing day with whoever you think fairest based on what you did last year. That way everyone 'gets' a bit of baby's first Christmas day...

We dont live near our family so we had first Christmas post child at home with my family and dh's side came from boxing day, the year after we did dh's side and didnt see mine at all and so the alternate schedule was set!

My MIL always remembers 'her' year but cant remember when its not and keeps trying to corral us into plans !!! 😒

When we first had DD we carried on having xmas dinner with my parents (much more settled family dynamic) and then Boxing Day with IL's.

However, I eventually realised that Xmas Day from my own childhood was based around being at home with my DP. It was a special day playing with toys, watching movies with Dad and Mums amazing xmas dinner.

So that's what we do now... just the three of us xmas day and visit family or have them over Boxing Day.

I was hospitalised 4 months after my wedding. MIL asked if we'd like to come to her for Xmas when I was in hospital. Was so surprised at this question in August I just said OK. Told my DM when she came to visit, who went nuts and made such a fuss she ended up being banned from visiting me by my consultant.

To keep the peace we ended up doing the turn and turn about every Xmas until I had our first DD five years later. She was a crier, her DF worked nights and so I said I was having Xmas at home to avoid the carting everything around between GPS houses and somehow I ended up with both sets of parents and grandparents for Xmas day.

Amazingly, it all went swimmingly even to the point of DD taking a nap straight after Xmas dinner. Phew, I thought, I can have a rest while everyone washes up.

Not a bit of it. My dog had got out of garden, found some fox shit - her favourite - and chose the moment I sat down to come back. I spent my DDs rare nap bathing the bloody dog. As I was given a cuppa when I'd finished dog, DD woke up. Loudly. She didn't sleep for another 24 hours.

I spent most of my first marriage pleasing both mothers. I wish I'd been better at pleasing myself. Wouldn't have saved marriage, but I might've been able to take back my own life sooner.

Showofhands, you have made me see it in a slightly different way so thank you! I get what you mean with the baby having a baby stance and I can tell she is just terribly excited. I will be more thoughtful in my approach with her but still forceful in the fact that I would like us to start our own traditions too. Thank you

OP do not make any plans.

Our first Christmas with a baby last year with a two month old. My dad had decided to go out for Xmas dinner and pregnant I was all for it yeah yeah when it came closer after the birth I wasn't keen and was pushed pushed pushed to go etc. All day I felt uncomfortable, people wanting to hold baby, having to be dressed up for a meal etc. You might not feel like that but I was unprepared for how I would feel.

Hm. I'd hold fire and see how you feel when baby is here but honestly, I'd do Christmas Eve and Christmas morning in my own home, then to my (your) parents for lunch then to the in laws for tea... as pp though that's because I hate basically being told what I will do.
With no children, DP and I currently spend Christmas Eve with his parents, home to ours for the night and the morning, then to my parents for the rest of the day (lunch etc), then back to his parents, and extended family, for Boxing Day.
This will be changing when we do have children glares at DP as I just much prefer he idea of being in our own home!

Invite them all to your house late morning for a drink and present opening and photos with baby, but stay at home this year.

You will be very tired, packing up the huge amount needed for a new born and going to each house will be a nightmare.

No lunches anywhere, this will be the last thing you need, and you will be trying to establish some kind of routine so will want to be close to home.

Trust me this is the only way forward. Promising you will be anywhere before checking is a no no, and better to start as you mean to go on (with you deciding and considering things carefully beforehand)

This year keep it the three of you at home with no visitors then either visit mil Christmas Eve and your parents boxing day or other way round.

Next year MiLs for Christmas Day, year after your parents for Christmas Day (or other way round) and keep rotating that way.

I love threads like these, makes me realize that I'm not the only one with awful demanding in laws needy family.

We had our first DD last year and age was 3 weeks old at Christmas. We got asked in MAY what our plans were for Christmas by DH parents....we both just said we had no idea as we'd have a newborn. Mil then said oh well you'll want a relaxing one so come here and I'll look after baby whilst you two chill. We both reiterated we would let them know once baby here as we wouldnt know how we'd be feeling.

She then asked every month after what our plans were, till we lost our patience and said just please wait, we don't know!

My parents were going away and had days they didn't mind missing this one as they'd see her the following Christmas when she's more 'agile & fun, aware etc'

Come December when baby's born mil says congrats at hospital then followed by "so are you coming Christmas" I just said please not now.

Long story short after a terrible birth and infected stitches and back and forth to hospital for first 2 weeks of her life, we didn't go & chose to stay at home just us 3. Was bliss. Then in the evening walked down the street to have a drink with neighbors.

Apart from the fact that it caused the mother of all arguments, mil & sil slagging us off still to this day about the fact we couldn't travel to theirs (2.5hrs away) but could walk to our next door but one neighbors.....

Point of this OP is PLEASE do what is best for YOU AND BABY you'll only regret it.

Parents and in laws should respect what you & your DH want to do as a family.

OP how you feel/think now will be very different to how you think/feel in 3 months time. Giving birth & bonding with baby will change priorities & family dynamics like nothing else.

Have a think about what you want to do once your precious baby has arrived. There's no rush

We do late breakfast at home, lunch with one set and tea/evening with the others. Then home to bed

Since Ive had my DS I've never visited anyone on Christmas Day or Boxing Day. Always stayed home and we turn our mobile phones off too!

We are massively into Christmas and our families are not huge. DIL and SIL on his side Mom, Stepmom and 3 sisters on my side and in the run up, so starting November we have a day out with different family members to do something Christmas related or just go round to deliver presents etc. We phone each other Christmas morning then that's it till after Boxing Day.

We get up Christmas day, all have a shower, put on New clean PJ's, open presents, clear out all the rubbish and basically veg until dinner is done! Turkey cooks overnight on a slow cook. We don't even sit at the dining table, we clear the living room table (huge square thing) and sit round that admits much more relaxed and we talk about our favourite presents, plans for the week and talk a lot about my Dad! The afternoon is whatever films are on, playing with toys, gadgets and games!

I couldn't think of anything worse than having to get dressed and go out. Boxing Day is a massive walk (2/3 hours) in the park then home for shower and films. I love it. Absolutely love it. It's the only two days of the year that we don't put anything in the calender.

I go to mine, he goes to his! We'll alternate spending an hour or two in either house, before dinner, year on year. We've two children!

And the kids come with me.

I'd spend Christmas day with the 3 of you and arrange to go to one on boxing day and another the day after - 3 Christmases!! Once the baby is here you may prefer to stay at home for one day rather than run around.

Christmas is a frigging nightmare, and this illustrates exactly why - its a strange pressure cooker of expectations of "togetherness" which brings out a ridiculous need to lay the highest claim to relatives in some people.

Emotional blackmail agogo...

With a new baby you'll be greatful that someone else has volunteered to do dinner!
You get to have a lie in, open your presents together, lazy breakfast. Then visit one set of parents at noon for a couple of hours, before going to inlaws for lunch at 2. Home by 6 for a quiet night in with baby in its own bed. Bliss!