About Christmas Day (yes I know it's early)...

[PoppyH56]

This is me thinking very early on but I need some advice as MIL seems to think August is a great time to bring up Christmas Day and the plans for it.
Me and OH currently live in seperate houses, however have recently bought a house as we are expecting a baby in 6 weeks so will be living together very soon. My OH lived at home with other siblings, who have moved out this year so MIL/FIL now live just them two. I also have siblings who still live at home with my DM/DF.
In our relationship so far we have always spent xmas eve night at our own houses, woken up in the morning seperately to do presents and dinner with our families. I would then go to my OH's around 7 and spend my evening there. We'd then wake up, and come back to mine to spend Boxing Day lunch at mine.
Obviously this year it's a bit different as we will have a 3 month old baby and I know everyone is excited and looking forward to it therefore all want the baby at theirs for most of the day. 😬

MIL has been in touch with OH yesterday to say "I know it's early but you will be having xmas dinner here with the baby, won't you?" I really do like my MIL (don't get me wrong) but she is very heavily involved in all aspects of our lives and it can become a bit frustrating. He has said yes (without speaking to me first) even though we haven't planned our day yet.

Can people who have a child and their own house please tell me how they organise their xmas day? I know it's early and it seems crazy petty but obviously the topic is coming up already and I don't want people to think one thing if another is going to happen. I also don't really want to not have Christmas lunch with my family either as this is what I have always done and would prefer, probably the same with my OH with his family. I also don't want us to spend any of the day apart as would love our first Christmas to be altogether as a family and not split up to keep either side happy.

God this all sounds so silly when you write it down but I know it will end up being such a big thing. any tips?

I would say this year go to mil, next year your parents. Next year dc will be excited and opening gifts, it will be their first "real" Christmas.

Start in your own home, have breakfast and gifts, go for lunch then come home, do Boxing Day with your parents. Swap for next year, making it clear you are taking it in turns.

As an aside - I hate the MNers who just click on all Christmas threads to tell you that you aren't allowed to talk about it until end of November, August is on the early side, but many families do need to sort logistics early, or else it means December is crap rushing about getting all the shit done you could have sensibly spread out over autumn.

Here's a question OP: what would YOU like to do?!

Is there an idea you already have about how you would like to spend Xmas? If so, I would do that. Or would you like to wait until you have the baby and then decide? If so, I would do that.

Having a family of your own is a very natural stage to reevaluate how you celebrate traditions. Don't miss the opportunity to do that because as is the way of traditions, whatever arrangement you choose quickly becomes traditional! Do it while you have a new baby and establish a tradition of your own (whatever that is) and it will quickly become the norm. Much easier than changing it down the line.

Sounds like your MIL will feel that she is having to lump it, and may let you know she is not happy but tbh from what you have described, a little wake up call about boundaries for her sounds v useful.

As for your DP agreeing to Xmas at hers without talking to you - that's a different problem! You're a team now and he can't make decisions on his own. You can simply tell him he cannot make promises without your agreement and it is not yet decided where you will spend Xmas. He needs to create better boundaries with his mother but that is for him to put into action.

But seriously, first Christmas with a new baby is a great time to change things up - if that's what you want. So have a think about what YOU want.

Normally we go out for dinner with my family for dinner and DPs family in the evening. This was the same before we lived together too.

Last year DD wasn't due until beginning of January but came December 13th and was let out of hospital just in time for Christmas. We did the same as planned.

This year we are treating the day as her first Christmas. DP has quite a big family of siblings, nieces and nephews comparing to me with just DM, DF and DB so the compromise has been to all go out to dinner together, all 15 of us. The morning will be for the 3 of us and probably the evening too.

They all want to see DD so they can do it at the same time. Win win situation as I will also get to eat my dinner in peace.

Oh yes and I know some people hate Christmas or get upset about it as they've had bad experiences at that time of year, but there are many threads that the title alone will trigger negative emotions in other posters, they don't get told they are only allowed to talk about it on dedicated sections.

The tiny house and the no dining room are a red herring. Most young people have the same sort of issues and the parents might have better facilities for hosting but dining tables and a crown derby tea set are not what is important here. You and your partner and your baby being happy together and having a lovely time is what matters.

Decide together what you want to do, maybe after the baby is here and do that.

Ah, I see I'm not the only one who has been railroaded into Christmas commitments already

We got married this year and planned to spend our first Christmas at home with our DS, no guests. We hosted both sets of parents last year for Christmas Day, and thought our other siblings (all 30's and 40's) would perhaps step in.

But sadly no. MIL invited us for Boxing Day and put us on the spot, and I knew my DM would feel put out (though wouldn't say anything), so we are spending Christmas Day with my parents.

Next year I'm planning to book a hotel break for me, DH and DS v early in the year, to avoid this!

We used to alternate between both sets of parents, but once we had a family we stayed at home and they came to us.

We alternate. Both my 2 are autumn/winter babies so we're teeny on their first Christmas and I spent those years at my mum's. It was easier for me to just snuggle in a corner and breastfeed/do my thing while my parents and siblings fetched me mince pies and stuff. I love my mother in law but Christmas with her and FIL is hard work and I didn't need that post c-section with a small baby.
Do what will be easiest for you. I like alternating between households at Christmas but that first year i needed my mum and as the person in our relationship that had most recently grown an entire human then undergone major surgery to get that (frickin massive) human out of me my needs came first.

So the baby isn't even here yet and MIL is already planning baby's first Christmas at her house.

Put your foot down now and stand your ground.

First Christmas in your new home with your new baby as a family. I would definitely being staying in and letting them pop round for a bit with presents for the baby if they want. You can spent Christmas Eve with one set and boxing Day with the other.

Everyone usually comes to us and I cook. This year we're going away for Christmas as it's the first without my mum and I just can't face it. So we're hiring a holiday cottage close enough that my dad can come if he wants, PIL both died when DP was very young and everyone else can sort their own shit out this year.

I'm dreading this for future Christmases! Our first baby is due in January. Both sets of parents have split up, but mine live hundreds of miles away... so there's four families to keep happy without even considering our own family! Argh.

Hope you're able to come to some arrangement that everyone's happy with, OP. If it comes to it though, I agree with pp though about going to MIL's this year when baby is small and your own DP's the following year when they're more interesting lively

I have a large extended family and difficult mother and I used to dread Christmas day. we would spend most of it on the motorway with tired, hungry young children that just wanted to be at home playing with their new toys. We'd end up having Christmas lunch at 6pm at my mums, with young children who'd been up at 6 and not eaten since breakfast. A few years ago I put my foot down and said we are not leaving our own house on Xmas day, people are welcome to drop in, lunch is at 1, but we aren't moving. Was the best thing we ever did around Christmas and everyone, including my mother, has a much better time.

We always stayed at home with the kids. Not such a big deal this year for you with baby being so small but I didnt see why kids should be dragged around all day. Parents were welcome to come in the morning or evening to see the kids but the rest of the day was just us at home. This wasnt the way it was when I was small, we always went to my nans for xmas lunch but its ok to start your own traditions

We've always had Christmas dinner in our own house, even when it was just DH and I. We see the ils on Christmas Eve, and my parents on Boxing Day. Christmas Day is quiet and reserved for just us - id hate to have to spend the whole day out visiting and fitting into other peoples schedules!

I recommend NOT getting into a routine of Ils one year, your family the next. We have (30 years married ) totally avoided any routine - sometimes we host, sometimes we went to ILs, sometimes we went to my parents, a few times we went on holiday abroad, couple of times we worked (hospitality), a couple of times we volunteered at a Church lunch.

That way no one has any 'expectations' - but maybe we are particularly lucky as don't seem to have the sort of families that makes demands on us - even now my 80+ year old parents make it quite clear that they are happy with Christmas alone in their own home (I appreciate it will be different when only one of them is left).

After so many Christmases (I am nearly 60) I would quite honestly be happy with a day completely on my own . I am determined not to be the sort of MIL that insists on my DS spending the day with me - despite having an only child.

Since having kids we've spent Christmas in our own home. Anyone is welcome to visit (though my parents are 170 miles' away, and don't travel), but we won't go anywhere ourselves!

We see my family at some point near to Christmas and DH's family a fair bit. It works just fine.

Always always had Christmas at home together, initially home too small to invite people so we travelled to visit them Boxing Day, alternating each year.
Now house is big enough we invite them alternating each year.

We stay at home just us on Christmas Day and catch up with the 4 sets of parents/stepparents/grandparents on otheir days.

"MIL, OH and me are really pleased that you are so looking forward to the arrival of Baby PoppyH56 but I need to tell you that you're beginning to spoil it by being competitive and demanding over choices which are myself and OHs to make, not yours and not my parents. Wrangling over access to a baby which hasn't even arrived yet is completely draining and spoiling my enjoyment of the pregnancy - this is a time for me and my OH and these decisions are ours. OH should not have agreed to your demands for Xmas. What happens at Xmas is a decision for me him and we will let you know what we decide AFTER the baby has been born and when I am ready to do so"

Christmas is not just one day - it's a whole week here. Think if it that way - it helps!

Well the way I see it, you can either do xmas dinner at his dps this year and yours next (or vice versa and keep rotating), or you can do it at home just the three of you.

We do it at home with just the four of us (2 dc). It's relaxed and chilled and I wouldn't do it any other way now.

Xmas morning at ours. We have my husband family over to do their present's at about 9.30am. They leave after about an hour then we go to my dad's for the rest of the day/for dinner. Works well for us as his lot don't really do anything and I love my dad's!

Our house is tiny with no dining room but we still host Christmas. Can seat 8 or people round the (expandable) kitchen table. Might not be opulent but it's cosy.

Our eldest is 14. We have never had Christmas "alone" Whatever you put in place can become set, so think very carefully about what you agree to! Dc enjoy the whole extended family thing, but I feel more and more that our Christmas is put on pause while they're here as it's hard work.