About Christmas Day (yes I know it's early)...

[PoppyH56]

This is me thinking very early on but I need some advice as MIL seems to think August is a great time to bring up Christmas Day and the plans for it.
Me and OH currently live in seperate houses, however have recently bought a house as we are expecting a baby in 6 weeks so will be living together very soon. My OH lived at home with other siblings, who have moved out this year so MIL/FIL now live just them two. I also have siblings who still live at home with my DM/DF.
In our relationship so far we have always spent xmas eve night at our own houses, woken up in the morning seperately to do presents and dinner with our families. I would then go to my OH's around 7 and spend my evening there. We'd then wake up, and come back to mine to spend Boxing Day lunch at mine.
Obviously this year it's a bit different as we will have a 3 month old baby and I know everyone is excited and looking forward to it therefore all want the baby at theirs for most of the day. 😬

MIL has been in touch with OH yesterday to say "I know it's early but you will be having xmas dinner here with the baby, won't you?" I really do like my MIL (don't get me wrong) but she is very heavily involved in all aspects of our lives and it can become a bit frustrating. He has said yes (without speaking to me first) even though we haven't planned our day yet.

Can people who have a child and their own house please tell me how they organise their xmas day? I know it's early and it seems crazy petty but obviously the topic is coming up already and I don't want people to think one thing if another is going to happen. I also don't really want to not have Christmas lunch with my family either as this is what I have always done and would prefer, probably the same with my OH with his family. I also don't want us to spend any of the day apart as would love our first Christmas to be altogether as a family and not split up to keep either side happy.

God this all sounds so silly when you write it down but I know it will end up being such a big thing. any tips?

Christmas should be banned.

It causes so much hassle for so many, when it should be a time of joy.

I hate it, but have it worked out now to suit ME and DH at last, after years of doing it for everyone else.

Sometimes you have to take a stand.

First year with our first baby was spent at the inlaws. It worked okay as baby was only 3 weeks old and I had had a c section so it was nice to put my fwet up.

Since then we have stayed at home(we now have 3 children). Each set of parents visits early in the day and then we have Christmas dinner just the 5 of us. We tend to visit in laws on a day over the Xmas period for a family Xmas get together when everyone is free,

Ever since moving in together we have done an order of 1. My parents 2. His parents and then 3. On our own/us hosting. Each set of parents knew this and accepted it 😊

Our eldest was three months old when he had his first Christmas. We were right in the misery that was colic, nothing could have prised me out of that house and go through it at someone else's! Once the kids were old enough to understand Christmas they just wanted to be at home with their new toys.

I would just stall, and say you really don't know what you'll do, depends on how you feel etc, because you can't possibly know at this stage what you'll feel up to when you have a baby.

I have never done the taking turns, going somewhere on Christmas Day. ITs always been reserved for just 'us'. Neither set of parents would have been happy so from day one I never did it.

Your MIL is definitely calling dibs on spending her Christmas with your new baby.

It might be a really nice break for you, have someone cooking for you and then you can go home to a tidy house.

Or you might just want to sit on the sofa in PJs leaking milk and not feel in the slightest bit like socialising.

It's too early to call. Just decide what you want to do, but be aware that you are setting a precedent.

Just Remember once you start this your setting in motion something for years to come.

If I had my life again xmas would be for us alone, no family no who's house. Tell them you want Xmas to be yours.

Your baby your first Christmas if you want to stay home then do it, sod everyone else
You'll never get the baby's 1st Christmas again
We used to do that before we were married then babies came along so now we always stay put
We usually have my parents and Nana lucky not MIL

start as you mean to go on

That is all. You need to fix that in your head. Spend Christmas with just the three of you. Create your own traditions (some of yours, some of his and plenty of unique ones). Visit everyone on boxing day.

I spent all of my children's childhoods pleasing our parents. It's a big regret.I so envy and respect those friends who upset their families on year one but didn't really get hassled or hosting after that.

Thank you for all your replies. I'm going to ensure OH knows from now on to say we don't know yet as it's too early to tell without baby being here and knowing how I'm going to feel.
I feel massively put out by my MIL - she is so involved to the point whereby it has almost come out as a competition (completely one sided as my DM is unaware) between her and my DM. even silly things mentioning what my DM has bought baby is met with a "Oh I wanted to buy that" with a look of sheer disappointment at not getting in there first. it is very odd and is draining me slightly. I'm scared for how much worse it's going to get when baby is actually here!!
But I'm going to make sure I lay down the ground rules and say we won't have it any other way. Damned if OH doesn't listen to me and continues to say yes - he will be wishing he had.

Having been through this hell already, I'd say have babies first Christmas at home with you.

Christmas was always a huge stress. I always ended up cooking and family descended on us and ruined our whole day. When DC2 was just a few weeks old, I cooked, in between breastfeeding every hour, missed DC1 opening presents, and spent the day cleaning up after cooking.

Never again! as we don't see them anymore

Whatever we did year one, it was the same every year. Stress for me.

Now we have heavenly Christmas times. No one else, just us. I get a lie in. I enjoy the dragged out present giving. And cook when I want.

Bliss

Cruciatus has it absolutely spot on!!

I think the main thing to learn from this is that you and OH need to have a talk about not committing to anything without chatting it over with each other first.

There's no easy way to choose where to spend Christmas - of course you are more comfortable with your family and your traditions, just as your OH will be with his family and their traditions, but you are now a new family unit of your own, and need to start your own traditions.
I would advise against trying to travel between both, and trying to please everyone though.
Generally speaking, you will both need to compromise in the coming years, so, whichever you go to this year, let them understand you won't be there the following year. However, my tip isn't to directly alternate as things change in your lives and no-one should feel entitled. Maybe spend the 3rd year in your own home. Maybe go to siblings or maybe invite one set of parents or other set to you.

Good for you OP. You really do need to make a stand now. DH and I deliberately didn't get into any rotating at Christmas, sometimes just us, sometimes hosted friends, sometimes with either of our families. Sometimes we go away for Christmas.
Don't mention whatever your mum has bought for the baby. Very often babies puke on things so having extra cab be handy (though not extra bulky items).

Really, you are a family in your own right, decide with OH what you'd like to do, not what you feel you should do.

The best option is to not think about xmas day (and it is just a day) until after the summer is over.....

What do you mean, "from now on?" Your husband has told his mother you're going there on Christmas Day. If you don't want to do that (or think you might not), then you/he must get that plan changed asap, before it becomes set in stone.

We rotate each year. But honestly the best bit of advice I feel I can give to a new set of happy parents is to spend your first one alone. Open your gifts together, feed baby, all nap, have a lovely stress free dinner and relax. Bliss

And also once you have a child traditions change. You get to make your own traditions. Your child, your home!
You could tell people it's just for the first xmas, and that you'll rotate each year afterwards.

Ah yes, I remember this one. I think we chose MIL because it was her first grandchild but My mums 6th. But in other years we've managed both. Christmas lunch at one, and then a late evening Christmas dinner at another. Two Christmas dinners on one day is great! But if you can't face that suggest one does a buffet affair instead. Nowadays we spend most of the day at home, see one in the evening and one on Boxing Day and the competition has certainly worn off.

I'll have tiny baby this Christmas too, and we'll be at my parents' house because we can stay there and it will be very relaxed. Neither me or DH want to cook on Christmas Day with a newborn to take care of, and so my parents offered. FIL and his wife are very posh and formal, and we have never been invited for Christmas, I honestly feel like they look down on us. I've been for dinner at their house once in the 10 years with DH. They refuse to come to our house, for various strange reasons. But obviously that's very different to OP's post. Just tell everyone you'll make plans nearer the time due to baby. If they have a problem with that, then they ABU.

You need to really think about this because whatever you do now is expected every year and it gets really hard. We now see my family one oh family quickly on Christmas Eve for a cuppa, then home early enough for the whole reindeer food, santa food, listen for Bells, check where santa is on santa tracker etc, then Christmas Day totally on our own, kids open presents, meal just us etc, then Boxing Day we see both families again, oh family first and then mine later on.
The reason for this is as the children get older they really like playing with their presents and not having to leave it all to go round another house so it works for us. However it did take mil to get her head round it as she wanted oh at home with her every year but she was ok once we explained why we wanted this and that we would make sure we saw them at the following times.

Poppy you really need to tell your oh that he needs to go back to his mum NOW and not time she brings it up and says he sorry he didn't think about it being the babies first Christmas and as such he never should have said you would go round but you'll be happy to see them at x
You really need to deal with this now otherwise she's going to say she's already got this or that because you said you were going so that you can't back out!

You are moving into your new house and having your first child together. This is the year for you to start your own traditions or you'll be forever trapped in a cycle of "well you spend last Xmas with them so it's our turn"

My DH and I spend Xmas eve with friends, we then spend Xmas day just us in our own house. We have done this every year for 10+.

Last year we had our first baby who was three and a half weeks old and we had nothing but demands on our time at all times in the run up to Christmas and during/after. I'd had a difficult birth and wasn't in the right headspace to be my usual confident self so I needed my DH to be on my team. Please believe me when I tell you how important this is going to be for you - your DH needs to get on board. Now.

We stood firm and it was about the only thing that kept me sane, knowing that I didn't have to see anyone that day.

Boxing Day is when we do our visits, we visit them so we can leave when we are ready. We take the dog and the baby and see my parents (two houses) and my PIL. It's a long day but we break it up with a nice dog walk and a drink at the pub but we're lucky that all are quite local. We then don't really see anyone again until January except friends. It's bloody lovely.

Decide what is important to you and stick to it. My PIL sound exactly like yours with the competition and being overbearing. It's exhausting, and it doesn't end once baby is here!

Before dc we used to alternate between parents. Now we stay at home all day
If people want to see us they come to us. Some years I cater for 13 some just the 4 of us depends what others fancy doing.

Our first married Christmas was spent at my parents (400 miles from PiL so couldn't do Boxing Day at one etc). We did new year with PiL. For next Christmas we also went to my parents - shocker! - as we had a 3 month old baby and that is where I wanted to be. Fortunately PiL's attentions were elsewhere as they had just had another grandchild. We have evened it out over other years. I couldn't have been anywhere aside from either at home (but I love big Christmases and lots of fuss so wanted to go to someone who would host us!) or with my parents for our first child's first Christmas - I felt I could call dibs on this one, and I do feel extremely strongly that the choice is yours and not DH's, however unpopular an opinion that is on MN. You need to surround yourself with people who will support you at a time when your child is still very tiny and you will have no idea how you'll be feeling. MiL is already showing herself to be exhausting - please protect your first Christmas from her shenanigans.

Once we had the baby,Christmas in your own home is the best option.You ad dp and baby are the main family now.Everyone else has to take a back seat.And 3 months is still very young.So even if its just for this year i would say put.