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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I've got an hour before I get to my mums. Please peel me off the ceiling before I get there.

414 replies

TippyTinkleTrousers · 22/08/2017 19:50

We have two boys 10 and 6.

The six year old has multiple severe allergies and an immunodeficiency and been out of hospital a lot of his life.

He's anaphylactic to dairy, egg, banana, nuts, shell fish with a moderate allergy to wheat, soya, pollen, animal dander and more.

He sees a specialist in London Eva Lina and they test him annually. The allergies are getting worse but we are aware and in control of them.

He's never stayed away from us ever.
When we go somewhere I provide all food for him to make life easier for everyone. Mainly him!

Last night he stayed at my mums because I'm on a placement. I provided all food, said he just eats that.

She called me and asked if he could have lemonade. I say yes as long as the ingredients are just water sugar etc and no allergens.

She called me later and said "Can he have Rowntrees Ice Cream?"

I said "you don't mean ice cream do you? You most mean ice lollies, just the fruit juice."

She said "yes ice lollies."

2 hours later she calls me to tell me it was 63% skimmed milk powder in it and he's fine.

Doctors have specifically told us to totally avoid milk because we tried a baked milk challenge gave him baked milk and he had crippling stomach ache and dihorreha the next day for hours it was horrible.

We are now flooring it down the motorway telling her to give him antihistamines, it will take an hour to get there.

I was angry very very angry (though didn't shout at her I had to be calm and tell her what to do in case he started reacting) but now I'm sick with worry.

I mean this is fucking life or death. I'm astounding, shocked and relieved that afte 2 hours he has no symptoms but all is not over.

I will have to take tomorrow off because with experience he will be in screaming agony like last time.

For fuck sake.

This is his first every night away from me. I really trusted my mum. I really thought she knew that ice CREAM was a sign and she knew to read labels.

OP posts:
Ruralretreating · 24/08/2017 21:59

Glad he's ok Tippy. And rjg Flowers for you, what a horrendous experience. They'll always be those who think they know better than the doctors like my DB and SIL

3boys3dogshelp · 24/08/2017 23:17

So glad he's ok.
I think the reason you're annoyed with your mum's comment is that she is effectively opting out of minding him again because it's too hard for her. As his mum you don't get a bloody choice, and you do this all day every day for years to keep him safe. There is no reason at all for her not to step up for one night to give you a break. You had even prepared all of his food. What you asked her to do was not impossible by any stretch and she is implying that it was.

MadameDuvet · 24/08/2017 23:28

Glad he's ok OP

My ds is severely egg allergic. Last week we went to a restaurant. Asked twice about the meal he chose and were assured no egg. He started eating felt funny didn't want any more bit odd we thought. Anyway we left about half an hour later and his lips started to swell up. Then he was in agony, stomach pains, vomiting, swollen face and crying he was going to die he was terrified.
Turns out the meal DID have egg in.poor ds was on antihistamines for a whole week as if they wore off he agreed feeling bad again I dont think I slept much I was so worried

alliwantforchristmasis · 24/08/2017 23:30

@laiste I agree we thought she understood and after the fact she did but we still didn't have the trust until ds was a lot older to leave him with her unsupervised.
And as you said it can be that I never hurt you attitude that defies belief.
Thankfully my ds knows what he can have and can't have but you still have to check as what was safe once might not be know as ingredients change especially when they "improve" the recipe.
OP glad your ds is ok and hopefully you won't need to do the mad drive again.

alliwantforchristmasis · 24/08/2017 23:42

@tippy @trixy that thread saying that they've never heard of it needing a eppi pen how stupid and irresponsible of that person to think that you are just overreacting to something that they think is trivial, I wonder if as a parent they have ever had to do the run with your child going blue in the ambulance hoping that you get to the hospital fast enough for the medication to work. It make me think that the person would laugh at someone with a nut allergy eating a peanut, how insensitive of them.
A reaction isn't always immediate it can take a while for it to occur, longest my went was 3 hrs before needing help.
Hope you never have to use the pens.

ApuskiDoo · 24/08/2017 23:57

What a terrible experience for you all.

A grandparent did similar with my allergic dd. Without making a huge fuss we have never left dc with them again. They still see dc and have a relationship but never feed her.

It's been a useful lesson for dd that while some people may love you they can't always understand and protect you and take adequate precautions. Therefore its up to you to protect yourself and until then we will do so.

Other family members are great, listen to us and do not deviate from the safe foods.

Its very difficult because you cannot make a single mistake. Which is unlike rhe rest of life.
Flowers CakeBrew for you.

4691IrradiatedHaggis · 25/08/2017 02:44

@tippy just been catching up, please don't take some of these responses to heart. You just need to read through the allergies on planes thread to see that there's a minority that despite what they learn/hear,refuse to acknowledge.
There's always going to be some that mean well but have no idea about allergies.

limecordial · 25/08/2017 04:18

Also manufacturers often change ingredients without warning so something that was previously safe may not always be and vice versa. Thinking of a friend who is allergic to wheat who had always eaten marmite then got sick from it...and found new jar contained wheat not just barley. So after 20+ years what had always been ok is no longer etc etc

melonscoffer · 25/08/2017 04:27

There has to be a way forward from all this.
Maybe you could go out if your house was used as the base for babysitting and once the boys are fed and going to bed you leave for a night out.
Has this not been possible in all these years?
You can issue instructions that nothing at all is to be eaten.
Drinks are to be left out or labelled in fridge or just allowed water after bed time.
You leave for your dinner out , children are in bed, or on the way and no food is to be given.
I know its not ideal and no one gains any independence, not you and not children but its better than nothing.

BlatheringOn · 25/08/2017 12:18

Oh Tippy how horrifying for you. I don't have any relatives or close friends with severe allergies and have been unaware of just how truly dangerous every single day can be. I have always complied when asked by schools not to allow nuts, milk products, etc at events but, probably in common with many people, I haven't thought much beyond that. Flowers

houghtonk76 · 26/08/2017 11:10

I can slightly relate. Little 2 year tyke not have allergies etc. But my folks have been a nightmare - you dont need to change his nappy as often / let him have dummy / keep goving him bottles past like 1 year old, etc., etc. Mainly down to my mum being diagnosed bipolar 11 years ago & her being the sane one. My Dad hyper critical of everyone & everything. They are Daily Mail readers if that helps & voted Leave. I had to spend Brexit vote week with them & my tyke - as hubby was away with work (primary school) on a residential with the kids & few other staff as he was only male staff!! Needless to say son has never stayed night there & my PIL are the complete opposite - lovely, supportive, understanding types who look after all of us brilliantly. Chalk & cheese - stays with them 2 or 3 nights at a time. Heading there now for my birthday weekend, so we can go see Phantom in London. Wish i had his parents!!

Keep ur chin up OP & hoping your DS okay!! Best wishes to you all, fight the good fight & am always here if you need to off-load.

houghtonk76 · 26/08/2017 11:18

PS in fairness, it is semi-improving: mums bipolar meds been much reduced lately & she has become a lot more lucid - feeling now is she had an isolated Menopause related incident 11 years ago & may have been misdiagnosed (though displayed very many bipolar symptoms) & they actually have 5 grandchildren under 3 (my nephew 3 in Nov, my DS 2.5 in Oct, twin neices who were 1 in Feb & my 6 month old niece) - so they are dealing wiv a lot! My sis wiv the nephew & neice lets them stay to look after him regularly, so some of it is singling me out for more criticism as im the oldest - think they have always had higher standards for me.

houghtonk76 · 26/08/2017 11:19

My PIL have only 1 grandchild.

lazycrazyhazy · 29/08/2017 05:49

Tippy I hope your DS continues to be fine.
Really felt your panic and relieved by the outcome.

I also object to "typical Granny". We have multiple allergies in the family including baby grandson potentially anaphylactic to eggs (yolk, white, cooked raw). This makes me feel scared for him. I look after him a lot and will more if his mother returns to work fully. Even though I'm human (and we are ALL capable of making mistakes) she knows I love him and will do my very best for him. I will also act fast if something goes wrong having experience of this in the family.

Baby DGS already has an Epipen but so far antihistamines have controlled the reaction, even in hospital during the prick tests.

I came on though to say we can all make mistakes. A few years ago, making lasagnes for a family occasion, covering several family allergies and intolerances, I gave the tree nut anaphylactic family member the one made with almond milk (intended for the no lactose family member). Thank goodness, he had no more than a tingly lip and a cough which alerted us. We looked into it and it seems, by the time it's almond milk, it's been highly processed so, as with the milk in your son's lolly, it was less potent. Thank God. I wasn't even a Granny at the time 😗

I think feeling in retrospect she shouldn't have had the children is probably down to your DM feeling guilty.

It's amazing how much vitriol comes out every time allergies are mentioned.

Good to share these stories, every time on here one or two posters say "I didn't realise" so slowly awareness grows. I hope to read fewer tragedies like this in future:
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/uk-news/2017/aug/25/birmingham-boy-mohammed-ismaeel-ashraf-death-allergic-reaction-school-neglect-inquest

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