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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I've got an hour before I get to my mums. Please peel me off the ceiling before I get there.

414 replies

TippyTinkleTrousers · 22/08/2017 19:50

We have two boys 10 and 6.

The six year old has multiple severe allergies and an immunodeficiency and been out of hospital a lot of his life.

He's anaphylactic to dairy, egg, banana, nuts, shell fish with a moderate allergy to wheat, soya, pollen, animal dander and more.

He sees a specialist in London Eva Lina and they test him annually. The allergies are getting worse but we are aware and in control of them.

He's never stayed away from us ever.
When we go somewhere I provide all food for him to make life easier for everyone. Mainly him!

Last night he stayed at my mums because I'm on a placement. I provided all food, said he just eats that.

She called me and asked if he could have lemonade. I say yes as long as the ingredients are just water sugar etc and no allergens.

She called me later and said "Can he have Rowntrees Ice Cream?"

I said "you don't mean ice cream do you? You most mean ice lollies, just the fruit juice."

She said "yes ice lollies."

2 hours later she calls me to tell me it was 63% skimmed milk powder in it and he's fine.

Doctors have specifically told us to totally avoid milk because we tried a baked milk challenge gave him baked milk and he had crippling stomach ache and dihorreha the next day for hours it was horrible.

We are now flooring it down the motorway telling her to give him antihistamines, it will take an hour to get there.

I was angry very very angry (though didn't shout at her I had to be calm and tell her what to do in case he started reacting) but now I'm sick with worry.

I mean this is fucking life or death. I'm astounding, shocked and relieved that afte 2 hours he has no symptoms but all is not over.

I will have to take tomorrow off because with experience he will be in screaming agony like last time.

For fuck sake.

This is his first every night away from me. I really trusted my mum. I really thought she knew that ice CREAM was a sign and she knew to read labels.

OP posts:
MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 23/08/2017 13:55

I'd be annoyed by the 'shouldn't have had them' comment too, OP. It's avoiding responsibility and suggesting its too hard for anyone but you to deal with. Sadly it's not like you and ds's dad get to opt out or say it's too hard.

So glad ds isn't suffering too bad a reaction, hopefully he's been lucky and the worst is over. Flowers and Brew for more caffeine to get through today, you must be knackered.

Laiste · 23/08/2017 14:15

One thing she said was "In retrospect perhaps I shouldn't have had them [the kids]"

That would piss me of as well OP. It's poor me, PA, blame shifting rubbish.

I would be tempted to reply - ''i think you might be right''. Call her bluff.

Glad DS is ok Flowers

Laiste · 23/08/2017 14:19

Why is it so hard for so many people to apologise properly?

No, buts or maybes. (so it wasn't really my fault)
No - i'm so silly and stupid (and need you to comfort me).

Just ''I'm so sorry i did that. What can i do to help?''

It's so simple!

diddl · 23/08/2017 14:31

"In retrospect perhaps I shouldn't have had them [the kids]"

Because it's putting it back to you to reassure her-she wants you to say that of course she should have & it was a simple mistake...

I can see how the mistake happened as they are Rowntrees ice lollies-but that just isn't good enough.

If she was in any doubt she just shouldn't have given & she was surely doubting herself as she kept phoning to ask!

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 23/08/2017 14:33

This made me laugh: I said how bad on a scale of 1-10 and he said 59. 😂

I hope he's feeling better now. 💐

StormTreader · 23/08/2017 14:42

"One thing she said was "In retrospect perhaps I shouldn't have had them [the kids]"

"In retrospect, maybe you should have actually paid attention to what you were giving him instead of just whatever was easy".

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 23/08/2017 14:48

Kadena do you have children? Hmm

Lenl · 23/08/2017 15:31

Haha Laiste you're post made me smile. My mother is the queen of apologies followed by "I'm so silly and stupid", closely followed by the "I'm sorry but" variety and failing that just saying I'm imagining things.

But that's another thread Wink

perper · 23/08/2017 15:57

Ceto I'm really not misrepresenting it. We don't have an exact transcript of the conversation, but it is reasonable to think that GM interpreted OP's correction of 'you mean the ice lollies?' or whatever was said as meaning a frozen treat on a stick, which is what many people would define as a lolly, instead of 'ice cream' as in the scoopable stuff from the tub.

I am not shifting blame to the OP- I am saying I don't think anyone was to blame here, as mistakes happen. Clearly this isn't the first mistake, as we've just heard he licked a milky sweet a few weeks ago, and unfortunately it may not be the last mistake, but it's really unhelpful to all dive onto the GM in a misplaced attempt to make OP feel better. I think some people really are being horrible to GM.

I mean, really, saying he can't visit his GPs unsupervised because they made a mistake? Will he be banned from all situations where mistakes happen?

I'm really glad he's ok now and hope you get some sleep OP Smile Just please don't be too hard on your mum.

4691IrradiatedHaggis · 23/08/2017 15:59

Oh joy, another allergy thread to bring out utter know it all knobheads thinking they know best. Flowers to you OP, hope your little one was OK.
You'd think those who profess they have allergies of their own to contend with would be a little more understanding. You told your mum "only to eat the food I bring." So gave him a lolly. Hmm
You trust your mum with her grandchild. Why wouldn't you?
Maybe some just want allergy sufferers tucked away out of sight or in some kind of protective bubble.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 23/08/2017 16:05

OP I'm glad he is ok. How absolutely terrifying for him and you. I'm totally with you and would be absolutely fuming. You specifically said to only give him foods you provided. That's not a difficult instruction to follow.

m4rdybum · 23/08/2017 16:24

One thing she said was "In retrospect perhaps I shouldn't have had them [the kids]

In your mums defense, this has probably f*cked her up a bit! Bet she was absolutely gutted, and at the minute, thinks the only way to stop it from happening again is for her to look after them.

It is annoying what's happened, and I agree people shouldn't be so blasé about allergies, but there comes a point when you have to say - everyone is okay, what can we do to not let this happen again?

m4rdybum · 23/08/2017 16:24

For her not to look after them, sorry.

AsleepAtMyDesk · 23/08/2017 17:27

It would be a shame for your DM not to have the DC again - it's a good experience for them and a welcome break for you. I am sure you can find a way forwards - after this you can probably be 100% confident that she will only give him the food you provided!

dazedandconfused12 · 23/08/2017 17:33

Our child has food issues but no where near as bad as yours. We also go to Evelina! Ds has never been over night with grandparents or anyone else other than his nanny. Tbh we just don't trust people to not screw up. We have a little friend who is gluten intolerant and when she comes over she brings her own food which takes the stress away.
Tbh it sounds like your mother shouldn't have kids over. Not if she can't follow simple instructions. We have been let down before and it's just not worth the hassle.

IloveBanff · 23/08/2017 17:35

"One thing she said was "In retrospect perhaps I shouldn't have had them [the kids]"

I think that comment was pure petulance.

Mayhemmumma · 23/08/2017 17:37

I'm not surprised your mum's text annoyed you, she basically meant in retrospect you shouldn't have left the children with me.

AnnabelC · 23/08/2017 17:48

I can see if your other child wants a treat, it's difficult to not treat the other one. Grannies want to be fair. She will be feeling bad and defensive. She wouldn't have intentionally hurt her grandchildren. I have
Been looking after my granddaughter over the summer. It's so difficult to say no. Her little face.

Goingtobeawesome · 23/08/2017 17:52

How is it a mistake? You asked her if she meant ice lollies and she said yes. Ice lollies and ice cream are very different. When did she discover it had milk powder in it? Sounds very much like she doesn't take it seriously or understand as she states it had the powder in but he's fine. Or did it sound more like shit, Tippy, I gave him X but thank fuck he's okay. .?

JustJayne1959 · 23/08/2017 17:53

As a mum of a child very much like your son, who is now 30 and being investigated for autoimmune problems, I'm appalled at your attitude to your own mother! All you had to do was say please don't give him that, give him whatever instead. Oh it's too late? Right, can you get someone to get some whatever antihistamine. What I can't understand is why, if he is so reactive to things, he didn't go to your mothers with any to begin with and why he doesn't have an epi-pen if he's under a specialist.
As a child my daughter had several episodes of anaphylaxis and has done since then, her epi-pen has saved her life more than once. My Mum slipped up a couple of times but never did I react the way you are either, ever! She's probably feeling so awful about it anyway. Poor you that you'll have to take time off to look after your son, isn't that what a mother does?
It's your mother I feel for if that's how you are with her.

Tiredtomybones · 23/08/2017 17:53

It's exhausting shouldering the responsibility all the time. My dm point blank refuses to have DS overnight as his medical condition is still so volatile and she's worried about something happening whilst I'm not there. I have to carry every conversation with every consultant, GP, nurse etc, every piece of medical advice and all the rest of it in my head 24/7. I cannot leave him anywhere and sometimes I just feel I might buckle under the strain. No one can care for him like I can, I understand that, but that's hard and very restrictive. I hope you do find a way forward OP.

AddToBasket · 23/08/2017 17:54

'No, in retrospect, you should have read the label.'

TippyTinkleTrousers · 23/08/2017 17:54

Absolutely no way is he going to stay there again.

I would be risking his life, I can't trust the situation whatsoever and we have both agreed it's never going to happen.

That however, doesn't mean she won't see her grandchildren!

Remember she has never, ever had my kids at her house. This was the first every time in 10 years so basically nothing is going to change.

I love my mum very much and the kids adore her.

But no way on earth is DS staying over again.

On another note it has flagged up the fact that he could possibly, maybe tolerate cows milk in a particular form (unless it was fluke which can happen with allergies) so it's definitely something to bring up with his consultant. Although they can be reluctant of his tests are still very positive.

They have a milk desensitisation programme going, they are already on discussions about his egg one and his egg results are even MORE positive on tests then his milk, it's literally his worst allergen so perhaps this could be a silver lining. That we could join a milk desensitisation programme as well.

I'm probably getting ahead of myself but it's a discussion that I will definitely have with his consultant next summer.

Thanks for all your support and peeling me down from the ceiling. The good posts far outweighed the bad and I'm really grateful.
It also gave me something to read when I was laying awake in the hospital!

OP posts:
TippyTinkleTrousers · 23/08/2017 17:57

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Holidayhooray · 23/08/2017 17:58

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