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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If invited out, is paying for own meal reasonable or not please

179 replies

MirandaGoshawk · 22/08/2017 19:01

Opinions wanted! Friend was invited to a pub for her close friend's (evening) birthday meal. Bottles of wine were provided & there were 12 people in total. At the end of the meal, friend was surprised that they split the bill. She had expected the birthday girl to pay. Is she being unreasonable, or was the birthday girl being tight?

OP posts:

safariboot · 23/08/2017 12:00

I would not expect the birthday girl to pay unless I knew she'd been paying for big meals in the past. Not for a table of 12 at a public restaurant because I know that's going to be a lot of money. The medium the invite came in doesn't matter. It'd be different at a hired/private venue (either host pays, or invites state a fixed price guests pay) or if it was a much smaller group.

coconuttella · 23/08/2017 12:07

Birthday girl invites friends to a restaurant and expects them to pay for their meal - really cheeky.

Not in my world, or 99% of responses on here. If invited to a meal out by a friend to celebrate their birthday, I have always paid... it's just the social norm, at least for the vast majority in the U.K. Other places may be different.

Glowerglass · 23/08/2017 12:17

I would expect to pay for my own and probably chip in for the birthday person's meal as well.

LynseyLou1982 · 23/08/2017 14:37

Unless the person inviting me specifically said they were paying then I'd expect to pay for my own meal or split the bill with the other guests.

thekillers · 23/08/2017 15:32

Depends what the invite says but unless it said pay your own I would expect the person inviting to pay.

If it said- come to my birthday party to an aimed number of guests then they would pay. If it was a general Facebook is anyone up for it invitation then share the cost.

Madwoman5 · 23/08/2017 15:36

I would expect to Split the bill to include her bill too. It was her birthday.

HeartburnCentral · 23/08/2017 15:39

I have been invited to quite a few birthday meals where you pay for your own and also chip in for the birthday person's share and a tip. I think it was reasonable to expect your friend to pay her own way. It could be very expensive covering a meal for 12 people. It's not exactly a birthday present to have to pay friends to come to celebrate your birthday.

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 23/08/2017 15:41

I've been out for many birthday meals and we've always each paid for ourselves.

billysboy · 23/08/2017 15:44

If I invited people out for a meal I would fully expect to pay for it If I couldnt afford it I wouldnt invite them
I have bought many a meal for friends in such a way and have had the favour returned

LoniceraJaponica · 23/08/2017 15:56

You must move in more affluent circles than most of us billysboy. When I ask people to come out for a meal it isn't like a party invitation. It is more like "would you like to join me" so no-one has any expectation of the host paying.

Mantasay · 23/08/2017 19:25

How weird, I would expect to pay. A couple of times I've been pleasantly surprised when the friend who's birthday it is has paid for everyone but I would never expect it.

FurryDogMother · 23/08/2017 19:40

I had exactly the same situation last week - was invited out for dinner for a friend's birthday - and of course we (10 of us) split the bill. No one expected anything else!

topcat2014 · 23/08/2017 19:50

Haven't rtft - but I invited about 12 out for my 40th - and paid for the whole lot.

Yes, it came to about £500, but that's only once a decade..

half way to 50 now

SingingSeuss · 23/08/2017 19:54

I would expect to pay for my own and chip in to cover the birthday girl or boys meal. This is the norm when I go out for birthdays.

Leaspr · 23/08/2017 19:54

I would actually expect the bill to be split 11 ways. I wouldn't expect the Birthday girl to pay even if she was expecting to.

Urglewurgle · 23/08/2017 19:56

I would actually expect the bill to be split 11 ways. I wouldn't expect the Birthday girl to pay even if she was expecting to.

This. I would expect to pay for myself and chip in for the birthday girl.

TonicAndTonic · 23/08/2017 20:08

Interesting split in responses on this thread.

I would actually expect the bill to be split 11 ways. I wouldn't expect the Birthday girl to pay even if she was expecting to

This I think. I always go to a restaurant expecting to pay for my food, whatever the occasion. I would regard it as a nice surprise if told I didn't have to pay. If it was someone's birthday I'd happily chip in for their food/drinks.

LoniceraJaponica · 23/08/2017 20:46

Is it an affluence thing or cultural that some posters would expect to treat all their friends to a meal out on their birthday?

confused123456 · 23/08/2017 20:50

It depends on the situation I think. If it was a large group thing, then it's a bit unfair to expect one person to pay for it all. But if not, then the person inviting should pay.

LoniceraJaponica · 23/08/2017 20:52

"But if not, then the person inviting should pay."

I sincerely hope my friends don't expect me to pay for them if I invited them out for a meal. They would never expect to pay for me.

milliemolliemou · 23/08/2017 22:01

@lonicera

I think it's a cultural and/or affluence thing.

In the UK, if you can afford to treat your guests then fine, "my treat".

If everyone's paying, then "can you come .. first drink on me (or whatever). It's also kind to let people know where you're going (in case they can't afford Claridges) so they can bow out if finances don't allow.

If someone's organising an outing for a birthday girl, then they need to do all of the above and say if the birthday girl's share is being paid for.

And everyone (including me in my impecunious, water-drinking, one-course only days) need to address the face they will undoubtedly be splitting the bill with the champagne quaffing bastards who go from caviar onto truffle stuffed entrecote, puddings and cheese. With "tasting" wines. I have no words.

FiveShelties · 23/08/2017 22:54

I have a foot in both camps. If I invited people to dinner, I would definitely pay for them. But, if I got an invite I would pay my own way. Just what you are comfortable with I suppose.

cambodianfoxhound · 24/08/2017 07:39

This is a difficult one I think. If I invited everyone to a specific place, on a specific day for my birthday then I would pay. People do kind of feel they should come I think and just personally feel it is a bit off to then expect them to pay. In your case, I think what you did is absolutely fine, you paid for the wine which was probably the most expensive part.

I also think it is absolutely fine to host something in a bar - and put a certain amount of money behind the bar and after that people buy their own.

I do think the host should pay for some part of it, if they organise and dictate the whole event... I don't think any real rights or wrongs though. Its very much in who organises and how the invitation is delivered.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/08/2017 09:50

I can't understand why this is so complex.

Scenario 1:
Birthday person says "Shall we go to xyz place to celebrate my birthday?" - everybody pays for their own.

Scenario 2:
Birthday person says "Please come to xyz place for dinner to celebrate my birthday" - birthday person pays as they are issuing an invitation and hosting the event.

So many people are using the word 'invitation' when that's not what they mean at all.

Scenario 1 is far more commonplace in practice but it's not an invitation and the birthday person is not hosting. It's obvious from this thread and previous ones that it isn't clear. An attendee in scenario 2 isn't being grabby by expecting the event to be paid for, that is the convention.

I invite my mum and/or brothers to lunch fairly often. I pay. It's made clear to them at the outset though even though it doesn't need to be. I'm inviting so I'm paying.

If I go out with friends then we do scenario 1, everybody pays for their own - and it's clear. Somebody suggests a venue and people agree or suggest another one but everybody pays for themselves.

If I was going out with a friend for their birthday it would still be one scenario or the other but I would probably pick up the bill myself. I think the 'split the bill for the birthday person' is a bit crass and staged and has become expected rather than a nice gesture.

BlondeB83 · 24/08/2017 09:55

I would always expect to pay! X

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