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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If invited out, is paying for own meal reasonable or not please

179 replies

MirandaGoshawk · 22/08/2017 19:01

Opinions wanted! Friend was invited to a pub for her close friend's (evening) birthday meal. Bottles of wine were provided & there were 12 people in total. At the end of the meal, friend was surprised that they split the bill. She had expected the birthday girl to pay. Is she being unreasonable, or was the birthday girl being tight?

OP posts:
glitterlips1 · 22/08/2017 20:35

I would not expect her to pay..no.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/08/2017 20:39

You weren't 'invited' OP, it's bad wording because when you're invited somewhere, the host pays. Your friend wasn't hosting even though she presented as if she was. Poor etiquette. She should have just said, 'let's all meet up for my birthday for dinner at xyz place. Is that ok for everyone?'.

There are lots of 'wannabe hosts' out there who are nothing of the sort which is why many people are confused.

You invite somebody then YOU pay for them.

WeeMadArthur · 22/08/2017 20:40

My brother has organised a meal for my mums birthday, I assumed that I would pay for me, DH, DS and Mum and DB would cover his family (DB, DSil and 2 youngest D.C.). He then mentioned that his eldest (29) and her partner were coming, I assumed that as they were independent adults that they would pay for themselves. And then he invited my DAunt and not so DUncle. And was expecting for us to go halves on the bill! So although there are only three of us I'm going to end up paying for six as apparently that's the done thing! I expressed surprise that adults wouldn't cover their own meal and he said he would put some extra in to cover his eldest and her partner but if DUncle offered anything of course we would refuse! I must admit that with less than a week to the meal I do feel a little bit ambushed by it.

Rinkydinkypink · 22/08/2017 20:48

I'd expect to pay and in a few occasions the guests have paid for the birthday girls meal as well.

I could never pay for 12 people 😱

CatsAreAssholes · 22/08/2017 20:50

Wemadarthur, as he had organised it's for him to pay surely?

Why in the world does he think he gets to organise your money?? Confused tell him his kids pay for themselves and uncle pays for himself

mewkins · 22/08/2017 20:52

Would always expect to pay. Woyld be surprised and very grateful if anyone else picked up the tab.

wannabestressfree · 22/08/2017 20:57

@WeeMadArthur I would just say no. If he feels it's rude to take money from your duncle he needs to cover it.

elevenclips · 22/08/2017 21:01

Of course I would not expect the birthday girl to pay for 12 friends in a restaurant. I see that the birthday girl is you op. Why do you keep in contact with such a twat?

WeeMadArthur · 22/08/2017 21:12

I think I'm just going to have to lump it. As far as he is concerned I agreed to the meal, , he just missed out some pertinent details. I did say though that if DUncle offers money for the meal to me I will take it!

Xeneth88 · 22/08/2017 21:18

Birthday dinners amongst my friends, you pay for yourself and chip in to pay for the birthday persons.

ChasedByBees · 22/08/2017 21:21

Weemadarthur - the pertinent details are exceptionally pertinent though! I would tell him if he has invited extra, he pays.

greeneyegrey · 22/08/2017 21:22

I would expect to pay. If I couldn't afford it I wouldn't go.

Boingboingboing66 · 22/08/2017 21:27

I would totally expect to pay, if not split the birthday girl's meal. Actually, we were recently invited to a friend's birthday meal. She's single and in a well paid job and the restaurant she chose was quite pricey. However, she's a good friend so we were happy to go and pay our share even though it was quite a lot of money for us. There were 20 of us and there were bottles of wine on the table which I thought was nice. When the bill came - she paid the lot, must've been several hundred pounds! We tried to wrestle her but she wouldn't hear of it. We must've thanked her a dozen times and are just relieved we bought her a decent gift! However, this is not the norm & many people would not be in a position to foot the entire bill, even at a cheaper venue.

Your friend was BVVU!!

Aashna7 · 22/08/2017 21:29

I personally would never think to ask people out for my own birthday and then expect them to pay Shock. This is poor form and embarrassing. If I couldn't afford dinner for everyone, I would just do drinks or have them over to my house.

ItsNachoCheese · 22/08/2017 21:30

Split the bill is what id do

LoniceraJaponica · 22/08/2017 21:32

"I personally would never think to ask people out for my own birthday and then expect them to pay shock. This is poor form and embarrassing."

No it isn't, it really isn't. If I wanted to meet some friends for a meal out for my birthday I would say something like "shall we go out for a meal for my birthday". That isn't an invitation frpm me as a host, but for friends to join me and we split the bill. It really is common practice. Unless you are very well off hosting a meal out is just too expensive for most people.

However, if I invited people round for dinner I would expect to cook and provide all the food. There is quite a difference.

Original poster
MirandaGoshawk · 22/08/2017 21:34

elevenclips - she is British but has been living abroad for the past 5 years. When she comes back to visit she sees mutual friend and bitches about everyone, including me and mutual friend, of course. I don't see her any more because I don't need her negativity in my life but for some reason she feels the need to carry on bitching about me I am still fascinating to her!

OP posts:
MrsEricBana · 22/08/2017 21:35

Yep of course bill is split, possibly even to exclude the birthday person, unless birthday person expressly insists it's their treat.
I find when we go on family meals out with dh family as there are 4 of us they always seem to be happy for us to pay rather than them contributing at all. Dh doesn't mind but I think it's cheeky given that we also host every other gathering annually in Christmas.

Bluntness100 · 22/08/2017 21:36

She actually expected you to buy her dinner on your birthday? How bizzare. In my social circle we would split the bill and pay for the birthday person. thats the norm as far as I know. You wouldn't have supplied the booze either,

She must be very entitled if she thinks you should have bought her dinner on your birthday.

onemorecakeplease · 22/08/2017 21:39

I would expect to pay and also for birthday girls meal to be divvied up between us so she doesn't have to pay.

AnathemaPulsifer · 22/08/2017 21:45

Where has she been living abroad? In Germany, for example, the birthday girl treats everyone. Always (at least in the area I know). If your friend has been spending a lot of time in a country with such clear rules it might excuse their otherwise bonkers attitude.

Lillygreen · 22/08/2017 21:46

Surely if anyone gets a free meal it's the birthday girl?

Original poster
MirandaGoshawk · 22/08/2017 21:55

Anathema: She's in Australia but this happened three years before she went.

OP posts:
Tumbleweed101 · 22/08/2017 21:57

It probably depends on the financial situations of the group. If you're all on min wage and go out then no one person is going to be able to pay for everyone. If you're all on much higher wages I'm guessing the etiquette is different.

My circle of friends tend to be on the lower end of the pay scale so we all expect to pay for ourselves unless we're told otherwise.

Lweji · 22/08/2017 21:59

I have to ask:
duncle, just why?

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