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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If invited out, is paying for own meal reasonable or not please

179 replies

MirandaGoshawk · 22/08/2017 19:01

Opinions wanted! Friend was invited to a pub for her close friend's (evening) birthday meal. Bottles of wine were provided & there were 12 people in total. At the end of the meal, friend was surprised that they split the bill. She had expected the birthday girl to pay. Is she being unreasonable, or was the birthday girl being tight?

OP posts:
Brittbugs80 · 22/08/2017 19:58

I live in Topsham

I love Topsham!

Halfsack · 22/08/2017 19:58

Wtf. Surely this is a no brainer. Is fully expect to pay if I'd been invited out.

FoolForYourLoving · 22/08/2017 19:58

She's not being unreasonable, whenever I invite friends out for dinner, I will always pay. I don't expect them to... I've invited them, why wouldn't I pay?
One of my best friends invited me to their birthday dinner and really made a big deal about going to it, I was mortified when the bill came and they got their calculator out and divided it between us all.
It would be like having a birthday party and telling your friends to bring their own food and drinks.....

Roomster101 · 22/08/2017 20:00

I would expect to pay but thinking about it, if my teenage children are invited to a friend's birthday meal then normally the friend's parents would pay. Perhaps your friend hasn't been to any birthday meals since she was a teenager?

museumum · 22/08/2017 20:00

I always expect to pay in a restaurant if it's a sit down meal.

A buffet in a private room I'd expect it to be already paid for by the host.

Sashkin · 22/08/2017 20:00

Is your friend not British? Because one of my greek friends says that in Greece it's the norm for the birthday girl to treat everyone. It's really hard to get her to accept even a drink from us on her birthday, she feels quite uncomfortable. May also be the case in other EU countries as well, I don't know.

But yep here the birthday girl does NOT pay, in fact I'd expect the others to cover the cost of YOUR meal if anything.

ChorusLine69 · 22/08/2017 20:02

What planet does your friend live on? She's being very unreasonable. Would always expect to pay my own way to a bday meal, and some of my friends are quite well off but wouldn't pay for that many people.

LineysRun · 22/08/2017 20:02

I think you're right, Sashkin.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 22/08/2017 20:04

Cross posted with you.

8 years ago? For the love of fuck she needs to get out more 😂

ChorusLine69 · 22/08/2017 20:04

Ps it was generous of you to buy the wine. Ignore her!

TentUpFirstBunkUpLater · 22/08/2017 20:10

8 years ago?

What Annie said

DezTheMoaner · 22/08/2017 20:11

Generally as friends we each pay for our own and split the cost of the birthday person's meal between us. However, for "big birthdays" it s often organised by the birthday person and they pay... but get presents. Often in the form of cash, so some people in effect pay for their own meal (or even more than that), but there is an element of choice.

ethelfleda · 22/08/2017 20:12

If expect to pay for my own dinner, absolutely!! I've never not paid for myself in those circumstances?

BoomBoomsCousin · 22/08/2017 20:15

If issuing an invitation I somewhat prefer to tailor the activity to something I can pay for, but that limits what you can do often so I don't think it's wrong to suggest something people split the bill for. I would be explicit about who was paying though, especially if I was inviting them to something they could reasonably think I would be able to afford. I think it's really rude to surprise people with a bill.

I know lots of people aren't in a situation where they could afford to pay for a meal out with 12 people, but you seem to indicate it was something you could have afforded if that's what you had wanted, so I think YWU not to have been explicit. She's been incredibly rude bitching about it to other people though, especially after all this time.

RB68 · 22/08/2017 20:16

It does depend - if they are raking it in and have loads of dosh they may well pay but I think for most folk a birthday meal is pay your own way if not also some extra for the birthday persons meal

GoGoGazelle · 22/08/2017 20:21

In the UK would def expect to pay.

ElizabethShaw · 22/08/2017 20:23

Unless it was some sort of private dining that the birthday girl "hosted" I would expect to pay for myself.

Meal in a pub, I would definitely expect to pay. If the birthday girl bought the drinks I'd suggest splitting the bill so everyone else covered her meal.

LoniceraJaponica · 22/08/2017 20:23

"It's a bit rude to invite people out to dinner and then present them with a bill."

You must move in affluent circles then. I have never been invited out to a birthday meal and expected the host to pay for me. In our circle it is expected and common practice to split the bill.

Judydreamsofhorses · 22/08/2017 20:24

I would expect to pay and cover a share of the birthday person's meal. The only way I don't expect to pay for my win meal is with a couple of friends where I've paid the bill last time we met, and we take turn about.

blacksax · 22/08/2017 20:26

Teenage girl and 3 or 4 friends celebrate birthday at Nando's (other teen-hangouts are available) = Mum pays for all.

Adult's evening birthday meal in pub for 12 people (drinks provided) = bill is split between everyone.

CatsAreAssholes · 22/08/2017 20:26

The person inviting pays is only for dates surely? And then you pick up the next one. Not for a party if 12! excwotion to this would be a party with a set meal maybe?

CatsAreAssholes · 22/08/2017 20:26

Exception Confused

londonrach · 22/08/2017 20:29

Of course pay. Never heard anything else apart from maybe splitting birthday girl meal between everyone

Jedimum1 · 22/08/2017 20:31

Is she British? In my family (abroad) if anyone mentions the word "invite", it means they are paying

tehmina23 · 22/08/2017 20:32

I would always expect to pay for my own meal... the only time I remember the 'birthday person' paying was when I was invited to dinner with several others by a Filipino friend.

In the Philippines it's apparently the custom for the birthday person to pay for everyone's meal & drinks.