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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If invited out, is paying for own meal reasonable or not please

179 replies

MirandaGoshawk · 22/08/2017 19:01

Opinions wanted! Friend was invited to a pub for her close friend's (evening) birthday meal. Bottles of wine were provided & there were 12 people in total. At the end of the meal, friend was surprised that they split the bill. She had expected the birthday girl to pay. Is she being unreasonable, or was the birthday girl being tight?

OP posts:
ImListening · 22/08/2017 19:10

Birthday person pays in one friendship group, in another birthday person never pays & is treated! It's a minefield!

I solve it by hosting my breakfast at my house, continental style!

cluelessnewmum · 22/08/2017 19:10

Definitely would expect to pay, what planet is your friend on? I have some pretty well off friends and there's only been a couple of times someone has paid for everyone's meal, and that was an unexpected surprise.

StealthPolarBear · 22/08/2017 19:12

Solaris and maidofstars have just used the same wording as an example but have interpreted it differently. It is a mine field!

arethereanyleftatall · 22/08/2017 19:13

This is one of those really strange situations where the accepted etiquette is a bit weird:

  1. Birthday party at own house with food. Host pays for everything, guests bring a present.
  2. Birthday party in restaurant. Host Pays for nothing, guests bring a present plus split bill without birthday girl.
Weird.
needmymouthsewnup · 22/08/2017 19:14

I went out for a friend's bday once and was really surprised when she paid! I would always expect to pay my way (and usually split bday person's meal between the rest of us too) unless they'd invited you round to theirs for a meal, or a 'party' somewhere not at a restaurant. I certainly wouldn't expect someone to pay for my meal at a hotel.

needmymouthsewnup · 22/08/2017 19:15
  • or even a restaurant... Blush
GoBold · 22/08/2017 19:15

I would expect to pay unless directly told it was 'my treat' or something when invited.

FreudianSlurp · 22/08/2017 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Holidayhooray · 22/08/2017 19:16

Arethereanyleft

Is it weird?

A meal out for 12, 3 courses with wine, nice place. Won't get change from £850 (much more than that in nice central London restaurant).

Entertaining at home. Presuming each brings a bottle. You could do for £200 easily. Very easily.

So yes, there is a difference. A big financial difference.

Original poster
MirandaGoshawk · 22/08/2017 19:16

Greentulips: no, birthday girl said she'd appreciate cards but no gifts.

OP posts:
solarisIsAClassic · 22/08/2017 19:17

StealthPolarBear - because she's wrong Grin

It can be tricky. I guess you tend to base it on friendships, previous experience and an idea of finances.

In our group, people are able to pay for a meal for all of us so it's perhaps less clear cut. I guess that at the same time, we can all also afford to pay for ourselves and splitting the bill would not be comment-worthy.

Holidayhooray · 22/08/2017 19:17

I'd personally feel uncomfortable with a close friend paying for a meal out for 12 of us.

Belle1616 · 22/08/2017 19:17

I'd expect to pay for my own meal

McTufty · 22/08/2017 19:18

If it's at a restaurant it wouldn't even occur to me that the birthday girl might pay.

MaidOfStars · 22/08/2017 19:19

I'm always I refuse by when the etiquette changes from host paying to guests paying. For example, the progression:

Buffet at house party.
Outside buffet in hired function room.
In house buffet in hired function room.
Hot buffet served by staff to take back to table in hired function room.
Hot food served by staff to table.

Lweji · 22/08/2017 19:19

It depends on wording and who organises it.
At work we (someone not the birthday person) used to organise and we'd split and pay for the person.

But if I was invited to a place chosen by the birthday person, then I'd expect them to pay (although I'd always go prepared in case I was asked to pay).

The reasoning is that the person choosing determines the budget, and it's unfair to ask people to pay for expensive meals that you chose.

MaidOfStars · 22/08/2017 19:19

I refuse = intrigued.

SenatorBunghole · 22/08/2017 19:19

I'd expect to pay and quite possibly to put towards the birthday person's meal. I have heard of a tradition that inviting people out means the person inviting pays, but have yet to actually come across it IRL.

sidesplittinglol · 22/08/2017 19:20

I'd definitely expect to pay! Wouldn't dream of expecting for the birthday girl to pay for everyone's meal. I would also split pay for the birthday girls meal too

Original poster
MirandaGoshawk · 22/08/2017 19:20

Holidayhooray: it was a country pub in a Devon village rather than a restaurant, so nice but not massively expensive.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 22/08/2017 19:21

That seems to be the norm these days. Years ago it probably wasn't. But now I'd agree that unless it said my treat then I'd expect to pay for my meal.

LineysRun · 22/08/2017 19:22

If I invited people out for my birthday I'd pay for everyone.

DancesWithOtters · 22/08/2017 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solarisIsAClassic · 22/08/2017 19:23

MirandaGoshawk

Naice S. Devon or dodgy / inbred mid to N. Devon.

We're more adept in social situations in the South!

AnUtterIdiot · 22/08/2017 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.